by Annie Brewer
“Yeah? Why’s that?”
“Because, if you want something so bad in life, you have to give it up, otherwise it could ruin someone else’s life. Wait, I’m not making any sense. I mean-“
“I think I know what you mean. Does this have to do with a girl?”
“Doesn’t it always?” She shrugs, “I guess. I don’t get that saying, if you love someone you have to set them free. What the fuck does that even mean?”
I stand up, swaying a little. “I don’t know, but it sounds stupid. I’m going to bed, now.” I search for Spencer, bumping shoulders and spilling beers. I just don’t care. I need to sleep. He’s at the poker table, so I walk around to his side and whisper in his ear that I’m going to bed. “Can I take your bed tonight?”
“Oh yeah, sure go ahead. I’ll crash on the couch, if I even go to sleep.” I thank him and bid him goodnight and retreat to his room where I remove my shirt and shoes and pants, sleeping only in my boxers. Sinking into his comfy bed, I lie there awake, gazing at the ceiling in thought.
Tomorrow is a new day. It’s also a day in which I’ll be facing my past, a day I’ve been avoiding for too long. All I need is the strength to go through with it.
Chapter 63
Noah
“Well, I’m here now. I know it took years but better late than never, right?” Standing in front of her grave feels strange. Spencer offered to come but I finally declined, needing to be a man and face my mistakes the way I should have all along. It took every ounce of strength for me to get here. But it was time.
I kneel in front of her tombstone, tracing the letters of her name. Closing my eyes, I take a deep shuddering breath. “I’m so sorry Lex. I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I could take that night back. Why did you have to argue with me? Why did you have to drive home? I came to pick you up and you were gone. My life hasn’t been the same since. I miss you. God dammit, why did I leave you? It’s all my fault.” Tears pour down my cheeks and I choke the words out. My heart hurts, filled with regret, guilt and pain that won’t ever go away. “I loved you. You were my best friend. Don’t ever forget that. You’re still my best friend, you hear?” I look up at the sky. “How do I move on?” I sit with my knees against my chest. “Thank you for always being there for me. I’ll never forget you, ever. I fucking love you and I’m so fucking sorry. God…” I’m hunched over, holding my stomach, feeling the urge to throw up as the image of her mangled body fills my mind. I cry it all out. I cry until my eyes are puffy and stinging.
I don’t know how long I’m here or when the tears finally stopped. I sit, staring at her tombstone, numb. I feel nothing. What was supposed to happen? Did I really expect it to help with my conscience? My eyes hurt while my nose feels like a faucet that won’t stop leaking, broken. Just the way I feel. I rise to my feet, unsteadily and look at her name one last time. It’s just too hard to come here. Although, I feel a tiny bit lighter after releasing all the hurt and emotion. Whether she heard me or not, I said what I needed to. I just wish I had the courage to face her parents, knowing they hate me. I don’t blame them. I kiss two fingers and touch the top. “Goodbye Lex. You’ll be missed. Hope you found peace, wherever you are.” If only I could find it too. Will this ever get easier?
“Noah?” A voice behind freezes me. I swallow, uncertain if my mind is playing tricks on me or if it’s real. I don’t move. “Noah is that you?” No, it can’t be. I slowly turn around, standing face to face with Lex’s parents, Sandy and Rick. I glance at the flowers that are meant for their daughter’s grave and tears sting my eyes. I thought I cried them all out. How many tears do our eyes produce?
“Hi.” I say weakly. This is awkward.
“Noah, its…nice to see you.” Sandy is trying to hold back her own tears. Tears of anger or sorrow, I don’t know. But the tears are there because of me.
“I was just leaving.” My feet pick up as I dash away from Lex, the cemetery, and her parents. Shame.
I get in the car but don’t start it. I sit with my head on the steering wheel. That was my chance to talk to them, to tell them how much I regret that night, how sorry I am for taking their daughter from them. But I just walked away, ran away to be precise. Just like a coward. It’s what I do. I run when life gets rough. Just like I ran away from Maddy. Fuck! I yell and beat on the steering wheel.
After taking a long, deep breath, I decide right then and there to get out of the car and face them, face my mistake like a man. I can’t move on until I do. I owe it to them. To Lex and to myself. I let out another breath and look to the left, at the gravesite, they’re still there, standing in front of their daughter’s headstone. I open the door, quietly closing it, which makes no sense given the fact that they’re across the street and can’t hear from this far.
I shove my hands deep into my pockets, my nerves pitter patter in every direction, making it difficult to breathe. I approach them quietly, playing in my head what I might say to them. When they turn, they see me. “Noah.” Sandy says, startled.
“Listen, I just came back to tell you…to say. I have a lot to say, before you unleash your wrath on me, which I fully deserve. I just need to get it all out.” They look at each other, confused so I go on. “You’ll never know how sorry I am for what happened to Lex. I loved your daughter so much. She meant more to me than my life. I would never intentionally hurt her. I’m so damn, so so sorry. I…I can’t say it enough. I wish I could take that night back. God, I want her back.” I fall to my knees and bury my face in my hands. I sob, years of regret that I’d never let out, never let free. I feel a set of arms envelope me in warmth and I unintentionally lean into them, uncertain why I’m the one being comforted.
“Oh Noah, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how responsible you felt.” I look at her in disbelief.
“Of course I feel responsible. It was my fault. We went to a party, got into an argument, I left her and then when I came back, she was gone. I got there too late and when I found her…” I choke back another sob. “It was too late. She’d been drinking and lost control of the car and ended in a ditch. I’ve lived everyday with this regret, this guilt and it’s driven me mad. I couldn’t save her. I failed her. It’s my fault.”
“Please don’t blame yourself.” I look up into her tear-filled eyes. She must notice the shock that registers, she goes on to clarify. “I was told by an old friend that was at the party that she’d left. She told Lex to call you and get a ride but Lex didn’t listen. Apparently she had a fight with someone and was so mad, she wanted to leave. I don’t know the whole story, but I know you weren’t to blame.” Registering her words, it still came back to me leaving her. If I’d been there, she would have gone home with me.
“If I’d stayed there, she wouldn’t have gone off on her own. Or at least I would’ve taken her keys from her so she couldn’t drive. So either way, I’m still to blame.”
“You know how stubborn she was.” I can’t imagine how she could be so calm about this.
“I’m so sorry. I should’ve stuck around. You don’t know what that night has done to me all these years.” As soon as the words are out, I regret them. Of course she knows, she was affected too. She stands up and offers her hand to me; I hesitate before taking it, letting her pull me up. “Come over and have some lunch. We can talk.” I look over at Rick who is quieter than normal. I can sense his uncertainty, feel his anger radiating off his body. He’s never liked me. I don’t blame him for feeling disdain towards me.
I run my hands through my hair, completely taken aback by the offer. Do I want to go back to their house? It’ll only remind me that she’s really gone. How can I stand to be there when everything reminds me of her? As much as I want to back out, I can’t say no. I meet her hopeful gaze and muster a smile. “Okay. I’ll meet you there. I guess.”
My head is clouded as I drive less than five miles to a house in which is filled with more memories than my own. I have to be strong. I can’t imagine what her parents went through right after the accident.
I can do this, for Lex.
Entering a house I somewhat grew up in is difficult but I swallow my anger and guilt. I can’t imagine how her parents got along in this house, without her. I can almost hear the laughter as I walk through the door once Sandy holds it open. The pleasant sound that always brightened up my shitty days. “Would you like some pizza?”
I freeze, surprised and overwhelmed by her kindness. I don’t deserve it. Why is she being so nice to me? Why can’t she yell at me and call me every curse word in the dictionary, like I’d been expecting. “Why are you being so nice? I don’t deserve this Sandy. I don’t deserve pizza. I don’t deserve your kindness or your forgiveness.”
She holds up her hand, “Stop it; I’ve already told you, it’s not your fault. You may feel responsible, but I’m not holding it against you, Noah. I’m just trying to be nice. It happened and we can’t take that night back. Holding grudges won’t bring her back, hating each other won’t either. You can accept some pizza or not. It’s your choice. I’m past the hating the world part. I’ve been there and it did nothing for me except almost end my marriage.”
“Sure, that’d be great.” I interrupt, trying to appease her. I look around the living room at their piano next to the window. They’ve had it for years. I used to play on it. It’s now decorated with family photos and…her graduation photo. I almost collapse to my knees, remembering taking our pictures that day.
Jesus, this is fucking hard. I shouldn’t be here.
I pick up a picture of her and me standing in front of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. It was freezing and snowing and we were bundled up. I run my finger over the frame and close my eyes.
“That was one of her favorite pictures of you two.” I nod solemnly.
“Mine too.” I reply, hoarse voice.
“You can have it, Noah.” I meet her gaze, unable to form words. “It’s okay. We have a lot of pictures. Take it.” I hold the frame to my chest and nod in thanks.
“Come to the kitchen. Let’s talk.” I don’t move at first. Too many images replay in my head at once. “Noah, do you drink coffee or tea?” I look up, the images disappear and it’s just Sandy and me.
“Coffee, please.” This is not how I pictured our reunion. I guess over 7 years can really change a person.
“Sit. Pizza will be here soon.” I obey. Sandy bustles around the kitchen. I feel guilty for her waiting on me.
“You don’t have to slave around for me, Sandy.” She sits down across from me.
“Noah, it’s been, what 6, 7 years? Yes, the pain never goes away. Yes I’m reminded of what I lost every day. But there’s nothing I can do. She’s gone and she wouldn’t want me to mourn for her the rest of my life.” She pats my hand before returning to the fully made coffee pot. “Do you take sugar and milk?”
“Yes.” I try to process her words. “She wouldn’t want me to mourn for her the rest of my life”. How did you handle everything?”
“What do you mean?” She scoops sugar into the cup and pours milk in. I watch her, unsure if she’s put the right amount of each. It’s a selfish thought but my mind is going in so many directions, I can’t keep up.
“I mean, did you go crazy?”
“Noah, I’d just lost my daughter and we weren’t even in town. I felt so much guilt. I didn’t get to see her graduate and never even got to say goodbye. Of course, I went crazy. I had to take medication because for the first three years, I cried nonstop, I had nightmares and was consumed with regret.” She brings our cups to the table. I hold it between my hands, welcoming the burning sensation. I sniff the delightful contents as the steam rises and fills my nostrils.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know. I am too. But stop blaming yourself. These kind of things happen. It’s unfortunate.”
“She wasn’t supposed to die so young.” I take a small sip, letting the liquid trail down my throat smoothly, albeit scorching hot.
“No, she wasn’t. But life doesn’t always go as planned.” She blows into her cup, her face shows sadness, and her eyes are empty with years of pain and loss. “Tell me something,” I look away, afraid of where this conversation is going. “What have you done with your life?”
“I moved to Colorado last summer. I couldn’t be here anymore, near my parents. Well, more like my dad.”
“They never changed, huh?”
“My dad, no. He’s still the same old selfish jackhole. My mom, though, has gotten help. She’s trying to be a better person, a better mother. We’re trying to fix our relationship. It’ll take time. But I think it’s a start. I really hope she doesn’t relapse.”
“And what about you, Noah?”
I meet her warm brown eyes, “What about me?”
She straightens, moving her cup aside. “What have you been up to? Working? School? Married or dating anyone?”
My heart falters. I’ve tried to keep thoughts of Maddy out of my head. “I moved close to my aunt and cousin, taken a year off work and hoping to finish school for a teaching degree and just recently ended my relationship.” But I still want a future with Maddy, I just doubt that’ll ever happen.
Her chair squeaks when she moves back, stretching out, placing her hands on the table. “You never met anyone, Noah? All this time and you’re not married? I find that hard to believe.” I let out a long breath and look away.
“I did meet someone, the perfect someone. I fell in love, we just…I just couldn’t.”
“Why?” I want to talk about something else now.
“I left her. I broke her heart.” She shifts in her seat; lines crinkle her forehead, with sympathy maybe.
“Why Noah? What happened?” My coffee suddenly tastes bitter. I stare down into my cup as I speak.
“I’m not good enough for her. I don’t know how to be the man she needs me to be. It was all about sex for me when it came to girls. But,” I take a breath, disbelieving we’re having this conversation. She’s like a stranger to me, in a way. I look up, seeing so much of her daughter in her face, it kills me. “But it’s different with her. She’s the only one I cared to know inside and out. She turned my useless world upside down.”
Sandy gets up to refill her cup. My coffee is now cold but I’m not in the mood for it anymore. “Okay, it’s been some years. I know we haven’t talked but did this have anything to do with why you left her?” She’s partially right. How can I drag Maddy into my life if I can’t accept or heal from my past? Not to mention, I’m afraid of turning out like my father and leave her anyway. “I want to show you something. I’ll be right back.” She leaves the kitchen. I glance at my phone, wondering if Maddy is thinking about me. I hate that I hurt her. I promised her I would never leave her. I even promised Andi. And I failed them both. I’m such an asshole.
Chapter 64
Maddy
Things have been so screwed up. I can’t concentrate at work. Amanda gave me Saturday shifts to keep me busy but it’s not helping. Andi and I are constantly fighting more. I know I’m moping but I can’t help it. I miss Noah so damn bad. I can’t sleep and when I do, I dream about him. He’s in my constant thoughts; it’s really taking a toll on me. I got a letter from him. I cried. I know he loves me but he proceeds to tell me I deserve better. I don’t want better! Why can’t he see that? He’s scared, I get that, I really do. I’m scared too. I’ve never been in love before and it’s scary. But at the same time, there’s not better in the world.
“Maddy, can I talk to you for a minute?” Amanda steps into the lobby and my stomach plummets. Shit, I’m probably getting fired. I nod and numbly follow her into her office. “Have a seat.”
I stiffly sit down across from her, placing my hands in my lap. We sit quietly. She folds her hands in front of her on her desk. Her lips are pursed together as if she’s trying to find the words that I’m probably dreading to hear.
“Maddy,” she breaks the silence and I meet her gaze, noticing pity in her eyes. I don’t need her pity. I’m not an invalid, for goodness s
akes. There’s a line creasing her forehead of concern. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t know, you brought me in here, you tell me.” I sneer.
“Maddy, you know you can tell me anything. I don’t judge. I want to help.” I don’t say anything, just bounce my right leg over my left knee and stare off in a daze. I hate being so cold to Amanda. She did nothing wrong. She’s been so understanding and gracious through everything. It’s not her fault my heart is broken and I suck at dealing with it like a mature adult. And this is why I never bothered with love or why I was afraid to. It can be a wonderful feeling, so beautiful and real.
It can also hurt like hell, like a part of you is bleeding dry. It’s no wonder my father lost himself when my mother died. It’s painful.
“I’ve gotta be honest, Maddy. You look like hell. As your friend, I’m worried about you. What happened with Noah?”
“He left. End of story.” I know there’s more to it than that but I’m too bitter to elaborate. She shifts in her chair, reclining the back. “Look, I’m not going to lie, your performance is lacking. You’re always spaced out. This isn’t you.” I clench my teeth, frustrated with myself for being a horrible employee, especially when these animals need me. “I don’t want to lose you, but I want you to take some time off. Get your life back on track. We need you here, but this version of you isn’t working.”
“So, in other words, you’re firing me, right?”
“No, I’m not. But I need you here, all of you. When you get everything straightened out, I’d love for you to come back. If you want.”
I jump up, ready to leave. “Well.”
“I’m not firing you. Finish your shift and then take off as long as you need. Your job will still be here, waiting for you.” She grabs me in a hug before I can leave. I lay my head on her shoulder, tears fall of relief and shame. “Maddy, I care about you. I just want to see you happy.” I can’t find my voice; my emotions are clogged in my throat. I try to shove them down.
