Season Of Passion (1980)

by Steel, Danielle

  It was a pretty road bordered with palm trees, and eventually little pastel cottages dotted the road. She was coming closer to Carmel. Nothing looked familiar yet, but her heart was pounding horribly. God, what was she doing? Why now? In two days she was venturing farther out into the world than she had in almost seven years. She had let Stu Weinberg come up to see her from L.A., and now she was going into Carmel. Such tiny acts, but they were a chink in the wall she had built. And then what? What would come next? A torrent? A flood? Or a slow trickle of the outside world over a long period of time? What if it got out of hand? What if ' she couldn't go on. She pulled the car off the road, and stopped. She was almost out of breath, and the road suddenly looked menacing instead of inviting.

  I can't. Her voice trembled as she said it, and there were tears backed up in her throat. I can't' But she wanted to. Dammit, she wanted to. For the first time in years, she wanted to see what the place looked like, what they were wearing, how their hair was done. It was crazy to care about nonsense like that. But in the town where she had made her home they were still wearing teased beehives and mini-skirts ten years past their prime on bodies thirty years past theirs. She wanted to see people who looked like people she had known. But what about all the decisions she had made, everything she had chosen? It was threatened now. She had written a book that told more than it should have, of Tom, of herself, of her life. And the damn thing was going to be splashed all over the country. Hundreds of thousands of copies, and a movie ' and '

  Bullshit She opened' her eyes wide and looked around as she eased the car back on the road. She had sold a book and a movie, she had a right to an hour in Carmel. Her face set into a mask of determination and she stepped on the gas. And suddenly things started looking familiar. Nothing had changed very much in all the years since she'd last been there. The pastel-colored cottages looked the same, the bends in the road, the quaint little hotels, and then suddenly the main tree-lined street leading right to the beach two blocks away. And along those two blocks, dozens of tiny boutiques. A few tourist traps, but for the most part they were elegant stores. A world she hadn't seen in six years. Gucci, Hermes, Jourdan, Dior, Norrell, Galanos, Givenchy ' names, labels, scarves, perfume, shoes, she saw it all as she drove slowly down the street and slid into a parking place. It felt good now. She was glad she had come. She was even smiling broadly to herself as she hopped out of the car.

  The first thing that caught her eye was an exquisite cream-colored silk suit in a shop window. They were showing it with a peach-colored blouse, and cream-colored shoes with a tiny gold chain that looped around a naked heel. She felt like a little girl again. She wanted the bride doll and the teddy bear and the doll with the stockings and the bra and ' she practically giggled as she walked into the shop. She was suddenly glad she had worn the old cashmere sweater and skirt. They had weathered well. And she had worn her long hair in a loose ladylike knot at the nape of her neck. Today, she hadn't even let it down for Tom.

  Madame? The woman who ran the shop was obviously French, and she looked at Kate with a measuring glance in her eyes. She was a small, trim woman with graying blond hair, and she was wearing a gray silk dress and a rather staggering triple strand of pearls. But Kate still remembered that side of Carmel. People dressed. Shopkeepers, restaurateurs, visitors, natives. Only the handful of artists in the area looked artsy craftsy. Everyone else looked as though they were going to Maxim's for lunch. May I help you?

  May I just look?

  But of course. The woman was gracious, and turned her attention to the latest copy of L'Officiel on her desk. Kate remembered modeling for them once. A thousand years ago. And then the suit in the window caught her eye. The woman in the gray silk dress looked up with a smile. She hadn't wanted to suggest it, but she had thought of it immediately. And then their eyes met and Kate laughed. There was laughter dancing in the other woman's eyes as well.

  May I?

  I'd love to see it on you. We just got it in.

  From Paris?

  New York. Halston. Halston. How long had it been since she'd felt those kinds of fabrics? Seen the clothes? And what the hell did it matter, dammit, except somehow ' it did. Now it did. She needed to celebrate her success.

  She grabbed three dresses and a skirt as the owner of the boutique got the suit off the mannequin with the help of an assistant. Kate was loving every minute of it, and when she tried on the suit, she loved it even more. It was made for her. The peach blouse turned her pale, delicate skin to a warm rosy blush, and her green eyes danced as she looked at the suit. It flowed over her body. The skirt was mid-calf and draped it self around her like a caress, the jacket was long and feminine and graceful. She tried the shoes on too, and she felt like a princess, or maybe even a queen. The suit was two hundred and eighty-five dollars. The shoes were eighty-six. Shameful. Sinful. And where in God's name would she wear it all? It was what she had been telling Felicia for years. Where would she use stuff like that? At the supermarket? In the car pool, taking Tygue and his little buddies to school? Bathing Bert?

  I'll take it. And in a hasty gesture she added the red wool skirt and print blouse and the high-necked, long-sleeved black dress she had tried on first. It looked terribly grown up and almost too serious, but it was so damn elegant. And subtly sexy. Sexy? That was crazy too. Whom did she need to look sexy for? Willie the Bear? What in hell was she doing? She was spending just slightly over five hundred dollars on clothes she would probably never wear. Maybe she could get away with the cream silk suit at Tygue's college graduation. But even then, only if he went to Princeton or Yale. The idea made her grin as she wrote out the check. She was going nuts. It was all that money those lunatics in Hollywood and New York were going to be paying her. It was a delicious kind of craziness though, and she reveled in it. She even added a tiny bottle of perfume, the kind she had worn years before. And it was only as she walked back to the car with her arms full of bundles that she noticed where she had parked. The hotel where she and Tom had stayed on their last visit to Carmel ' their hotel '

  Not anymore. She said it softly and looked away as she put the packages in the trunk. Maybe she'd leave them there. Maybe she'd sell them with the car. She didn't need them after all. But as she thought of them again, she couldn't wait to try on the suit again when she got home. And the black dress. Tygue would think she was crazy. She'd wait until he went to bed.

  She drove home faster than she ever had before. This time, she didn't even feel guilty. And the funniest part was that no one knew she had done anything different; no one had to know. Maybe she could even do it again. The idea made her laugh as she turned into the driveway. Right on time. She had used the extra two hours well. She waved at Tillie as she parked the car behind the house. They were busy in the garden again, and Tygue looked a lot happier than he had that morning. He waved at her frantically as he burrowed into his planting.

  Hi, love! She left the packages in the car and went to kiss him, but he was too busy. Even Bert had a new bone and was off by himself. Kate wandered happily into the house. Everything was just fine. And there was a message from Felicia, saying she'd be down for the weekend.

  And she was. She came down with three bottles of champagne, and an armload of presents. Silly presents, fun presents, things for Kate's desk, for her house, for her room, and then from the bottom of the bag of goodies she handed Kate a small silver-wrapped box.

  Not another one! Kate was still laughing, but Felicia's face had grown quiet and serious and there was a look of tenderness in her eyes. Oh Jesus, something tells me this one's for real.

  Maybe so.

  There was a small neat card stuck into the ribbon of the silver box. Kate opened the card carefully, and read it as tears filled her eyes. To the lady with the golden heart, all you need is courage. The Cowardly Lion discovered that he had the courage all along. All he needed was a medal to remind him of it. You are hereby reminded that you are not only brave, but able and good and wise and much loved And it was sig
ned The Good Witch of the North. Kate smiled through her tears.

  From The Wizard of Oz?

  More or less

  Kate opened the package, and inside, on a blue velvet lining in a red satin box, was a gold watch with a watch chain. It was like a man's, except that the watch was in the shape of a heart, and as Kate turned it over, she saw that on the back was inscribed For courage, for valor, with love Kate held the watch tightly clasped in one hand and threw her arms around Licia in a tight, crushing hug. And Licia hugged back. It was a hug Kate had longed for so badly, from someone who would tell her that everything was all right

  What can I say? The tears trickled down her face.

  Just say you'll be a good kid and give yourself a chance. That's all I want for you. For a minute, Kate almost wanted to tell her about the shopping spree in Carmel. But she couldn't. Not yet

  I'll try. Hell, with a watch like that, I almost feel like I have to. Licia, I'd be lost without you.

  No, you wouldn't. You'd relax, and nobody would bug you anymore. It would be heavenly.

  Horseshit

  They both grinned at each other and talked about the book and the contracts and the store. For Kate the romance of success was just beginning. They finished the bottle of champagne just after 4 A.M., sleepily said good night, and went to their beds.

  It was a cozy wonderful weekend. Kate wore the new watch pinned to her favorite tee-shirt the next day. They had a picnic, and then took Tygue to the Adams ranch, where all three of them took out horses and rode over the hills. On Sunday, Licia slept late, while Kate took Tygue to church, and they had a leisurely lunch on the grass after they got back. It was five o'clock before Licia even started to think of leaving. She was lying on the warm grass, looking up at the sky, holding Tygue's hand, and trying to fend off Bert.

  You know, once in a while, Kate, I can understand why you love it here.

  Mmmm. Kate's mind had been a thousand miles away, but she smiled at her friend.

  It's so goddamned peaceful.

  Kate laughed at the look on her face. Is that a complaint or a compliment?

  Right now a compliment. I really hate to go back. And it'll probably be several months before I can come down again. Kate was looking straight at her as she said it, and there was a strange look in Kate's eyes. Something wrong? Felicia had never seen that look before.

  Just thinking.

  What about?

  Some stuff I've got in the car.

  So? She wasn't making any sense.

  What are you doing tomorrow, Licia?

  Oh Jesus. Don't ask. I've got three meetings before lunch, we're coordinating all the fall shows, and the whole winter look.

  And then?

  What do you mean and then'? Kate was making her nervous. What the hell was she getting at?

  Are you busy for lunch?

  No. Why? Can I do something for you?

  Yeah. Kate was grinning now. She just sat there and laughed at Felicia. To hell with it. As a matter of fact, Miss Norman, there is something you can do for me.

  What?

  Take me to lunch

  But I have to go back, you dummy. Felicia sat up now too. And she was smiling, but confused. It was just a silly Sunday.

  I know you have to go back. Ill go with you.

  To San Francisco? Felicia was grinning broadly now too, with a look of astonishment on her face as Kate nodded.

  Yeah. What the hell.

  Felicia threw her arms around her friend and the two women exchanged a ferocious hug of joy, as Tygue watched wide-eyed, with a look of dismay.

  Who'll stay with me?

  Kate looked over at him in surprise, and drew him into the hug, Tillie, sweetheart. And maybe one of these days I'll take you to San Francsico too.

  Oh. But he didn't look impressed, and in a moment Kate left him with Licia. She had things to do. Tillie to call ' things to get out of the car and pack ' things to do. San Francisco. It had been six and a half years.

  Hallelujaht She could hear Felicia shouting as she walked into the house with a wide grin and her arms full of the clothes she'd bought in Carmel. Kate was going to town.

  Chapter 11

  They had driven along in silence for almost an hour, after the initial excitement and bursts of conversation. They were already more than halfway there, and Kate had just noticed her turnoff in Carmel. Felicia had noticed it too.

  Kate?

  Hm?

  It was dark in the car, but Felicia could see her pro file as she glanced over. She looked no different than she had six and a half years before when Felicia had driven her down to her retreat. If she had known then how long Kate would hide there, she would never have agreed to find her the house.

  What's bugging you, Licia? Kate turned to her with a quiet smile.

  What made you change your mind?

  I don't know that I have, on the whole. I just' oh damn. I don't know, Licia. Maybe this crazy thing with the book has thrown me off. I was so damn happy with my life down there, in the hills. The kid, the dog, all of it

  Bullshit.

  Kate glanced over at her sharply. You don't believe me?

  No. I think you've been bored for a long time. You wouldn't admit it to me, but I think you knew it You can't bury yourself alive like that. You have a whole fantasy life in your books, but that's not real and you know it. You're young, Kate. You need people, places to got trips, men, clothes, success. All of it. You gave up too soon. Tom had his big time. He lived, it, he enjoyed it while it lasted. I think that if he ' if he were still the same, it would kill him to see you locked up like some old woman. You're not Tillie for chrissake. Anyway, you've heard ail that from me before. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a speech.

  Kate was still smiling in the darkness. I'd think you didn't love me anymore if you stopped doing that. Anyway, in answer to your question, maybe you're right. Maybe I did know I was bored. Bored isn't really the right word, though. I like my life. I just' ail of a sudden I just got hungry for more. I wanted to see people. Real people. Friday, when I went to see Tom, it was kind of a lousy day and I left early. And for no reason at all, I just got the itchies and drove into Carmel.

  You did? Kate nodded with guilty pleasure. You little wretch. You didn't say a thing. What did you do?

  Spent a fortune. Kate's cackle made Felicia grin.

  On what? I'm dying to know.

  Ridiculous stuff. Clothes. Nothing I need. Jesus, I don't even know where I'll wear them. Or rather, I didn't know where I'd wear them till tonight. Maybe that's why I decided to come up to the city with you. To wear my new clothes. She was only half teasing. She still wasn't entirely sure herself why she'd come. Except that there was this new little demon in her that was beginning to shout Go! Move! Live! Dream! Spend! Be! And then she had a sobering thought. Do you think it's an awful thing to do to Tygue? Her eyes loomed large in the darkness as Felicia glanced over at her.

  What, go away for a couple of days? Don't be ridiculous. Most parents do it all the time. It'll do him good.

  Maybe I should have taken more time to prepare him.

  You'd just have backed out. Kate nodded silent agreement and lit a cigarette.

  It seemed only moments later when Felicia looked over at her with a smile. Are you ready?

  For what? Kate looked vague and then suddenly she realized what Felicia meant. She had been so engrossed in her own thoughts that she had missed the first landmarks. They were nearing it now.

  They were already past the airport. Yes. She was ready. Another two miles, and the freeway rounded the last obscure bend and there it was. Kate sat in silence, smiling slowly, as tears filled her eyes. It was home. No matter how long she stayed away. It was home. The skyline was a little taller, a little more jagged, but in essence it was the same. San Francisco was a city that never changed that much. It always kept the integral part of its personality intact And its beauty. The TransAmerica spire pointed sharply into the air from downtown. And suddenly Kate al
lowed herself to think of places she had blotted from her mind for years. The tree-lined streets of Pacific Heights, the little Victorian houses, the yacht club on a summer's night, the Marina on a Sunday morning, the majesty of the Presidio, the sweep of the Golden Gate Bridge, and all the tiny hiding places she had shared with Tom. Just seeing the skyline, as Felicia raced toward the city, brought back a thousand memories she had long since put away in musty old trunks. Now she held them in her hands and they smelled faintly of old familiar perfume. She rolled down the window and let the night air whip her face.

  It's chilly. The fog must be in. Felicia smiled at her and said nothing. Kate really didn't want to talk. She wanted to watch and listen and feel. They were already on the oft ramp into the city.

  They were on Franklin Street heading north toward the Bay. As the car crested the hills, you could see the lights twinkling on the other side of the Bay. Even the traffic looked sophisticated. Jaguars and Mercedes and Porsches hobnobbing with vans and VWs and an occasional motorcycle zooming by. Everything seemed to be moving very quickly, and everything looked bright and alive. It was ten o'clock on a Sunday night

  Felicia turned right on California Street, and a block later they found themselves following a cable car up the hill as Kate started to laugh.

  Oh God, Licia, I'd forgotten. I love this town. It's all so pretty. Felicia wanted to stand up and shout. Victory! She was back. Maybe she'd even come back for good.

  Felicia swooped carefully around the cable car at the top of Nob Hill, and Kate fell silent again as she took in the sober splendors of the cathedral, the Pacific Union Club, the Fairmont and the Mark, and then they were speeding down the other side of the hill into the financial district, with the Ferry Building straight ahead. And Kate was laughing again.

  Okay, Licia. Confess. You did this on purpose, didn't you?