Our Secrets and Lies

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Dylan could see his mother’s worried face under her woolly hat. He didn’t want to let anyone down. He poured water over his head in an effort to wake himself up.

  The second half was worse. The little energy Dylan had was used up. He was outrun, out-skilled and out-defended. Paul, the right winger, sent in a beautiful pass, all Dylan had to do was pop it into the goal, but he missed. He could hear the groans of the St Jude’s crowd.

  They were one–nil down with ten minutes to go. Jordan pulled Dylan off the pitch and replaced him with Alex. Dylan jogged off, head down. Jordan ignored him as he went past.

  With three minutes to go, Paul came sprinting up the wing and chipped the ball over the left back’s head. Alex deftly controlled the ball with his chest, and volleyed it towards the goal. It went in.

  The crowd cheered loudly. The team rushed over to congratulate Alex. Dylan thought he might throw up.

  ‘Brilliant, Alex, bloody brilliant,’ Jordan shouted from the sideline. ‘What a strike.’

  Dylan glanced up and saw his mother standing at the halfway line. She was clapping and had a smile fixed on her face, but he knew she was upset. She’d be worried now that Alex would take his place, that he was blowing his opportunity.

  Why had he been so stupid? Why had he got drunk and done cocaine the night before a game? Football was his life. Football was what had got him here.

  The referee blew the final whistle. It was a draw. Alex had saved them from a loss. He was beaming from ear to ear. Dylan wanted to punch him, but went over and shook his hand instead. ‘Well done, mate.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Alex’s smile was huge.

  After they’d shaken hands with the opposition, they huddled in for the usual post-game talk. Dylan, usually in the thick of it, stood slightly back. Jordan praised Peter and Alex and a few of the other players, but said nothing to Dylan. As the players walked off, he called him back.

  Dylan walked towards his coach with a heavy heart. Jordan glared at him. ‘I don’t know what the hell you were up to last night, but you’re a mess. I’ve seen players blow chances all my life. Don’t be like them. Don’t screw this up. Get your shit together and don’t you ever turn up to a game again in that state. Whatever it is, or whoever she is, it’s not worth it. You need to focus on your football. You’ve got a great opportunity here, son, so don’t be an idiot. If you ever turn up in this state for a game again, you’re off the team. Is that clear?’

  Dylan nodded, unable to speak. He’d never let a team down before. He’d always been really professional. He could feel emotion welling inside him.

  Jordan put his hand on Dylan’s shoulder. ‘You’re a good kid, Dylan, but I’ve seen good kids get sidetracked and lose everything. Stay focused. Your team and this school are depending on you, and so am I. Now go home and sort yourself out. Get rid of all distractions, come back on Monday and show me the Dylan I know, the striker, the grafter. That’s who I want to see.’

  Dylan managed to croak, ‘Yes, Coach. Sorry.’

  Jordan strode off. Dylan’s head hung low. He felt a hand on his back.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Sorry, Mum.’ Dylan’s emotions bubbled up.

  ‘Into the car.’ Lucy’s voice was firm. ‘You can fall apart in the car but not now. There are people still watching you. Head up, Dylan. Shoulders back. Don’t let them see you down.’

  When they got to the car, Dylan covered his face with his hands and wept. Lucy put the car into gear and drove quickly out of the huge black gates. Dylan wished she would shout at him. He wanted her to – he deserved to be shouted at.

  She patted his leg. ‘Calm down. It’s okay, love. Everyone has a bad day. You just need to come back blazing in the next game and prove yourself. You can do it. You need to focus, though. No more going out with the boys until eleven the night before a game. Early nights, Dylan. One bad game is all right, two won’t be. You know what you need to do, and you know how important this is.’

  He nodded. ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ he said again, and he was, he really was.

  When Dylan woke up on Monday morning, after a night spent tossing and turning, he had decided what he had to do. He was dreading it. He didn’t want to do it, but he knew he had to.

  He smelt her before he saw her. Her perfume was expensive and sexy. He felt her arms around him as she hugged him from behind.

  ‘Hey, you? Why didn’t you answer my message yesterday?’

  ‘I was just busy with the match and stuff.’

  ‘How did it go? Did you win?’ Taylor was examining a chipped nail.

  ‘Not so good. I played badly.’

  ‘Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll play well in the next one. You’re a superstar.’ She leant in and kissed his neck.

  Oh, God, this was going to be hard. Dylan pulled back from her embrace and walked her over to a bench in the corner of the school yard.

  ‘Taylor, I played really badly and it’s because I was drinking and all that. The coach went mad with me and told me he’d drop me if I don’t focus properly on football.’

  Taylor rolled her eyes. ‘For goodness’ sake, Dylan, it was one match. He’s overreacting. All coaches do that. You’re allowed to have fun. In fact, you’re supposed to have fun. Lighten up.’

  Dylan chose his words carefully. ‘I know, but it’s different for me. I can’t get dropped. If I do, they might take away my scholarship. I have to put football first.’

  He had her attention now. She was staring at him. ‘What do you mean, put football first?’

  Dylan took a deep breath. ‘I mean I can’t go out on Saturdays and Jordan said I can’t be distracted by anything or anyone.’

  Taylor’s face darkened. ‘Excuse me? Are you implying that I’m a distraction?’

  Dylan smiled. ‘You’re the biggest distraction I’ve ever had, but I just need you to know that I won’t be around much on the weekends or really during the week. I’m sorry, but I have to put football before anything.’

  Two red spots appeared on Taylor’s face. She stood up. ‘If you’re not going to be around, I guess I’ll have to find someone else to distract.’

  Dylan grabbed her arm. ‘Hey, don’t be like that. We can still hang out, just not as much.’

  Taylor yanked her arm back. ‘I have guys begging me to go out with them and you’re telling me you might be able to squeeze me in for an hour here and there between football! I don’t think so, Dylan. I thought we had something pretty great. Obviously I was wrong.’ Taylor’s eyes were wet as she stormed off.

  Dylan called after her, but she didn’t look back. What had he done?

  28

  Ollie answered the door, dressed in his usual camouflage outfit.

  ‘Hey, Ollie, is Shannon upstairs?’ Kelly asked.

  ‘Yeah, she’s locked in her bedroom. She locks it all the time in case I borrow her stuff for my experiments.’

  ‘Well, it’s probably for the best.’

  ‘She’s so mean. She never talks to me any more. She’s always out with friends or locked in her room. She used to be fun, but now she’s just narky.’

  Kelly knew how he felt. ‘She thinks you’re great.’

  ‘No, she doesn’t. She thinks I’m a head-case.’

  ‘She loves you, Ollie, just like Dylan loves me, but Dylan doesn’t talk to me much either. He’s always busy with football or out with his new friends. So I know how you feel. It’s kind of lonely, isn’t it?’

  Ollie nodded. ‘Yeah, and boring. Shannon used to play with me the odd time. Now she just roars at me to get out of her way.’

  ‘Do you have any mates from school to play with?’

  Ollie shook his head. ‘Not really. Most of the lads in school think I’m too mad to hang out with. They only want to play football or tip-the-can. It’s so boring. The parents don’t want their kids being friends with me anyway, not since I set fire to Kevin’s playroom carpet. It was an experiment that went a bit wrong, but Kevin’s mum said I was a bad influence and the other mums agre
e.’

  ‘Oh, Ollie, that’s tough. To be honest, no one in my new school wants to hang out with me either.’

  ‘Why? You’re so normal and nice.’

  Kelly smiled. ‘Thanks, but the girls there think I’m a total loser and they tell me that all the time.’

  ‘That’s so mean. I think you’re great, and so does Shannon – and Mum and Dad. Some of the boys in my class call me a retard in the yard when the teacher can’t hear.’

  ‘That’s bullying. Did you tell your teacher?’

  Ollie looked straight at her. ‘Did you?’

  ‘No, but I’m seventeen. I can handle it. You’re only ten. It’s wrong.’

  ‘My teacher says bullying is wrong at any age. Teachers can’t do much, though. They can’t make kids like you, can they?’

  ‘I suppose they can’t. Do you have any friends at school?’

  ‘I have Larry – he’s my bezzie. He’s got ADHD and loves doing fun stuff too.’

  ‘I’m really glad you have him.’

  ‘Do you have anyone in your new school?’

  ‘Not really, but I have Shannon outside and she’s great.’

  ‘I’m glad she’s nice to someone.’

  Kelly smiled and ruffled his hair. ‘I think you’re great and so does Granddad. I hear you’re visiting him in his shed now. He must really like you because no one gets into his shed.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. Only very special guests.’

  ‘Billy’s cool.’

  ‘Yeah, he is, very cool. Right, I’d better go up to Shannon. See you later, Ollie.’

  ‘See you, Kelly, and I hope you make a friend soon.’

  ‘Me too, Ollie.’

  Shannon leant into the mirror and plucked an eyebrow. ‘Ouch. God, boys are lucky they don’t have to do this. Mind you, Kevin O’Loughlin should pluck – he has a full-on monobrow. He looks like that one, the painter, Fioda Kaloo.’

  ‘Frida Kahlo,’ Kelly said, laughing.

  ‘Whatever. How are Melissa and all the witches of St Jude’s?’

  Kelly raised her thumb to bite her nail, but the big plaster stopped her. She hadn’t realized how much she was biting it until the skin had started to bleed yesterday. It was completely raw. She pulled her jumper down to hide it. ‘Same. Horrible, nasty, bitchy WhatsApp messages all day long, constantly making comments and putting me down.’

  Shannon cursed as she plucked another hair. ‘How do you stand it?’

  Kelly shrugged. ‘I don’t have a choice. I can’t let Mum and Dylan down. It’s his dream to train under Jordan. I have to stay and stick it out.’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s your life too. Does Lucy know you’re being bullied? I think you need to tell her. Seriously, Kelly, it’s not right that you have to suffer.’

  ‘No.’ Kelly’s voice was firm. ‘I don’t want her to know. The happiest I’ve ever seen her is when we got into that school. She knows I don’t exactly love it there. She took me shopping last weekend and bought me a cool parka. She said she’s really proud of me for getting such a good report. She’s had a tough time and sacrificed a lot for us so I don’t want to let her down. Anyway, it’s only four weeks to the Christmas holidays. I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve found a new place to hide at lunchtime so at least I’m left alone then. And I have Sean.’

  Shannon blasted her head with hairspray. ‘He is pretty fab. It’s so stupid that you have to lie about seeing him, though.’

  ‘Jenny tried talking to Mum, but she said the fact that Sean’s brother went to prison just freaks her out. She thinks Sean will lead me down a path to drugs and doom. It’s easier for everyone if Mum doesn’t know. Sean is the best thing in my life. He’s just …’ Kelly trailed off. She didn’t want to admit how crazy she was about him. Being with Sean was keeping her sane. Meeting him after school, even though it was only for ten minutes sometimes, was the highlight of her day. When he put his arms around her and kissed her, she felt happy and safe. He was her sanctuary from all the bullying. She was nuts about him.

  Shannon grinned. ‘Ooh, Kelly’s in love! But you need to do something about that Melissa one. If I could get my hands on her, I swear I’d kill her. You need to stand up to her more.’

  ‘I’ve tried, Shannon. I’ve told her she’s a rotten cow, but she has two best mates who literally follow her everywhere. I can’t fight them all. Besides, I’m afraid to get into trouble because it might affect the scholarship.’

  ‘Feckin’ scholarship, it’s the worst thing ever. They shouldn’t be allowed. No one should ever get a scholarship. People should be left alone to go to the school they want and hang out with normal people and have friends they grew up with and not be forced to go to some la-di-dah place full of bitches. It’s not right. We should start a campaign – Stop Scholarships Ruining Kids’ Lives.’

  Shannon applied eyeliner to her left eye. ‘I’m telling you, we could get rid of them so other kids don’t have to suffer. You could be the spokesperson for the group and go on radio and TV and tell everyone how crap scholarships are. You could send out loads of tweets and get everyone to follow you.’

  Kelly took her hair out of its ponytail and shook it out. ‘You’re mad, Shannon.’

  ‘Look at Donald Trump. He’s a thick eejit and he won the election by tweeting and getting loads of people to follow him. Sure he can’t even spell.’

  ‘You’d think he’d have someone to check his spelling.’

  ‘I heard he has people to, like, polish his shoes and taste his food in case it’s poisoned, and staff to hairspray his big boofy hair and all, so you’d think they’d get someone to check his spelling.’

  ‘Well, he can’t ask his wife to check cos her English sounds crap.’ Kelly giggled. ‘Do you think she has sex with him?’

  ‘Who?’ Shannon said. ‘Melanie or Meliana or whatever her name is?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘No way.’ Shannon was adamant.

  ‘But they have a kid.’

  ‘Yeah, but he’s, like, eleven or something and I’d say she just did it the one time. Sure Trump is only shocking-looking. Imagine that big fat tangerine yoke lying on top of you.’

  They both cracked up laughing.

  ‘He’d crush her to death. Sure she’s tiny.’

  ‘I suppose the money helps her put up with him. She’s from some mad country that no one’s heard of and now she’s married to the president of America,’ Shannon said.

  ‘I suppose, but still, could you do it? He’s so ugly.’

  ‘Whereas Shocko is only gorgeous. Did you hear he broke up with Aisling?’

  ‘No, that’s brilliant news.’

  Shannon grinned. ‘I know.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘I reckon he got bored looking at her moany face, but apparently he sent her a photo of his dick and she forwarded it to her friend Janet, and Janet, the thick cow, sent it to a WhatsApp group and it was forwarded on and now everyone’s looking at Shocko’s dick.’

  Kelly stared at her. ‘That’s terrible. Poor Shocko. Did he go mad?’

  ‘Poor Shocko? What type of an idiot photographs his dick and sends it? It’s a good thing he’s so great-looking cos he’s clearly thick. Anyway, he did go mad when he found out and he dumped her. Apparently he got all the dorky stuff she gave him, like cards and a big cuddly bear and earphones, and burnt them all in his front garden.’

  ‘God, I feel a bit sorry for her. She sent it to one friend – I’m sure she didn’t mean for it to go viral.’

  Shannon waved a mascara wand at Kelly. ‘She deserved it. She’s as dumb as he is. Everyone knows if you send a photo to one person it’s going to get passed on. Apparently she’s devastated and begged him to forgive her and get back with her, but he’s having none of it, which is very good news for me.’

  ‘Do you really want to go out with someone who sends you photos of his willy?’

  Shannon grinned. ‘Well, at least I’ll know what to expect when we get together – do yo
u want to see it?’

  ‘No, gross.’ Kelly turned away.

  ‘It’s big.’ Shannon held up her phone and waved at her, laughing.

  ‘Stop! I don’t want to see it,’ Kelly shrieked.

  ‘So what about you and Sean? Have you talked about sex?’

  Kelly nodded. ‘Yes, he really wants to, but every time I think about it, I hear my mother’s voice warning me about pregnancy and all that.’

  ‘Feck your mother. If you want to do it, do it. I’ve condoms here, take some.’ Shannon rooted around in the back of her drawer and pulled out two. ‘Seriously, Kelly, it’s your life.’

  ‘What if the condom bursts?’

  ‘Go on the pill, then. We can go to the Well Woman centre this weekend and get you on it.’

  Kelly looked at the condoms. She wanted to have sex but she was terrified. What if something went wrong? She just wasn’t ready yet. She’d asked Sean to wait a few more weeks. She’d said she wanted to spend more time with him and sort out her birth control. She’d bought herself some time. She needed to think about it. Besides, she wanted it to be special. Not behind a hedge in the park or something awful like that. She wanted candles and a proper bed. She wanted her first time to be romantic.

  ‘I can’t this weekend – I have to help in the shop because Mum has two weddings to do – but maybe next.’

  Shannon finished applying a thick layer of mascara to her eyes. She looked lovely, Kelly thought. Her blue eyes really stood out. Shannon was curvy like Sarah – she had big boobs too. Kelly wished she could fill out a bit. She was still so skinny and had two fried eggs for boobs. She envied Shannon her curves – she was very sexy.

  Kelly didn’t really need a bra. She wore one but only because everyone else did. Last week, Melissa had shouted across the changing room after swimming, ‘Look, Kelly’s wearing a bra! How pointless is that!’ Everyone had laughed.

  Kelly felt her cheeks redden every time she thought of it. She wished she could come up with something cutting to say back, but she never did. She only thought of things afterwards. Shannon would have had a quick response – she was much better at fast comebacks than Kelly was.