by Tara Brown
Anna nuzzles into Bernie and I see them, they suit each other so much. The flickers of the fire lights up the relationship going on between them. It’s further along than Bernie wants to admit. In the flashes of light, I see another set of eyes watching them.
Star.
She smiles at me. I see something in her eyes. I can’t help but wonder if mine look the same.
Neither one of us fits in; they just don’t know that about her yet. I want to hate her, for the worst and most petty reason in the world, and yet I can’t. I feel sorry for her in the way I want to feel sorry for myself.
We weren’t born to be like these people. We’ll always sit outside the circle.
The song ends, and they start to sing the one I remembered Will talking about. The one with the Heys and Hos by their dad’s favorite band. The song sounds amazing. Will’s voice is sexy on its own, but combined with the other two and the sound of the crackling fire, I have the strangest sensation inside of me. I don’t even know where it is exactly. It’s like it moves around and changes things. My heart skips beats and speeds up. My stomach is in a knot, like the infected have surrounded us and I don’t have anywhere to run. I feel a sickening loss of control.
I stand abruptly and walk away from the fire. The whole group starts singing with them. The voices get quieter as I walk away, and I think I might have left my heart at the fire.
Leo nudges me.
I can't see his face, but I bet he looks confused. I know I am. I crunch and nearly stumble to the far side of the camp as the song ends. He creeps into the woods ahead of me.
I need to leave.
It dawns on me suddenly.
I don’t belong with them. The song was saying something about belonging, and I don’t. That’s the pain and the discomfort. I won't ever be like them, and they won't ever survive me. Only Leo and Star will ever make it through what we are. I feel the fire and the singing and the camaraderie tricking me and pulling me into the falseness of this place. I've spent ten years staying alive, and in the few months I've known them, they are ruining the things I was doing right.
Not to mention, I’m dragging them all into my problem.
Mine and Star’s.
I lean against a tree and look back at the group; I need her to come with me. I need to keep Anna and Jake safe. I want to hunt alone, but my sister needs to come clean up with me.
“You alright, kid?”
I jump and glance over at the figure standing next to me. “I’m fine.”
Jack walks up and leans against a tree next to me. “You seem edgy.”
I grip my bow. “You just surprised me; that’s all. I need your help.” I don’t want to ask, but it makes sense.
He folds his arms across his chest. “Shoot.”
I swallow. “Can you tell them all I went back to the old cabin ‘cause I forgot something and Leo was acting weird?”
“That where you’re headed?”
Watching his eyes glint in the dark makes me feel like he knows I’m lying. I nod once. “Yup.”
“Why don’t you tell them?”
Sighing and pushing off the tree I growl, “Forget it, then.” I stalk off into the woods. I wish I could head back to the cabin and get Meg. She’s about the only one I trust with me. The kid is a savage and filled with ruthless common sense. But leaving Sarah with Mary is a bad plan and dragging her with me to kill Marshall is an even worse idea.
I grip the bow and make my way out of the camp. I whistle when I reach the tree guards and start to run with Leo, trying desperately not to trip and fall. When I make it to the bottom of the hill, I hang a right. Instead of going to the cabin, I go for the farmhouse down the mountain.
Will is going to act like a crazy man, but if we hurry, I can be done the whole thing before he catches up to me. If I mess with the whole plan, that isn’t really a plan, maybe I can keep them all safe.
Leo and I don’t talk. We run like we used to. The months that have gone by haven’t changed me completely. It feels like they’ve tried to but I’m still best with me and Leo. No matter what.
I’m pretty sure I’m lost, which is pretty hard since all I have to do is run down a hill, but I don’t have a clue where I am until I hear the river. I run along it until I get to the field. Leo drinks when we reach the first place I recognize. I can't see anything; it’s too dark. I listen to the wheat dancing and swaying, but without seeing, I’m going in blind. Leo goes first, staying low along the field until we reach the meeting tree. Then he circles the tree. I swing my bow and arrows over my shoulder and climb up into it. The familiar bark and the smell in the air hasn’t changed in a decade.
I almost stroke the bark. It was the first tree I ever climbed, and I would hate for it to be the last, but that would be like the books I’ve read. It’s called something….irony. It would be my own type of irony. I don’t think I ever had any before, besides Will being Jake’s brother. That was like God laughing at me. Jake was like seeing magic in the real world. It was an instant attraction, but meeting Will was like an animal magnetism that I can't explain. I still feel it.
I sit on my branch and wait.
The moon isn’t out. I think it doesn’t want any part of what I’m about to do. The night is extra dark, and the wind feels like change is coming. There’s freshness in it that we don’t ever get in the summer months. I close my eyes and let it wash over me as I listen for sounds of bad things.
My hair blows in my face and the wheat dances, and just as I’m about to climb down, I hear it.
I freeze.
I don’t pull an arrow, even though the thought flutters about in my mind like a moth’s wings outside of a lantern.
My breath is caught in my throat when I hear it again.
“EMMA!”
How the hell did he do it?
Not breathing or moving, I wait for it. He’s going to come, and it’s not going to be pretty.
I’m panicking when he gets really close and the light from a flashlight is bouncing around the ground.
I don’t see Leo; that’s bad. I don’t know what to do… climb down and save Will from whatever Leo has planned, or stay up in the tree and avoid whatever wrath I have created inside of that man.
His loud steps and shouts are making me sweat. Not because he’s going to kill me, which is obvious, but because he’s going to draw the infected. I still hate them.
The light fixes on my face. I put a hand in the way to stop it from blinding me.
Something scary happens. He’s silent for a minute and then he mutters, “Get out of the tree or I’ll come get you out.”
I almost shout back but I know he’ll do it. Whatever he’s going to do on the ground is going to hurt less than if he does it in the tree.
I take a breath and climb down. I’m ready with my bow when my feet get to the last branch. He doesn’t wait for me to touch the ground. His hand lashes out, grabbing my arm and dragging me from the last branch. He wraps himself around me. I can feel him shaking, but he doesn’t move. He just whispers into my neck, “You scared me.”
I don’t have a response. I was ready to shoot him or let Leo eat him or just live in the damn tree till he wasn’t mad anymore.
But he isn’t mad.
He’s loving in his twisted way. His huge body is wrapped around me, hugging me tight and bent over top of me for good measure. I can’t even breathe.
He pulls me back, giving me an intense look. I look down at his flashlight on the ground, shining off to the right, where suddenly Jack’s voice comes from, “Uhhh, Emma. Your friend.”
Will lets go of me and grabs the flashlight. He points it at Jack, who is held against the tree by a still-silent Leo.
I whistle softly. Leo growls at him once and pushes away. He circles him and then trots to my side.
I rub my hands through his fur. He didn’t attack Will. I don’t know what that means. The man dragged me from a tree like a psycho, and Leo let him.
Jack grins in the light. “Th
at’s some wolf.”
I cross my arms, glaring at him. “What the hell, Jack?”
Will talks over top of us, “He has common sense. He wasn’t going to let you walk off alone, Emma.”
I give him a look. “I was just coming for supplies.”
He snorts. “I wasn’t born yesterday, Emma. I know why you came.”
I glance at Jack and turn away. “You two can go back.”
Will doesn’t grab my arm. He walks behind me though. My skin is tensed, waiting for it. I’m going to punch him in the balls if he grabs me. My dad always said to never hit a man there unless you mean it. Well, I’m gonna mean it.
But he doesn’t grab me.
He follows me to the field.
Leo looks up at me. I nod. He slips into the field. I crouch, following him in. The strands of wheat scratch against me, and I make the sound I always listen for when I’m hiding, the difference in the wind.
When I get to the other side, I climb a tree and listen. The night is dark, except for a lantern I see coming across the field. Jack seemed smarter than to use a lantern. I sigh and climb down, but Jack is at the bottom of the tree next to me with Will and Leo. I pull an arrow. “Someone’s behind us.”
Will gives me a look that I’m glad I can barely see in the dark. “That’s Jake, Anna, and Bernie. Oh—and Star.”
I sigh again. “Well, shit.”
I turn and start my angry hike to the bad camp where I am going to murder Marshall, if he happens to be there. If he’s not, I’m going to hunt him to the ends of the earth. I blame him for Anna’s sickness. I blame him as much as anyone, including myself.
“Why you doing this now? We had a plan and a team.”
I ignore him and continue up the hill. Fingers bite into my arm as I swing around, ready for a fight. Instead of him, I see Anna’s angry, sweaty face. My anger falls away when she looks at me and whispers, “You bitch. You left me. You swore you would never leave me and you did.”
I swallow and shake my head. “I can't risk you getting hurt, not again.”
She slaps me hard and shoves me back. Her whispers get lost in the ringing in my ears. I take the minute I need to stop the rage. Everyone is tense, waiting for me to react. I growl and shove her back. “I can't hear you when you get mad.”
She swings for me but Will grabs her; she kicks at me. I start to laugh. “We’re gonna get eaten by something at this rate. We aren’t going to find Marshall if we die.” I look at Leo. He’s panting next to Jake like he’s watching us fight for sport. He just let Anna hit me.
Anna points at me and whispers something else I don’t get. I don’t really need to; I can tell it isn’t good.
Will translates, “She said if you take off again, she’s gonna break your legs.”
I shout at them all, “Fine, but when Jake gets us killed, or Will sleeps with the wrong man’s daughter, or Bernie snivels about the hiking, don’t say I didn’t try to keep you outta this.” I turn and start back up the hill. “Assholes.”
Leo nudges me. I don’t even run my fingers through his fur. I look down and mutter, “Don’t suck up. You’re on the shit list too.” It was one of Granny’s favorite sayings. I get it now. I imagine she’s laughing in heaven. “None of you all listen.”
I grip my bow and my pulled arrow and hike harder than I should. I know the pace I can sustain for a twelve-hour hike. This isn’t it.
My legs are burning when the sun comes up. I hear Bernie start to complain but Anna shuts him up. I grin and push my legs harder. It’s a stubborn, asshole thing to do, but I guess that’s my role—the loner who makes everyone miserable.
We get to the guards in the trees without even taking a break or sleeping overnight, like we normally do when we hike this same trail. The midday sun is burning the flesh right off of me. I don’t like to hike midday. I dehydrate and my face still burns sometimes. The first years were the worst. My skin lightens and darkens, depending on the season, so much that I can look like a different person.
Will passes me, waving and whistling to the guys in the trees. He's pretty much still gasping for air.
“Hey, Will!” The guard sounds cheerful.
It’s weird. I don’t know what to expect, but I’m nervous. I pull an arrow and walk close to Will. I hate the way he makes me feel safer.
The camp is quiet. The people seem more relaxed. It was bustling with life and maybe a type of anger before. Now it’s as if they’re on holiday.
The word brings memories with it.
I remember summer holidays. I would put my hand out the window of the car when Granny was driving us to the beach. The sun and the wispy clouds would blow across the sky. I remember the smell of suntan lotion and the feel of salt and sand in my butt crack. I hated that feeling but Granny had a thing for burying people in the sand. The feeling of the cold sand wrapped around me like I was a mummy made me feel safe, like I do when Will wraps around me.
“Where is everyone?” I ask, turning in a circle.
Will growls back at me. “Not everyone is able to run a marathon in hundred-degree weather, Em. The camps slow in the summer. The assaults slow too. We don’t hike long and hard. We stay low, same as the harsh, winter months. We head for the winter camp and bunk down in the houses there.”
I can't believe I never thought about the fact they couldn’t possibly live in the tents in the winter, not the way it is now.
I start to feel bad when I notice the burn on his face and annoyance he’s trying to temper.
I glance back at everyone else. Jake and Anna don’t hide their fury. Bernie gives me a weak look, and Leo pants like I’ve never seen before.
I realize I bullied them. I made them feel weak. The feelings inside of me are bad. Only Star looks like me, slightly burnt but not dying. The rest look like they might melt at any second. Jack struggles for breath but winks at me. I don’t know what that means but he laughs at my confused look.
Leo walks past me for the rain barrels. I follow him, but they’re dry. A slight panic starts to hit me. I need water, and my pack is back at the retreat. I have what water they brought and that we found along the way. I’m thirsty.
Will comes back with leathers of water. He hands me one. I feel bad. Somehow I’m always the bad guy with him. Everyone sucks from the leathers like there’s no tomorrow. I share mine with Leo.
“Hey, don’t give that dog that water. He can find his own or drink with the livestock,” someone shouts at me. I glance up to an angry man coming towards me.
He points at Leo.
No one points at Leo.
The man gets close to Leo, and maybe it’s the dehydration, or the exhaustion, or the fact I hate myself, but I punch him in the cheek hard when he reaches for the leather of water. My hand makes a cracking noise because of the angle and the fact I wasn’t really ready to smack someone around. Will has me in the air, giving me a good swing with my boot. I connect with the guy’s arm, sending him flailing back on the yellow, crispy grass.
Will wraps around me, and Leo stands between the man and me. His back hair stands up. Jake runs to us. “That’s not a dog. He’s family.”
Bernie follows, “He’s our family.”
The guy wipes blood from his lip. “Crazy bitch.”
I try to free myself but I don’t have to. I get a blur of something as the man goes down. Anna’s arm comes up. Bernie grabs her, pulling her off the man. She’s whispering and kicking like a ferocious animal.
I snarl after the man. “He’s not a dog, idiot.”
Jake is laughing so hard, he can barely get his breath when he lifts the guy up. “Run…just run…” He laughs harder.
I smile when I see the way his dark face is scrunched in the laugh. He holds his stomach and shakes his head. I feel a vibration behind me. Will is laughing too.
The people in the camp are looking at us from their tents and the forest. The few people here are confused, but the group of us ignores them and we all laugh. Anna’s is a high-pitched whe
eze. I shove Will away as the guy flees for his life. I wrap an arm around Anna and kiss her cheek. She hugs me back.
“I’m sorry I doubted you,” I mutter.
She shakes her head. “I know you meant to keep us safe. But we need to do that for you too.”
I could cry; I love her so much. I don’t know if there is enough room in my heart for the things I feel. I don’t think it’s the right kind of heart. I think it’s a mutant heart.
I look at my knuckles and wince. One of them looks funny, kinked maybe. Looking at it brings on the pain.
Anna follows my gaze and makes a face. “Is that broken?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I guess.” I look for the guy. I need to finish beating him for breaking my knuckle.
Will grabs my arm and spins me. He does it gently, like we’re dancing like in the old movies. He’s fighting the urge to start shit. I give him my bent finger in his face. “Don’t start with me.”
He growls. “Don’t start shit.”
Jake steps in the way. “Em, your finger’s bent the wrong way. Come on.” He grabs my wrist of my good hand and pulls me to the med tents. I watch the hurt look on Will’s face and grin at him. It's my bitter, twisted, I-hate-you grin. I don’t and I can't, but I can pretend to.
Asshole.
He’s always grabbing at me and dragging me around. I look up at Jake. His dark hair and dark eyebrows normally make his blue eyes pop, but being in the sun as much as we have, his skin has darkened a ton. He’s so dark reddish-brown that his blue eyes shine like there’s a light behind them. I think there might be a light. He is like a light.
“Stop staring at me like that.” He gives me his cocky smile. “Or I’ll give you the kiss you’re asking for.”
I look away immediately. I don’t think I want that kiss.
When we get to the med tents, I see my usual doctor right away. He gives me an exasperated look. He looks really brown too. “Seriously?” he asks.
Jake laughs and holds my hand up. “Yup.”
