by Tara Brown
I nod at him and walk away.
Will jogs up. “Carry the meat, Em.”
I give him a sideways glance. “What?”
“Let them know you caught it.”
I look at the camp of people. “Screw them. I don’t need their help, and I don’t care what they think of me. They don’t need to like me. I like that they fear me.” It isn’t all true, but I want it to be.
I turn and stalk off for the water. I need to clean up. I hardly even touched the dead deer, but I’ve never felt dirtier. I think it might be Will.
When I get to the water, I see Jake... of course. He's swimming and floating, enjoying himself. I want to be angry that he isn't being useful, but then he swallows some of the water and makes a face like Leo does when he's trying to get something out of his mouth. I bet he's swallowed a water bug.
When he sees me, he doesn't realize I just saw him being all goofy. He gives me his sexiest smirk. “You back for more skinny dipping?”
I make a noise that says no, but I don't answer him.
He lowers his gaze and makes a disgusted face, drawing my eyes down to the thickened blood dropping from my knife.
I grin until he hops out of the water. Then I swallow, seeing him without his shirt on, sitting on the rocks in a pair of dark-blue shorts that used to be pants. His body is dripping water. I watch it run down his tanned and filled-out chest. He looks better than when I met him, not so skinny. The eating and resting looks good on him.
He shakes his head like Leo does to get the water off; it makes the funny feeling in my stomach go away.
I drop my bow and carry my bloody knife to the water. When I drop to my knees to rinse it off, I swear I can still feel him staring at me. It makes me want to run away, but there's something I wanna know.
I glance at him. “Why didn’t you tell me about it all before? Why'd you wait?” I don’t need to specify. He knows what I’m talking about.
He makes an awkward face. “Em, this is a bizarre situation. I honestly thought he'd told you. I thought I was last to find out. Not to mention, he’s my brother. I didn’t even know Star’s name when he was with her. Back then, I liked you and I thought you liked me. We spent those couple weeks at the cabin, both laid up. I'd never really talked to many girls my age so I thought it might just be us flirting. But between the time at the cabin together and then on the run, I sort of got the impression you wanted to be mine. I know it was dumb, but I did."
I feel like I should apologize, but I'm not sorry. I liked him. I felt it the minute I met him.
He sighs and rubs his hands through his wet hair. He looks at me with his sweet eyes and shakes his head. "Everything's changed. It did the minute everything went crazy, and then crazier. I saw the way you looked at him when you'd chosen him. I figured it was because he could keep you safe. Girls don't choose guys like me. You and Anna are still saving my ass.”
I glance up at him and continue to scrub my knife. “I don’t need anyone to protect me, Jake. I was doing fine on my own before you all came along.”
He picks a branch up from the rock next to him and sighs, smacking it against the rock. “Why’d you help us if you regret it so much? Why’d you let us in after being alone for so long?”
I feel a strange thickness in my chest. It’s heavy, like I can't breathe through it. I shake my head. I sit there for a second and try to find an answer.
Finally I look at him. “I don’t have a reason. I just saw Anna’s face, and the way she was ready to die for you, and I knew she was a person that needed to be saved. I think the world is short on people like you, Anna, Sarah, and Meg. Every town I’ve been to and every group of people I’ve come across is filled with assholes. Men who take things ‘cause they want them and women who would cheat you to be sure you get hurt before they do. I can't bear the thought that people like them, Marshall, and my father get to live and be happy, but someone as beautiful as Anna might die. The minute I saw you both, I didn’t want you to die.”
He whistles. “Sometimes you open your mouth and stun the shit outta me.”
I laugh. "Shut up." It makes the heavy feeling in my chest go away. He always makes it lighter.
I drop the knife and pull my outer shirt off. I don’t care that he’s looking. I pull down my pants and kick off my boots. Turning away from him, I dive into the cold water in my tank top and underwear. Breaking the surface of the flat glass-like lake is a stunning feeling. The heat of the day was intense. Even in the mountains, we can’t get a breeze or a cool off.
I hear his splash as I surface.
“When are we leaving here?” he asks as he swims past me.
I shake my head. “You’re not leaving. You gotta go back to the cabin and take care of Sarah and Meg. I think something is up with Mary.”
He gives me a look. “Nice try. When are we leaving here?”
I shake my head as I tread water. “No, you can’t come. It’s going to be dangerous. I don’t even know what we’re doing. We have no real plan. All we have is the need for vengeance mixed with hatred.” It’s a line from a book I read a long time ago. A line I never thought made sense in the world. I never got vengeance before; I always took the coward’s path.
He splashes me. “You have got to stop reading so much. It makes you sound like you give a shit.”
I feign a hurt look, “I do.”
He swims in a circle around me, “I know you do, but no one is going to believe the mean-ass look on your face if you’re spouting some romantic-sounding crap at them.”
A laugh slips from my lips before I could stop it. I lay on my back and watch the sky start to darken.
“Where did you go with that bloody knife anyway? Did you kill someone?”
“Yup.” I chuckle and look up as the water covers my ears, making my voice sound funny in my head. “I went hunting. I love late-in-the-day hunting. The deer are lethargic and tired from the heat. Everyone always wants to do the morning hunt but the deer are like us. They wake up refreshed and ready for the day.”
I don’t look to see if he’s listening or caring. He isn’t ever going to hunt. It’s just something my dad once told me. He always did a night hunt.
After a long time of no talking, I look at him. “Tell me something you remember.”
He floats closer. “I remember I had a game where I was supposed to build something or maybe tear down buildings. Me and Will could play together on our iPods. He liked to pretend he didn’t play when older people were there, but if it was just me and him, he was hounding me. I remember summer watermelon, so juicy it ran down my face when we were eating it. Dad said they used to have seeds. Big ones too. He said that when he was little, he believed if he swallowed the seeds they’d make a tree and he would die as it grew. I remember songs on the radio. Mom would turn it loud and we’d sing at the top of our lungs. I remember there was a girl named Becky in my class who made my stomach hurt the way you do.”
My eyes are watering. I don’t look at him. I just whisper, “I remember sitting in the cabin and wondering if I was all alone. If the whole world had died and left me behind. I remember seeing my first infected. I had run and scrambled up a tree. I sat up there for so long, and he wouldn’t leave. A man came and he shot the infected, but I still wouldn’t leave the tree. I peed my pants sitting in that tree. I stayed until I was sure he was gone… but he wasn’t. He chased me but I was faster. That was the first time I discovered that just because it feels safe, doesn’t mean it is.”
His hand covers mine, and we just float in the silence of the darkening sky.
“You won't ever forgive him, will you?”
I shake my head. “No. Not the way he needs me to.”
“He loves you.”
I nod. “I know.” I look over at him and tread water. “I never imagined any of this was possible. It’s better than I hoped for. It’s better than I deserve. But it’s also too short to waste on not ever knowing if he’s lying to me again.”
He splashes wate
r at me. “Don’t be so mean.”
I grin. “I was raised by wolves. What do you expect?”
He laughs and I feel like everything is going to be okay again. I never should have let my attraction to them become something more than my friendship with them.
The sky starts to darken more and when I look up, I see Anna and Bernie walking down the path. My inner alarm sounds off but I have to stop it. I know he’s a good guy. I know he would never hurt her. He’s not like the rest of them.
Anna strips to her bra and underwear, diving in.
I look at the disgusted look on Jake’s face and smile. Bernie waves at us. “Hey guys.”
I wave but Jake doesn’t. He looks annoyed.
“What’s your problem with Bernie?” I mutter softly.
He looks back at me. “He likes Anna.”
I nod. “I know, but when I told him she was seventeen, he seemed upset by it. He doesn’t want anything to happen until she’s older. He is a good guy, genuinely.”
His eyes narrowed. “You sure?”
I nod. “Yup. It’s Allan we need to keep an eye on. That guy’s a pervert. I’m going to kill him with my bare hands if I get the chance.”
Jake laughs nervously. “You’re so small, and yet, so scary.”
I point at him. “Don’t forget it. You’re staying here when we leave.”
He reaches for me with one of his bear-paw hands. “Don’t think so.” I try to swim away but he dunks me.
I swim away and float on my back as Anna swims up. She whispers, “I see you give Bernie that look again, and I will cut you in your sleep.”
I shake my head and whisper back, “I never gave him a look. I like Bernie. I’ll like him even more when you’re twenty.”
Her face grows dark. “Emma, I like him now, and I’m not waiting three years to be happy. I know what I want, and I could die tomorrow. It’s my life.”
I swim closer. “You do anything with him now and I will kill him.”
She leans in, almost growling with her whisper, “I’ll kill you first.”
I laugh ‘cause she is the only person in the world who I consider a match. “Don’t push me; I have Jake and Will on my side.”
She bats her eyelashes. “Don’t bet on it.” I know they both kowtow to her with that sweet face and nasty whisper. She swims to Jake. I see his face darken at whatever she’s saying. She looks like she’s crying and he stops looking angry. She bats those lashes and whispers, and he softens completely back to friendly Jake.
“Cheating little brat,” I whisper, watching the display. Jake wraps an arm around her as Bernie slips into the water.
He paddles over to me like he might not actually know how to swim. “Wow, this is still really cold. How’s it still so cold?”
I shake my head and try not to look like I might murder him any second. “Snowmelt from up the mountain maybe?” Before I can ask him more questions, the teenagers come. They’re between Anna’s and my age and rowdy as hell. They dive in, pushing and shoving and joking.
Bernie sighs. I share his sentiment.
The calm water becomes choppy as they hoot and holler.
“Hey, it’s you.” One of them sees me and swims over. “I dunked you last time, remember? Mark.” He’s closer to my age and has a scar along the side of his face.
I nod. “Hi.”
He treads water near me. “You really that girl who everyone says is a monster?”
“Yeah.”
He grins. “You don’t look like a monster to me.”
A female voice interrupts us, “You haven’t seen her take down a whole breeder farm single handedly.”
I turn to see a girl my age. She beams as she continues. “She saved my ass. Dragged me from the pool as the roof was collapsing on us.”
I shake my head. “It wasn’t collapsing. We had time to get out.”
Her bright eyes flash. “No, it was unsteady.” She turns to Mark again. “Then she ran us through a field with a wolf, and he attacked whatever was left after she used two handguns to shot everything that moved.”
I roll my eyes. “I wasn’t alone.”
Mark laughs. “You are badass. No wonder the old people are scared of you. I heard they have a name for you in the towns. Some kind of bird or something.”
I sigh. “I did what anyone would have done, and I wasn’t alone. There was a whole team of people, and Leo is like five men.”
The girl nodded. “Yeah, that sexy guy, Will, was there. Him and Mitch, the sniper guy. Hey, if you know Will and Mitch, can you introduce me?”
Mark shoved her. “What am I—chopped liver? I got something I can introduce you to.”
I’m sure I look stunned. “I gotta go.” I swim to the rock and climb out. I don’t know which clothes are mine. There are piles of them. The fading light of the day makes it hard to see.
I look back at the huge group of kids, people I consider kids but are my age, and shake my head.
“What the hell is wrong with them?” Anna whispers to me, “They act like the world never ended. It’s like the Sweet Valley High books I read at the cabin. I expect these idiots to drive away in one of those cars with no roof and go shopping at a mall.” She sighs. “We need to come earlier so we can swim without them.”
I look at her, “I won't touch Bernie. You’re already at least ten-years older than these people. They have no clue what’s out there in the world. I can’t even imagine you dating a guy like that.”
She looks at them and shakes her head. “They never leave this group. They stay, making a life, and that’s it. They’ve been with them since the beginning.”
I nod. “What if this group doesn’t last forever? None of them has a clue. They’re like the grasshopper who played all summer.”
She gives me a confused look and pulls on her shirt, passing me mine.
Bernie climbs out. “We’ll have to come earlier tomorrow to avoid that.”
Anna grins at him.
Jake doesn’t climb out. He fits in but watches me go.
That’s the difference between us. He is a grasshopper too. I’m the ant who would save him, no matter what the circumstances.
I leave for the tent, holding my clothes, knife, bow, quiver, and boots. The warm, night air is considerably-less intense than the last time I was here.
I walk up the path alone and distracted. At the top, a pair of yellow eyes meets me on the trail. I grin when I see them, but they don’t lose any of their worry and annoyance in the dim light.
I put a hand down. “I knew you’d come.” Seeing him gives me a bad feeling. He’s here for something, and it makes me think about my dream. He makes a sound and walks over to nudge me. I run my fingers through his fur and hold his face up. “You okay? What about Meg and Sarah? Are they okay?”
He doesn’t whine. He just gives me a deadly stare, like I’m in trouble for leaving him behind, or just leaving altogether.
He turns and walks up the path with me. I pull on my clothes when I get to a small fire. The lady standing next to it gives me a look.
I hate it here.
I wanna be alone and never see any of these people again.
Anna loops an arm into mine as I finish pulling on my boots. “Let's go to the big fire.” She gives the glaring lady a homicidal look and drags me off. Leo nudges her. She whispers a bunch of things to him. He makes his sloppy wolf face but then gives me another angry look. She laughs in a high-pitched and nearly-silent chuckle.
“Why do I get the impression these people all still hate you?”
I look back at Bernie who’s caught up with us. “‘Cause they do.”
He looks confused. “You are the last person I could ever be prevailed upon to hate.”
I shake my head. “Sometimes you talk funny, Bernie.”
He gives me an amused look. “It was a compliment.”
We walk to the big fire. It’s a huge bonfire again, like last time, only the night isn’t as cool, so the heat feels more intense.
Leo sits at my feet. He doesn’t lie down, though. He senses my discomfort and stays alert. I run my fingers through his fur and hope he can calm down. I'd hate for him to eat someone out of nervous behavior.
Bernie sits beside me and Anna sits next to him, damn near on him.
He moves over, closer to me.
I lean in and whisper, “I trust you, Bernie. Don’t make me not trust you. I won't interfere with you and Anna, and I won't let the boys either. Just don’t be creepy, please.”
He gives me a sheepish look. “She kissed me, Em. I told her she was too young.”
I nod. “She’s crazy like that.”
Anna shoots us a look and whispers savagely, “I like you, Bernie. I like you, Em. Don’t make me hurt either of you.”
Bernie swallows hard but Anna takes his hand and cradles it in her lap.
The world is full of perverts and bad people; Bernie is not one of them. He gives me a look. I actually feel like he’s the one about to be victimized. I fight a laugh and lean in to whisper, “If you like her, I suggest you get comfortable with her. She’s nuttier than squirrel poo, and you don’t stand much of a chance at getting away. She’s got a deadly shot and uncanny instincts.”
He laughs. “Why do I feel like the woman in the relationship?”
Anna gives him a grin, like telling him he is.
In the dim light and the sparks in the air that light it up like fireflies, I see him.
He makes my stomach tighten.
He carries a guitar and sits in the same spot as last time, on the opposite side of the fire. I can’t see him. But I can hear him instantly.
He and a girl start with a song he sang last time.
Leo starts to mellow out and lies at my feet. Bernie moves closer to Anna. The fire consumes my focus. My gaze is locked and my heart is lost in the broken rasp of his voice and guitar. The girl he sings with sounds sweet compared to him.
Jake walks up and sits down by Will. When he sits, I no longer see him, but I hear him.
I see a guitar passed over and hear when it starts to be played with Will’s.
The music is enough. It’s more than enough. If we never have anything but this as an extra, surviving the struggles, the hunger, the filth, and the fear, I wouldn’t care. The music is like blowing up a balloon at a party, but the air is going into my heart. I feel fuller.
