A Dom and His Writer

by Xenia Melzer

  Aaron patted the younger man’s back. “You’re trying. I think that’s the most important thing right now. We have to trust that when he’s ready, he’ll come around. Until then, I do believe you need to go to school?”

  Leeland smiled, although the concern was still evident in his eyes. “Yes, I do. I’ve got work after that, so I won’t be home until midnight.”

  “That’s fine. Perhaps I can get Dean to sleep a bit.”

  Leeland snorted. “Good luck with that. See you later.”

  “HI, RICHARD. How are you doing tonight?”

  Martin sat down next to Richard at the bar, gesturing for the boy on duty to bring him a water. Richard didn’t acknowledge his partner and kept staring into his whiskey instead. He wasn’t doing well, and he knew it. The first couple of days after Dean left, Richard had found himself wandering through the apartment, looking for his boy—only to realize that he wasn’t there anymore. He missed Dean so terribly, it hurt him physically, and wasn’t that weird?

  Then he had become angry. How could Dean just walk away from him, from their life together? When Richard remembered all the cold, horrible things he had said to Dean, he became even angrier, this time at himself.

  All those warring emotions, the hurt over the loss of his boy, his fury about how things could have gone so wrong, his longing to have Dean back, his own stupid pride that prevented him from calling his boy—they chased each other inside his mind, and when it became too much to bear, he came to Whisper, like every night since their breakup, to distract himself. And there he was, sitting at the bar, unable to answer a simple question. He glanced over at Martin, who had just accepted his water from the boy.

  The big man smiled at him. “You know it’s normal to grieve after a breakup, don’t you? I mean, that’s a natural reaction, and everybody copes differently. But man, what’s wrong with you? You’ve had eight different subs on as many nights and didn’t do so much as a spanking with any of them.”

  Richard felt himself bristle under Martin’s glare. “None of them were compatible.” That was the truth.

  “Yesterday you went with Alex. He’s the definition of the word compatible, and he’s been drooling after you for years, just like the others you picked. Don’t tell me they weren’t accommodating, because I know for sure they’d do anything to get a chance at you.”

  Richard sighed and took another sip from his whiskey. There was no denying it. He was in deep shit. “You’re right. Each of them was eager, wanton, and hell yes, all of them are damn good-looking. But none of them is Dean.”

  He swished the whiskey around and watched the ice cubes bouncing. “The irony is, I always thought I had trained Dean to my liking, molded him so he met my standards. Turns out all that training went both ways.”

  Martin stared at Richard with a stunned expression. “And you only realize that now? Man, we all knew from the first time you walked in here with Dean on your leash.”

  Richard almost choked on his whiskey. Martin slapped his back until he regained his ability to breathe. “Why did you never say anything?”

  Martin shrugged. “I thought you knew. Damn, Richard, you two were so deeply in love, it made many of us gag—and jealous as hell. You and Dean, you’re magic. I’ve never seen a D/s pair like you. There are quite a lot of men here who wish for the same perfection.”

  “So you’re telling me I’m making the worst mistake of my life?”

  “If you haven’t realized that by now, there’s no helping you. Look, man, I know how hard this is for you. Your life has been completely shaken up, but when you let Dean go, you lost the one thing worth living for. I know you, Richard. You’re a hard man, a ruthless businessman and, yes, I’m aware that you have to be those things in order to keep your business going. I’m fine with that. Hell, I’m like you, and we both know it. Dean balanced you, gave you something else to focus on. He was good for you, and don’t you deny it.”

  Richard buried his face in his hands. “Damn, Martin. How do I fix this? I accused him of choosing Emily over me. I was jealous of a baby!” He paused for a moment. “And to be honest, I’m still not sure if I can handle having Emily in our life now. She has shaken us up, and all I want is to have my boy back.”

  Martin winked at him. “You just said it yourself. In your life together. If you want Dean, you have to accept Emily. They come as a package deal now. Perhaps you should see it like this—if you had met Dean when he already had Emily, would you still have chased after him?”

  Richard didn’t have to think about that. The answer came straight from the core of his being. “I would have definitely made him mine.”

  Martin patted his shoulder. “That’s all you need to know. Now go and get your boy back.”

  Richard grinned and emptied his glass. “Thanks, man. I already feel better.”

  Martin just huffed and turned his attention to the boy behind the bar. He was a gorgeous little twink, and judging by the way the two men were burning holes into each other, Martin was in for an interesting night. Richard went home.

  He had some planning to do.

  Chapter 22

  DEAN STARED at the papers Peyton had just brought him, trying to make sense of them and failing miserably. The realtor had explained it to him, but it had been a bad night with Emily, and Dean had felt himself tuning out of the conversation as soon as the word “delay” was uttered. All he understood was that he wasn’t going to move in to his new house by the end of the week as he had planned. Some complicated legal issue had come up at the last moment, and now it seemed as if he would be stuck in this purchase forever. He knew he couldn’t stay with Leeland much longer. Even though the other sub was more than understanding, his apartment was simply too small to house two grown men and an infant. It was also probably for the best to get out from Leeland’s and Aaron’s constant watch. As much as he appreciated their concern for him, he felt a bit smothered.

  It wasn’t as if he would go off the deep end if they took their eyes off him. At the moment, Leeland was out studying and Aaron had taken Emily to the playground. Dean had some much-needed time for himself. If only that didn’t scare him so much. He had already cleaned the entire apartment, gotten all the laundry done, and even changed the bedsheets. All that activity had done nothing to release the feverish energy burning inside him ever since he had walked out on Richard.

  Dean knew he was a mess. He couldn’t sleep. He felt nauseated when he so much as thought about food, and the only thing that kept him upright was the knowledge that Emily needed him.

  Tricia had needed him as well, and he had failed her. Dean was aware that his overprotective sister had wanted to spare him and that there was nothing he could have done about it. Still, it stung that Tricia hadn’t turned to him when she needed help. Had she thought he wouldn’t be able to handle her difficult pregnancy? Had she feared that he would be more of a burden than an actual help? Dean was the first to admit he didn’t do well in day-to-day life, and he was always happy when he could shut the world out. But he was a grown man who earned quite a lot of money and who could take care of those he loved. He could be strong if he needed to be, and it made his heart break that Tricia had either not seen that strength or chosen not to rely on it. Either way, she had been alone during her pregnancy and alone when she gave birth. He didn’t know if there had been somebody else in the car when she died and made a mental note to find out once he could cope a little better.

  The thought of having to spend the rest of his life without his sister hadn’t fully registered with Dean yet. Which made the pain when he was reminded of her death almost unbearable, like a wave crashing over his head and burying him underneath.

  The house he would soon own—or maybe not, according to those documents in front of him—had kept him going so far. It was the big project that ate up all the spare time he might have had otherwise to ponder his situation and despair about the drastic changes in his life. Peyton had left pretty quickly after dropping the house bombshell in
Dean’s lap, and he suspected the designer had been taken advantage of again. Unfortunately, this time it was Dean who had to pay the price.

  He tried once more to make sense of the documents in front of him. It had something to do with the current owners not being the owners of the entire house. Or was it the property? He simply didn’t understand. The idea of getting a lawyer was more than tempting.

  Then again, he didn’t like lawyers. Lawyers spoke in a language Dean didn’t care to understand, charged gigantic sums just for being available, and when things didn’t go as predicted, they always found fault in everybody else, never themselves.

  Normally he would go to Richard, and he would take care of all his problems. Dean shivered. Richard. At the thought of that name, a deep ache started spreading from his gut, radiating out through his entire body, making him wince in pain and despair. He felt as if somebody had just ripped the bandage off an open wound. His heart had been shattered into a million pieces that would never be whole again, and he just knew that nothing, nothing and nobody, could ever replace what he had lost.

  Silently the tears started falling, dripping down his chin and onto the documents in his trembling hands. Dean took one long, shaking breath and then all his dams broke.

  RICHARD WAS busy trying to figure out how to get his boy back. So far he hadn’t come up with a suitable plan. Dean was an easygoing man who never held a grudge and was quick to forgive. Richard knew that, but he refused to rely on Dean’s good nature. What he had done screamed for some serious groveling, and Richard took pride in the fact that he always owned up to his mistakes.

  Dean would not only get a heartfelt apology but also the box of chocolates, the flowers, the jewelry, and the spa trip. Nevertheless, Richard felt as if something was still missing, as if he hadn’t thought this through.

  He sat back on the couch where he had been plotting his reunion with Dean and forced himself to assess the situation once more. He loved Dean. His boy was his reason for breathing, and he hated himself for having forgotten that. And he had forgotten it because he had been jealous of a baby. He, a grown man, had only seen the inconveniencies forced onto his carefree life instead of realizing how hard it all had been for Dean.

  It made Richard wonder with whom he had been in love—his boy, or the fact that there were no problems in their life. How could he have lost his focus? Dean was the man he had planned to spend the rest of his life with. And although they had never openly talked about marriage, Richard had always known that kind of union was in their future.

  Richard realized he had been so absorbed in the perfection he and Dean had together, that he forgot what truly made a relationship stronger and kept it growing: the challenges faced side by side. Instead, he had abandoned Dean when he had needed him most. Richard wanted to kick himself. This would be his burden to carry from now on. That and the resolve to never let his boy down again.

  Propelled by a feverish energy, Richard activated the tracking app on his cell. He only hoped that Dean had forgotten about this little gimmick on his new phone. Once the app had traced Dean down to an address close to Miami Dade College, Richard got into his car.

  RICHARD CLIMBED out of his car and squinted against the sun. The building Dean was supposed to be in was an apartment block that had seen better days. It wasn’t shabby yet—for that it was too well maintained and cleaned—but it was on its way. Richard felt anger boiling inside him. This was no place for Dean to live. His boy needed a secure space where he could work without being disturbed. This neighborhood was altogether too loud. Richard checked the doorbells to see if he recognized a name. When he read Leeland Drake, he felt some of the tension in his body releasing. So Dean had been with Leeland, not on his own. Richard tried the door and when it opened, he stepped into the building. Leeland’s apartment was on the third floor, and as soon as he reached it, he had to stop for a moment to rein his nerves in.

  He would see his boy again. Richard shuddered. He would get Dean back. With trembling fingers, Richard reached for the buzzer and pressed the button. Inside the apartment, he heard a shrill sound and then the shuffling of feet. Richard straightened himself and waited.

  When Dean opened the door and Richard got a good look at him for the first time in two weeks, he couldn’t suppress a gasp. His boy had lost weight, at least twelve pounds. His skin had an ashen tone, and his eyes were red-rimmed from crying. Dean looked completely and utterly exhausted and so lost Richard wanted to hit himself. They had both worked so hard to make Dean proud of who he was, to make him self-confident and strong. All that seemed to be gone.

  “Richard, what are you doing here? If this has anything to do with us, can you come back another time? Now is not good.”

  Richard felt his heart break at the defeated tone in Dean’s voice. He had done this. It was his fault that his beloved boy was so beaten that he didn’t even get angry at seeing him. “It has to do with us, Dean. I’m here to tell you that I’m an asshole of the highest order and that I deeply regret the things I said to you. I behaved like an immature five-year-old, and I hurt you so badly, I would understand it if you’d never want to see my face again. Still I’m here, begging your forgiveness for being so insensitive and childish and jealous. I left you alone when you needed me the most, and I swear to you, if you give me one more chance, I’m going to make it up to you. So please, can we try it again?”

  Dean just stared at Richard, his eyes wide while a whole slew of different emotions flitted across his face. There was surprise, a hint of anger, sadness, despair, and, underneath it all, an insane longing, one Richard recognized as the same that was driving him.

  They looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity but couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. Finally Richard simply opened his arms. With a muffled cry, Dean threw himself into his embrace, shaking like a tree in a storm.

  Richard lifted him up, carried him into the tiny apartment, and sat down with Dean on the couch in the middle of the living room, stroking Dean’s back with soothing motions, trying to reassure him of his presence. His poor boy was all skin and bones and felt so cold it made Richard shiver.

  “Shh, boy. It’s fine. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

  Dean snuggled into Richard as if he wanted to crawl under his skin. He inhaled deeply. “I missed you so much. Everything is falling apart.”

  “I missed you too, Dean. Missed you like breathing. And I’m terribly sorry about the things I said, how I handled the whole situation. I was a poor excuse for a Dom and a bad lover.”

  Dean hiccupped, his breath starting to even out. Richard took comfort that his presence had that effect on Dean. “I’m sorry too. I should have tried to include you more, should have been more patient. You barely knew Tricia, and you had no reason to welcome Emily. I never really listened to you because I was so caught up in caring for her.”

  “You are aware that your apology makes me sound like an even bigger jerk?” Laughter rumbled in Richard’s chest and took the sting out of his words. Dean leaned back a bit to look at him.

  “You know it wasn’t meant like that!”

  Richard gave Dean a quick kiss on the nose. “I know. I’m just trying to lighten the mood a bit. You look terribly exhausted.”

  Dean chuckled. “Breaking up can do that to you.” He turned serious again. “Without you, I’m nothing. Being apart only drove that lesson home. I was devastated and so cold inside, I didn’t think I’d ever get warm again. And then, when I was at my lowest, you simply turned up at my doorstep and made it all seem like a bad dream. I’m so, so glad you came. So glad.”

  Richard pulled Dean closer again, enveloped him in his arms. “I’m glad as well, my sweet boy. Let me warm you up and chase away the sadness. And if you allow me, I want to be your Dom again. There’s nobody else for me, just you. I need you so much, and I treated you so badly.”

  Dean slung his arms around Richard’s neck. “I know how hard this is. I never wanted to corner you or make you feel like you do
n’t mean the world to me. Because you do.”

  Richard sighed as he buried his nose in Dean’s hair. He had brought this upon himself. Making Dean choose between him and Emily seemed like the single most stupid thing to do. How could he have put his precious lover in such a situation? It was he who had cornered Dean, and then he had been angry about the outcome.

  “I guess we both forgot to communicate clearly. I felt so jealous of Emily. She appeared and, all of a sudden, you changed from the Dean I knew to somebody who could run not only his life but that of his little charge as well. I felt left out and no longer needed. That’s a terrible thing to do to a Dom, you know?” Richard hated to admit this weakness, but, strangely enough, he also felt better once the words were out.

  It also helped to see the look of pure astonishment on Dean’s face. “But I do need you. I just… I could tell how much you resented having Emily in the house. I wanted to make it easier for you, to make it less of a burden. As your sub, it’s my duty to care for your needs. I know I’m not always good at it, that you do a lot for me, which is why I tried so hard to make Emily a part of our life. My efforts just didn’t seem to be enough and instead of asking, I went ahead and assumed the worst.”

  Richard nuzzled Dean’s neck with his nose, pressing little kisses on the soft skin. “Did you safeword because of that? Because you felt as if we had lost our connection?”

  “Partly, yes. But the main reason was that I was bone tired. I don’t think I would have found my subspace that night. Even if you had changed to sensual play, I would have probably fallen asleep. You really needed that night for us to bond, and I didn’t want to ruin it, and then I went ahead and did just that. I felt so, so… useless. Like a failure. As if I had let you down even more.”

  Richard closed his eyes for a moment. They’d had this conversation before, when their relationship had just started and Dean had picked his safewords. Back then, Richard had explained to Dean—as he had explained to every sub he ever played with—that using his safeword did not mean failure. That it wasn’t a reflection on his personality but a means for him to communicate with his Dom. Oh yes, they had that conversation, and then, somehow, they both had forgotten about it. He had felt as if Dean had let him down. The reasons for his feelings might have been different to the ones Dean had assumed, but the outcome was the same. It wasn’t Dean who had failed, but Richard. And as much as it hurt, he owed Dean honesty.