by Annie Brewer
We walk to a table on the left side of the playground. Maddy climbs up to sit on the very top. I join her. She pulls my jacket down under her butt for warmth as I drape the blanket across both of our legs and we begin eating our ice cream in silence. Sitting this close to her is wrong in all the right ways.
“Do you want a bite now?” She asks, breaking the silence.
“Okay, but you have to try my rocky road first.” I grab a spoonful and make the spoon dance in front of her mouth, teasingly. She laughs and swats at my hand. All she’d have to do is grab my arm holding it still to take a bite. But I think this game has gotten more serious than I intended it to, so I end it and give her a bite. I always found it weird for guys and girls to share straws or silverware, passing their germs back and forth. And even though this is the very thing I just did, it doesn’t feel weird. Maybe too soon though.
“Mmm, that is pretty good. Is it your favorite flavor?” I smile at the simple question, hoping to keep things light. No past, no future, just now.
“No, it’s not my favorite. But close.”
She takes a big bite and ice cream smears on her chin. I hand her a napkin from the bag but she wipes it with her finger and then licks it, making a smacking noise. “Okay, so out of all the ice cream flavors in the world, what’s your favorite?” I think long and hard. What a tough question.
“Geez, out of all the flavors in the world,” I let out a harsh breath, “that’s like asking what my favorite band is out of all the bands in the world. There are just too many to choose from. But okay, my top favorite flavor would have to be…cookies-n-cream.” I bite down on my spoon for something to do.
“I like that flavor too. But you want to know what my favorite flavor is?” She sits up, tightening my jacket around her body. “Get ready cause it’s crazy. My favorite all-time favorite flavor in the world is…” I wait in anticipation, thinking it’s one I’ve never heard of, “you can’t laugh at me.” She wiggles her finger at me.
“I promise, I won’t laugh at you. But hurry up, the wait is killing me.” I joke. She laughs. I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees, watching her hair blow in her face.
“Okay, my favorite flavor in the world is chocolate.” I try not to laugh because her attempt at being coy is endearing, but it’s still funny that she put me through suspense.
I clear my throat, “Okay, you like chocolate the best. Is there something I’m missing here? Why on earth would I laugh at you for that?”
“It’s predictable. Everyone likes chocolate. And it’s nothing special, just boring old chocolate.”
“Correction, not everyone likes chocolate. And second, it’s okay to be predictable. And last, chocolate is not boring. It’s the opposite of boring actually. Because that means I got something right about you.” She smiles, which makes everything I just said worth it. I’m not really a fan of chocolate, but I may start trying to be. “I’ll take a bite of that creamy stuff now, please.” Jesus Christ, that was so not subtle.
She shovels a big scoop on her spoon, bringing it to my lips. My mouth opens, welcoming the delicious cold substance. Our eyes lock when they meet, and suddenly my face feels hot, despite the cold chill in the air. If I thought about making a move, now would be the time. I look away instead, breaking the connection. I need space, breathing room. “I used to come here a lot with my mom when I was little. It’s one of the few things I remember of her. Andi and I played together while our parents talked grown up talk.” She brings her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. I feel sadness for the little girl who lost everything. I know what that’s like.
“That’s pretty awesome that you’ve been friends for so long, through everything.”
“Our parents went to school together. Our moms were pregnant around the same time, minus a few months. She’s the only family I’ve got.”
“I’m sure your dad still loves you. I think you should try talking to him again. You’ll regret it if you don’t.” She stands up. I fear I’ve pissed her off, pushing the father issue. I leave it alone.
“I want to swing.” She moves off the table carefully, removing her heels and holding her dress up to avoid tripping. I admire her backside as she walks away.
“How do you women wear those long dresses? They look so tight and suffocating.” She lifts herself up into a swing, pushing herself.
“How do you men wear tighty whiteys?” She dishes back.
“I for one do not wear those so I’m with you there. I like my manhood having breathing room. That’s a question to ask Spencer.” She giggles. I slide off the table, walk behind her moving swing, in hopes I don’t get knocked out and sit in the swing next to her, facing the opposite direction. The night is peaceful with the stars out, reminding me that I’m not in the city anymore.
“Do you ever miss it?” Catching my puzzled expression she goes on, “New York. Do you ever miss it? Living there?”
“I was just thinking how seeing the stars so brightly, I’m reminded that I’m not in the city anymore.” I begin my slow ascend. “Part of me says no, but then again, New York is all I’ve ever known. Of course it’s filled with bad memories so I should be happy to be away from there.” Away from my mistakes. “I just hope my mother is doing okay. She’s so messed up and I want her to get her shit together and be happy. I hate my father for hurting her.” Thinking about him makes my blood boil. I clench my teeth, and close my eyes. I need to calm down before I go off the deep end. This is supposed to be a good night, our first date. I need to shut his ass out of my mind.
“Noah?” Maddy’s voice jolts me back to here. I see her studying me curiously. Her swing stopped moving. Shit, I don’t want to ruin this evening. I clear my throat and turn my frown upside down. “Sorry, I zoned out for a minute. I’m good now.”
“Well, I was curious; did you still want me to go to New York with you? I mean, if it will be too weird or uncomfortable, I don’t have to go.” I want to tell her no. I want to tell her that it would be better for me to go home alone, that my life there is too hectic and drama-induced and it would probably in her best interest to stay here, because really, if my father were to be there it may not be a pretty visit. I can taste the words on my tongue. I know what I should tell her. My life there is nothing but bad memories and heartache and I would be a selfish bastard for taking her there. But I’m too weak. I can’t tell her no. The truth is, I want her to go with me. I want to be the one to show her New York and see her face when she discovers how amazing it really is, to visit. All the sights you can imagine. It’s no Paris or Australia, but it’s close enough.
“If you really want to come, then I want you to. We’ll stay with Spencer and I’ll take you to the sights and maybe even drag Spence out to go skiing.” Even in the dark, I can see the excitement in her eyes. Just that alone makes my decision worth any risk. It’ll be an experience to remember. She is only inches from my face; her hair hangs over one eye. It’s driving me crazy. I grip the chains tightly, turning my knuckles white. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes, we’re supposed to talk to each other remember? We’re both in need of a friend and it’s good to talk. So what do you want to know?” Oh yeah, that was my idea.
“How did you handle everything so well? You lost your mother and your father abandoned you, how did you not go insane? The struggles you faced, at such a young age..it didn’t turn you bitter.” She looks at the ground, kicking the rocks beneath her feet.
“Well, I’m no saint Noah. I wasn’t always this way. I used to be bitter for a while, hating everything. I was moody and constantly fought with Andi, making her cry, hurting her when all she ever did was stand by side and try to help me pick up the messy pieces.” She looks out into the distance, probably remembering her life back then. “I don’t know, something snapped inside me, waking me up from this train wreck I called life and made me realize I didn’t want to live an empty, meaningless existence anymore. I put one foot in front of the other and was than
kful to be alive. My mother wouldn’t have wanted me to live like that. There are others that have it much worse than me. So I took it a day at a time and focused on all the good things in my life.” She leans back in her swing.
I begin to realize the reason she’s so different is because she’s my opposite. She is who I’m striving to be now, who I’ve wanted to be. I was tired of waking up and hating everything, including myself. I wanted to finally wake up one day and smile, a real genuine smile. Not a fake, phony one. Laugh a real laugh. Live and maybe fall in love. It seemed too far-fetched for me. Even though Lex and I were nothing but best friends, I knew it would be hard to let go…of the pain I’ve harbored inside my heart, my soul. I couldn’t see myself giving a damn about anything but my loss. Maybe one day I could learn to let go. That’s the only way I can fully, truly be happy. But would I be able to forget? I’m scared of what moving on could mean. “I admire your strength, Maddy.” I say quietly. She turns her head toward me and cocks her head to the side. “I wish I could just let things go and move forward.” I need to. It will just take some time, a lot of time.
“Noah, you can. You just have to make the conscience effort and do it. You have to say, “okay, so this is what needs to be done, I have to do this” and do it.” It’s not that simple, Maddy. I want to tell her. I realize it’s getting late and I should get her home, even though I’m not ready to end this night.
“We should get you home.” I jump out of my swing and grab my blanket from the table, picking up her heels.
“Thank you.” Maddy takes them from my hand, picking up our trash and discarding them in the garbage.
The drive back is silent. My mind is trying to process so many things at once. I’m amazed I haven’t thrown off my sense of direction. Maddy’s head is back against the seat with her eyes closed. I see the rise and fall of her steady breathing. My eyes travel down to her hands in her lap. Her fingers are so delicate, long and perfectly petite. I contemplate taking her hand and holding it but that might startle her awake or make her uncomfortable. So I keep my hands on the steering wheel, eyes on the road ahead.
“Maddy, we’re here. Wake up.” I shaker her once we arrive at her apartment. She stirs but doesn’t wake. “Maddy, you’re home.” I whisper in her ear.
Her eyes flutter open. “Shit, I slept the whole way home. Sorry, I wasn’t good company.” She wipes her mouth of any trace of drool, I assume. She slips her shoes on. I get out and reach her side to open the door for her.
“Don’t worry about it.” I didn’t mind the silence for once. Her foot slips on the step because of her dress. I reach out, catching her before she face plants on the concrete. “Whoa, you okay?” I step back and shove my hands in my pockets, giving us both space.
She smoothed her dress out, tucking her hair back over her shoulders. “Yes, I was wondering when I’d trip over this thing.” She laughs. I follow her to her door, not sure what to do next. She turns around to face me. “I had a great time tonight. I hope it really was a good first date for you.” Her voice is shy.
“I had the perfect first date. I told you it was worth all the shitty ones. Thank you.” Do I kiss her?
“So have you been rock climbing?”
“As in the real thing?”
“There’s an indoor rock climbing gym in Greyson about 45 minutes or so outside of town. We can have a second date, if you’d like?”
“I’ll have as many dates with you as you want Maddy. Just tell me what you want.”
“Okay, I want a second date.” I nod. “So, next week...”
“I’ll pick you up. And no dresses this time.” I tease. She leans in and kisses my cheek. “Good night, Noah.” She leaves me standing on her porch, speechless.
Chapter 33
Maddy
The next morning I can’t stop smiling. Not that I would want to. Smiling feels pretty nice. “You’re a bubbly gal this morning.” Andi says standing in my doorway. I’m still under the covers, sitting up.
“Yeah, I am. I had a great night. It was perfect. You were right,” I lean forward, smiling, “about being myself and letting things happen naturally.” My head falls back against the head board, dramatically. Andi plops down on my bed waiting for me to spill my guts. She’s going to be disappointed I don’t have too much to gush over. But regardless, the evening went pretty damn awesome. I can’t help but wonder what he was thinking when I kissed his cheek and left him standing there on the porch. A smile touches my lips and I let out a giggle.
“Please tell me he went further than a peck on the cheek this time.”
“Well, how about I tell you that I kissed him on the cheek this time.”
She lets out a sigh, of frustration or disappointment, I’m not sure. “Seriously? That’s it Maddy? A kiss on the cheek? You’re killing me chica!” She jumps off the bed and reaches the door.
“Gah, Andi what is your problem? Just because I don’t feel the need to sleep with someone I don’t know that well, doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong. I’m not you!” I slap my hand over my mouth wishing I could take that last comment back. But it is true. I just wish she’d stop trying to push me to be like her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” She knows I did, but also I could have kept that to myself.
“Look I’m not saying to sleep with him right away but maybe a little more than a kiss on the cheek would be good for you. You both need to loosen up a bit.”
“We have a second date planned. Maybe then we can move onto a kiss on the nose or something.” I joke. She places her hands on her hips before opening the door.
‘Maddy how can you resist those hot kissable lips? I’d want to devour them every chance I got. Better yet, I’d want them to devour me.” Says the sex maniac herself. She does have a point though. His lips are too damn sensual and full, I can imagine them grazing my jaw line or throat. Or neck. Or…
I need to shut off this part of my brain.
“I’m glad you had a great night, Maddy. You deserve to have fun.” I get out of bed and walk past her to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. “Thank you. I really do like him. I just don’t want to ruin it and move too fast.”
“So where’s the next date going to be?” We sit at the table, waiting for the coffee to be done. I suddenly feel a headache coming on.
“I’m taking him to Greyson to go rock climbing. Or better yet, he’s taking me.”
“Oh well, that’s…romantic. I guess.” I smack her arm as she chuckles.
“I love rock climbing. It’s something different and fun.” I’m not into the whole dinner and a movie thing as much as most. My life has never been normal or what people expect. The coffee stops grinding so I grab two cups from the cupboard and pour us each one. Andi takes the milk out of the fridge and sets it in front of me. She takes her coffee black, which makes me grimace. I can’t stand the smell of just coffee, let alone drink it like that. But to each their own.
“Well, that’s great. I guess it’s a step up from the dates you and Landon always had.” She sticks her finger in her mouth, making gagging noises.
“Stop. We had okay dates. We were just better off hanging out as friends. I never felt the romance with him. He knew me so well, there were no surprises. It wasn’t fun.”
“He was a total player too. You two were so not right for each other.” I take a sip of my coffee, not commenting. She’s right that we weren’t right for each other. I do care about him though. She and Landon for whatever reason butt heads too much and didn’t get along very well. It always irritated me. I know that if it came down to it, he’d be there for both us. He’d protect us with his life if we needed him. “I’m sorry. I know you hate me ratting on him. I’m just stating the truth.” I sit quietly, lost in my own thoughts. “But you know, Noah seems to be the player type too. You should be careful.”
“Are you kidding me? About five minutes ago you were trying to convince me to jump in the sack with him and now you’re telling me to be careful. What do you want from me
?” Irritation is bubbling up inside of me and I can’t force it down. I don’t like yelling at my best friend but she’s really confusing me these days.
She recoils at my tone and fiddles with her hands, looking anywhere but at me. “All I was saying is he seems like the type to like sex. He screams sex appeal. I just don’t want you getting hurt.”
“I know that his life back in New York he liked sex. But I also know he’s trying to live a better life now. I’m not putting hope into this but I see that he’s a decent guy. Maybe you shouldn’t be so judgmental. We all have our demons and skeletons. Some more than others.” I blow into my cup even though my coffee is lukewarm now. I just want to drop the subject. I don’t want to think about his past or the many girls I’d have to compete with.
“Okay, sorry. I just wanted to-“
“It’s fine. I’m done talking about this.” I set my now empty cup in the sink and retreat to my room. I pull out my work out clothes, feeling the need to hit the gym to blow off steam. “I’m going to work out. I’ll be back later.” I grab a towel, bottle of water from the fridge but before I can leave, Andi catches my arm stopping me.
“I’m sorry Maddy. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch or cast judgment on anyone. God knows I’m not perfect.”
“I know, but right now I need to get out of here and blow off steam. We’ll talk later.” I hate being bitter but she took my good day and crushed it. I need to get it back.
I grab my keys and lock the door behind me and walk to the gym, which is in the middle of the complex. It’s not a far distance to walk and I could use a walk anyway. I’m wearing black adidas shorts and a tank top. It’s chilly but I know I’ll be sweating when I’m finished with my workout. I scan my member card in the door and walk in. I find a locker that’s vacant and stick my stuff in there. I take the scrunchy that’s around my wrist and pull my hair back in a bun off my neck. It’s pretty empty, aside from 2 other people, lifting weights and walking the treadmill. Usually I work the elliptical and ride the bike to keep my legs toned. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked out in this gym. Or at all. I worked out at least four times a week for over an hour. Finding a bike first, I turn on the tv to find something that will entertain my thoughts. I set the speed and begin pedaling slowly.
