by Annie Brewer
I keep telling myself I need to let this whole thing go. Andi’s going through a lot and I should give her a break. After all, she’s the one who suffered my wrath and emotional outbursts for so long all through high school. My mother’s death affected me the same way, her dad’s illness is. She was always forgiving, making excuses for my bull shit. Looking back now, I feel like she should’ve ditched me. My teens were the worst. I was such a bitch, always thinking the world owed me because of what I went through. I feel sadness in my heart and I close my eyes. I really need to be more understanding. She needs me now more than ever.
I pedal faster, vaguely watching some movie on AMC, I think. I’m not actually watching it. Come on legs, work with me here.
I feel the sweat cake my skin, dripping down my neck…down between my breasts. I reach up and wipe the perspiration from my forehead with a towel. My legs take it up a notch and I feel the sting…oh the sting. I wish I had an IPOD. I never replaced the one that broke a few months ago.
This gym is small but it’s got all I need. There’s a 24-hour Fitness in the next town, but here is convenient and free for residents. I’ve tried getting Andi to work out with me but she swears she doesn’t need to. We’ll see if she still feels the same when she hits her thirties. I hear those years are brutal on the body.
My mind wanders to Noah. I know he’s been with a lot of girls but what if Andi is right? How can he go from having a lot of sex to having none? Could I see myself giving that part of me to him? Maybe not now, but what about in the future? I really want to kiss him at least. I want to feel his hands on my body. I want to taste his lips. We’ve only known each other for four months but I feel like I know so much about him. Of course there’s still more of him I’ve yet to discover. I want to know everything. I wonder if he thinks about me at all. Or if I’m just someone to pass the time. I speed up my pace again, watching some cartoon now. I don’t recognize it. Then again, I haven’t watched cartoons since I was a kid. And cartoons nowadays aren’t what they used to be. I’m so engrossed in this show I don’t notice anyone on the bike next to me. But I keep my eyes glued to the tv, my legs pushing me forward.
“What the hell kind of nonsense are they feeding kids these days? I swear times have changed.” I smile, knowing the voice before I see them.
“I couldn’t agree more. Where are the cartoons we grew up watching?” Noah is dressed in work out pants and a wife beater and sweet holy mother of goodness his arms are heavenly. Defined, toned and my hands are itching to touch his muscles.
“Hi Maddy.” He grins.
“Hi to you too.” I can’t stop staring at his muscles. They’re not huge but they’re definitely not puny either. More like a mix between a wrestler and football player. Something like that. They’re perfect for his frame and build. I like John Cena’s build and he’s slightly smaller.
“This is a sight to see.”
“What you see is what you get.” I shift my eyes to his face finally.
“Hmm, I do like what I see.” I return my attention to the screen, trying to ignore the heat creeping up my neck. “Aren’t you cold in those shorts?” I pedal faster, needing distraction.
“Nah, I’m sweating right now.” I think it just got twenty degrees hotter in here. My face is flushed and I’m hoping he doesn’t notice, or at least figures it’s from the sweat from the work out.
“I like that look for you. It’s damn sexy.” I whip my head to face him and he flinches.
“Thanks?” I try to smile in response. My nerves are twisted. I’m afraid to say something stupid, feeling self-conscious and highly aware that my hygiene is not at its best at the moment. He doesn’t seem to care though. “So, you work out here often? I haven’t seen you in here before.”
“No, I’ve only been in here a couple of times. I mostly run at night. I was feeling the need to lift weights tonight though. Do you come here often?”
“I used to work out four times a week. It’s been a few months though, since my last work out. I need to remedy that. I always feel better afterwards.” He nods as if he understands, or maybe he’s just bored.
“We didn’t have a gym in our apartment building, so I would run around the block for a few miles. I got really good. I ran track for school too. I love it, the sting in my legs when I push my limits. It’s amazing.” I slide off the bike, feeling dizzy. Noah steadies me when I stumble. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just need my water.” He holds out his hand, keeping it on my shoulder while the other reaches over the bike to the cup holder and retrieves my bottle. “Thanks.” Once I gain momentum, I step up on the treadmill to walk. My legs feel like jelly. Noah approaches the weights. He picks up a twenty-five pounder and starts lifting. I watch him through the reflection of the mirror in front of me, admiring the way his muscles flex when his arm comes up.
I start slow walking but turn my head to see him looking at me. He’s watching me and I feel the heat creep back into my cheeks but I’m so red already, it doesn’t matter. Why do I feel so nervous around him? We’ve already been out together once and plus, we’ve hung out several times.
Suddenly he’s in front of me, as I didn’t even see him move. I flinch in surprise. He smiles, still lifting the weight. “Are you going to work out again?”
“I’ve been trying to get Andi to work out with me but apparently it’s against her nature or something.” An idea pops into my head and before I stop myself, I say, “Do you want to be my work out buddy? Or maybe trainer?” He raises his eye brows, surprise. “You don’t have to, it was just a thought.”
“I’d love to. And maybe, perhaps you’d like to be my running buddy?” I hate running. I was always slow, which is why I didn’t try out for track even when my gym teacher suggested it. I ran out of breath too quickly.
“You wouldn’t want me to. I’m slow. I’d just slow you down the whole time.”
“It’s fine. The more you ran, the more you’d get used to it. And then you would be able to keep up.” It does sound like fun. It would be something else we enjoyed doing together, casually.
I pretend to ponder on the idea so I don’t sound too overeager. “Okay, fine. I’ll run with you. As long as you don’t wake me up at the ass crack of dawn. On my days off that is.”
“Which is?” He raises an eye brow.
“I thought I told you when I had off. But it’s the weekends. I actually prefer to run at night.” He flashes a cocky grin and I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into.
“Okay. Sounds like a deal. Don’t worry; I’ll keep you safe from the boogey man.” He teases. I glare at him.
“Well, you seem like a different person. What gives?”
He switches arms, still lifting weights. He eyes me curiously. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you come in here all high and mighty and confident and outspoken. Is the sight of a smelly, sweaty chick a turn on for you?” He laughs, shaking his head in amusement. I’m sure turned on by the sight of his sweaty form though. Holy hell.
“Very cute. But no.” He moves closer to the machine, my treadmill I’m slowly walking on. His eyes are smoldering and intense when he stares into mine. I forget how to breathe for a minute. The air around us is stifling but I don’t really notice. “I thought about what you said, about living and not dwelling on the past, moving forward instead. You inspire me to want to forget all the shit from my fucked up life. I don’t want to stand still anymore. I mean, I am not sure how to move forward exactly, but I’m willing to try. With you.”
“With me?”
“Yeah, with you. I want to take you out and I want you to say yes. And I don’t-“
“Yes!” I blurt out, surprising us both. I almost slap myself in the face for being so stupid, so blunt. But it’s the truth. I want him to take me out. I want him to want to take me out. I jump off the treadmill, and move to stand only inches from him. “Yes.” I say, more composed. He smiles.
“Wait, what I was asking is to take you out, not just
a second or third date. But as many dates as it takes to know you inside and out. I want to know your heart…and your soul. I want to know you better than anyone else does. Guywise, that is.” I lean back against the treadmill to keep my balance.
“If you’re asking me to be your girlfriend, then just ask me. Point blank. This isn’t high school or middle school. I don’t do stupid guessing games where I have to guess the meaning of your secret messages. Just be up front and honest.”
His face flushes, slightly but I take notice. “Okay Maddy, would you be my girlfriend? I mean, I’ve never used the term before with anyone. Like I said, this is new to me so I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I have a habit of fucking things up in my life. But I like you. And I-“ He looks away, discouraged, like he’s trying to find the right words. I smile and when he meets my eyes again, the corner of his lips quirk just a bit. “I want to take it slow and do this right.”
I take his hand, hold it and look into his green eyes. “First of all, you’re doing fine. Don’t belittle yourself. And yes, I’ll be your girlfriend. I think it’s a good idea to take it slow, to make sure this is what we both want.” He intertwines our fingers, smiling. I look down at our joined hands, our different sized hands. Mine are so small compared to his larger ones. But they feel safe and protected. My eyes shift upward and land on his lips. They’re enticing, begging me to fill them with mine. “I need to stretch on the mat. You keep doing that, or whatever you’re doing.” I’m so confused and my brain has left me, the traitor that it is. I start to walk away as he starts to chuckle, clearly amused. He grabs my arm and pulls me back to him.
“What’s wrong? Am I distracting you?” Yes, completely. Go away so I can think. I want to say but instead I just glare up at him. He leans down and places a gentle kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes and let out a breath. I want to grab his damn face and kiss the crap out of him until our lips are raw. But the subtle gestures are too thoughtful to ruin. I’ve never been kissed on the forehead or the cheek. Its small things like that that makes me so intrigued by him. Sucking face with someone hot is all great but who can resist a guy that treats a lady so carefully?
“Okay, go do your stretching. I’m hitting the showers.” He practically shoves me away, slapping my ass. “Tomorrow we can start our work out, which by the way will be brutal. I used to work at a gym, so I know all there is to know about routine.” I swallow the lump in my throat, not liking the sound of that one bit. What did I get myself into?
I turn around and step onto the mat. I guess I like a little challenge. Maybe. I sit up with my legs out in front of me and lean forward. I try to keep my mind off the fact that Noah is now in the shower. Focus Maddy.
My hair is sticking to the sides of my face. I push them back and catch a whiff of my odor. Geez, I need a shower pretty badly. I spread my legs and do more stretches.
“Alright, I’m out. I’ll call you soon.” Noah saunters back out. I look up and see his damp hair in his face. God, he’s gorgeous…and wet.
“Wait, that’s it?” I stand up, gaining a head rush. I wince and sit back down, slowly. “You’re just going to leave?”
His right eye brow lifts in confusion. “Uh, yep. I just wanted to lift a little weights and talk to you. Well, I just wanted to lift weights since I didn’t know you’d be here. But talking to you was a bonus. I’ve got to go now though. We’ll meet up soon, okay?”
I avoid looking at him and continue my work out. “Okay, I need to finish anyway. So, move along.” I flick my hand in a “shoo”. He laughs but stays put. He moves to stand right in front of me and kneels so we’re eye level. His hand reaches out to move strands of sweaty hair away from my face. Our eyes meet and lock for several long seconds, and then he whispers, “I like it when you’re bossy.” He grins, kisses the top of my head and leaves. When the door finally shuts behind him, I finally let out the breath I’d been holding. What the hell was that?
Chapter 34
Noah
I always enjoyed building stuff. I found out the hard way when I would take models apart and put them back together. I remember asking my father to help me build model airplanes and cars, wanting a father-son bonding experience. Sadly he was too busy for me, giving me excuse after excuse. I finally became tired of begging a man that could care less about me so I taught myself a lot. Even when I screwed stuff up and I did, a lot. I struggled with following instructions and it was frustrating. I gave up trying to build stuff, so I walked to the park down the street from our house and started playing catch by myself. That was hard to do.
That’s when I met my first friend, Riley. I was eight years old. He was a neighbor who lived on the other side of the park. He and his dad came to the park a lot to play baseball or throw the football around. I watched in envy and a little jealousy. Their bond was strong, making me wish Riley’s dad was mine. The more I showed up to the park, the more they were there too. Eventually, instead of just watching from the outside, I’d become included. Riley and I formed a friendship and it felt real. Something I’d needed in my life. His dad started inviting me over for dinner some nights. It was nice to be accepted for a change, not invisible. I came to a point where I trusted Riley.
I was happy to have a friend to take me away from all the drama that ensued at my house. My parents began fighting so much it was difficult to come home. I hated them. Why couldn’t they take their bull shit somewhere else? There’s nothing worse than hearing your parents yell at each other constantly. Eventually you start to blame yourself for their problems. I started to play football for school. I was good, I was fast, I was aggressive too. I used the sport as a means to let go of my anger and frustration from my home life. It was a stupid reason but at the time I didn’t care.
It got worse when Riley and his family moved away. By then I liked being alone. I was used to it. It was then that my parents divorced and my father called me a mistake. It was also then that I met Spencer. And shortly after, I met Alexa Marshall. She moved from Wyoming. The three of us had a lot of classes together and we became inseparable. They were the only people I lived to care about. I guess being neglected by my parents helped me become independent and self-sufficient. I didn’t rely on anyone but myself. I didn’t want to care only to be let down. So in a way, it also made me bitter and careless.
“Noah, I brought you some coffee.” My aunt approaches me, thankfully interrupting my thoughts of the past.
“Thank you.” I gratefully take the steamy cup from her grip and set it down on the ground beside my chair. Working on my aunt’s kitchen chair has opened up old wounds. But it’s been a great distraction from Maddy. She’s been busy and I’ve been giving her space. We talk and we’ve had late night work outs together, which has been great. But I don’t want to smother her or make her feel like she has to spend every minute with me just because we’re trying this dating thing, even if all I think about is being near her every second of every day. I miss her like crazy when we’re apart.
“How’s the table coming?” I should be getting a job or finish school. But when I moved here, I decided I would take a year off and get acclimated to a new surrounding and new life. After all, if I ended up not liking it here, I planned on moving back to New York. But in doing so-taking a year off that is- I should have realized I’d get bored easily.
“It’s coming along. I should finish by next week I think. I want to take my time on it, give me something to do.” She pats my back before walking out of the garage.
“I’ll make you some food.” She calls over her shoulder. My stomach growls on cue and I realize I’m hungry. I guess I can take a break.
“Yeah, I’ll be in shortly.” I’ve already sanded the wood. I have the brackets and screws ready to put on. I’ll work on that next time. I put the tools away and close up the garage. Before heading inside, I stare at the swing where Maddy and I sat together. Her face appears in my vision. Actually it’s her sad smile I see, as she talked about her family. I close my eyes and let out a b
reath. I can do this. I can be the man she needs in her life. I have to try. For Maddy, I’d learn to walk on water.
I walk in to see my aunt cooking chicken. “Want some help?” She smiles and asks for a few ingredients. “I’ll make some mashed potatoes and corn bread.”
“Thank you Noah. That would be wonderful.” Since I moved here, I’ve gotten closer to my aunt. It’s been nice having someone cool to talk to. Someone who doesn’t blame you for everything wrong in your life. Someone you can trust, even if you don’t always agree with them. Derrick and I have gotten closer too. “Who taught you to cook?” Peeling the potatoes is my least favorite part of this ordeal but I keep my gripes to myself.
“It’s not hard to follow a recipe. Over the years, I had to teach myself to do a lot. Not having anyone to help me left me no choice.” I can hear the bitterness of my words. I throw the skin in the trash, grab the cutting board and start cutting the potatoes.
“You’ve grown into a fine young man. I’m proud of you.” I pause briefly, letting her words soak in. I’ve never had anyone say those words to me. It’s something a child longs to hear from their parents. But I know I’ve made mistakes I’m not proud of. I shake the thoughts from my head and continue cutting. “So, how’s Maddy? I hear you two are somewhat of an item.”
“Who told you that?” I already know the answer but I ask anyway. I toss the cut up potatoes in the pot of boiling water. My aunt prepares a pot of coffee to brew, which thank God, I was thinking I wanted to do the same thing.
“I heard it from-“
“Let me guess, Derrick?” She gives me a sideways glance while grabbing two mugs.
