by Tara Brown
I want to turn my back on them all, hike up into the woods, rebuild my cabin, and be alone again, but I promised him I would stay and keep them safe. Nothing has hurt as much as it does now. Now I love too much, hate too much, and hurt too much. Everything is bigger and they made it that way. I look up at the clouds covering the stars and whisper, "Meg." I don’t need to tell her that I still need him. I don’t need to tell her anything. She knows.
She knows me better than anyone.
I lean into Leo. He whines and readjusts. The cold ground hurts me too, but I block it out.
I hear footsteps on the cold, dry ground behind me. I don’t need to turn to know it's Jake. His subtle limp is obvious if you listen well enough. He sits next to me, making warmth on that side.
"He asked me to give you something."
I stare at the rocks, hating him for accepting his death and giving up on me.
Jake presses something in my hand. I look down at the ring he placed there. It's a diamond ring with a silver-colored band.
"He wanted you to have it, even if he died. He was going to ask when he got better."
Tears fall from my eyes, landing on the diamond. His arm wraps around my body, but I don’t move. I stare down at it. We sit in the snow for a long time, staring at the rock pile. I feel like my heart is buried under those rocks. The constant ache in my chest is too much to fight. I just let it own me.
I close my hand around the diamond ring and wonder when and where he got it from. I glance at Jake. "When did he get it?"
He closes his eyes, letting a single tear drip down his cheek. He whispers, "He traded his guitar for it at the camp, after you, Anna, and Star ran off without us."
I shake my head. "What?"
His eyes stay closed, "Yeah. One of the guys at the fire was saying he found a jewelry store that wasn’t looted in a small town. He traded his guitar for it."
I grip it tighter.
"I hate him. Is that bad? I can't forgive him for leaving."
He shakes his head. "No. I hate him too." We cry silently, listening to the snow fall around us.
Chapter Seventeen
Two years later
I look at the rock pile and smile. "Meg, I think there's two kinds of love. One kind of love burns so hot that it burns out before you get a chance to enjoy it. The other love is one that lifts you and makes you better than you were before." I grin and shake my head. "I know you always said Will was the right one for this world, but I think God knew better. Will was never the right choice; he was the only choice while he was here, but I don’t know that it was better that way."
I look down at the diamond ring on my right hand as I brush the leaves off of the pile. The warmth of the spring sun is intense, as it always is. I don’t confess my love for anyone; I just leave that thought out there and let her come to her own conclusions. I know she can see it all from where she is.
I cross my legs when I sit back down and ball a dried leave up. "So Anna and Nick; I bet you woulda seen that one coming. I never did, but you always saw more than me. The wedding tree has had four weddings under it now. Not sure if you were watching or not, but it was nice and it made the village brighten up for a few weeks." I look up into the sun and sigh. "I have to go, but I'll be back in a little while." Leo gets up with me and stretches. I run my hands through his fur and smile. "You're getting too old for these trips."
He gives me his annoyed look and saunters over to where Jake and Mitch are talking and pointing. I can see his hips are getting old. I am not sure what I'll do when he gets too old to be Leo anymore. I don’t want to think about that.
Jake smiles when he sees me. "How's Meg?"
I shrug. "I think she gets lonely. I wish we could move her and the rose bush."
Jake shakes his head. "I like that she's here; I always think Bernie is too." His eyes are different than before. He nods at the horses. "Ready to go?"
I shrug. "Just waiting on you guys."
Mitch shakes his head. "If we let them put a trade market here, we will have more access to fruit. I think it's crazy not to do it."
Star walks from the back of the property, past all the charred rubble. It's her decision and they both know it.
She loops her arm into Mitch's. "Fine, but the rose bush and the grave are untouchable, and not negotiable."
Mitch smiles and kisses the side of her face. "I'll let them know. I'll meet you guys at the retreat?"
I glance up at Jake. He nods. "Yup. We just have to pick up Sarah and we're heading there."
I get on my horse and look down at Leo. He pants with his sloppy wolf face and starts towards the burned gates.
We ride slower, taking a little longer than normal. When we exit the forest, I smile. The village has grown in the two years we have been here. The log houses have taken over the old, dusty grass field and the forest has been cleared to make room for more houses. The white farmhouse is dirty but it's home to the cook pit ladies, Anna, and Nick. I can't sleep in there anymore. The smell of him is in there, even after we cleaned everything.
Sarah comes running up. She and Leo have their usual reunion. He lies down, looking tired. She gives me a look. "You have to make him stay. He can't do those big runs anymore."
I smile at the angry, little face. "Try telling him that."
She makes a noise and walks off with him. Jake laughs. "I think the teen years are about to hit."
I scowl at him. "She's twelve."
He shrugs. "Anna got evil at twelve."
I roll my eyes. "She was probably just tired of taking care of you."
He hops off his horse and drags me off of mine. "Oh really?" He throws me over his shoulder and carries me into the huge animal pen we've built for the cows, sheep, goats, and pigs. He tosses me into the haystack and jumps into the hay with me.
"Wanna roll in the hay?"
I shake my head. "No. It's prickly."
He pokes me in the arm. "You are getting softer. The Emma I met two years ago would have rolled in the hay till it was soft as silk."
I snort.
He laughs."I'm not kidding, you were like The Terminator."
I remember something and frown. "I'm pretty sure the last time you called me that, you also said I was a bitch and kissing me was a mistake."
His mouth hangs open for a second. He winces. "Yeah, that was the old me. I've improved, whereas you've really slipped."
I smack his arm. "Shut up."
The hay pokes into my back, but I ignore it and glance over at him. "You ready to hike up?"
He nods. "I just want to tell you, kissing you was the first smart thing I ever did. Everything else from then on was insanely stupid."
"Not everything."
He laughs and gets up. I take his hand when he offers it and stand up.
We walk over to where Sarah is giving Leo water.
"Ready?"
She smiles. "I can't wait. First swim of the season."
Anna comes out of the farmhouse with her belly sticking out by a mile. I shake my head. "You look fatter than you did three days ago."
She flips me the bird. Nick comes out after her. His eyes are filled with worry. He's looked like that since she stopped getting her period again.
"The summer heat better wait for me to give birth, not even kidding."
Nick points. "We're heading over to the river for her to soak her feet again. The swelling is getting bad."
I look down and snicker at the tree stumps she has for ankles. She points. "You just wait. You'll have a baby one day, and I'll make fun of your tree trunks too."
My face burns, but I shake my head. "I don’t think so."
Her eyes dart at Jake. "We'll see."
Jake and I have maintained our flirting, but he doesn’t know how I feel about him. Anna knows, because like Meg was able to, she can read my face perfectly. It's annoying.
We walk as a group to the river. The flow is higher with the snow melt so Anna and Nick stay in the area that is roped off with
logs.
"Have fun swimming," she says with a sad face.
Nick growls at her. "We aren’t talking about this again. When the baby is born and healthy, we can talk about going to the retreat."
Anna sticks her tongue out at him. He's not like Bernie. He's like Will—a lot. He doesn’t take any shit off of her, which isn’t a bad thing. Jake loves him and the way he tells Anna like it is.
No one but Anna was happy she got pregnant again, least of all Nick. He and I both worry about what the baby will be. Things like me and him and Star have never reproduced before.
I wave to her. "Be safe, rest, and listen to Nick."
Nick winks at me. "You can say it all you want. She hears what she wants to."
Jake laughs and Anna swats Nick in the arm. He wraps himself around her, kissing her neck and whispering things to her. We leave them there, in love and happy. I wish I were more like her; I always have, but it's worse now. She is comfortable with her love for Bernie and Nick. She keeps them separate in her heart, but equally important.
When we get to the meeting tree, I stop in front of the rock pile I know is his. There are more now but his is directly under the meeting tree.
Jake and Sarah stand next to me. We are silent for a second and then Jake gives me a look. "Can you guys give me a minute?"
We nod and start up the hill to the left, to the retreat.
Sarah smiles at me with a funny glint in her eyes. I frown at her. "What did you do to him?"
She laughs. "What?"
I look back at Jake. "I see that look in your eyes. What have you been up to?"
She rolls her eyes. "For a smart girl, you are so dumb sometimes."
"Whatever." Great, the evil-teen years are coming.
We get pretty far ahead of Jake, but I don’t worry as much about him. He doesn’t walk quietly, but he has learned to kill things.
I run my fingers through Leo's fur and grip my bow. Sarah grips hers too. She has become almost as good of a shot as some of the men. I think she'll be better at it than them in a couple years.
When I see the first guard in the platform, I wave. He waves back.
We crest the hill and see the people from the other camps and villages.
It's like a reunion every summer.
People wave and greet me with hugs and kindness. They ask about Anna and Nick, who like Star, has won them all over with his ability to be charming. They don’t treat me the same way; there is still something in their eyes, but the death of Will and the fact I opened my home up to so many, has earned me a place.
It doesn’t change the fact I am still awkward. Too many people around me make me feel funny. They glance at my guns and my bow. I am one of the few allowed to bring weapons into the camps and villages, thanks to Star and her bright ideas. I fidget and think about Granny as we cross to the tents.
Abundance of food, smiles, and sunshine makes the retreat more fun.
People I recognize wave at me, women I saved hug me, and the ones who still think I'm the devil's mistress glare at me. For whatever reason, those people make me the most comfortable. Shit is wrong with me.
I walk through and head for the trail to the swimming hole. Sarah runs, stripping her clothes off.
Jake catches up, breathing heavily. He scowls when he sees Sarah stripping her outer shirt off, and looks like he's about to say something, but I laugh. "I told her she has to wear a shirt and shorts this year."
He sighs. "Thanks. Last year was awkward as ass."
Leo keeps up with Sarah. They dive into the water together. They still swim fairly similarly.
I pull off my tee shirt, shorts, my gun holsters, knife in my boots, and quiver and bow. Jake looks at the pile and shakes his head. I scowl and jump in, in my underwear and tank top.
The water is cold; I gasp and try to catch my breath. It's the cleanest I've felt all year. I splash around, enjoying the cool of the water when my body adjusts. I look over at Jake, seeing the large, lumpy scar on his leg.
He dives in and swims underwater to where I am. It makes me nervous. He always pulls me under when we swim; I hate it.
Instead, he surfaces close to my face and spits water at me. Sarah laughs. I leap at him, dunking him under the water for a change.
He laughs and pulls me under.
Sarah starts to shiver. She nods at me. "I'm going to find Nan and get something to eat."
Jake points at her. "You stay with the cook hags. You do not walk around until we get up there."
She rolls her eyes and swims away. I look at Leo. "Stay with Sarah."
He almost rolls his eyes too and splashes after her. He jumps out, shaking his body and covering our clothes in water. Jake sighs. "That wolf is a vindictive bastard."
I nod. "Yeah." I lay back to float, looking up at the clouds.
I feel him float over near to me.
"Tell me something you remember from before."
"One time, when I was about ten or eleven my mom and dad took us to this restaurant. It was really fancy and expensive. Mom got a promotion and we were celebrating it. I had to go to the bathroom; I spilled some of the sauce from my steak on my pants. Dad laughed but mom was mad. I went to clean up and there was a guy in there. He had on a suit and a nervous look. He was pacing. He freaked me out a little bit. He pulled a box out of his suit pocket and sighed looking at this huge diamond ring. He saw me looking and held it so I could see too. He asked me if I thought it was nice. I said yeah, but I didn’t really know if it was or not. He took a deep breath and nodded his head and said, “Wish me luck kid.” So I said “good luck,” and he walked out. When I finished washing my pants off and drying them under the hand dryer, I got out into the restaurant and he was on his knee. A pretty lady was crying and nodding. The whole restaurant starting clapping as he slid the ring on her finger. He and the lady hugged and kissed, and my mom cried a little bit. She and Dad leaned in and kissed too." He laughs. "I remember thinking that was exactly how I would ask my wife to marry me."
I smile and look over at him. He's not floating on his back. He's holding something and treading water next to me.
The thing in his hands is a metal box, rough and rusted. He opens it and inside is a ring with a red stone. It looks like a ring I once gave to Stella as payment to escape with my life and virtue intact.
I look into his eyes, seeing the sparkle that was there before I made him more like me.
He grins. "I don’t have a fancy restaurant to take you to, and even if I did, I'm not sure you would like it. Your fondness for killing the things you eat is not something that would have suited that. And honestly, I can't think of a better place to tell you I love you. Even when I shouldn’t have, and I wasn’t supposed to, I did. I wanted you when I met you and I still do. I can't change the way I feel, so I am embracing it. If you need more time…"
I swim to him, cutting him off and wrap my legs around him. I place my hands on his face, close my eyes, and press my lips to his.
His body against mine is warm and comfortable. His love is the kind that makes my heart safe. My mind tries to compare them, but my heart stops and makes room for them both. Anna was right. There is no time. Today could be all I get, and I don’t want to be without him for one minute longer.
I feel tears streaming my face. "I love you too. Even when I wasn’t supposed to and I shouldn’t have, I did."
He nods. "And we both still love him, and I think that’s okay."
I nod into his face and pray to God that I get more. More days and more love and more happiness.
Epilogue
Ten years ago, I made a choice to save a girl and she ended up saving me in the end.
Ten years ago, I killed the man who took everything from me. The man who killed my real dad.
Ten years ago, I realized my mother was a good person.
Ten years ago, I fell in love with a man I hated as much as I loved. A man as damaged as me. I like to think we healed each other as much as we hurt each other.
/> Ten years ago, I fell in love with another man, one who made me happy in a way I tried to fight, because he was everything I didn’t think I deserved.
Today, as I look down on him sleeping next to me, I can't help but think how perfect we are for each other. He makes me soft and I make him strong, and together we accept the love we both still have for his brother.
"Auntie Em!"
I roll over as the twins attack.
"Uncle Jake!"
He moans and tries to pull his pillow over his face. "Uncle Jake needs sleep."
I laugh and hug Meg to me. She squeals and curls into my body. She bats her blue-green eyes that look remarkably like mine. She peers at me through her lashes. "What did you get me for my birthday?"
I roll my eyes. "It can't be your birthday already."
Bernard frowns. "It is, Aunty Em."
Jake looks puzzled. "How many is it this year?"
Bernard rolls his blue-green eyes. "Seven. We told you this yesterday, and Momma says you have to get up. We can't have cake without you."
I rub his brown hair that looks like his uncle’s. "Bernie, why don’t you and Meg go look in the drawer over there." I point at the dresser Jake made. It's a little crooked, but I like it that way.
They hop off and run for the drawer. Meg squeals in delight as she pulls the bow and quiver from the drawer. She looks back. "Really?"
I nod. "Go see Sarah. She’ll help you make arrows and teach you to shoot it, and tell you the rules."
She gushes. "I hope I'm as good of a hunter as she is, well, one day."
Bernard doesn’t look as excited about the matching bows and quivers. Jake laughs and points at the second drawer. "Check that one out."
He opens it and freezes. His jaw drops and when he looks at us it makes me smile harder. "Robin Hood?" He lifts the book out of the drawer and holds it to his chest. Meg makes a face and runs out of the house, no doubt in search of Sarah. Bernard cracks the book open and walks out of the house, dragging the bow behind him.
Jake looks at me with so much love in his eyes. Sometimes I wonder if he's sad that I can't have a baby. The one time I asked him he got angry; he never really does that much.
