by Annie Brewer
“Get some rest. We’ll go get your car later.” He reaches the door but I have to ask him..
“Noah, did I…did we..” He shakes his head, but I can see the slightest tint of sadness in his expression. “No, did I try to kiss you?” He hesitates but I can see the answer on his face. I’m so embarrassed for throwing myself at him. “I’m sorry for what I said. I was a drunken bitch and you didn’t deserve it. I understand if you were disgusted with me.” He moves back to the bed, I look away. I can’t look at him. I’m ashamed. I let myself get out of control.
“I’m not disgusted with you, Maddy. Look at me.” I don’t. He sits down and gently takes my hand. The touch sends heat coursing up my arm. “Maddy look at me.” Please.” Something in his voice, pleading maybe, causes me to obey. I shift so my body faces him. My hand moves under the pillow for support of my head. I stare at the hand that’s still holding mine. He’s so different from the guy I first met. “I’m sorry I didn’t give in. But I knew it wasn’t really what you wanted. I know what it’s like to feel pain and want nothing more than to feel numbness instead. I’ve been there. And I can’t say I know what you’re going through, I have my parents. But I’ve felt plenty of pain and loss. Alcohol isn’t going to make it stop.”
“Thank you for not giving in.” I interrupt. It seems silly that I’m more focused on stuff that almost but didn’t happen instead of the real problem.
He smiles. “I didn’t think you’d object once the alcohol wore off. Now last night, that’s another story.” He laughs, I try to laugh but it feels like a semi sat on top of my skull, so I just smile.
“I’m sorry. Can we just forget it ever happened? I’m so embarrassed.” He leans in, so close to my face. I hold my breath and turn away when I realize I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. My mouth is cottony tasting mixed with coffee, not the best breath smell.
“It’s forgotten.” He finally says. I try to hide a wide smile and shudder at the feel of his breath on my cheek. I wonder if he can feel my pulse speeding. “And just so you know,” he whispers in my ear, “our first kiss will be an unforgettably, toe-curling, heart-stopping, leave-you-breathless kind of kiss. I promise.” I’m staring at him in surprise and awe the he used such descriptive words.
“I look forward to it.” I promise. He leans above and places a feather-light kiss on my cheek before moving to the door. “Thank you for taking care of me.” He winks. “By the way, these walls are in need of a paint job.”
“Painting party?”
“Yeah, that would be good. But first, our rock climbing date.” I’m not sure why I’m so adamant about rock climbing but I won’t let it go. He’s leaning against the door frame and I take a minute to appreciate his beauty, not so much the outside as the inside. His heart, he has one. And I’m determined to prove it. I finally slip into oblivion.
“Maddy.” I hear my name, I don’t answer. But I hear someone calling to me. “Maddy, you need to go. You need to see him. He needs you.” I open my eyes, blink a few times and see I’m back in my bed. What the hell? I sit up and look around. When did I come home? Where’s my car? “Maddy honey, you need to talk to him.” Mom! What the fuck? I rub my eyes but she’s still here, in front of me, in my room.
“Mom? You’re alive?” She sits down on my bed, takes my hand and squeezes. Tears fall from my eyes. She’s alive. And she’s in my room. And she’s more beautiful than ever. Her blue eyes and long dark blonde hair hangs below her shoulders. She’s wearing a white dress. My father always loved when she wore dresses. “Mommy.” I throw my arms around her and cry into her neck. “I’ve missed you so much. Why did you leave us? I needed you. Daddy needed you. He’s not well. He needs you.” I realize I’m crying and she’s got me wrapped in her arms tightly, just like she used to do when I was scared or sad. She always knew how to comfort me.
“Oh honey, he needs you. He’s not well.” Wait, didn’t I just say that?
“Mommy, where did you go?” She wipes my tears away. “Honey, I’m always with you. I’ll always be with you, right here.” She places her hand over my heart and I feel a chill go straight through me.
“Promise me you’ll talk to him. He needs his little girl more than ever now. Tell him it wasn’t his fault. Tell him I love him and will see him one day.”
“Let’s go tell him now mom. Together.” She’s crying now. I hate seeing my mother cry. I want to make her feel better.
“Honey, I have to go now. I love you. I’ll always be with you. It wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t Daddy’s fault either. I love you. Take care of each other.”
“NO!” I shout. “No mommy, don’t leave me. I need you. Please.” She’s gone and I’m down on my knees, sobbing. “Please come back. Please. Don’t leave me.” My stomach hurts and I want to hit something.
“Maddy, Maddy wake up!” I’m shaken awake and I spring forward and almost collide with Noah. He grips me by the arms. “God, you scared me.” I plunge into his arms and cry. I’m in his room again, in his bed. It was just a dream. I didn’t really see her. My mind was fucking with me. That’s why I hate sleeping. I have nightmares like these more than I’d like to and it only worsens the heartache. “Shhh, I’m here.” He rubs soothing circles on my back and it helps to calm me.
“I saw her, Noah.” I sniff. “I saw my mom. It felt so real. I was back in my old room. She talked to me. She looked so beautiful.” I pull back and wipe my face, angrily. “I miss her so much, it hurts.” I’m sick of these nightmares. I cough and fling myself back onto the pillow.
“You were flailing about. I heard you screaming something and I came in. You were moving your arms and saying stuff I couldn’t understand. God, I’m so sorry. I get nightmares that feel so real sometimes I wake up and act out my dream, like I’m sleep walking. Your mind can really play dirty tricks on you.”
“Noah, she told me I needed to talk to my dad. She told me he blames himself.” He raises his eyebrows, stunned. I hadn’t had dreams that felt that real since I was younger. I usually just cried myself awake, but this was so different. “It was the weirdest thing, I woke up and I was in my old room again, but at first I saw her as an adult. And then I was 7 years old again, begging my mommy to come home.”
“Wow, that’s so bizarre. Do you have dreams like this often?”
“Not like this one. Not since I was younger. I usually don’t remember them all. I just know she was in them. I wake up crying but she was never this vocal before.”
“Do you think maybe she’s trying to tell you in some way that your dad needs you? I believe dreams can mean something.” I’m not sure what to believe. I always wondered about angels, if they’re real. I have an open mind about that stuff, I just don’t have anything concrete either way.
“It could be my hangover doing this. Playing a mind fuck game.” I scoot back against the headboard, exhausted. I just can’t sleep anymore. I toss the comforter aside. I need to pee.
Noah moves off the bed so I can get up. I stretch my stiff body and walk out of the room. I have no idea what time it is. “Where’s my phone?” I ask.
He grabs my purse off the counter and hands it to me. I pull my phone out and try to power it up, but it’s dead. Figures. “Shit, I need to call Andi. She’s probably worried. Can I use your phone?”
“Yeah, but I actually contacted her this morning. She was not happy with me. But I explained the situation, so I think she hates me less now. I think.” I feel guilty for placing Noah in this situation. I give him an apologetic smile as I dial Andi’s cell.
“She doesn’t hate you. She probably just thought something happened to me. I always tell her where I am.”
“Hello?” A voice from the other line answers.
“Hey, it’s me. Sorry my phone died.” I glance at Noah who’s watching me, also pouring a cup of coffee for us. I love that he can read my mind. “Yeah, he’s been taking care of me.”
“Maddy, I didn’t say anything. What are you doing?” Andi interrupts my fake conversation.
But I ignore it and keep going.
“No it’s fine. We have to go get my car from the bar. Seriously, I’m fine. Yes, mother.” I make a face and roll my eyes dramatically. Noah laughs quietly. I quickly look away as I speak softly. “We’ll talk later. Gotta go now. I was just calling to let you know I wasn’t abducted by aliens.” I shake my head. “Right, I know aliens are not real.”
“They’re not real?” She shrieks. I actually laugh.
“Kay bye.” I hang up on her and set the phone on the counter. “Sorry, she gets a little crazy when I’ve been gone too long and haven’t called her.” He hands me a cup after he’s poured in sugar and milk. “Thanks.” I take it graciously, welcoming the hot steam against my palm.
“She has a right to act that way. It shows she cares.” I think she gets too protective at times. But right now, I guess she has a right. Her emotions are out of whack.
We move to the couch and sit. My head is feeling better, less like a tractor roadway and more like a tiny ache. Bearable. “She doesn’t hate you. But she worries that you’re a player. She’s afraid you’ll get me interested in you and then hurt me in the end.” I don’t look at him but I can feel the tension hovering between us like a cloak. I can’t help but worry too. He’s so one way then another. He has a past, big deal. We all have them. We all have baggage. But we shouldn’t let it define us, our future.
He leans forward looking at the floor, resting his elbows on his knees in contemplation. After a few minutes of silence, he lets out a breath, rubbing the back of his neck. “What do you think?” I glance at him, uncertain of a response. At first I thought he was. I mean he had an attitude and was very stand-offish. But the more time I spent with him, the more of the barriers I saw coming down, slowly. I want to try and break through his wall. Life is too short to walk through it alone.
“Honestly, I would have agreed with her. But that was months ago. Now, I see a side of you, you keep hidden from the world. I see you trying to change and make a difference in the world.”
“Aren’t we all?” He leans back, grabbing my waist close to his side. “I was a player. I was not the nicest person. I didn’t ever care about anything but myself. The girls I used and abused would tell you to stay away from me. Hell, I would too…if I wasn’t so determined to show you I can be a good guy. A chance to show you a side no one has ever witnessed. I understand why Andi would think that. But I will show her, I’m not that guy in New York. I don’t want to be.” I smile, recognizing the truth in his words and enjoy the closeness.
We finish our coffee in silence. Noah stands up and turns to me, extending his arms to help me up. I accept and just when I start to turn and move to the kitchen, he wraps his arms around me in a hug. I don’t resist and sink into the feel of his body against mine. I feel safe, wanted. I don’t want to let go and I don’t want to forget this moment.
He pulls back to look at me. His fingertips move to my face and lightly trace my jaw. He runs his finger over my lip and I almost fall apart at his feet. But I couldn’t move if I tried. I wasn’t expecting this, though I’m not complaining either. My heart beats so hard and fast and loud in my ears. I wonder if he can hear it. I lean my head back to look up at his face. His green eyes show intense passion, desire. He wants to kiss me. Do it, do it!
“I’ll show her. And I’ll show you. I promise.” He whispers. I can’t find my voice, it’s died in my throat, somewhere. So I just nod and swallow, hard. I watch his own throat bob up and down as he swallows.
And then he leans down and rests his forehead against mine. I close my eyes. I can tell his breathing is as erratic as mine. I smile. “Can I kiss you?” He finally asks, softly. I open my eyes and see the question in his greens. “If you want to.” I whisper back. I can feel my face heat up.
“Do you want me to?” My eyes widen. He’s asking permission to kiss me? I’m speechless.
“I wish you would.” He smiles so wide. I love his smile.
He closes the small gap between us and tucks my hair behind my ear. I swear I could feel sweat bead between my breasts and I need a shower. Oh yeah, I still have yet to brush my teeth. But in this moment, I could care less. As long as he doesn’t care.
In one swift movement he grabs my face between his hands, leans in and presses his mouth against mine. His lips are warm and soft and perfect. They move slowly at first. My hands reach up and rest atop his.
After our mouths get acquainted with each other, they move more eagerly. He reaches behind my head and cups the back of my neck with one of his hand while the other rests on my waist, pulling me closer. My lips part, inviting him all the way in. He pulls back just a little, “Tell me when to stop. I don’t want to go too fast, if you’re not ready.” My fingers thread through his thick, silky hair. I smile and shake my head.
“I’ll tell you when we’re moving too fast. But I’ve been waiting for this moment-“ And he crushes his mouth to mine, claiming them. A groan escapes my throat when his tongue slips into my mouth but I let it in. Our tongues rub against each other hungrily. His hands are frantically searching my body and before I realize it, he’s backed me into the wall. I’m trapped, but I like it. His mouth trails kisses down my neck and over my throat, stopping at my collar bone. I moan with pleasure. My hands move under his shirt and up his chest. A pleasant sound breaks through when my nails trail his hard muscles on his stomach, making him shudder.
“Maddy, what the fuck are you doing to me?” He says between ragged breaths. I give him a wicked grin, resting my palms across his stomach. He breathes into my mouth. “Seriously.” He pulls back and sneaks his hand up my shirt, stroking my back.
“Oh god. Damn.” I blurt. My head falls back at the time my back arches.
“Maddy, we should stop.” I squint my eyes shut, ignoring his statement. “No. No I don’t want to stop Noah.” I gasp when his body presses me further into the wall. “We should stop.” He breathes into my hair. I can feel he’s struggling, fighting an internal battle within himself. “I want to take it slow, do things right. It’s always been about sex for me. I don’t want it to be that way with you. I know it’s not, but if we get carried away, then Andi will be proven right.” He lifts my chin up so our eyes meet. I see tenderness soften his irises. Our breathing slows down and he drops his hands down to my waist.
“Noah, why are you so different?” I already know the answer, but my mouth is faster than my brain.
“Why are you?” He asks, looping his fingers through the belt loops on my jeans. His thumbs brush lightly against my stomach. It sends my body into a frenzy. “Seriously, what are you doing to me? The more I spend time with you, the more my mind is cluttered. I’m not used to doing nice things for women but all I want is to make you happy. Tell me why. I’ve wanted to change my life, since I met you.” I smile against his mouth that is teasing me. I grab it and kiss his lips so hard.
“Noah, you can’t want to change for me. You have to want to change for yourself. But I feel the same about you. We’re both damaged, but together we make a perfect mess.” He wraps his arms around me tightly. I do the same and we stay like that for a while, content in each other’s arms.
“We need to get your car.” I nod, pulling away and take our cups to the sink to rinse out.
The car ride to Midnight is quiet but it’s comfortable. Noah takes my hand and presses it against his lips softly. I let out a breath, staring out my window. It’s a good feeling, a feeling I don’t know if I should be feeling when Andi’s world is crashing down.
“What’s wrong Maddy?” I direct my eyes at him, wondering if he can sense my anxiety.
“Am I that obvious?”
“No, you’re just quiet. You’re usually not this quiet.” He smiles sadly, shifting his eyes to the road. “Not to mention, your palm is sweaty.” I yank my hand from his grasp and wipe it on my pants. “That’s gross. I didn’t even realize. Man, I really am a mess.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“I just feel sad for And
i. I’m sort of happy but I feel like I shouldn’t be, not when things are so bad for her.”
Noah frowns, glancing from the road to me. “So you’re supposed to be miserable for the rest of your life? Haven’t you suffered enough, Maddy? Surely, Andi knows this. She wouldn’t resent you for finding something to smile about. You can still be there for her but now you have someone who’s there for you. A person can only take so much emotional distress before it becomes too much to handle.” It sounds cliché, but it seems like Noah was sent to me at the right time, when I needed him the most. I wouldn’t be able to deal with all this shit by myself and I need to be strong for Andi so she can stay strong for her mother. I’ll need to grieve too. Noah’s right, I should be able to find solace and he’s willing to be mine.
“Thank you, Noah. And just so you know, that first kiss was everything you said it’d be…and more.” And as much as I wanted him to kiss me other times, I’m glad he waited because it made this time so special.
“Good. It was for me too. And it’ll only get better baby.”
“It will.”
My car is in the spot I left it yesterday. Honestly, if it was broken into, I don’t think I’d care. I have nothing worth a damn in it. I remove my seat belt and wait before getting out. I walk around to his side and lean into the opened window. “Tomorrow. You, me, rock climbing.” He laughs, playing with my fingers.
“I’ll pick you up.” I lean down and kiss him. It’s a sweet, quick kiss but it’s amazing nonetheless.
“Goodnight Noah.” I begin walking to my car as he calls out, “sweet dreams, Maddy.” Followed by a wink, as usual and he pulls out of the parking lot. I get in my car, sit there for a few minutes and stare at the steering wheel, reflecting on the last twenty-four hours. Well, at least I’ll actually have some juicy make-out story to share with Andi. She’d be so proud.
