by Annie Brewer
“Take care of her, please.” I plead with my aunt.
“Noah,” she breathes into the phone, “I will, I promise. I hope you come back. Call me if you need anything.”
“Thanks. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’ll keep you informed. I just feel like someone ripped my heart out. This is why I didn’t want this. I’m not good at this shit. I’ve hurt both of us.”
“Noah, it takes time. Sometimes your heart has to break in order for it to heal. And yours will, no matter what you decide. Stay strong, go fix things with your mother and your past and I’ll help Maddy through it too. I’ll support whatever you do.”
“Thanks.” I hear them boarding the plane, “Hey I gotta go. Thanks for everything Aunt Linda. I’ll talk to you soon.”
She sniffles and then says, “I love you Noah. I’m glad we got some time together. You’re a great young man. Don’t let your father tear you down. He’s a worthless bastard.”
We say our goodbyes and hang up. I consider for a moment, calling Maddy…but I nix that idea real quick. The plane is here and ready for its passengers. I clutch the ticket in my hand and wait in line. Knowing this is my last chance to make a run for it before I get on the plane, to go back to Maddy or return home…my eyes glance between the runway and the exit…
Have you ever had a moment where a song came on and it transported you back to the particular time in your life in which you heard it? A time where you never thought you’d be this happy but then it was all changed? I’m there. After sticking in my earplugs and turning my MP3 player on, a song plays, one that reminded me of when Maddy and I were happy, full of joy and there was nothing that could take it away from us. Instead of shutting it off, because it’s too painful to hear, I listen. I lean back against the seat and close my eyes. Tears fall from my eyes but I don’t wipe them away. My phone rests in my lap and I absently flip through my pictures. Pictures from New York, the Halloween party, karaoke nights, even pictures I took of her sleeping in my bed. I loved watching her sleep.
“She’s pretty.” A passenger sitting beside me observes. I move my head to look at him and smile sadly. He’s older than me, but not more than 30.
“Yeah, she is.” She’s not pretty, she’s beautiful.
“Is she your girlfriend?” I know I should feel annoyed with this stranger getting all up in my business, but I’m too tired to be angry. I look back at my phone, holding back my emotions, “Something like that.” I reply.
Satisfied with my answer, he leaves me alone the rest of the trip and eventually falls asleep. I stare out the window, watching the sky darken to the color of my heart.
Chapter 61
Maddy
“Maddy, get up. You’ve been sleeping all day.” I hear Andi’s voice but I don’t move, and then reality hits me square in the face. Noah left me, Jim is still sick and I have no one to turn to for comfort. Sometimes it’s easier to blame everyone else than it is to face the facts of life. We live, we die. That’s it.
“Jesus Christ, Maddy.” She shakes me and I kick her, knocking her off my bed. I bury my head back under my pillow and cry. Once the door slams shut with Andi screaming obscenities at me, I lift my head out, to keep from suffocating. I pull the covers up to my neck.
My stiff body climbs out of bed and I grab every picture or memento of Noah and I and throw them in the back of my closet. I can’t be reminded of him and what he did to me. Without warning, a piercing scream erupts from my lungs, echoing off the walls around me and into my ears. I clutch a photo of Noah, my grip strengthens but before I damage it, I toss it to the back with the rest of them. My eye catches a picture of my mother and father. I quickly turn away before I start to cry for them too. I miss my parents. I may not know them that well, but they’re still my parents, my blood. And I need them now more than ever. I thought I was equipped to handle this, but I’m not. I’m weak. I may only be human, but I’m a weak one.
The apartment is quiet when I come out. Andi sits at the table and looks up when she sees me. “Feel better?” I ignore her and pour coffee in my cup. I haven’t eaten in days and my stomach is empty. “It’s going to be okay Maddy. You’ll get through it.” I whirl around, startling myself. “Don’t tell me, it’ll be okay. I’m sick of that god-forsaken phrase. Nothing is okay, Andi and I’m not going to pretend that it is.”
“Maddy you’re not the only one dealing with this shit. I have to tell myself it’s gonna be okay or else I’ll fall apart. I have to be strong for my mother and Ella. They’re counting on me, for comfort. I’m no good to them when I’m sobbing on the floor. I’m sure there’ll come a day when that happens. But Jesus, quit moping around here like you’re the only one who’s ever lost or been left heartbroken. You’re not the only one in this world, dammit.” I flinch at her tone, even though she has a point and every right to be angry with me.
But right now, my stubbornness is making me act irrational. I storm out of the apartment and run. I run so fast my legs burn, it feels good. The chilly air hits my face like paintballs pelting my skin. It hurts, but I don’t stop.
Can a heart actually bleed? If so, I could see a pile of red on the ground. Maybe if I slipped on it…
Okay, I’m not suicidal. I do believe life is worth living, even if right now, I don’t see anything to live for. I’m still human with feelings that are all over the place.
My body finally resigns from the exhaustion and I return home, sweaty and cold. I take a shower, a hot shower, welcoming the scalding hot water as it beats down on me. Once I finish, I lounge on the couch watching movies and vegging out on a tub of rocky road ice cream. Andi is gone for the rest of the day, feeling guilty for being a bitch.
Feeling full of ice cream, I put the rest in the fridge and finish my movie. But I pass out.
When I wake up in a cold sweat, it’s pitch black outside and I’ve no clue if Andi’s been home. A migraine keeps me rooted to the couch cushion. When I touch my face, I feel moistness on my cheeks. I must have been crying in my sleep.
All of a sudden, my dream comes back to me in a rush. I was with my mother, father, Andi, Jim and Noah. We were all together celebrating my birthday. I was offered a job as a Vet in an animal hospital and I had all the people I loved around to celebrate my awesome day. But all of a sudden, I was losing everyone, one by one. It went from being the happiest moment in my life to being the most tragic moment, like that. And it was so vivid, felt so real.
I sit up, dragging my body in an upright position. My head starts to throb so I walk into the bathroom to find some medicine, and gasp at my reflection. I look affright; my skin is sallow with red splotches under my eyes. I look like I haven’t slept in days. Turning my head away from the hideous sight, I grab the medicine from the cabinet and leave the bathroom.
“Oh my god, you look like death.” Andi appears in the hallway, I push past her searching for my coffee, but settle on water to take my pills. “I’m sorry, Maddy.”
I swallow the pill, avoiding her stare. I should be the one to apologize. Andi appears exhausted, knowing what she’s going through I curse myself for being so insensitive. I know my poor attitude isn’t helping. “He’s back in the hospital. I’m gonna stay the night with my mom.” Without a single word, I hug her before I retreat to my room, getting ready for a night out…alone.
“Darlin’, I’ve never seen you so sad.”
“You didn’t know me before I was 20, either.” The bar tender passes me another beer.
“True, but as long as you’ve been coming here, you’ve always had a smile on your face” I take a large gulp, the liquid smoothly running down my throat.
The bar is semi-packed but it’s not too loud. I observe the crowd, hoping Trey doesn’t show up since he usually does at the worst times.
“Jack and coke, please.” My gaze follows the intruder who in turn pins me with a sad look. “Hey Maddy.”
I take a gulp, tearing off the wrapper on the beer bottle for distraction. “What are you doing here?�
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“Just checking up on you.” I fix him with a hard stare, he sighs and twists in his chair, facing me. “I’m sorry about Noah. I know how much you loved him.”
My mouth twitches; I cover my face with my hands, until my emotions are buried again. I shift my body against Landon and lay my head on his shoulder. “Why does everything happen to me? I take a chance and end up hurt and alone.” He wraps his arms around me, comforting me. I needed a friend, and he’s here.
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but don’t give up.” I lift my head and study him. He smiles, “Yeah, I said that. And I mean it. He’s not a bad guy and I don’t think he’s gone for good. Maybe he just needed time away from you, or here to figure shit out. He’ll come back Maddy.” Tears fall from my eyes and I can’t tell whether it’s from the shock of hearing Landon’s words, or fear that it might not happen. “Don’t cry, I hate when you cry.” He wipes my tears away, like he used to do when we were younger. I sink into his chest and stay there for a little while. “I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty friend.”
“You’re being a great one now, and that’s what matters.” I wasn’t the best friend to him either. He kisses the top of my head, reminding me of Noah and how he did that a lot. God I miss him.
“You should go home and get some rest.”
“I can’t go home right now. Andi’s gone for the night and I don’t wanna be home alone. Maybe after a few more beers, being alone won’t bother me so much.”
“Don’t be stupid, Maddy. You can’t drive home drunk.” He slips out of his seat and grabs my arm. “You can sleep at my place. I’ll take the couch, you can take my bed.”
“Well, I’m not sleeping with you, so don’t get any ideas.”
“Please, I don’t want that. I just don’t want you to be alone, or drunk and alone.”
“Shit is so screwed up. I don’t know how to fix anything, anymore. Andi and I are constantly fighting and it’s mostly, if not all, my fault.”
“You’re both going through some shit right now, it’s understandable. Just try to be patient with her. You went through a similar situation, don’t forget.” I finish my beer and climb down from my seat.
“I have to work tomorrow, I need to sleep. Let’s go.” I follow Landon to his car, grateful he’s here with me.
Chapter 62
Noah
Walking through the streets of New York City alone at night in the rain never appealed to me. I couldn’t imagine a better time though. It’s been two weeks now since I left Maddy.
Two weeks without Maddy and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I also know it won’t. If I thought I could escape her, her ghost, I was sorely mistaken. She’s everywhere. I guess if maybe she and I didn’t spend time here in the city, I wouldn’t see her everywhere. I wouldn’t see her face in a crowd of strangers or on the subway or in my neighborhood. I’ve gone to see my mom’s therapist a couple times, asking advice and she says, it won’t get easier if I still pine for her, if I still think about her in my future.
It’s cold and I’m wet but I don’t care. I get it, I made my bed and now I must lie in it. If I catch pneumonia, it’s my own fault. Being back in New York has been difficult. I thought I might like it in my home-town again, maybe enjoy the familiarity. But the truth is, I’ve never felt more out of place in my life. This is not home to me anymore. My heart has never left Colorado. I do believe that saying, “home is where the heart is”, it’s true. My home is in Colorado, with my heart, with Maddy.
I splash around in puddles with my head down and I almost run into a brick wall. I walk to the side, crossing the street. It’s late so there aren’t too many passerby’s.
“Well, well.” I pinch my eyes shut, tight. Fuck. The sound of his voice even makes me nauseous. I turn around and face my father with fury. He’s so smug; I want to rip his face off. Stay cool, don’t piss him off.
“I should’ve expected to run into you. You’re like an itch I can’t get rid of.” I stand my ground, daring him to touch me. I won’t run from him, and I won’t allow him to control my life anymore.
“Well, I do work this way, so what are you doing here? And by yourself? I was expecting to see your girlfriend.” He looks around, searching. “Or did she realize who you really are.”
My jaw clenches as my hands fist at my sides, defensive. “Leave her out of this. It has nothing to do with her.”
“I just asked a question, you’re the one getting bent out of shape.” He moves his hand around suggestively. “I do have to say, she was very ballsy for disrespecting me the time we met. But it was sweet how she stuck up for you. Such a sweet love.” My teeth chatter. He just goes on and on. I do my best to let it go in one ear and out the other. I don’t have to take his bullying. I turn to walk away and hear his laughter follow me. “Go ahead; run, like you always do.” He laughs some more and I come to a halt, unable to ignore him anymore.
“Fuck you; you’re the biggest asshole around. You’re a poor excuse for a human being and I hope you know what it’s like to suffer. One day, karma is going to fuck you and I’ll be there to watch and laugh. One thing’s for sure, I’m not like you and will never be like you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, you are like me. We’re the same, whether you wanna see it or not. So you can run from it, but you can’t hide.”
I turn and walk away. “I’m done here; you’re not worth my breath. You’re not worth it.” I call over my shoulder. I know I’m better than him. I at least had a soul, a heart, something he lacks.
“I didn’t want kids, your mother knew that. But she didn’t give a shit about what I wanted. She made the mistake…I just fixed mine.” I hear him, but with each step I take, I’m closer to freedom. I don’t need him inside my head anymore. He’s not worth it. I feel like crying for the boy who only wanted a father to love him. Doesn’t every kid want a father? Doesn’t every boy and girl need one? The rain had stopped, I’m not sure when. But it stopped, only leaving the chill behind. Still for May, going on June it’s nice weather, still a little breezy.
I step onto the subway and head back to Spencer’s. I clutch my phone in my hand, tightly, silently praying Maddy is doing okay. It’s stupid of me to think she could be. I left her at the worst time. I wonder if she’d gotten my letter, if she read it or if she just threw it away. I didn’t expect her to acknowledge it yet a selfish part of me hopes that she misses me as much as I miss her. One thing is for sure, I did hurt us both, and sacrifice both of our happiness.
During the ride, I observe people around me, their interactions and body language, smiling or sad faces, hand gestures, since I can’t really hear any particular conversation clearly. I study them all. A young couple my age, sit at the far end of the subway, remind me of Maddy and me, happy, in love and unable to keep their hands off each other. I try to look away so I don’t appear stalker-ish, but my eyes remain fixed on them. They’re both smiling and touching each other, laughing and kissing. A smile spreads across my face and I can’t stop it. They look sweet and happy. God, I wonder if we looked like that to everyone else. We were just happy, in each other’s company. But there’s something wonderful about having a special person in your life who can make your shitty day turn happy with just a smile or a laugh or kind words.
I watch them, their hands clasped together, their bodies only inches apart as he plants a tender kiss on her forehead the way I used to, and she looks up adoringly, the way Maddy used to look at me. I know I told her to move on and damn, I wish I hadn’t. But either way, I couldn’t expect her to wait around for something that may never happen. What does that say about me? I think she’s the only one for me, and even if there are others for me, she’s the only one I want.
I look away finally and take out my MP3 player and stick my earplugs in, closing my eyes as the music takes me to another place. Sonny Bono drones in my ears the lyrics to With or Without You, how ironic is this shit.
But I listen anyway, because even though the lyrics tell the
story of my life, I just have to hear it. One of the biggest commonality we both share is music and the love of lyrics. Being on my own much of my life, I developed an obsession to music with powerful words that heal or wound. It’s the melody as well, and my melody is a sad one.
My phone vibrates in my lap, close to my crotch and I jump. A curse flies out of my mouth as I drop my player and quickly answer it with a grunt.
“Hey Noah, where are you?”
“On the subway, back to your place.” My eyes follow the couple as they scramble out of the subway at their stop.
“Okay, do you want to go out tonight?”
“No, I’ve been out already and it’s late. Plus I’m cold and wet, in need of a shower. Oh yeah, and I ran into my father.”
Silence. And then, “I’ll have alcohol ready for your return.
It’s nearing three am, and I’m wide awake, not to mention, buzzed. Spencer had alcohol waiting for me, alright. He also had an apartment full of strangers. I’m not even sure he knew them all. I kept to myself, observing from the outside. A poker game was going on.
“Hey, you look bored.” An attractive redhead sits beside me. I barely notice her.
“I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.”
She crosses her bare legs and sets her hands in her lap. I finally turn my head in her direction. She’s pretty, I’ll give her that. Her skirt leaves little to the imagination and would probably have most guys foaming at the mouth. But I’m not most guys anymore. She’s not my type, which really, no one is type anymore, except Maddy. I know, it’s totally stupid but it’s true.
I’m surprised the cops haven’t gotten called by now, it’s loud. Especially when the guys yell during their poker game.
“Would you like another beer?” She asks, glancing at my near-empty bottle. I hold it up to my face, inspecting it, before taking my last swig. “No thanks, I’m good.” She crosses her arms and studies me, curiously. “You know, life sucks.” I start to slur my words, feeling the effects.
