by Erin Osborne
Chapter Two
Harley
STEEL GAVE IN AND TOOK ME TO look at the three apartments the other day. Let me tell you that they were the worst places I’ve ever seen in my entire life and that’s saying something after living with Alan. He, of course, found fault with every single one of them and made sure to let me know loud enough for the managers to hear him. The first place had broken everything, even though the ad said that the place had just been updated with new everything. There were holes in the walls and floors. Most of the cabinets in the kitchen were missing doors. And the bathroom looked like a slaughter had recently taken place there and no one cleaned it up.
We got to the second place and the doors were paper thin and a child could kick them down. It said there was one bedroom, a bathroom, kitchen, and backyard. The apartment was a studio with no room for storage or anything. When it came to the bathroom, there was a curtain surrounding a toilet barely bigger than a training potty and a tub that was small enough to bathe a toddler in. The backyard was a cement pad with no grass in sight. So much for my little slice of heaven while I’m on earth.
Finally, the last place I had called about. When we first got there, I had hope that it would be the place for me. It was spacious and had an open floor plan. There was storage all over the place, a few little hiding spots in case Alan found me, and I almost fell in love with the place. Steel, again, was the one that pointed out the bugs. Every single kind of bug imaginable was found in the nooks and crannies around the entire building and apartment I was in. I still shudder when I think about seeing them all. No thank you!
I’ve been scouring the apartment listings with no luck in finding anything suitable for myself. If I’m honest, I want to continue saving money until I can afford to buy a house. That way I can do whatever I want to whenever something pops in my head. It’s the first time since my parents were killed that I’ve let myself want something for me. I don’t want it because it’s what Alan wants me to do or what anyone else wants me to do. Buying a house is something that I want to do. I know I’ve got a good amount saved up, but I don’t have the credit to get a loan. So, it looks like I have to figure something out so that I can get away from Steel, stay away from my brother, and keep my job with Addison at the Kitty Kat to continue putting money up.
“Still lookin’ for a place?” Steel asks, walking in from the garage where he was working on something based on the grease covering his shirt and hands.
“Yep,” I respond, popping the p as I answer him.
“I don’t get why you think you need to leave here. What’s so wrong with bein’ here?” he asks, washing his hands in the sink with some sort of goop he pulled from underneath in the cupboard with the rest of the cleaners.
“There’s things you don’t know and I’m not going to get into right now. I don’t ever want to get into it, but I know that Gage is going to make me say things that I wish were left out of it. He needs to know it all to protect the girls and I get it. You’ve all stepped up to protect the old ladies and I’m sure that the girls at the Kitty Kat are the same,” I tell him, grabbing the ingredients I need to make dinner for us after putting my laptop on the table and closing it.
“Why won’t you just open up and let me in? Let anyone in? At this point, I don’t even care if you talk to me or not. You can’t continue to hold everythin’ in because you think you know how everyone is goin’ to react or feel about what you’ve been through,” he asks, letting me know once again that he wants to be the person to carry my burdens for me.
“You’ll never understand Steel. How much have you truly let me in?” I ask, turning the tables on him to let him know how it feels to be in the hot seat.
Instead of answering me, he turns on his heels and heads out of the kitchen. And there’s my answer that there’s things that Steel’s keeping from me. I’m not sure what it is or what it entails, but it just goes to show that he’s holding himself back from me when he’s giving me shit about holding back from me at the same time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this shit or how I’m supposed to deal with that line of thinking. Yeah, I guess I’d like for him to confide in me, but I can’t expect that he will when I’m holding so much back from him. It’s a catch twenty-two and I can’t help him when he’s trying to help me. I know that if I wanted to come out and let him in, he’d sit down and listen to me until I couldn’t say another word. The same that I’d do for him.
This is why I can’t stay with him. I need to get away because every single day he seems to get more and more under my skin. I don’t want to carry this burden alone anymore, I’ve been carrying this guilt, shame, and pain for over ten years now. No one has been there for me to open up to because I’d never bring anyone around Alan. Plus, I have learned that whenever I do let someone in, my family and friends when I was younger, they always leave when things get too hard. Or are taken away from me way too soon. I don’t get to bring my parents back and I don’t get to bring the old Alan back. The one that would protect me and shield me from everything bad in the world including the drugs that he’s now immersed himself in.
Now, I’m going to make a trip to the gym and get a workout in. I can’t seem to get anything worked out unless I’m pounding the shit out of something. It may be my second trip there today, but if it’s what works for me, then there’s nothing I can do about that. So, I gather my bag out of the closet after putting the food away without cooking and make my way out to the car. It doesn’t take very long to get to the gym from Steel’s place and I don’t really pay attention to my surroundings as I park in the back lot and get out of the car. Before I make it two steps from my closed door, I’m pushed back against the car. My back slams against a spot of rust and I can feel it tear into my shirt and back as I look up into my brother’s glossy and blood shot eyes. He’s definitely been on a bender and hasn’t come down yet if his appearance is anything to go by.
Alan smells like he hasn’t showered in weeks and his hair is greasy as the long stringy strands grow out the longest I’ve ever seen them in my life. His clothes are rumpled and dirty, stained with things I don’t even want to think about. It appears that he’s lost even more weight and the skin just seems to hang off of his body with nothing to hold it to him. The worst part is when he gets in my face and I can smell his rank breath washing over my face. I want to throw up from the smells emanating from him, but I hold it back and try not to breathe very deep.
“What do you want, Alan?” I ask, letting the annoyance and impatience flare with my voice. I’m done hiding from him.
“I want what I’ve always wanted, to take care of my little sister,” he says, flashing a smile to let me know how sarcastic he’s being right now. “What I want is for you to bring your slutty ass back home and do what’s been working for us since mom and dad were run off the fucking road.”
Red flags immediately spring up as he says that our parents were run off the road. The cops never said that, and I don’t know how he would know that, unless… “You ran them off the road that night! That’s how you got to the house so quickly,” I gasp, tears springing to my eyes and my throat closing up at the knowledge that he either personally killed our parents or had someone do it for him.
My brother’s response is nothing more than a sinister smile. “That’s the only way I knew I’d have control over you. There was an insurance policy and it came in handy to get my dealing business off the ground. Too bad my habit became too much. That’s the only reason I’ve kept you around this long. Now, you’re going to come back where you belong and continue giving me the money I need. The place needs a good cleaning too,” he says, waiting to see what my next move is going to be. “I’m tired of waiting. So, from now on, I’m going to hurt someone close to you every new day you’re gone.”
“I’m not doing shit for you!” I holler out, hoping that someone will hear me and come see what’s going on. I know some of the guys come to the gym when they want a change of scenery. “You can crawl back
in whatever hole you climbed out of and find someone else to do your bidding. Besides, I don’t have anyone close to me. They all left when my supposed brother came back into my life.”
Just as Alan goes to respond, a guy comes out of the gym to get in his car. Knowing that there’s a witness, my brother gives me a warning look and turns to take off. I honestly wish I could say that this is going to be the last time that I see him or have to hear his threats, but I know its just wishful thinking on my part. I can’t seem to get away from him no matter what I do. Alan will find me one way or another. This moment is when I know that I have to leave Dander Falls. I’ll give Gage the information that he needs, but then I’m out of here. I can’t stand by and watch everyone that surrounds me get hurt because my brother is throwing a temper tantrum in his attempt to get me back in his clutches.
Walking into the gym, I see Gage and a few of the guys from the club. I ignore them as I make my way into the locker room to change and get ready to sweat my frustrations out. This could lead to me having the necessary conversation much sooner than I’d like, but if it happens today, then that means I can disappear and be forgotten sooner rather than later. Am I taking the cowards way out of dealing with this situation? Yeah, but it’s what I’ve learned to do and how I’m conditioned.
As I make way over to the heavy bag, I see Gage sitting back and watching a few of his men sparring. Again, I ignore them all and concentrate on taping my hands while I walk over to stretch out before punching and kicking out my frustration. This is one of the few areas of my life I’ve been able to control, and I relish the fact that it’s all mine. No one can tell me how to do this or when. I can come to the gym multiple times a day if I choose to. I’m surprised that Steel hasn’t tried to get me to stop doing this type of shit, so he can ‘protect’ me. He hasn’t though, and I wouldn’t listen to him if he did. Alan wants too much from me to kill me. Hurting me is one thing and I’m used to his brand of punishment. Killing isn’t an option for him right now. Too much heat on him and no one to bankroll his habit.
Once I’m done warming up, I begin to beat out my frustration and hurt. The anger at the knowledge that my brother killed our parents and probably would’ve laughed in my face about it if he had the time kills me. Thoughts of the life we could’ve had filter through my brain as I wear myself out. Growing up, we might not have had much, but we had the love of our parents and everything that we needed. My dad worked himself almost to death to make sure we had a roof over our heads, food, the bills were paid, and that Alan and I had new clothes and what we needed for school. I didn’t care about the labels on our clothes or that we didn’t get to go out much, even at fifteen that shit didn’t bother me. Alan must have felt differently about it.
Before I can get even a quarter of the rage I’m feeling out, Gage comes up and stops me. He’s staring at me with concern evident in his facial features. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on, but if you’re standin’ at the bag, punchin’ your feelin’ out with tears runnin’ down your face, I don’t think you need to be here. What’s goin’ on Harley?” he asks, pulling me away from everyone and wrapping his arms around me as he leads me to one of the benches placed along the gym.
“I’m going to tell you a story,” I finally say, not looking him in the face as I begin to tell him about my life leading up to what Alan’s been doing. “Growing up, my brother and I didn’t have much. We had loving parents and a roof over our head. Our mom was home every day when we walked in from school with baked goods or some sort of snack. She would help us with homework or just sit and relax with us while we did it on our own. I didn’t think we needed much more than that. Alan, my brother obviously had other ideas. He started becoming aloof and distanced himself from everyone the older he got. When he was home, there were horrible fights between him and our mom and dad. I didn’t know what led him to travel down that road back then, but I do now,” I pause taking a breath while continuing to stare down at the worn mats covering the floor. “Anyway, my parents went out to celebrate one night shortly before my sixteenth birthday. They never came home. The cops came to tell me that they were in an accident and killed, only they weren’t supposed to because I was a minor. A few minutes later my brother came staggering through the door wanting to know why the cops were there. Turns out he knew all along because he just basically told me that he had them ran off the road. My own brother killed our parents because of their insurance policy and the money he’d make from becoming my guardian.
“Ever since then, Alan has done nothing but use me and abuse me. Oh, he made everything look good when the time for a visit from Child services was coming up. I was made to clean the entire trailer and make sure that no evidence of his addictions were in view. As I got older and could start working, Alan made sure that all of my money went to him. He told everyone it was for the bills and keeping me with him so that he could get me what I needed. Instead it was to make sure that he had money lining his pockets, so he could snort it, shoot it, or smoke it. I was just a means to an end. He thought he was going to become a big-time dealer, but when you use all your product up, you can’t make any money selling it. I’m surprised that he didn’t put me out on the corner honestly. He’s done everything but that.”
“Why run now?” Gage asks, not making me look at him or push me to talk when I don’t necessarily want to.
“Alan’s getting worse. He takes all the money I earn at the Kitty Kat. If I don’t give him money, I get a beating. Knowing that I’m a stripper, he tries not to leave marks on me, but there’s been times that he has. The times that he leaves marks, which is getting more and more frequent, it’s like he loses his mind and doesn’t even exist as a man anymore. I can’t describe what happens, but he doesn’t have his right mind anymore. It’s when I make my set short and stay away from the customers. I hate the loss in tips, but I can’t see letting anyone know that I’ve had my ass handed to me. Even with make-up the marks still don’t get covered completely. He’s demanding that I come back home and continue to clean the apartment up and make sure that he gets more money. If I don’t, I don’t know what he’s going to do. He has threatened to start making appearances at the club and I don’t want to see the girls hurt. That’s why Steel told you that you needed to talk to me. He won’t stop until I’m back with him, taking my money, using me to clean the apartment, and then doing whatever he has to in order to ensure that the money keeps flowing from my hand to his. I can’t go back to that Gage. I won’t,” I tell him emphatically, finally looking him in the eyes. Even though I don’t look too closely at the look he’s giving me. Right now, I’d break completely seeing the shame and pity in his eyes. “He was here when I walked in and that’s when I learned about him being involved in my parent’s death. He basically threatened me about coming back to live with him.”
“What’s Steel sayin’?” he asks, letting me know that he knows there’s something going on between the two of us. Looking at him, I can see the barely contained rage he’s feeling knowing that Alan was here while they were all in here. He was able to get close to me and they were mere feet away.
“I don’t know. He keeps telling me to stay with him and let him deal with my brother and his threats,” I answer, knowing that it’s in Steel’s nature to protect those that he cares about. I’m not in that category though. I’m just the stripper he’s fucking.
“Steel is very protective of those he lets in his life, and he’s very selective. I imagine he’s tryin’ to make sure that you feel his home is your home,” Gage says, following my train of thought.
“I don’t have a home. I haven’t since the night Alan decided to take my parents from me. They aren’t his parents, I’m not sure they ever were. So, no, I don’t have a home anymore,” I tell him, standing up to make my way to Steel’s apartment. “Do what you have to with the information. I’ll get out of your hair and let you have the gym to yourselves again. And I’m not saying another word about this. No, you don’t know half the terror I’ve bee
n through either.”
I can hear Gage calling out to me, but it’s easy to keep walking into the locker room to grab my bag. I’m not going to bother wasting time with changing because I really don’t put it past him to follow me in here to say what he wants to say. In reality, I’m not one of his men and I don’t have to listen to him. I got out a little bit more than what Steel knows now and it’s up to them to do what they have to in order to protect the girls at the Kitty Kat. Hopefully Steel isn’t there when I get back is the thought I have as I walk out to my car.
I don’t go right back to Steel’s though. Instead, I go for a drive to try to clear my head and forget about Alan’s visit and what it means with the knowledge I gained. It’s become abundantly evident that he’s not going to give up on me coming back. There’s nothing I can do anymore about things until I decide to leave for good. I’ll miss Addison and the girls at the club. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll miss Steel the most, but I can’t stay here. Not anymore. They’re all starting to find a way to breach the armor I thought was around my heart. This isn’t good at all.
As soon as I pull into the parking lot, the first thing I notice is the cars that don’t belong here. I’ve gotten vigilant about noticing who belongs here and who doesn’t. There’s two SUVs here that I’ve never seen before. They kind of look like something the club would have when they can’t ride their bikes, but I can’t be sure. Not tonight anyway. I grab my stuff and make sure to have my keys held so that I can use them as a weapon if it comes down to it. I’ve never been a paranoid person until my brother re-entered my life and the need for such behavior became a necessity.
