Our Secrets and Lies

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Dad, Jenny, Sarah, Darren, Shannon and Ollie, you have all been an integral part of the twins’ lives. I don’t thank you enough and I haven’t properly acknowledged the huge part you’ve played in my children’s lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. The twins turned out so well in large part because of you guys. You have stood by me through thick and thin, held me up on bad days, made me laugh on sad days, and supported me and the twins every step of the way. Most of all, in the last week you’ve been my rocks.

  ‘Dylan and Kelly, I’m lucky to be your mum. I’m truly sorry for all the mistakes I’ve made. I promise you that I’m going to learn from them and be a better mother and person. I’m going to step back and let you fly.

  ‘I’ve also decided to stop bemoaning the past and do something about it. I’m going back to college to finish my law degree. I may do nothing with it, I may fail, I may come bottom of the class, but I’m going to try to finish what I started.

  ‘My mum always said, “Family is love and love is family,” and if the last week has taught me anything, it’s that that statement is so true.

  ‘Kelly, I owe you such a huge apology. I’ll never forgive myself for pushing you to go to St Jude’s. I’ll try to make it up to you. Please go and live your best life and be who you’re supposed to be, not who I once thought you should be. I’ll cheer you from the sideline, willing you on, wishing you happiness and success, but never, ever pushing you.

  ‘I’d like to make a toast to my beautiful twins, loves of my life, who have taught me that love is not keeping your children close, it’s allowing them to spread their wings. Just promise me you’ll come back and visit me!’

  They raised their glasses and clinked.

  Kelly whispered in Lucy’s ear, ‘I love you, Mum, and I forgive you a thousand times over. Please forgive me for giving you such a fright.’

  Lucy hugged her fragile daughter to her chest. ‘I have nothing to forgive. You are perfect, Kelly Murphy, and don’t ever forget it.’

  ‘So, like, are we going to eat the flaming pudding or what?’ Shannon asked.

  59

  The house was quiet. Sarah and Darren had taken Ollie home. Shannon was upstairs with Kelly. Dylan was in his bedroom on the phone to Taylor, and Billy had gone to the shed for a nightcap.

  Lucy sat on the couch in front of the fire. Tom came into the room. ‘I’ve just loaded the dishwasher and that should be the last of it.’

  ‘Thanks for tidying up. I just have no energy left.’

  ‘Not surprised after the week you’ve had, and the fact that you cooked a feast for all of us today.’ He sat down beside her and picked up his wine glass. ‘It was a perfect day. Thanks for including me. It was the best Christmas I’ve ever had, by miles.’

  ‘It was lovely.’

  ‘I can’t wait for Dylan’s match. I’m so keen to see him play.’

  Lucy wriggled her toes, feeling the warmth of the fire sink into her feet. ‘He’s pretty amazing. You’re in for a treat.’

  Tom sighed happily. ‘I still can’t believe it. I’m a dad.’

  ‘I still can’t believe you’re here.’

  ‘It’s all a bit surreal. Do you think Dylan liked his boots?’

  ‘He loved them. He’s just going to take a bit longer to warm to you. Give him space, Tom. Don’t rush him – you’ll only push him away.’

  ‘I just want to hug him so badly.’

  ‘Restrain yourself.’ Lucy laughed. ‘He’ll run a mile if you do that.’

  Tom smiled. ‘There’s something I really need to do this week.’

  ‘What? Run Melissa over with your car?’

  They both laughed.

  ‘As tempting as that sounds, I’d rather not end up in prison after just finding my kids. No, I need to call up to my father and tell him face to face what a bastard he is.’

  ‘Can I come?’ Lucy asked.

  ‘You’d want to?’ Tom looked at her in surprise.

  ‘Yes. I have a few things I’d like to say.’

  ‘No time like the present. Do you want to run over there now?’

  ‘What?’ Lucy said.

  ‘I’ve only had one glass today,’ Tom said. ‘I could drive us.’

  Lucy sat up. ‘You’re on.’

  Tom stood beside her before the imposing front door. Lucy was surprised at how calm she felt. She’d thought bad memories would rise up, but she felt no anger. Her mind was clear and she knew exactly what she wanted to say.

  Tom rang the bell. They heard footsteps and then the door opened. Gabriel took a step back. ‘Tom?’

  ‘Hello, Dad.’

  ‘When did you get back? I had no idea.’ He looked at Lucy. ‘What on earth is she doing here?’

  ‘Lucy, the mother of my children and your grandchildren, is here because I invited her to come. We have a few things to say to you.’

  Tom held his arm out and he and Lucy walked into the hall. An expensive artificial Christmas tree stood in the middle of the otherwise empty space. Their footsteps echoed as they walked across the marble floor. The house felt cold, Lucy thought. Cold and impersonal, like its owner.

  She thought of her own home, full of people coming and going – presents, warm fires, decorations covering every surface, the kitchen groaning with food, music playing. It was by no means perfect, but it was full and alive. Full of love and friendship. This house was devoid of everything – people, warmth, life and love. It was an empty shell.

  The hall didn’t seem so big now, or daunting. A lot had happened since she’d stood here with her two tiny babies. She’d been so desperate, heartbroken and alone then. Now she was much stronger, happier and so lucky. Yes, she thought, I’m lucky. I’m the luckiest person in the world.

  ‘What’s all this about? I hope she’s not here to cause a scene.’ Gabriel crossed his arms and glared at Lucy.

  ‘If by “she” you mean Lucy, no, she isn’t,’ Tom said firmly. ‘I wanted to see you because I now know the truth. I was a stupid, spineless, weak fool to let you talk me into going to America rather than staying here and standing up to my responsibilities. I can’t blame you for that, but I can blame you and I do blame you for not telling me the truth. How could you not tell me I had children?’ Tom’s voice croaked with raw emotion. ‘How could you lie about my own flesh and blood? Because of you, my children grew up with no father and I had no children. Do you have any idea how that feels? Do you?’ He was shouting.

  ‘Calm down. I did what I thought best.’

  ‘Best?’ Tom hissed. ‘Best to deny me the knowledge that I was a father to two amazing children? Who made you God? Who gave you the right to lie to me for all these years? I’ve missed out on so many precious moments. My children thought I didn’t care. How could you? How could you do that? How do you sleep at night? You bastard.’

  ‘How dare you speak to me like that? I’m your father. Have some respect.’

  ‘Respect? You have to earn respect. I’ll never forgive you for this. And as for being my father, you were never a father to me. You were a bully and a dictator. I’m determined to make up for the lost years and be the best bloody father I can. And it’s going to be easy because all I have to do is the exact opposite of how you parented me.’

  Gabriel flushed and he shoved his finger in Tom’s face. ‘I gave you the best life a boy could want. How dare you come in here and insult me? I did what I thought was best. She would have dragged you down into the gutter with her. You’ve had an excellent career in America.’

  Tom’s eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t give a damn about my career. I care about my children and how the hell I’m going to make it up to them. I can’t believe they’ve let me into their lives so generously. They’re magnificent, and the reason they are is because they had an incredible mother.’

  ‘Yes, well, the boy is talented enough, I suppose. Football, though, not my bag,’ Gabriel said.

  Tom snorted. ‘God, you’ll never change. Always looking down on everyone from your pedestal. How
does it feel up there? Cold? Lonely? Look at you, living alone in this big house with no family or friends, a son who hates you and two grandchildren you don’t even know.’

  ‘Don’t you dare come into my home and speak to me like that. I’m perfectly content, thank you very much.’

  ‘If you are, then I pity you. Thank God my children have decided to let me try to rebuild the bridges I burnt.’ Tom turned to Lucy, who was standing slightly to his left. ‘Lucy has raised the twins and done the most terrific job. They’re clever and talented and bright and smart. Most of all they’re decent. Decent human beings with huge hearts.’

  Gabriel rolled his eyes. ‘Big hearts. Really, Tom, you’ve gone all American. Children need to be focused and disciplined to achieve success.’

  Lucy stepped forward. ‘Yes, I thought so too. And I pushed my children to succeed so I could prove what a good mother I was. My determination to prove you wrong, you, who called me a whore, gold-digger and unfit mother, almost ruined my daughter’s life. But I have seen now that decency and a big heart is worth more than any amount of As in exams or success on the sports field. My kids are a credit to themselves. They came out into the world ready-made, full of love and life and goodness. They’re not perfect, but they’re pretty damn close. The sad thing is that when you threw me and my babies out of your house, you lost the right ever to know them. I feel sorry for you, Gabriel, because you don’t know what you’re missing.’

  Gabriel took a step towards her. Lucy didn’t flinch. ‘I don’t need your pity.’

  Lucy smiled at him. ‘But you have it. You’re a bitter, twisted old man, and that’s sad. I wish you no harm or hurt.’

  ‘What’s all this about, Tom? Why are you here? I don’t want this awful woman in my house.’

  ‘Don’t you –’

  Lucy held her hand up to stop Tom. ‘I came here today for closure. It might be a bit American for you, but it’s important to me. When you kicked me out seventeen years ago, I was utterly devastated. But I survived and I made it and so did my kids. I’ve come here to tell you that you were wrong about me. I’m not a gold-digger or a whore. I’m just Lucy Murphy, mother, daughter, sister, friend and survivor.’

  Lucy looked at Tom and nodded.

  ‘We’re leaving now,’ Tom said. ‘This is the last time I’ll ever speak to you, Dad. You stole seventeen years from me and I will never forgive you. You’ve lost your only son and the chance to get to know your two grandchildren. Don’t try to contact me. You were never a father and you will never be one. It’s up to me to change that cycle and be the best father possible.’

  Gabriel stared after them in silence as they left, then slammed the door behind them. They climbed into Tom’s car. Lucy leant her head back on the seat.

  ‘You were amazing,’ Tom said.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I kind of was.’

  They both laughed.

  When they reached Lucy’s house, Tom switched off the engine and turned to her. ‘I’ve found a three-bedroom house near where you are. I was thinking of buying it. The twins could have a room each, if they ever wanted to stay over, not that I would push it, just if they wanted to and if you were happy for them to do that. How would you feel about it? Too close? Too much? Too soon?’

  Lucy smiled. ‘No, I think it’s a good idea. The kids can see you whenever they want and I’ll be happy to know they’re close by.’

  ‘Great.’ Tom beamed. ‘I wasn’t sure how you’d react but now I know you’re okay with it, I’ll put a bid in.’

  ‘The twins’ happiness is my priority and you living near us will be good for them. Besides,’ she grinned, ‘I’ll need you to help with them while I go back and finish my law degree.’

  Tom nodded. ‘I’d be glad to. I robbed you of that, among many other things.’

  Lucy waved a hand. ‘It’s all in the past now, Tom. This is the new chapter in my life and all our lives. I’m determined to put the past behind me, change and grow and be a better person. No more anger, no more secrets and lies. Watch out, world, here I come.’

  Acknowledgements

  As a mother of three young children I found the research for this book eye-opening and at times truly alarming. Social media has given our teenagers so much more to deal with. Nowhere is a ‘safe space’ when you’re being bullied online.

  I dedicated this book to mothers because they are the centre of our worlds. Mothers try to be the best they can be but they are only human: they make mistakes and they say and do the wrong thing sometimes. But they are only ever trying their best for their children. We should judge less and support more. We’re all just trying to muddle through and keep our children safe and happy.

  As always I have many people to thank.

  Biggest thank-you goes to Rachel Pierce, my editor, who held my hand through this book and helped to push me along when I was faltering; Patricia Deevy, for her great insight, ideas and cheerleading; Michael McLoughlin, Cliona Lewis, Patricia McVeigh, Carrie Anderson, Brian Walker and all the team at Penguin Ireland for their continued support and help. To all in the Penguin UK office, especially Tom Weldon, Joanna Prior and the fantastic sales, marketing and creative teams. To my agent Marianne Gunn O’Connor for being a great agent and a thoughtful and kind person. To Hazel Orme, for her wonderful copy-editing and for being such a positive force.

  To Lia Moloney for giving me an eye-opening (and, at times, jaw-dropping) insight into the complicated minefield that is the world of teenagers today: thanks, Lia, you are a fantastic girl.

  To the headmaster who patiently talked me through the very delicate and challenging job of dealing with parents and students over bullying. He explained that schools are doing their best to keep up with the constantly changing ways and platforms via which bullying now takes place. The safety and happiness of students is paramount.

  To my fellow writers, thanks for your support, encouragement and for always reminding me that the important thing is to keep going!

  To my mum, sister, brother and extended family: thanks for always being there.

  To all of my friends, thanks for your support and love always.

  To Hugo, Geordy and Amy: I hope I can be a good mother and let you be whoever you are meant to be.

  To Troy, thanks for being my best friend.

  THE BEGINNING

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  PENGUIN IRELAND

  UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia

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  Penguin Ireland is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

  First published 2018

  Copyright © Sinéad Moriarty, 2018

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Cover photos © Krystallenia Batziou/Arcangel

  Cover images © Elizabeth Ansley/Trevillion Images

  ISBN: 978-1-844-88406-3