The Delegates' Choice aka The Book Stops Here

by Ian Sansom

  He was awake at one, and then half past one, and two o'clock, half past two. Eventually, he sat up in bed and tried to remember what his room had looked like before his mother's recent thoroughgoing chintz makeover. He tried to picture the whole pre-chintz thing, his thing, the posters-Nelson Mandela and U2, the Pogues and Woody Allen-and the bookshelf, the wardrobe, the desk, right down to the position of the books on the shelves. He imagined himself as a hostage or a prisoner, held against his will in a one-piece nylon sunflower-print duvet cover, in a tiny chintz cell, with a small snoring Jack Russell, having to reconstruct his life from scraps and memories, and he found to his surprise that if he shut his eyes very tight he could do it; he was Brian Keenan, with John McCarthy, and he could see every peeling scrap of wallpaper and every book: The Alexandria Quartet in their horrid puke-murky covers, and a big fat swollen jumble-sale Norman Mailer, The Naked and the Dead, and A Clockwork Orange from the Oxfam shop in Mill Hill, and Jack Kerouac, and William Burroughs, and Allen Ginsberg. And seeing them, picturing them, he immediately regretted almost every one of them, regretted having spent any time on them at all: they seemed suddenly bogus, pointless, a pose.

  There were, of course, some books he could see on his shelf, in his mind's eye, that he didn't regret-his Kurt Vonneguts, for example. How could he possibly-how could anyone possibly-regret Kurt Vonnegut? He could see the covers of his beloved old Vonneguts, pixel-perfect in his imagination, books bought from charity shops, tattered and worn, their pages crisp and yellow with age, with their tacky, instantly outdated covers. Welcome to the Monkey House. Mother Night. Player Piano. He loved those books, and yet none of them had really lasted; they weren't canonical books; they were cheaply produced, rubbishy-looking books; they had no place in the pantheon of great literature; he would never read them again, and probably wouldn't even enjoy them if he did. But he couldn't deny them; he couldn't deny any of them, actually, even the books he regretted-they had made him who he was, they had interpenetrated him, they were instantiated within him. He was his books; and his books were him.

  These were his 3.00 a.m. thoughts. Israel Armstrong. Twenty-nine years old. Shambolic. Sixteen stone. Just short of six feet tall. Hair, brown. Eyes, brown. Glasses. No distinguishing features. Though he did know the word 'instantiated'. Did that count as a distinguishing feature?

  Probably not.

  He got up out of bed and sat on the chair by the window and drew back the curtains and looked out at the deserted street, lit by pale, sickly yellow lights. He tried to let his mind go blank, but whenever he thought about anything it seemed ugly and sad and pathetic-memories of Gloria and his father. So he got back into bed.

  And then when he finally drifted off to sleep at around half past three in the morning he had more strange, merging dreams, in which people and places came together in bizarre and horrible combinations: his father was with Linda Wei, and they were both naked, dancing and singing karaoke; and then Ted was there with one of Israel's old school friends, and they were drinking beer and whispering about him, keeping secrets; Gloria was there too, riding a unicycle; and his mother in a giant terracotta pot, sprouting. The dreams made him feel dizzy, even in his sleep, as though he were awake. He could hear voices; he thought he could hear his mother saying, 'Careful! The children may be listening.'

  When he woke he felt light-headed.

  The first thing he did was check his phone. Nothing from Gloria.

  He lay still, already defeated.

  The house was quiet, except for a strange scratching sound that seemed to be coming through the walls, like mice or rats, nibbling at the very foundations of the building. He thought for a moment it was Muhammad the dog, but he was still asleep; and then Israel thought he was going mad, but then he got up and went into the bathroom and the scratching sounds went away. The bathroom was safe; the bathroom was quiet; the bathroom was fine; the bathroom was familiar; he could remake himself in the bathroom, as he had done in his adolescence. Except that when his father had died his mother had had a big clear-out and done a lot of things she'd been meaning to do for years, like changing the avocado suite for something more modern, and white, and redecorating with tiny off-white tiles and downlighters so now the bathroom felt like a three-star hotel in an up-and-coming former Eastern bloc nation. He stood under the hot jet of the shower for almost fifteen minutes, trying to put himself back together again. He hadn't had a shower for eight months, not since arriving in Tumdrum. The Devines had a bath with a hand-held attachment, and sometimes he'd kneel there and try to remember what it felt like, the cleansing power of a good shower, but his imagination had always proved inadequate.

  After the shower, he shaved. There was no shaving mirror anymore; he wondered what his mother had done with his father's shaving mirror, the mirror he'd first shaved in when he was a boy. Instead, there was now a circular spot-lit mirror with a frosted rim attached to the wall; with the mirror, and the flowers and the candles, also new additions, the bathroom was like an opera diva's dressing room. He followed the contours of his face, scraping at his stubble, trying to remember the name for that little trough that runs from under your nose to your mouth; he used to know it; he used to know the name. His face looked deathly white under the glare of the lights, and when he finished shaving he could see there were still little tufts adhering around the corners of his mouth, and under his chin, and he had to pull around at his face to get at them. He thought to himself, So this is how the fat shave. Finally, he put on his glasses to get a better look at himself. It was still him. He was here.

  At home.

  He went quietly downstairs into the kitchen and put the kettle on. Gloria still had his coffeemaker in their flat-it was a little baby Gaggia. He loved that machine, and all the rituals associated with it: the tamp and the grind, and squeezing out the perfect crema right down to the last drop. Gloria had bought it for him for his birthday, and it sat on the worktop in the corner of their kitchen, a big silvery symbol of their good fortune and their lives together; it spoke of quality and sturdiness and style. It had been way too big to take to Ireland, and anyway would have looked out of place in the chicken coop. At least his mum had a good supply of ground coffee, and a filter cone, and some papers, and the old red enamel coffeepot they'd had as long as he could remember-the one with the lid tied on with wire. He could remember as a child watching his dad, during the summertime, from out of the back bedroom window, watching him sitting in the garden, doing his paperwork on the garden table, with the red enamel coffeepot at his elbow, a picture of perfect contentment. His dad always reused coffee grounds. He would grill them in a pan every morning. And that was the smell that Israel remembered from his childhood most clearly: the bitter smell of burning coffee grounds.

  He stood looking at the little patch of garden, waiting for the kettle to boil. He'd been away less than a year. Everything was exactly the same, and everything had changed. He popped a couple of Nurofen. He texted Gloria.

  It'd all be fine when he got to see Gloria.

  Too early to ring? It wasn't too early to ring. He rang their flat.

  'I'm not here at the moment,' said the answerphone. Where was she then? And how could that possibly be true: I'm not here at the moment? In the act of utterance? 'I'm not here at the moment?' She was there. She had to be somewhere. 'I'm not here at the moment?' How could she not be?

  His mother came downstairs.

  'Ah. Mum.'

  'Here he is then, His Royal Highness.'

  Ted came into the kitchen directly behind her.

  'Hello, erm…Ted. Did you sleep well?'

  'Like a log,' said Ted.

  His mother was wearing a smart white towelling dressing gown, and had her hair wrapped in a towel. Ted was wearing his cap, Muhammad at his heels.

  'How did you sleep?' she asked absentmindedly.

  'Not very well,' said Israel.

  'Oh dear. And what exactly are you doing?'

  'I'm making coffee.'

  'Using
last night's grounds?'

  'Yes.'

  'Just like your father.'

  'I suppose,' said Israel.

  'You were overtired, I expect.'

  'Maybe,' said Israel. 'And I thought I heard these weird noises upstairs.'

  'Weird?'

  'Sort of scratching noises.'

  'Oh, that'd be the pigeons,' said Israel's mother.

  'The pigeons?'

  'Aye, there's a wee nest outside your room,' said Ted.

  'I see. Really?' Suddenly Ted seemed to know more about his house than he did.

  'Ted's going to sort that out for us today, aren't you, Ted?' said Israel's mother.

  'Aye.'

  'Is he?'

  'Oh, he's been very good to me already,' said Israel's mother.

  'Has he?' said Israel.

  'Oh, yes. He was out first thing this morning to that little hardware shop, you know, which used to be owned by Mr Thompson. He got a drill bit, some bolts.'

  Ted held up a little blue plastic bag and grinned.

  'He's doing the back gate later.'

  'I'll need a hand with the pigeons though,' said Ted.

  'Right,' said Israel.

  'And he's seeing the neighbours later,' said Israel's mother.

  'So-called neighbours,' said Ted.

  'What?' said Israel. 'Mr and Mrs Stevens?'

  'No, Israel. Do keep up! They moved. I told you.'

  'You never told me.'

  'I did tell you.'

  'I don't think so.'

  'Anyway, it's this new couple. They keep blocking access to the drive.'

  'That's terrible.'

  'That's neighbours,' said Ted.

  'Ted said he'd have a word with them later today.'

  'Ted?' said Israel.

  'D'ye want to come and have a look at the guttering?' said Ted.

  'I'd love to,' said Israel. 'But not now. I've not had my breakfast or-'

  'Only take a minute,' said Ted.

  'Go on,' said Israel's mother. 'If Ted's ready…'

  'Do I have to?' said Israel.

  'Yes, go on. Ted has to know what he needs to get to sort it out, don't you, Ted?'

  'Aye.'

  'Mother!'

  'Go on. I'll make the coffee.'

  'I haven't got time, I've got to get ready and go and see Gloria.'

  'Hmm,' said his mother, unimpressed.

  'And I'm not even dressed yet.'

  'That's all right,' said his mother. 'Go on, no one's going to see you. He was always very shy,' she said to Ted.

  'Mother, please!' said Israel.

  'Go on!' she said. 'It'll take you two minutes.'

  Ted had already borrowed an extending ladder from somewhere.

  'He's very resourceful,' said Israel's mother.

  'I've really not got a head for heights,' said Israel.

  They were outside, looking up at the guttering.

  'It's not that high,' said his mother.

  'Wouldn't Ted be better to climb up?'

  'He might fall,' said Israel's mother.

  'Well, I might fall!'

  'Yes, but Ted's a guest,' said his mother. 'That'd be awful. Up you go! Go on!'

  So Israel, too tired to do otherwise, climbed the ladder, Ted and his mother down below holding it steady.

  'What d'you see?' shouted Ted, when Israel, coffeeless and still in his pyjamas, had made it to the top.

  'Ah. The gutter's full of…ah, God! The smell is…It smells like…'

  'What?'

  'Pigeon shit.'

  'Aye, well, that'd be right,' said Ted. 'How thick's it?'

  'Ugh. Really thick,' said Israel.

  'Inch?' said Ted.

  'I don't know,' said Israel. 'I've not a tape measure with me.'

  'Just stick your finger in,' shouted Ted.

  'I am not sticking my finger in!' said Israel.

  'Does it fill the gutter to the top?' said Ted.

  'Pretty much,' said Israel.

  Ted whistled.

  'Well?' said Israel's mother.

  'We'll need pigeon wire all the way along,' said Ted.

  'Hello?' Israel called down. 'Can I come down? Hello?'

  His mother and Ted were discussing where best to find pigeon wire in Finchley.

  Israel looked around him. London had always seemed to him to be fully alive, but from up high it seemed to be a place in rigid repose. He surveyed the houses-row upon row, blocks of flats in the distance. The tiny suburban gardens, patio heaters and decking. It looked like a little model village.

  'Quite a view!' he shouted down to Ted and his mother.

  'Aye. But scenery doesn't get the job done,' said Ted.

  * * *

  It was a beautiful crisp morning. The sun was shining, birds were singing. Israel could see glass glittering on pavements, signalling the extent of last night's fun and the loss of yet more stereos, CD players, and old hot hatches to the many local joyriders and thieves.

  'I can probably see the van from here, Ted,' he shouted down. 'If I twist round a bit.'

  He carefully twisted round on the top of the ladder. Some neighbours had planted leylandii. But through the gaps he could clearly see where he'd parked the van.

  Except the van wasn't there.

  'Erm. Ted?' he called down.

  'Can you not interrupt please, Israel,' said Israel's mother. 'It's very rude.'

  'What?'

  'Don't interrupt!'

  'Did you move the van, Ted?'

  'No. I'm just talking to your mother here,' said Ted.

  'But, Ted!'

  'What?'

  'I can't see it.'

  'Well, you're looking in the wrong place, sure.'

  'No, it should definitely be over there.'

  'Aye, right. Wind your neck in, will ye?'

  * * *

  Israel started climbing down the ladder.

  'Everything all right?' said Israel's mother.

  'Mum, you've not moved the van, have you?'

  'What van?'

  'The mobile library van?'

  'No. Moved it? Of course I haven't moved it. What would I want to move it for?'

  'It's just, it's not there anymore.'

  'Where did you leave it?'

  'It was round the corner, outside the Krimholzes.'

  'The Krimholzes!'

  'Yes.'

  'No! You shouldn't have parked it there!'

  'You made me park it round there!'

  'I did not!'

  'You did!'

  'I said park it round the corner, not park it outside the Krimholzes!'

  'It was the only space I could find.'

  'Oh, Israel! We're all in trouble now.'

  'What do you mean, we're all in trouble now?'

  'The Krimholzes!'

  'So? Can't you just ring them?'

  'What for?'

  'To see if they've moved it.'

  'Mr and Mrs Krimholz?'

  'Do they have keys?' asked Ted.

  'Of course they don't have keys!' said Israel's mother. 'And I'm not ringing them to ask about your mobile library.'

  'Why not?' said Israel.

  'Because,' said his mother.

  'Because you're ashamed of me working on a mobile library?'

  'No! I am not!'

  'Are you sure that's where you left the van?' asked Ted.

  'Of course I'm sure!' said Israel.

  'Well, there's only one way to find out,' said Israel's mother. 'Which is for you to go and check.'

  'Fine. I'll go and check,' said Israel.

  'You might want to get dressed first,' said Ted.

  'Give the neighbours a shock, wouldn't it!' said Israel's mother.

  'Thank you.'

  'He's probably just forgotten where he parked it,' said Israel's mother, sotto voce, to Ted as Israel went upstairs. 'He's like that. Very dreamy.'

  Once he was dressed, Israel went round the corner to check if the van was there.

  The v
an was gone.

  9

  Stolen cars in London are of course ten a penny, but a stolen mobile library is a little rarer: maybe ten a twopenny, or five to two farthings, or two to half a sixpence; none of your old tu'penny ha'penny or how's your father, cor blimey, guv'nor, would you Adam and Eve it, Jesus H. Christ, there's a funnyosity, you're having me on, I beg your Covent Garden, there's a turn-up for the books.

  A stolen mobile library? It was certainly unusual.

  But, still, nonetheless, the police weren't interested. When Israel's mother rang to report the missing vehicle, she was simply issued with a crime number, and that was it.

  'That's it,' she said, putting the phone down and explaining the procedure to Ted.

  'That's it?' said Ted, who'd gone into shock when he realised the van really was missing. Israel's mother had been feeding him with hot sweet tea and soothing words, but Ted just kept saying, over and over, 'I don't believe this. I don't believe it.'

  They were all sitting around the kitchen table.

  'It's post-traumatic shock,' Israel's mother whispered to Israel. 'We need to be gentle with him.'

  'I just don't believe it,' mumbled Ted.

  'You'd better believe it, Ted,' said Israel. 'We have been well and truly TWOCed!'

  'Israel!' said Israel's mother.

  'TWOCed!' repeated Israel.

  'What?' said Ted who, despite the shock, could still rise to irritability with Israel; it'd take more than a shock to stop him getting annoyed with Israel.

  'That's what they call it. Taken without owner's consent,' said Israel.

  'That's only on television,' said Israel's mother.

  'I just don't believe it,' said Ted.

  'You can report it online, apparently,' said Israel's mother.

  'I don't believe this.'

  'TWOCed,' repeated Israel. 'T. W. O. C.'

  'D'ye not know a local policeman we could talk to?' said Ted.

  'No,' said Israel's mother. 'We've never had anything to do with the police.'

  'Ach,' said Ted, putting his head in his hands. 'I don't believe this.'

  'There, there,' said Israel's mother. 'Don't worry.'

  'Don't worry,' repeated Israel, trying to be helpful.

  'Don't you be telling me not to worry!' said Ted. 'It's your flippin' fault in the first place!'