Shalia's Diary

by Tracy St. John

  September 25 (late)

  Oh my God, what a crazy night. The whole Academy is now in lockdown. Let me back up and start from the beginning.

  I got to the auditorium, meeting Nang backstage. I noted where the pro vid cams are; exactly where I suggested they go. Nang assured me the men handling them practiced so they’d know how to run the things. I made myself accept that. After all, it’s just a presentation for the Kalquorians. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Still, I found myself wishing I was in control of the whole thing. I’m still a producer in my head, I guess.

  Everyone who came to watch got settled in their seats. I swear Nang went out on stage the very second everything was supposed to begin. Talk about punctuality.

  His introduction was incredibly flattering. “Kalquorians, as so many of you know, Earthers are more likely to run from us than welcome our rescue efforts. Every day, we encounter hostility from those we have so recently fought and now endeavor to rescue. We’ve had little luck in mitigating these ill feelings. Because of the problems we face, I have convinced a lovely Earther named Shalia Monroe to speak to you. This intelligent, brave woman lived under the lies of Earth. Indeed, she was forced to spread them to other Earthers because of her unequalled talents in persuasion and psychology.”

  Sheesh. If I’d been that good, I could have convinced men to stop raping me and the Holy Leader to disarm the explosives. Nang was piling it on thick, but I could understand why. The more credibility I had with this audience, the more likely they were to take my message seriously. Still, the build up was going to be hard to live up to.

  “Now she will share with you how to best combat the fear and anger Earthers – women in particular – have against our race. Some of her solutions will run counter to everything we as Kalquorian men have been taught. But you must keep an important fact in mind: she comes from a place where she knows better than we what Earther Mataras expect of us. She knows intimately what it is about us that keeps them from accepting our help. Matara Shalia, please educate us and thank you for doing us this service.”

  There was no applause as I took the stage, not like we Earthers would do in such a situation. The lights were up throughout the auditorium however, and I could see the intense interest in the faces that pointed in my direction. Lots of faces. Yipes.

  Nang bowed to me and left the stage. I stood up there all alone, in front of hundreds of dark faces and piercing eyes. Then I saw Dusa and Esak a few rows back, with Weln sitting between them. All three gave me encouraging smiles. What sweethearts. I took a deep breath, glanced down at the floor vid that had my talking points, and off I went.

  The first thing I said was, “As Commander Nang said, my name is Shalia Monroe, and before Armageddon my job was to make Earthers despise Kalquorians. I was very, very good at it.” After that opening, all my nervousness disappeared. I knew my material well; after all, I’d lived it. For the next hour I shared the workings of the propaganda machine, the way we women had been treated by the regime, and what the Church taught us about the evils of sex. I showed them vids I’d made, including the horrible one which followed the conviction of a rape victim, her torture, and finally, her death. My stomach churned anew at the old sights that had robbed me of sleep so many nights, the horrific sounds that haunted my nightmares when I did manage to slumber.

  I could tell that was the big turning point for the Kalquorians. Imdikos cried unashamed tears. Nobeks gripped the armrests of their seats, broke them in some instances, and snarled as if ready to jump into the vid image and attack the torturers.

  For my part, I was glad that at long last the woman’s execution and my recording of it had done some good. If nothing else drove home the terror we women lived under for so long, that vid did. Poor Brenda Horowitz could at long last be the example of all that had gone wrong with Earth instead of what was supposedly wrong with women. Her suffering condemned those who had condemned her. I prayed that wherever she was, she knew peace.

  I wrapped up the presentation after an hour and a half. It seemed like much less time had gone by. When I called for questions, the most pressing concern of my audience seemed to be how they could have better handled specific situations they’d encountered. They were eager to learn and to make their future approaches to Earthers as non-traumatic as possible.

  It went phenomenally well. They applauded me at the end, a standing ovation no less. It was a thrill to get the accolades, but in the end, I really hope it will help the rest of my people. Enough have died, and the more people Kalquorians and the rest of the Galactic Council of Planets can save, the better.

  I walked off the stage, buoyed by the approval of the Kalquorian audience and the sight of Nang beaming at me from the wings. The moment I reached him, he wrapped me up in his arms and kissed me like he owned me.

  “I knew you would be perfection out there,” he said as soon as he ended the possessive kiss.

  I was a gooey mess from being enfolded and embraced. But in the wake of meeting Trenu and seeing Dusa and Esak in the audience, thinking that they might even be heading backstage to greet me, I found the will to resist.

  “Nang, I’m really glad to have helped you. You know I’m attracted to you. But I am seeing Dusa and Esak. I told you I’m not comfortable being anything but monogamous.”

  He shook his head at me and smiled as if I was a child. “Their clan is incomplete. They cannot court you for clanship, Shalia.”

  I wasn’t thrilled with his condescension. “You can’t court me either. Your Imdiko and Nobek don’t want a Matara. Besides, I told you, I’m not looking for a clan. I’m having fun and taking advantage of the chance to explore my sexuality with those two.”

  Nang shrugged. “So why can’t your explorations include me? There is nothing wrong in Kalquorian society with an unclanned person enjoying many lovers.”

  I struggled to explain, because I knew full well I wasn’t making much sense. How indeed could I be testing my boundaries and also be monogamous? Still, I tried. “I know it’s absolutely crazy how I’m going about this. Still, I’m really reluctant to be with anyone besides Dusa and Esak. It just feels wrong to me. I’m sorry. I can’t get past it no matter how good it feels with you.”

  Nang’s expression told me he was completely confused. Heck, I’m confused too. A tart with morals. Go figure.

  Before we could argue the point any further, a young Kalquorian rushed up to Nang. “Commander, we’ve got an emergency. A large number of Earthers we had in custody have escaped.”

  Nang gently pushed me back as he confronted his underling. “Escaped? How?”

  “The two rival gangs started fighting each other when their guards took them into the common area for their late meal. Then when our men moved in to break it up, the groups turned on them. They worked together to overcome the guards. At least half have escaped. ”

  Nang said something in Kalquorian, and from the look on his face I guessed it wasn’t a nice word. Then he told the young man, “Take Matara Shalia back to her quarters and return my Imdiko to mine. All Earthers and non-combat personnel are on lockdown until we get this matter taken care of.”

  He took off running, shouting into his com as he went, and leaving me standing there with my mouth hanging open. His underling lost no time in hustling me back to my room. When I got there, I noted the Nobeks guarding me and Mom were gone.

  Imdiko Trenu put a finger to his lips as I entered the dorm, letting me know Mom was asleep. “Everything is okay here,” he said, preparing to leave. “Matara Eve was quiet and seemed to enjoy herself tonight. We both had a lot of fun with the knitting.” He showed me the beginning of a scarf he’d done.

  “Our guards are gone,” I whispered.

  He nodded. “A site-wide alert has gone out, recalling everyone in the hunt for those violent Earthers. Everyone else is in lockdown, so you’ll be perfectly safe. No one is allowed to roam the grounds. How was your presentation?”

  “Nang was very happy, at least until this nonsense
got started.”

  “I look forward to seeing the recording of it.”

  Trenu left soon afterwards. My escort became his to see him safely to his quarters. It’s a good thing. As big as Trenu is, he seems too quiet to deliver violence. I thought three or four Earthers could easily take him down.

  I hope they catch those gangs and no one gets hurt. It sounds to me like the whole fighting thing between the two groups was actually a ruse to get the upper hand on their guards. Apparently they were working together, and that’s pretty scary. Those people do not need to be roaming loose.

  As crazy as everything was today, I am exhausted. Now that the stress of the presentation is over, my body is ready to collapse. Sounds like a plan to me. Nighty-night, world. Shalia Monroe is out.

  September 26

  Fuck, fuck, fuck. Mom’s gone.

  I woke with the sun streaming full blazes in through the window and knew right away something was wrong even before I rolled over to see her empty bed. Of course I immediately panicked. I jumped up and went to the com unit right away, ready to call Nang and scream bloody murder. I paused when I saw the message beacon was going off. I paused, unsure if I should check it on the off chance Mom had taken herself to the rec room and someone was letting me know. I didn’t know if the lockdown remained in effect or not. So I checked it and Mom’s voice came through, loud and clear like she was in the room.

  “Hi Shalia. I know you had a busy night, so I thought I’d leave a message rather than wake you up. My friends are having another party and asked me to go, so I’m leaving for a little while. They’ll call you to let you know where we are so you can join us, so no pouting. I’ll see you later.”

  Son of a bitch. I didn’t know her poor scrambled brain could figure out how to leave a message on the Kalquorian com. Maybe her imaginary friends told her how, ha-ha.

  I commed Nang right away. I knew he probably had his hands full, but who else could I call? No doubt Dusa and Esak were under orders of some sort in the wake of the escaped gang members. They had to be in the middle of reclaiming order for the Academy, so they wouldn’t be able to help. I knew hearing Mom had gone party animal would only upset them. Besides, Nang is in charge. He’s got all the resources.

  Nang answered almost immediately. “Shalia, I don’t mean to put you off but—”

  “My mother disappeared overnight, Nang. She must have wandered off while I was asleep. You have to let me out of the lockdown to look for her.”

  He paused for only an instant. “You can’t help, little one, and I can’t lift the lockdown for you. However, I’ll get someone to go over the surveillance vids immediately and I’ll put a watch out for Matara Eve. I have a lot of men all over the site looking for the escapees, so someone will come across her. Promise me you’ll stay where you are. I’ll contact you the moment they find her.”

  Of course I wanted to run out and roam all over the place to look for her myself. And of course I knew Nang was in the right that his men would find Mom wherever she’d gone much faster. I made myself take a few breaths to steady my shaking.

  “Okay, Nang. I’ll be right here waiting.”

  “Good girl. Don’t worry. I’ll find her.”

  So here I am, taking a break from pacing a rut in the floor as I wait and worry. I nearly burst into tears when food service dropped off two breakfasts. I swear Mom, you’d damned sure get back here to eat this shit. And you’d better be okay, because dementia or not, you’re all I’ve got.

  Please be okay.

  September 26 (later)

  Nang commed. Someone took my mother away. She didn’t just wander off. They abducted her.

  According to the vid surveillance, someone came to the door just before sunrise. I slept right through the tapping on the door they did to get Mom’s attention (she was probably awake and knitting in bed by the light of a small headlamp she has, as she often does). The vid shows a person wearing a long, dark coat with a hood. It kept the person’s face shielded and covered all his clothing. We’re not even sure if it was a man or a woman. It was somebody Mom knows, because as soon as she answered the door, she smiled up at him and conversed pleasantly. There is no sound on the vid, so Nang couldn’t run a voice recognition program.

  Mom went back into the room, and the person moved almost all the way out of vid range. Only the flared hem of his coat could be seen along one edge of the vid frame. A couple minutes later Mom came out of the dorm, fully dressed and looking happy to go.

  Worse still, vid surveillance shows them leaving with two others through a hole in the perimeter fence no one knew about. Decorative shrubbery hid the opening from view. The Kalquorians only discovered it because you can see Mom and her companions duck behind a tall bush. The next moment, they’re outside the fence and heading away from the Academy.

  Nang told me they have re-captured most of the gang members. With only half a dozen still missing, he has sent out a bunch of Nobeks including Esak to track Mom and her abductor. I was so glad to hear Esak was part of the search effort. If anyone will do everything possible to find Mom, he will.

  Nang said, “The lockdown is still in effect, Shalia, so I must ask you to sit tight for a bit longer. We still have six dangerous men loose on the site, and we are also conducting a dorm-to-dorm search to figure out who else is missing that should be here. Your mother knew at least one of her kidnappers, and that person knows the Academy grounds.”

  I couldn’t help but sob as I spoke to him. “It’s all my fault for being too friendly with your people. They’ve taken Mom who knows where to punish me for my crimes.”

  “You have committed no crime, little one. The crime has been committed against you and Matara Eve. She will be found, along with those who dared to steal her away. You have my word on it. My own Nobek leads the search, and he is the best tracker I have ever known.” Nang’s voice was strong with confidence. “They will pay for making you cry, Matara. I will see to it myself.”

  About ten minutes after Nang’s com, Dusa called. “Shalia, I am so sorry to hear about your mother being taken. Esak is out looking for her with a very good bunch of trackers. They will find her.”

  I was so glad to hear Dusa’s voice. “You don’t know how much it helps to know Esak is part of the search. You can’t come see me, can you?”

  “I wish I could, if only to hold you. Right this moment I snuck away from the search we’re doing of the dorms to see if any other Earthers are missing. I have to get back right away before I’m missed. I did want you to know we are going to get Matara Eve back though.”

  I got all weepy again. All my Kalquorian friends were being so good to me. No sooner had I got off the com when Weln called, absolutely irate and frightened over Mom. As non-combat personnel, he too is under lockdown. I swear he was in tears; I could hear the catch in his voice as he begged me to let him know the instant she’s found. My Kalquorian dad Nayun also commed with his encouragement and sympathies. His lockdown is in the heavily guarded medical center. It’s good to know that – God, I hate to write this – if they find Mom hurt, Nayun will be there to take care of her.

  If good intentions could save the day, Mom would be wished right here right now. It sucks I can’t be a part of the search, but I know everyone is doing their best to get her back. As hard as it is, I have to trust in them. And pray.

  September 27

  There has been no word yet except a couple of calls from Nang and Dusa essentially telling me to hang in there. I tried to sleep last night, but couldn’t really rest. I’d doze off only to wake from nightmares. I even woke up once to discover I was looking under the beds, trying to find Mom in my sleep. I’m a wreck. I need

  Bastard! I hate Earthers!

  Apparently the lockdown is over, because there was a knock on my door that interrupted my writing. Hoping it was Mom, I ran over and threw the door open. Instead of her I saw Father Lucas, that priest that sometimes ate ... fuck, EATS with Mom.

  I refuse to write about her in past tens
e because she’s got to be okay, wherever she is.

  Anyway, Father Lucas had this really serious look on his face, and I was afraid Nang had sent him to give me bad news, like you’d typically have a priest or cop do.

  “Yes?” I asked when I could find enough breath to speak.

  He has one of those big carrying voices, which is funny for such a skinny old man. “Shalia Monroe, I have heard Eve was abducted.”

  “Yes, she has. Would you like to come sit down?” I was too relieved for words when he didn’t tell me the unthinkable.

  “I will not set foot in your den,” he intoned.

  I thought, well fine then fuck you. But I didn’t say it. Yet.

  “What do you want?” I asked. I was being rude as hell, but if Father Lucas was going to be an unhelpful dick, then I didn’t want to hear it. And if the lockdown was over, I wanted to talk to Nang right away. In the meantime, I wasn’t going to chase Father Lucas away on the off chance he had information that would help me find Mom.