Shalia's Diary

by Tracy St. John

  I didn’t protest when he laid me down on the desk. I shook when he pushed my shirt and bra up over my breasts, exposing them. Not with fear, but with a need I hadn’t experienced before. When Nang’s mouth closed on one, sucking the mound into his hot, wet mouth, I arched and cried out. An incredible rush of sensation barreled from there to my lower parts. His tongue stroked my nipple, the roughness of it sending a strange ache that was all pleasure rioting through my senses. Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses, if there really is a heaven it’s in Commander Nang’s mouth. Strike me down for my blasphemy, but it’s the truth.

  He sucked and licked and nipped until I was writhing like a snake beneath him. Then he kissed his way over to the other breast and did the same. Watching his tongue swirl all around my areola, seeing his teeth catch the tip between them so he could whip his tongue over it made me crazy.

  But even in my sex-maddened state, something bothered me. I didn’t want to heed those warnings. I just wanted Nang’s gorgeous, tormenting play to go on and on, washing me with those crazy feelings in my gut and sex. I wanted to forget the world outside, with its blown up cities, its murderous gangs, its judgmental people who made my mother cry...

  That was it. That was what was wrong, why despite the stroking hands and devouring mouth I wasn’t quite in total enthrallment. I was doing the very thing that they all suspected me of, the thing that had put me and Mom on everyone’s shit list.

  I shoved against Nang, pushing to get that wondrous body off mine. “Stop!” I said, my voice forceful without being loud, just in case someone outside the door might hear. “Nang, don’t!”

  He stop his delicious assault on my breasts, his expression at once concerned. “What’s wrong, Shalia? Did I hurt you?”

  “No. Please ... just get off me.”

  It might have been the most difficult thing I’d ever said. My body ached for more, much more. My breasts tingled, the nipples hard and pointing at Nang’s mouth as if to entreat him to return to them.

  I pushed again. “Please, Nang. I’m begging you to stop right now.”

  He slowly rose, his expression utterly confounded. “But why? Am I not pleasing you?”

  I almost dissolved into hysterical laughter. More like pleasing me too damned much, to the point that I’d forgotten the danger I was putting me and Mom in. Damn it, what is with me and these Kalquorians?

  That thought made me think of Dusa. I wondered what he would think if he knew I’d been getting so up close and personal with another man. I swallowed the guilt that rose.

  I sat up, pulling my bra and blouse back down and arranging everything so I didn’t look so disheveled or wanton. Meanwhile, Nang stood in front of me, his crotch swollen big enough to storm castle gates with. Seeing him like that made me feel bad for him but relieved for me. I don’t know that my body could have survived fucking something that size.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let that happen. I didn’t mean to make you feel like ... like that.” I gestured vaguely at his erection.

  Nang tilted his head. “But you were enjoying it, weren’t you?”

  I hung my head, ashamed. “Yes, I was.”

  “Then why do you want to stop?”

  I looked up at him. The big man had no clue whatsoever why I’d called a halt to our tempestuous romp. I couldn’t fault him that. I’d seen the reports of how his people thought touching women, right up to attempting to have sex with them, was a way to soothe fears. It was their way of making females feel safe and protected and cared for. I’d gotten that sense myself when Nang touched me.

  It made me ache to pick up where we’d left off. But I couldn’t do that. No way. The denial made me feel empty inside.

  “Nang, what we just did would have gotten me a lifelong prison sentence on old Earth. The way our prisons operated, lifelong would have amounted to a few weeks. Many of my kind still think that way.”

  His expression started to clear. Realization seeped into his face, along with a look of horror.

  I wanted to make sure he understood why I wasn’t going to live up to the promises my body had been making just moments before. “I’m already accused of being immoral, and I’ve done nothing but agree to give a presentation to your staff. Can you imagine the censure I’d face if anyone had a clue as to what just happened here?”

  Nang licked his lips. He nodded slowly. “I will not speak of it to anyone. No one will know. I will get you and Matara Eve those guards like I said I would.”

  I shook my head. “You can’t do that. Giving Mom and me protection, while appreciated, will only give other Earthers more evidence that I’m a traitor to them. You can’t guard me forever, and eventually I will have to live with these people.”

  He looked at me, his brows drawing together. “If you go to Kalquor to join a clan, you will be among only like-minded Earthers.”

  “That’s fine for my well-being, but what about my mother? She’s past childbearing age and of no worth to your empire, especially since there is no guarantee her dementia can be reversed.”

  Nang shrugged. “Put her in an elder facility. I am sure there will be some on the colonies.”

  My mouth dropped in shock. “What, just pack her away? Where I can’t keep an eye on her or see her?”

  I’d been ready to put Mom in assisted living before Armageddon, but I had also made sure I’d stay nearby. What Nang so callously advocated was dropping her off and leaving her fate in the hands of others, others who could turn into completely uncaring assholes as soon as my back was turned.

  The stupid shit blathered on, completely clueless of how furious I’d become. “Of course you could visit her, as your clan’s responsibilities would allow. I’m sure they’d be glad to find time for you to spend a few days in her company once in a while.”

  I spoke slowly and distinctly, making sure Nang wouldn’t misunderstand how far off course he’d gone. “Commander Nang, I am not abandoning my mother in any such way. I am all she has and I will not avoid my responsibility to her; the only real responsibility I have. As for you and your presentation and all of the Kalquorian Empire, you can go fuck yourselves.”

  With that I stormed out, ignoring his shocked, “Shalia!” I half expected him to come after me. Fortunately he let me go, sparing him the agony of me yanking off his oversized cock and beating him with had he dared to pursue me.

  I am done with the aliens. All of them. And while I will admit it makes me beyond sad to not see Dusa and Esak again, it’s for the best. Kalquor is not the place for me and Mom, except to get her the medical care she needs. After that and after I’ve sent all the would-be clans packing, I will wash my hands of them forever.

  September 15

  I just got back from lunch. I brought half of it back with me since some asshole bumped my table hard as he walked by, knocking my tray into my lap. There I sat, tuna salad and protein drink all over my shirt and pants. Then the shithead, some guy in his thirties missing both front teeth in his upper gum, smiled at me.

  He said, “Sorry, slut. But you’re used to having nastiness in your lap, ain’t ya?”

  Several people nearby laughed while Mom fussed, trying to get me clean with a napkin. Weln started forward as if to either help me or to punch the Gap-Toothed Wonder, but I warned him away with a look. I was afraid someone might jump him. Despite his size, Weln seems to be a pretty gentle guy. If he got into a fight and started losing, a whole bunch of the Kalquorians that hang out in the dining area keeping an eye on things would get involved. I guarantee you, my fellow Earthers would blame it all on me.

  Most of all, I was worried that Mom might realize the ‘accident’ wasn’t an accident. I cannot take her crying again. So I cleaned up as best I could, pointedly ignored everyone else, and sat as long as it took Mom to eat. I’d lost my appetite.

  At least it wasn’t the hot soup I’d almost ordered. Things could be worse. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.

  I’ve spent a lot of the day in bed. With nothing to do and n
o one to talk to, what else is there? The worst thing is how my head keeps replaying the message Dusa sent me.

  “Shalia, I am so sorry to hear what happened to Matara Eve. I’m even more sorry that such ugly things are being said about you. You don’t deserve any of it. You’ve done nothing wrong. I completely understand why you left a message saying you can’t see me and Esak anymore, but please reconsider. We will be very careful from now on. No one else will know when we visit you. Just don’t cut me off like this. I treasure the friendship we’ve built, and it hurts to think I can’t see you again.” His voice cracked a little as he spoke.

  Then Esak: “I will not let anyone hurt you or your mother, Shalia. Talk to us. It will be all right.”

  Do I really mean that much to them? I know how lost and empty I feel not seeing Dusa’s smile. I think back to the last time I saw them and my gut knots. I alternate between laughter and tears when I remember Esak’s patient suffering as he watched Mom knit him a very non-Nobek cap. I could see him gathering all his courage to wear it when it’s eventually finished, just to make her happy. I know he’d do it too, even though it’s a color only a little girl would wear. He and Esak are so sweet. They’ve been incredibly good to us.

  I can’t bear to erase the message, not when it’s the only shred of kindness I have left in this world. I’m going to keep it, because I don’t dare allow myself to remain involved with Dusa and Esak in any way, not when Mom’s well-being is a part of the equation.

  It’s so unfair.

  September 16

  Dusa and Esak messaged me again, pleading with me to reconsider not talking to them. I have no choice. I can’t see them. People are still glaring at me when I go to eat. Anywhere I see fellow Earthers, I am ostracized. They whisper and stare when I’m around. When I walk by them, I hear words like ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ and ‘traitor’. Even the few friendlies here at the dorm won’t come near me when we’re away from this area for fear of being treated the same. I’m a pariah to my own, despised and hated.

  I’ve begged the staff that keeps Mom busy during the day to not let her out of their sight. They are kind and invite me to stay there with her so I don’t keep to myself so much. I don’t want to be around others though. I want to be left alone. I stay in bed except for meals. I don’t even want to leave for that because of the hatred I have to face. When will they realize I’m not consorting with the enemy anymore? When will they realize that I haven’t done anything wrong?

  The only people who want me around are the wrong people. The Kalquorians have been good to me, but they could get me killed or Mom hurt.

  I feel the judgment anytime I venture out. The urge to pass sentence. The bloody, angry need to execute.

  What do you people want from me? I’m one of you! I’m only trying to get through, to take care of my mom, to live my life. Is it because I didn’t warn anyone about Armageddon? Is this my punishment for staying silent even though I knew it could happen? Is it divine retribution? Karma?

  I can’t wait to get out of here. The next transport off Earth doesn’t leave for a month though. How am I going to get through until then? And where can I go so others don’t attack me for what I’ve done?

  September 17

  So. Glad I only drunk a glass of the wine Dus and esak brought last time I seen them. Cause I’m drinking the rest now. Thanks, my sweet baby Kalquorans boys. You’re teh best. Cheers.

  Sutpid fucking Earthers. What a bunch of assholse. You jduge me for having an innocent dinner with very nice men? For agrreing to do a speech so Kaluqornans won’t scare the shit out of you anymore? Fuck you. Yeah, I kissed a ocuple of them. Got felt up by one too. Iliked it, you stupids assholes. Kiss my ass. Who wants to eat lunch and dinner with you anyway? Like Earhters are so great. Guess what? I was raped by five of your precious Earth men. Yep. The high and mihgty children of the Almighty treated me worse than any damnd alien I’ve met. And Icouldn’t tell anybody becuase they would have put MY ass in prison for it. Would have beat me and cut me and worked me until I was dead. Fuck you all.

  I miss Dusa and Esak. I want to see them so bad. Why can’t people just be nice? Why cant we be friends? They treat us sos good and everbody’s mad becuase of Amageddown. They didn’t make the bombs go off, you idiots! Our leadeers did! They knew and they left the warheads theer to kill everyhbody!

  Fuck

  September 18

  Good God, I have such a headache. It nearly killed me to go out this morning to put Mom on the shuttle for her daycare. Just that little bit of sunlight sent blades of glass through my skull. Shalia and large amounts of wine do not mix well.

  Dusa and Esak did not message me yesterday. I guess they’ve given up. Now I really am alone.

  Why am I even doing this to myself? The other Earthers have made it clear they want nothing to do with me. A priest named Father Lucas is the only person who will sit with Mom if I’m not present for meals. So far he hasn’t said anything to upset her, and Weln has been paying very careful attention to that. But the P.T. are definitely keeping their distance, and Father Lucas stays away if I’m around.

  It’s become apparent I will remain on the outside of Club Earther. So why shouldn’t I go ahead and do the things they all think I’m doing anyway? What’s the point of being the person they demand of me if I never receive absolution for my supposed sins?

  I am tired of this. I might as well do what I want since I’ve been tried and convicted already. I’m going to message Commander Nang and let him know I’ll do the presentation after all ... if he’ll let me. I’ll spend the day working on that once more. Then after Mom is tucked in bed and snoozing away, I’m going to visit Dusa and Esak. Yes, I am well aware of what could possibly happen. No, I don’t give a fuck anymore. They make me feel good. No one else does.

  But first, I’m going to call Dr. Dad Nayun and see if he can give me something for this splitting headache.

  September 19

  Oh boy. I don’t even know where to start except to say that I had sex with Dusa!!!!!!!!! And it was amazing!!!!!!!!!

  Wow. Just wow. If I had known it could be like that, I would have run to him the first time I ever saw him. I would have flung off all my clothes and jumped on him right then and there in the middle of the street.

  Exactly as I’d planned, as soon as Mom started snoring I went out to find my sweet knight in black formsuit. I’d earlier learned where the dorm is that he and Esak are quartered. I had a bit of a walk, but it wasn’t too hot outside for a change. I wasn’t standing in a puddle of sweat when I got there, at any rate.

  I knocked on the door, at another dorm in another building reserved just for Kalquorians. Dusa answered a moment later and stared at me. His hair was wet, running like black ink down his naked chest. He wore this thing low on his hips that looked sort of like a towel made into a skirt. It only went as far as to the middle of his thighs, so I found myself looking at a whole lotta Dramok. My mouth dropped so far open I was surprised it didn’t bounce off my toes. Dusa was all muscle; damp, shiny muscle. I assume he’d just showered.

  I never saw him move. The next second I was in the room with him, and the door slammed shut behind me. His arms closed around my body, and we kissed and kissed like we were long-lost lovers.

  Between kisses, Dusa kept moaning my name over and over. “Shalia. Shalia.” He kept repeating it like he couldn’t believe I was there. Hell, I couldn’t believe I was either, but I was damned glad to be.

  He pulled at my clothes, making me all too aware of his hot, naked skin moving against mine. My blouse and skirt disappeared into thin air as if by magic. Poof! Yours truly was down to her bra and panties. The bra didn’t last long either.

  Dusa laid me on the one bed in the room. I had an instant to think about there being only one bed for two Kalquorian men, but seeing Dusa standing over me made such thoughts kind of fly away. I did manage to ask, “Where’s Esak?”

  “Still on double shifts.” Dusa looked me over and groaned. His towel s
kirt tented pretty tremendously. “Shalia,” he said for the millionth time.

  He sat on the edge of the bed. His hands settled on my upper chest, just above my breasts. He had such a warm touch. His hands slowly stroked down, moving that heat until I arched into his palms. Feeling him touch my breasts, warming them, rubbing them gently ... I’m getting wet all over again just remembering his hands on me.

  “You are so beautiful,” he whispered.

  I reached up to touch him too. I traced my fingertips over all those hills and dimples of his body, mapping muscle none of the other men I’d ever touched had possessed. His shoulders and arms and chest were chiseled as beautifully as any statue ever carved. It was a revelation. Dusa’s body was like granite, all hard with strength. Yet his skin felt as soft as velvet. I’d never touched anything so decadently sumptuous before.