Our Secrets and Lies

by Sinéad Moriarty

  He turned back to the babies. He made a silent oath that he would protect them until his dying day. He’d dragged himself out of the inner city but most of his friends had ended up in prison or worse. Billy knew what fighting was. He knew what hard work was. He knew how lucky he was to have got out of there and met a wonderful woman and had two beautiful girls.

  He’d help Lucy to get back on her feet and finish her degree. He’d make damn sure she had the life she deserved. No stuck-up judge and his lowlife son were going to ruin it. No way, not on Billy’s watch. And if that Tom fella ever darkened Lucy’s door, Billy would break his scrawny, spineless neck. A man should stand up to his responsibilities, not run away, like a scared little kid. Everyone made mistakes, but you put up your hand and held yourself accountable. For all his posh background, the fella was a disgrace. As for his bully of a father, what kind of scumbag threatens a young pregnant girl? Billy doubted it was very judge-like behaviour.

  Then again, Billy had grown up seeing people in authority behaving badly, from teachers to priests to policemen to judges. He knew fine well that no ‘title’ made you a decent person. No amount of letters after your name meant you were respectable. Actions were what mattered: how you behaved was the measure of the man you were, and by that standard Gabriel and Tom were at the very bottom of the barrel.

  Billy watched as the baby boy’s legs kicked the air. A little footballer maybe, he thought, and grinned at the idea. It was going to be fun having a grandson. He’d be able to kick a ball around with him and teach him boy things. Billy loved his girls, but it would be great to have a boy in the house.

  Jenny came in carrying paper cups of coffee. ‘This hospital is a dump. They don’t even do cappuccinos. Can you believe it? And there are no cute doctors. They’re all a zillion years old or women.’

  Tina rolled her eyes. ‘It’s a hospital, Jenny, not a coffee shop or a disco.’

  ‘I thought every hospital would have one Dr Ross, but none of them even looks like George Clooney’s granddad.’

  ‘You need to remember that ER is a TV show. Real doctors are normal-looking, not movie stars,’ Tina said.

  Billy took his coffee and moved away from their chatter towards Lucy. He drank some, welcoming the caffeine hit. He noticed Lucy stir. ‘Hello, pet, how are you feeling?’ he asked.

  ‘Sore.’ Lucy winced as she tried to sit up in the bed. Tina rushed over to help her.

  ‘Did you have to get stitches? Will you have to sit on one of those doughnut cushions and wee in the bath for weeks?’ Jenny asked.

  ‘For the love of God.’ Billy covered his ears.

  ‘Stop that,’ Tina snapped. ‘Lucy had no stitches. She was wonderful.’

  ‘That’s good because Lorraine told me her aunt had to get loads of stitches and she was never the same down there again. Apparently it’s just a big wide gap and she wees when she walks.’

  ‘Jenny!’ Tina glared at her. ‘Enough.’

  ‘I’m just saying Lucy’s lucky.’

  ‘Is it safe to listen?’ Billy asked, taking his hands down. ‘No more lady talk while I’m in the room, please. Thank God I’ll have another fella in the house now.’

  ‘Have you decided on names?’ Jenny asked.

  Lucy nodded. ‘Yes, Dylan and Kelly.’

  ‘Ooooh,’ Tina and Billy said.

  ‘You’re such a lick-arse,’ Jenny said.

  ‘I think it’s lovely that you named your son after my dad and your daughter after your mum’s mum.’ Billy ignored Jenny.

  ‘I’m really touched,’ Tina said. ‘My mum was a lovely woman. She died far too young, and now this new Kelly will remind me of her.’ She leant down to kiss Lucy.

  ‘You should have called them Doug and Carol,’ Jenny said.

  Lucy sighed. ‘I am not naming my kids after characters in ER.’

  ‘But Doug is so hot!’

  ‘What in God’s name is she talking about?’ Billy asked.

  ‘Some television show,’ Tina explained.

  ‘Mum pretends she doesn’t watch it, but she does.’

  Tina laughed. ‘Well, George Clooney does look very handsome in scrubs.’

  Kelly began to cry, sounding like a kitten mewing. Tina picked her up and cuddled her. As Billy watched his wife, memories flooded back of her as a young mother, holding Lucy just after she was born. He wanted to weep. This was life, the circle of life. His lovely wife was holding her granddaughter. Billy’s heart felt as if it would burst with love, for his wife, his daughters and now his two tiny grandchildren. To hell with Tom, these babies would grow up surrounded by love and that was all any child needed.

  Now Dylan was crying too. Billy picked him up. ‘Here, Dad.’ Lucy held her hands out.

  Billy placed her son gently in her arms. Lucy held him to her and put her cheek against his. He quietened immediately. Lucy closed her eyes.

  ‘You’re a natural,’ Tina said.

  Lucy opened her eyes and smiled, a proper smile, a real one. Billy realized it was the first time he’d seen her happy in months. He’d remember this moment.

  ‘So, this is all great and I’m thrilled for you, sis, but I’m starving. Can we go for food?’ Jenny asked.

  A midwife bustled in. ‘Hello, everyone, congratulations. I’m just signing on for the evening. I’m Barbara, I’ll be looking after you tonight. Now, how are the little dotes? How’s Mum?’

  ‘I’m tired but fine.’

  ‘Sure, of course you’re tired. I’m here to help. Now, folks, I need to run through a few things with Lucy and the dad. Is he here?’

  ‘No,’ Lucy said, her voice strong and clear. ‘There is no dad. It’s just me.’

  Barbara didn’t bat an eyelid. ‘Well, let’s get these little ones changed and I’ll help you feed them.’

  ‘See? Lucy’s fine. She’s got Barbara here so can we please go? We’ve been here for eight hours and I need proper food,’ Jenny moaned.

  Lucy looked up. ‘Go on, Mum, honestly. Barbara will help me.’

  ‘Absolutely. Sure that’s what I’m here for,’ Barbara chirped. ‘Off you go and get some dinner. We’ll see you in the morning. She’s in good hands, don’t worry a bit.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Tina asked Lucy.

  ‘Yes, Mum, honestly.’

  Billy, Tina and Jenny hugged her, then one by one left the room. Tina asked one last time, ‘Hundred per cent sure?’

  Lucy smiled. ‘Yes, go.’

  Barbara showed Lucy how to change nappies, feed the babies and burp them. She said she’d show her how to bathe them the next day. Then she held Kelly and Lucy held Dylan and they fed them their bottles. Dylan gulped his down, burped and fell asleep.

  ‘He’s a real man,’ Barbara said, laughing.

  Kelly took a while to settle, and Lucy was glad Barbara was looking after her.

  The midwife tucked them all in and told Lucy to press the call button if she needed any help or painkillers during the night. Lucy thought she might be in love with Barbara, she was so nice.

  When the midwife left the room, Lucy gingerly swung her legs to the side of the bed and leant over the plastic bassinet where her two little angels were snuggled up side by side.

  ‘Dylan and Kelly, I promise you that I will be the best mum I can be. I will love you so much that you won’t even miss having a dad. I will protect you and mind you and give you the best life possible. I will do whatever I can to make up for your shitty dad running away. I’m young and I’m scared, but I’m smart and I’m strong, and I won’t let you down and I will never, ever leave you. I’ll make sure you don’t make the mistakes I did. You’re going to be successful and brilliant. I’m going to show Gabriel and Tom that I can be a great mother. You two are my world now. It’s the three of us, for ever.’

  12

  Sarah held out her hand. Lucy gasped and pulled it up to her face. The ring was small but pretty. ‘Oh, my God, it’s beautiful! When did he propose?’

  ‘A while ago,’ Sarah admitted, �
�but we wanted to wait and … well … we’re going to get married in a month and I want you to be my bridesmaid.’

  Lucy slapped a smile on her face. Bridesmaid? She’d barely lost any of her baby weight. The twins were only three weeks old and they were taking up all of her time. Some days she didn’t even have time to wash. How the hell was she supposed to lose weight and fit into a bridesmaid’s dress?

  As if reading her mind Sarah said, ‘You’re the only bridesmaid, so you can wear anything you like. I won’t make you wear some mint-green dress with matching shoes and bows. Honestly, you can choose your own outfit.’

  Lucy now smiled properly. ‘God, thanks. I was a bit worried there.’

  Sarah laughed. ‘I saw your fake-smile. Look, I know it’s a bit soon after the babies, but Darren’s mad keen to get married and start a family, so I may well be pushing a buggy around soon too.’

  ‘That would be great,’ Lucy said, grabbing her hand. ‘We could help each other out.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  Lucy felt like crying. If Sarah had a baby, she wouldn’t feel like such a failure. All right, Sarah would have done it the ‘right way’, but at least Lucy would have someone to talk to of her own age with a kid. She could moan about lack of sleep and how difficult she found it to settle Kelly after every feed, and how sometimes she wanted to put her in her cot and walk away.

  She could tell Sarah how lonely she felt at night, when it was just her and the babies. Sometimes fear overwhelmed her. How was she going to cope? How could she raise them on her own? What was she going to tell them about their dad? Would she lie and say he’d died in a car crash? Would she say it was a one-night stand and she didn’t know his name? Or would she tell them the truth – that he abandoned them, ran away like a coward and wanted nothing to do with them?

  When she watched them sleeping and tried to figure out how to tell them why they had no dad, Lucy felt bereft. She didn’t want them to know hurt or rejection. It wasn’t fair. They were innocent little victims.

  All of her other friends were either in college, had gone off travelling or were working in full-time jobs and busy all the time. At least with Sarah living so close by and having Sundays and Mondays off work, Lucy got to see her a lot.

  ‘Where are you having it?’

  ‘Well, with me saving to open my own salon and Darren saving for a house, we’re pretty broke. Darren asked the football club if they’d give us the hall and they said yes. So, it’ll be just a small wedding, nothing fancy.’

  ‘It’ll be great. You’re brilliant together and I’m thrilled for you.’ Lucy hugged her. ‘What can I do to help?’

  Sarah laughed. ‘You can get some rest so you don’t fall asleep at eight o’clock. You look exhausted. Are they up all night?’

  Lucy nodded. ‘Dylan’s easy – he just eats and sleeps – but Kelly’s hard work. She takes ages to digest her milk and cries all the time. Mum thinks she might be a bit colicky. It’s hard work though at four in the morning when you’ve had no sleep and she’s crying for an hour.’

  Sarah peered at the sleeping baby. ‘She looks so sweet there.’

  ‘She’s sweet when she’s asleep! … Have you got your dress yet?’

  ‘I got a gorgeous one from a second-hand shop in town. I’ve had it taken up and changed the sleeves, but it’s really nice.’

  ‘Good for you. And how’s your mum? Is she happy for you?’

  Sarah sighed. ‘Mum’s being her usual enthusiastic self. She told me I’m too young, too impulsive, that I don’t know Darren well enough, that he’ll let me down because all men are useless bastards, the usual cheerful chat. Honestly, she’s wasted her whole life being bitter.’

  Sarah’s mother, Helen, was a sour woman. Lucy barely remembered her smiling. Everything was always wrong or awful or a disaster waiting to happen. It was amazing that Sarah had turned out to be so cheerful. Lucy reckoned that Sarah’s drive to have her own business and succeed was because she’d watched her mother waste her life. Sarah had been talking about opening a hairdressing salon since she was thirteen.

  Lucy was glad her best friend had Darren: he’d never let her down. She had chosen well, unlike Lucy and ‘Tom the Tosser’, as Jenny now called him.

  ‘I’m going to ask Jenny to do my make-up as my wedding present,’ Sarah said, ‘and I hope you’re okay with this but I was going to ask Billy to give me away. Would that be weird for you?’

  ‘Not at all. He’ll be delighted.’ Lucy turned to tuck Dylan’s blankets in. She didn’t want Sarah to see her face. She was happy for Billy to give Sarah away, but Lucy knew that he would probably never give herself away. Who’d want to take on a woman with twins? It would be hard to see him walking Sarah up the aisle, knowing he’d never do it with his elder daughter.

  But then again, Lucy had a brilliant dad and Sarah had none, so how could she be selfish about it? She gathered herself and turned back to Sarah. ‘Let’s go and tell him now. He’ll be so chuffed.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Totally.’

  Just as they were heading downstairs, Kelly began to cry. ‘You go ahead, I’ll just settle her,’ Lucy said.

  While Lucy paced her bedroom floor trying to stop her baby girl crying, she heard whoops and cheers from downstairs. Her dad’s voice carried up to her. ‘I’d be honoured, Sarah. What a lovely thing to look forward to. Thank you.’

  Lucy buried her face in her daughter’s body and cried with her. Hearing the joy in her father’s voice had cut her like a knife. She held Kelly and rocked her. She was sick of feeling useless and lost and miserable. There was something she could do about it, and she was bloody well going to do it.

  13

  Lucy’s hand shook as she rang the buzzer beside the enormous black gates. She’d insisted on doing it alone. Jenny and Sarah were waiting for her in Sarah’s car around the corner. She’d said she’d call them if she needed back-up.

  ‘Who is it?’ a familiar voice barked.

  ‘It’s Lucy Murphy. I’m here to find out where Tom is. He needs to know he has two beautiful babies.’

  ‘What? How dare you come to my home? I told you to stay away from my son. I thought I’d made myself very clear. You are not fit to go near my son, or me for that matter. Don’t ever contact us again, by any means.’

  A sense of calm came over Lucy. She looked down at the two sweet faces in the buggy. Dylan cooed at her, and Kelly was sucking her thumb.

  ‘If you don’t open this gate, I will cause the loudest scene you could possibly imagine. I don’t think you want your neighbours to see that, do you?’

  ‘You wouldn’t dare –’

  ‘Watch me, GABRIEL,’ she screamed into the speaker. ‘LET ME IN OR ELSE!’

  ‘Stop it this instant,’ he roared. The black gates groaned and slowly began to roll back.

  Taking a deep breath, Lucy pushed the double buggy through and up the driveway. Gabriel met her at the door. He looked the same, tall, broad and imposing.

  Lucy pushed past him, wheeling the buggy into the vast hall. It was cold and stark, like its owner. No soft rugs or furnishings, just cold white marble.

  ‘That’s enough, you can stop right there.’ Gabriel closed the door. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘I want you to tell me how to get in touch with my babies’ father.’

  ‘My son has nothing to do with you or these poor unfortunate children.’ He didn’t even glance down at Dylan and Kelly.

  ‘Tom needs to know,’ Lucy said, her voice quivering. ‘He needs to know that he has two beautiful children. He needs to take responsibility and stop hiding like a coward.’

  Gabriel glared at her. ‘My son is not a coward. He’s just not going to get dragged down by some gold-digging hussy. Now take your offspring and get out of my house.’

  ‘How can you do this? How can you deny your own grandchildren? Look at Kelly – she’s the spitting image of Tom. She has his eyes. He needs to know, and they need a father.’ Lucy felt a wave of e
motion overwhelm her. She gripped the handles of the double buggy and willed herself not to cry.

  Gabriel clicked his tongue impatiently. ‘Tom was happy to leave. He didn’t require much persuading – in fact, he practically ran onto the plane. What is it you really want? Money? Is that it? If I give you money, will you go away? How much to get you to crawl back under the rock you came from? Ten grand? Twenty?’ He pulled a chequebook out of his breast pocket.

  Lucy felt fury rise from within her. ‘I don’t want your filthy money. I wouldn’t accept a cent from you. All I want is for Tom to know he has two beautiful children and to decide for himself if he’d like to be involved in their lives or take the spineless, pathetic decision to pretend they don’t exist. You can keep your money.’

  ‘My son is far away, living a good, respectable life. I got him away from you and your mess. Now leave or I will throw you out. Go back to your corner shop and stay there.’

  Lucy laughed bitterly. ‘For all your success and money, you are the lowest form of human being I’ve ever met. A man who bullies his son and tried to bully a pregnant girl, a girl carrying his grandchildren, into having an abortion, then accuses her of being a slut. If I wanted to, I could go to the newspapers with this story. It’s pretty salacious, don’t you think? I could demand a paternity test and shame you and your coward of a son publicly. How do you think that would go down with your legal pals?’

  Gabriel’s face went puce. ‘How dare you threaten me? You have no idea who you’re talking to. If you cross me, I will destroy you and your father’s business. You’ll wish you’d never met me.’

  Lucy laughed. ‘I already wish I’d never met you. I also wish I’d never met your pathetic son. I was wondering how I’d explain to my children why they had no father and now I know exactly what I’m going to say. I’m going to tell them the truth. Their father was a weak man, bullied by his own father and too pathetic to stand up for himself.’

  Gabriel’s eyes were bulging and his face was twisted in anger. ‘Get out of my house, you dirty little tramp. Those children will probably end up in foster care. You clearly can’t even look after yourself. People like you shouldn’t be allowed into university, whores looking for rich boys to trap. It makes me sick. I pity your children having a mother like you. They’ll never amount to anything.’