by Annie Brewer
“Maybe.”
“Look, we are seeing each other. But we’re taking it slow. I wish people would refrain from sharing other people’s stories with others. I don’t want to screw this up, Aunt Linda. I’ve never been in a relationship where it didn’t involve sharing a bed. We went on one date and plan for another soon.” I laugh to myself. I’ve never known a girl to like rock climbing but she seems to like the outdoors. And she’s definitely not superficial which makes me like her much more.
“You should take her to the zoo. She loves animals. I think she’d like it.” It would seem childish to some but my aunt is right. She works at an animal clinic and I know how much she cares for animals. It could be a fun trip.
The potatoes boil, the coffee is ready and I’m itching to hear from Maddy. I pull out my phone and set it on the table, staring at it as if a message is going to magically appear.
What is she doing? Why won’t she at least text me to say hi? Irritated with myself, I push my phone aside and gaze into my cup for the hell of it. Then I get up to check on the potatoes and start on the cornbread. The text alert from my phone startles me and I drop what I’m doing and snatch it up off the table.
Maddy: Hey, Noah. I hope you’re having a great day. When are we going on our rock climbing date? I smile, wishing she could see the goofy grin on my pathetic face. But I just text her back.
Me: Hey, I was just thinking about you. I’m good…having dinner with my aunt. About the date, I’m up for any night or day. Just say when. How are you?
I almost tell her I miss her but dismiss the thought instantly, so I don’t come off as a desperate, needy guy. I pour another cup of coffee and sit down. Waiting for her reply, I inspect the table and the space it sits in, realizing I never took accurate measurements. I hope the new one will fit. Another text.
Maddy: Andi’s not doing so well. I’m just trying to be here for her. There are family issues going on. But I’d love to go this week. Want to meet up for a drink tomorrow night? Midnight? The bar that is.
I know I had planned to give up the bar scene but really, it might have to wait. Still, who says I have to drink just because I walk into a bar? Plenty of people go to the bar and don’t drink. I can order a soda. I’ll order a soda. I text back…
Me: Sure, I’ll see you tomorrow night. I hope Andi is okay. I’m here if you need anything.
I know what it’s like to have family problems. I just hope are easier to solve than mine were.
Maddy: Thanks Noah. I want to see you more. It’s just Andi was always there for me when I needed her. Thanks for understanding. Look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Have a great night. Tell Linda I said hi.
Me: I will. Sweet dreams.
I feel like such a sap. It feels like a new, slow beginning. A new me. I hope it lasts.
Dinner is quiet. Both Aunt Linda and I are lost in thought. I keep wondering if I need to take measurements of the table before I proceed further. I’d hate to finish a nice table but have nowhere to put it. “Do you think we can make room in the dining are for the table? I’m afraid it might not fit here.” The dining area should be used for eating anyway, instead. She has a desk, china cabinet and a bunch of knick knack shit that takes up space. She really needs to have a yard sale.
“I think it should be fine here, Noah. But in case it doesn’t, yeah I’ll make room.”
I slurp my gravy, mixing it with my mashed potatoes and take a drink of kool-aide. “Have you thought of having a yard sale? You could make a shit ton of cash for all the crap you keep around here.” I laugh and add, “I swear you could be on an episode of Hoarders.” She doesn’t find it amusing. I eat my corn bread in silence.
“I do have a lot of junk, don’t I?” My aunt breaks the silence. “How do you suppose I could find people to come look at this stuff? I live out in the Boondocks.”
“This is not the Boondocks. Trust me. I can help.” I realize most of the stuff that she’d sell belonged to my uncle. Maybe it’s too hard to get rid of it. Boy do I feel like an ass now. I didn’t know him well but from what I did know, he was a good man. Better than my father ever was. He died four years ago of a heart condition.
“Yeah, I’ll have to think about it. Maybe I’ll ask Derrick if there’s anything he wants first.”
“Maddy said hello by the way.” I steer the conversation away from my uncle, sensing her struggle to talk about him. I’d like to know more about him one day.
“Have you told her everything Noah?” Well hell…
“So I guess we skip one sore topic and jump right onto the next?” I stretch my legs out in front of me under the table, crossing my arms.
“Noah, you need to tell her. She needs to know.”
“Why must everyone know about my past? They call it the past for a reason. I’d like to keep it that way.”
“You can’t keep running from it, it’ll always outrun you. Always.” My muscles in my jaw tense. I thought she was supposed to help me get over it, not relive it.
“It’s dead and buried, where I want it Aunt Linda. Can’t you leave it alone?” I shovel a bite of chicken, gravy and potatoes in my mouth to keep from talking. But my aunt just keeps digging. She’s relentless.
“Noah, you can’t expect to move on if you haven’t faced your demons or accept the things you couldn’t control. Let it go.”
“Fuck! I moved here to start over. I didn’t come here so you could badger me; I dealt with that shit enough back in New York. I thought you were here to help me.”
She stands up and leans in, only inches from my face. “I am here to help you. Don’t you see that?” She sits back down. “Maybe you should let Maddy go.” I stiffen as her words sink in. What is she suggesting?
“Um, what was that?”
“If you can’t fully let go of all the guilt and pain you’re harboring, you should let her go until you do. Otherwise, you’ll only bring her down with you. She’s been through enough.” I’m on defense mode, standing up abruptly almost knocking the chair back. I guess she sees I’m not good for her too. “Noah-“
“Don’t.” I put my hand up and take a breath. “I can’t believe after you telling me I’d be good for her and should go for it, now you’re telling me to let her go. Great advice.”
“I thought you’d open up to her, let her in. Maybe you’d feel like you can trust someone. I know you lived a very closed off life in New York. And I get it, you didn’t have the support and love you should’ve.” I look away, clenching my fists at my sides. “Maddy is the type that wants to help everyone. She’d feel obligated to carry your burden too.”
“I appreciate your advice, really. But let me live my life the way I want to. Right now, she makes me want to do things I’ve never done before. Maybe, just maybe she’ll make me want to open up.” Part of me wondered if I was telling her this to appease her and get her off my back, but then I wonder if there’s some truth to it. She does make me want to open up. I’m just not ready for that yet.
My aunt finishes her dinner quietly. When I finish mine, I wash the dishes and announce my parting. I give her a hug, not wanting to fight. She’s all I’ve got. “I love you, Aunt Linda. I just need your support. And I promise, I won’t hurt Maddy. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s…” I search for the right word because I’m so new at this, this feeling something for someone other than annoyance or disdain. It’s just foreign to me and scary. And I kinda like it. “She’s something special.”
My aunt pulls back, brushing my cheek affectionately with her thumb. Then she kisses me on the head. “You’re a good man. I’ve no doubt you’ll do good things. Just be careful.” I smile, hoping she’s right. I really should stop while I’m ahead.
Chapter 35
Noah
I know on Wednesdays, Maddy works until 5 at the clinic. We never did set up a time to meet up. When six rolls around, I take a shower and shave. I can’t contain the excitement I feel at the prospect of seeing her again. It’s so silly and beyond me. The only ot
her person I’d get this excited about was Lex. I scrub my body and hair clean.
I walk out of the bathroom in search for decent clothes. I notice all my dirty laundry littering my floor, and make a mental note to do some serious intervening. I grab a pair of jeans out of my closet and find a sweater but settle on a beige long-sleeved shirt instead. After slipping my shoes on and fixing my hair, I take my keys and phone and head out the door.
It’s 7:10 when I pull into the parking lot. It’s not too busy, which is fine with me. I’m not in the mood for a large crowd right now. I walk through the door, searching for a table to save us in case Maddy is not already here. But when I turn to my left, I see her. My heart does some sort of flip, just from seeing the back of her head. And then…crashes. She’s not alone. What the hell? I slowly walk toward her and see that indeed, she’s with someone. And rage sets in. I see him…the bastard that took her home that first night. Her laughter resonates in my ears. It’s a beautiful sound. But what could he be saying that’s so funny? And why is he even here?
I take a deep breath before I approach her. I clench my fists together at my sides, calming my rage. Maybe jealousy too. Yeah, I’m jealous, I’ll admit. What a bitch. When he sees me first he steps back, his smile falters, replaced by annoyance.
“Maddy?” Her laughter dies in her throat when her eyes find mine.
“Noah, hey. I was going to text you. I got off work early and just wanted a drink before you got here.” I gaze at the pitcher of beer, wondering how many she’s had already. Part of me wonders if she’s being honest. About texting me. But I can’t judge. I shift my gaze to the douche with a smirk on his face like he knows a joke and I’m the punch line. I’d like to rip his arm off his body and hit him with it. Right after pouring the pitcher over his head. You’re out of control, get it together.
“Hey Noah, you should join us.” He has the nerve to address me.
I simply smile politely and calmly answer, “I’m actually joining Maddy. You can leave now.”
“Oh Noah this is Trey. Trey, Noah.” I don’t look away from him but speak to Maddy.
“Yeah, I remember him. I don’t like him.” I lean in to whisper in Maddy’s ear, “I want to talk to you.” She nods. I direct my attention to Trey who is taking a big gulp of his beer. “I need to talk to Maddy. Alone.” I don’t bother with the please because I don’t bend over and kiss ass. One way or another he’s leaving the table. Maddy slaps my arm, catching me off-guard.
“Noah, be nice. He bought me a pitcher. I can’t just kick him out.”
I narrow my eyes, a little hurt and irritated. “I can buy you a pitcher.” As Trey started to interrupt me I threw up a hand in his direction. “This doesn’t concern you.”
“Dude, I bought this pitcher, you can have some if you want.” I step in Trey’s space and glare at him angrily. “You can take the pitcher and get the fuck out of here. She doesn’t need all that alcohol.” He begins to protest but as my fist is aiming at his face, he grabs the pitcher and hauls ass away from the table. I turn back to Maddy, and catch her pissed expression.
“That was rude. He was just talking to me. You didn’t have to be an ass.” I sit down across from her, my nerves shot to hell. Why is she acting like this?
“Maddy, that asshole was all over you the last time, or did you forget? He was staring at your ass every time you were bent over the pool table. He clearly had only one thing in mind. And I’m sure this time is no different.”
“Right, because you know what everyone’s intentions are every time you walk into a bar, just by looking at them. Right?” I know what his were. “Well in any case, at least he acted like he was interested in me.” I kept my foot grounded to the floor, biting my tongue. I won’t leave her like this, no matter what. Something is bothering her.
“How long have you been here? How much have you had to drink?” I push her glass away from her.
“Enough to forget everything. It’s been a shitty week. What does it matter to you, anyway?” I drop my head, uncertain of a response. I feel like an ass. I take her hand and force her to look at me. She’s reluctant at first, but when I see her turn her head, I see tears in her eyes. I lean over the table to kiss them away, before common sense sets in. “Why didn’t you call me?” She pulls her hand away, avoiding eye contact as she wipes her eyes. “Maddy, why didn’t you call me? I would have come. I would’ve taken you somewhere, anywhere you wanted to go. What’s wrong?”
“Life. That’s what’s wrong, Noah. Life is one fucked up game and I’m the pawn. I’m sick of being the fucking pawn.” Her voice rises, making me flinch. “I just want the pain to go away. I want it all to go away. I want everyone to be happy. I want to be able to sleep at night. God.” She grabs both sides of her head as if she’s trying to crush her skull. I reach up, grab her hands and slowly bring them down.
“Please talk to me. You gotta get it out. Drinking is not the solution.” She spaces out, her eyes never blinking. This side of Maddy is frightening. Maybe she really should see a professional, as much as she doesn’t want to.
“Andi’s father is dying. He has cancer. He’s a second father to me, well more like a first.” The air from my lungs flee my body. Shit.
“Christ.” I whisper. What do you say to something like that?
“All those years I had no one, they took me in. They were a selfless, kind family and now they’re repaid with this shit. It’s not fair.” I hop out of my seat and grab her in a hug, rubbing her back. Her body shakes with every sob she lets out. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” She mumbles in my chest but I can’t make out the words so I just wrap my arms tighter around her. I know what it’s like to deal with death. Maybe not the death of a parent, but death in general is the hardest fact of life. I feel her grip tighten around my back, like she’s trying to hold on. She suddenly pulls back and gazes into my eyes, so intense, I’m almost certain she can see through me, into my soul. And then her eyes travel downward and stop at my lips.
God damn, I want to kiss her. Just once. I could just move less than an inch and my mouth would be against hers. And I want to. She starts to lean in as I turn my head away. I can’t do it, not like this. “Maddy, I think we should take you home.”
She laughs, grabbing her purse. “Don’t bother taking me home. I’ll find a ride.” She stumbles and I step in front of her, gripping her shoulders. “Stop it. You’re drunk and you need to sleep it off. I’ll take you home.”
“You don’t know what I need. But I can see that you’re not what I need. It seems you’ve made that clear.”
I shake her and look in her eyes. “Stop. Just stop. I know you’re going through a lot right now and I get it. But this isn’t going to help.”
“God, I practically throw myself at you. You send me all these mixed signals, making me think…that for a second you might be interested. But then you just push me away. Why Noah? Am I that repulsive?” My heart plummets to my feet. Damn, this is so wrong. She’s right though, and I hate it. I hate what I’m doing to her. My aunt may have been right. This is why I never mixed emotions with sex. It gets too fucking complicated.
“Maddy, I want to kiss you. Trust me. But not like this. You’re feeling vulnerable and the alcohol has fucked with your head. I promise that kiss will come, but not tonight.” She grabs her purse and throws the strap over her shoulder. I walk to the bar and ask for a glass of water. Once she drinks it, she follows me out to my jeep.
Ten minutes into the drive, she’s passed out. I hate alcohol. Fucking ruins lives. I pound on the steering wheel a couple of times, pissed. Pissed at life. Pissed at the night. But mostly pissed at myself.
Chapter 36
Maddy
I open my eyes, my head pounding and my stomach in knots. I feel like absolute shit. Where am I? I’m in a comfortable bed, I know that much but it’s not my room. I move to observe my surroundings and instantly regret it. I moan in pain.
What the hell happened? And then…images of Trey, t
he bar, and…Noah. Oh hell. “You’re awake.” I glance at the doorway as Noah stalks in with a cup of coffee in his hand. Oh please be for me, please..please.
“Hi.” I respond hoarsely. I wince when I try to sit up, so I lie back down. He sits beside me and hands me the cup. “Thank you.” I smile and take a drink. The steamy liquid is smooth going down my throat. “How much did I drink?”
“A lot. I’m not sure exact amount but you were already drunk when I got there.” Oh damn. I remember getting there after work in the late afternoon. Trey was there and we took shots together. It wasn’t planned, I just needed an escape.
“I’m so sorry. When I asked you to meet me, I never planned on drinking that much. Or even starting without you.”
He takes one of my hands, massaging the back of it. “Why didn’t you tell me about Andi’s dad sooner?”
I hand him the cup to put beside the bed. I see tenderness in his eyes. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to believe it was happening. I lose everyone I love. Saying it out loud would make it that much more true.” I lean back against the pillow and close my eyes. And then I remember something, my eyes snap open. “What did I say to you?” He looks away, fighting something inside himself. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does. Tell me I didn’t say or do anything stupid.” His lip curves upward on one side. “You almost did but I stopped it. You need to get some rest.” He moves off the bed. Disappointment settles in my chest.
“I slept in your bed all night?”
“Yes.” He answers.
“And you slept-“
“On the couch.” Both relief and again, disappointment simultaneously fill my chest. “Why didn’t you take me home?” Not that I’m complaining, but curiosity has gotten the best of me.
“You crashed soon after we left the bar. I wanted to make sure you were okay. And besides, you threw up a few times once we got here. I doubt Andi needed to see you like this.” So that’s why I feel sick, my stomach is empty or I could’ve pulled a muscle from the strain. I hate puking! Even worse, I hate puking in front of a guy. What must he think of me now?
