Our Secrets and Lies

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Mum,’ Dylan said firmly. ‘I’m not going to get drunk. I’m going over to meet Taylor and take her to a pizza place near her house. That’s all. I’ll be home after that. I won’t be late. Chill out, you can trust me. Okay?’

  ‘Fine, but be home no later than ten thirty. Do you need any money?’

  ‘If you had a twenty, that would be great.’

  ‘Okay,’ Lucy said. ‘Give me a sec. My bag is in the shop.’

  She went through the door and Dylan looked at Kelly. ‘You okay after today?’ he said.

  ‘What do you mean?’ she asked.

  ‘I saw that video,’ he said, looking uncomfortable. ‘You’re still getting a bit of slagging, are you?’

  Kelly couldn’t believe he was so blind. A bit of slagging? Had he really no idea how bad it was? ‘It’s horrible, Dylan,’ she said. ‘The messages are vicious.’

  His phone buzzed and he glanced down. ‘It’ll be grand,’ he said. ‘Ignore it. They just want to get a reaction out of you. Holidays are nearly here. It’ll be yesterday’s news, they’ll leave you alone.’

  ‘No, they won’t,’ Kelly said, struggling to hold back tears. ‘They really hate me. All of them.’ He didn’t get it – no one did. She was in hell.

  Lucy came back. ‘Here you go, love. Enjoy yourself.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum. See you later.’ He turned to Kelly. ‘You’ll be fine.’ He zipped up his jacket and headed for the front door.

  ‘Have a good time, but not too good,’ Lucy called out. Sighing happily, she said, ‘Isn’t he just great?’

  Kelly said nothing but moved towards the stairs. Her phone vibrated as she went.

  ‘Oh, hang on, Kelly. I never took your temperature.’

  ‘It’s fine, Mum. I just have a headache. I’m going to have a bath and an early night.’

  ‘I’ll check in on you later. I’ll make some dinner for Granddad now. If you change your mind let me know and I’ll make something for you.’

  Kelly silently left the room and walked up the stairs.

  49

  Shannon pushed her dinner around her plate.

  ‘What’s wrong with you, love? Not hungry?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Shannon not hungry? That’s hilarious, she never stops shoving food down her cake-hole.’ Ollie sniggered.

  ‘Shut up, you twat. At least I didn’t get sent home from school for trying to barbecue snails with a lighter.’

  ‘Let’s all be nice to each other for a change,’ Sarah pleaded.

  Shannon pushed her dinner away. ‘I can’t eat.’

  ‘What’s up?’ Darren asked.

  Shannon looked around the table. She couldn’t say it in front of Ollie and she was too embarrassed to say it in front of her dad. She looked at her mum. ‘Can I talk to you for a minute in private?’

  ‘Oh, Jesus.’ Sarah’s hand flew to her heart.

  Shannon paused, then realized. ‘For God’s sake, I’m not pregnant.’

  ‘Pregnant, you? Sure who’d ride you?’ Ollie said.

  ‘Loads of guys, actually,’ Shannon hissed.

  ‘For the love of God, I’m trying to eat my dinner,’ Darren huffed.

  ‘Come on.’ Sarah pulled Shannon out and they sat down in the lounge. ‘What’s going on?’

  Shannon tried to get the words out. ‘It’s Kelly. I’m worried about her. There was this video. It’s … well, it’s kind of a porn video and the girl in it is kind of, well, doing stuff, and she looks like Kelly, but obviously it isn’t Kelly, and anyway it’s gone viral and zillions of people are commenting and being horrible and she won’t answer her phone.’

  Sarah nodded. ‘Did you speak to her at all today?’

  Shannon shook her head and tears began to roll down her face. ‘I’ve tried calling and texting all afternoon. I went into the shop earlier but Billy said she wasn’t home. I’m really worried, Mum. She’s having such a horrible time and she’s been really low since the Taylor thing, and then I heard from Mandy who heard from Peter who heard from Jason that Sean broke up with Kelly today. I’m … I think she might do something stupid.’

  Sarah stared at her. ‘You mean hurt herself?’

  Shannon nodded. ‘Maybe. I mean, it’s just too much, Mum.’

  Sarah stood up and hugged her daughter. ‘I’ll run over to Lucy’s now and see if she’s there. You keep trying her phone. Call Dylan and see if he’s spoken to her today.’

  ‘I’m coming with you,’ Shannon said.

  Sarah and Shannon sprinted down the road to the shop. They ran in. Billy was behind the counter.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Is Kelly here?’

  ‘Yes. She came home about forty minutes ago, said she wasn’t feeling well.’

  ‘Oh, good,’ Sarah said, catching her breath.

  ‘I’m going to check on her.’ Shannon ran through the shop and into the kitchen.

  Lucy was setting the table for dinner.

  ‘I’m just checking on Kelly.’

  ‘She’s in the bath. She said she didn’t feel too good so she didn’t want anything to eat.’

  Shannon ran upstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. ‘Kelly? It’s me. Are you okay?’

  Silence.

  ‘Kelly, please, let me in. I know you must be feeling crap, but we’ll work it out. Just let me in so we can talk.’

  Silence.

  Shannon began to panic. ‘Kelly!’ She raised her voice. ‘Come on, just tell me you’re okay in there and I’ll go away.’

  Silence.

  ‘Please, Kelly, you’re freaking me out now! Tell me to go away – just speak to me! Say something!’

  Silence.

  Shannon rattled the door handle. ‘If you don’t speak to me, I’m going to have to get your mum and break the door down. Kelly, come on.’

  Silence.

  Shannon felt her blood run cold. ‘Lucy!’ she screamed. ‘Mum! Come quick!’

  Lucy and Sarah came running up the stairs.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  Shannon was crying. ‘Break the door down – she’s not okay. Please, I’m really scared. Break it down.’

  ‘Shannon, love, calm down.’ Lucy wriggled the door handle. ‘Kelly, it’s Mum. Are you all right in there?’

  Silence.

  ‘Kelly?’

  Shannon grabbed Lucy’s arm. ‘We have to break the bloody door down. Something terrible happened at school – she’s not okay.’

  Lucy’s face drained of colour. ‘What happened?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter now. We just have to get in. Now. Please.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Lucy was beginning to panic.

  ‘Lucy, just get the fucking door open,’ Sarah shouted.

  Lucy looked shocked. ‘Okay.’ She raced downstairs and called for Billy. Shannon tried to shoulder the door open, but just ended up hurting herself.

  Billy and Lucy came up with a wrench from the shed. ‘What’s going –’

  ‘Just do it!’ Shannon shouted over Billy.

  Billy put the wrench into the side of the door and heaved the lock back. The door flew open.

  There was a moment of silence. Then Lucy’s scream split it apart. ‘Kelly!’

  ‘Oh, Jesus,’ Billy shouted, staggering against the door frame. Shannon bent double, crying and wailing. Sarah was saying something to her, but she couldn’t hear it. Lucy felt as if she was under water. The voices around her were muffled, distant. It was as if all the sound had been drained out of the world and there were only the images that she couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

  Kelly was slumped in the bath. The water was pink. The tiles were white. The bath towel on the hook was dark blue. The colours blurred and merged. Then the pink water came into sharp focus.

  ‘Kelly! No!’ The voice came from Lucy’s own mouth, but it sounded far-off and hazy. She went into the bathroom, elbowing the others out of her way. She stood swaying at the side of the bath, looking down at the blood. My God, there was so much. Then sh
e saw where it was coming from. Blood oozed out of Kelly’s wrists. Her beautiful little wrists. In the water, on the bottom of the bath, Lucy could make out something metal and sharp.

  ‘What have you done?’ she wailed. She reached into the bloody water and pulled her daughter up and into her arms, cradling her limp body. She pushed her hair back from her face. Her eyes didn’t open. Kelly hung from Lucy’s embrace like a rag doll. It was as if she had gone, leaving her body behind.

  Sounds came back into focus. Lucy could hear Billy making a noise that sounded like keening. Sarah was weeping. Shannon was distraught.

  ‘Is she dead? Is she dead?’ Shannon screamed over and over again. ‘Oh, God, it’s my fault.’

  Sarah pushed Shannon towards the door. She shook Billy’s arm. ‘Get your phone out,’ she barked at him. ‘Call an ambulance.’

  Billy nodded and fumbled in his pockets.

  ‘Use Shannon’s!’ Sarah roared. ‘Shannon! Phone! Now!’

  Shaking, Shannon took out her phone and handed it to Billy. He dialled and a moment later began reciting the address.

  Sarah gently loosened Lucy’s grip on her daughter and placed her fingers on Kelly’s neck. ‘She’s got a pulse,’ she said.

  ‘Is she alive? Is she, Mum?’ Shannon sobbed.

  ‘Yes, she is. She needs us to be calm now. Hand me some towels, Shannon.’ Sarah barked orders and her daughter obeyed her without thinking.

  Lucy wrapped Kelly in the dark blue towel and rocked her. She kissed her face, she told her she loved her, she cried and prayed. She bargained with God. ‘Don’t take her, God, take me, strike me down, but please not Kelly. Please …’

  Sarah ran out of the room and came back with a pair of socks. She tied them around Kelly’s wrists to stem the flow of blood.

  ‘It’s okay, Lucy,’ Sarah said. ‘Deep breaths. Help is on the way.’

  Lucy rocked her like a baby. ‘I love you, Kelly, stay with me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Don’t leave me.’

  ‘It’s here! The ambulance is here!’ Billy roared, as a blue light lit up the room in intermittent bursts. He took the stairs two at a time and flung open the front door.

  Two paramedics rushed through the house, up the stairs and into the bathroom. They had to prise Kelly from Lucy’s arms. Useless now, Sarah, Lucy, Shannon and Billy held each other and cried as the crew lifted Kelly gently onto a stretcher on the floor. They checked her vitals, took off the socks and applied proper bandaging.

  ‘We need to get her there quick,’ one of them said. ‘Can someone pack a bag for her? Then you can all follow us.’

  ‘No way,’ Lucy said. ‘No, no, no, I’m not leaving her alone.’

  The paramedic tried to persuade her, but they were losing precious minutes arguing.

  ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘Just the mother. Quickly now.’

  Within minutes Lucy was in the back of the ambulance, gripping the side of the stretcher as they raced through the streets, siren wailing. Grief and panic seared through her. She closed her eyes and the tears that escaped burnt too. She felt like she was on fire, the pain unbearable.

  ‘Please, please, please,’ she whispered. ‘Please save her. Save my beautiful Kelly.’

  50

  Dylan and Jenny burst through the door of the family waiting room and looked around wildly. ‘Where is she?’ Dylan shouted.

  Lucy threw her arms around her son. He held her tight. ‘Is she okay, Mum?’

  Lucy was crying too much to speak. Dylan held her and began to cry too.

  ‘They’re working on her now,’ Darren said. ‘She’s in Intensive Care. They think she’s going to be all right.’

  ‘Think?’ Jenny looked at Billy.

  He put his arm around her. ‘We don’t know much yet. We’re hoping and praying. They think we got to her in time. Jesus, Jenny, if you’d seen her.’ Billy covered his eyes and began to weep.

  She pulled him to her. ‘It’s okay, Dad, she’ll make it.’ She looked around at the others. ‘What happened?’

  ‘She did it in the bath,’ Sarah said softly. ‘Cut herself. She’s lost a lot of blood.’

  Jenny shook her head. ‘I can’t believe it,’ she said. ‘That she could do this to herself. Why didn’t she come and talk to me? To any of us? We could have fixed whatever it was.’

  Dylan paced the room. ‘It’s my fault. She told me she was being bullied, but I didn’t think it was this bad.’

  ‘No! It’s my fault,’ Shannon said, sniffing. ‘I knew how bad it was, but I didn’t say.’

  ‘Shannon, you saved her life,’ Sarah said. ‘You saved her.’

  ‘She’s right,’ Lucy said.

  ‘None of this would have happened if I’d told you how bad things were,’ Shannon sobbed. ‘I begged her to tell you, Lucy, but she was too afraid to upset you or to mess up the scholarship. She was so worried about everyone else – she never put herself first. But I should have told you anyway.’

  ‘That’s so Kelly,’ Jenny said. ‘Always thinking about other people’s feelings.’

  Billy wiped his eyes with a large handkerchief. ‘Poor little mite. To think she was suffering so much and we didn’t see it. How did we miss it? How?’

  Lucy went over to sit beside Shannon and held her hand. ‘Tell me everything. All of it. Don’t spare me any details. I need to know what she’s been going through. I need to know what I missed.’

  They all sat down and everyone looked at Shannon, waiting. Darren sat on her other side and put his arm around her as she sobbed and spluttered her way through the last few months of Kelly’s life.

  ‘… and then today they send this video out of a girl that looked like Kelly doing … well … doing something …’ Shannon looked at her dad.

  ‘Doing what?’ Lucy asked.

  ‘Just say it, love,’ Billy said.

  ‘I can’t,’ Shannon said.

  ‘What was it, Shannon?’ Jenny asked. ‘It’s okay, you’re not in trouble. We need to know.’

  ‘It was … she was … the girl in the video was …’

  ‘Kicking?’ Ollie asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Punching?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Stabbing?’

  ‘Shut up, Ollie,’ Shannon shouted. ‘She was giving a blow job.’

  ‘Kelly?’ Billy gasped.

  ‘No! The other woman who looked like her.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ Billy said, his hand on his heart.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ Jenny spluttered. ‘That’s a whole new level of vicious. Those little bitches.’

  ‘Oh, my God, poor Kelly,’ Lucy said, her face white with shock. ‘I had no idea. I can’t believe the things they said, the shaming and slandering … It’s … it’s horrific.’

  ‘I swear to God I will kill those bitches,’ Dylan said, through gritted teeth. ‘I could rip them apart with my bare hands. How could they?’

  Billy went over and put his arm around his grandson. ‘Easy,’ he said to him. ‘Don’t let the anger take over.’

  ‘But I was in school with her,’ Dylan said, blinking back tears. ‘I should have seen it. I was right there. But I was too busy with my own stuff. Jesus, I’m so selfish. I’m –’ A sob caught in his throat and he leant against Billy and wept. Lucy thought her heart would fall right out of her chest.

  ‘It’s the worst I ever heard,’ Darren said, shaking his head. ‘Poor Kelly.’

  ‘I should have told you,’ Shannon sobbed. ‘If she dies, it’s my fault.’

  ‘STOP!’ roared Ollie. ‘It’s not your fault, Shannon. You’re a brilliant friend. Kelly always said it, “Shannon is my best friend.” She’s not going to die. She’s an outsider like me, but that makes us strong and brave. She won’t die. She’ll live and she’ll get better and go back and fight those bullies and stand up to them and not let them call her names and send videos and all that. Kelly’s brilliant and kind and smart and she won’t die.’ Ollie began to cry.

  Shannon leant over and hu
gged her brother, their two heads bent together, shoulders shaking. Sarah came over to hug her children. ‘Now, now,’ she whispered. ‘You have to stay strong. Kelly will pull through. And she’d be so upset to hear you sitting here blaming yourselves. I know she would.’

  It’s not your fault, Shannon, Lucy thought. It’s mine. All mine. I am to blame for this, for my daughter’s despair. I did this to her. I pushed her and pushed her and I didn’t listen.

  Jenny put her hand on Lucy’s arm. ‘Don’t.’

  ‘Don’t what?’

  ‘Don’t blame yourself. I can see it on your face.’

  Lucy gulped back tears. ‘I did this, Jenny. I forced her to go to that school. I told her to try harder when she told me she hated it. I told her to be friendlier, to make more of an effort. Oh, Jesus, I sent her into that lions’ den every day. I didn’t listen. I was so wrapped up in St Jude’s and what it means to me. What kind of mother does that? I’m a monster, Jenny. I did this. Oh, Jesus … I did this to her.’

  Jenny grabbed Lucy’s shoulders and shook her. ‘Stop it. You didn’t make this happen. Those disgusting vile bitches did. We all saw Kelly was unhappy, and we all missed just how bad it was. But that doesn’t mean we’re uncaring. It’s just that none of us could have imagined this was going on. No way.’

  Lucy gripped Jenny’s arm. ‘She’s my daughter, my flesh and blood. I saw her every day. I knew she was unhappy, but I dismissed it as settling-in issues. I never in my wildest dreams imagined she was being tormented. Every day in school must have been a living hell. What if she dies, Jenny? What if I never get to tell her how sorry I am? She can’t die, Jenny, she’s my life.’

  Jenny threw her arms around her sister and they cried together. Dylan came over and wrapped his arms around his mum. His phone began to ring. He looked at it.

  ‘It’s Taylor,’ he said.

  ‘Don’t answer it,’ Lucy said.

  ‘But, Mum, she only wants to –’

  ‘No, I mean, don’t tell her what’s happened,’ Lucy said, rubbing her face roughly with her hand. ‘I don’t want any of those bullies to be forewarned and able to get rid of evidence or come up with a story or whatever. Just not yet, Dylan. Hold off for now.’