by Leah Holt
“Well, I know what's what, you can attest to that.”
“I know you know how to make me feel amazing, what buttons to push, how to touch me just right, but that doesn't mean you know what the hell you're looking at.”
“That's true, but I don't need to know the names of your lady parts, I just need to know which part makes you wet, and which part makes you scream.”
Crunching the paper gown against my skin, I adjusted the thin sheet hanging over my lap. “I hate these things, you'd think they'd have something better than rough paper.”
August started opening the cupboard doors and fumbling through small bins and glass containers. “Alright,” he said, turning around and holding a wooden tongue compressor stick and a tube of lube. “We're just going to get started, I need you to lay back for me and spread'em.”
Busting out laughing, I shook my head in disagreement. “I don't think so, you ain't coming anywhere near me with that.”
“I'm sorry, Miss, but I'm the doctor and you're the patient. You need to follow orders.” With smooth strides, August walked towards me with a smirk on his face as he bounced his brows high. “If you don't listen, I'll be forced to tie you up and spank you.”
Protecting myself with my hands, I swatted him off, tears filling my eyes from laughter. “You're not coming near me with that, get out of here.”
August hovered over me, his face twisting into something that reminded me of the cabbage patch doll I had as a kid. He looked crazed, his eyes all wild, tongue sticking out of the corner of this mouth as he tried to probe the inside of my mouth with his wooden stick. “You're being difficult, difficult patients get punished—”
“Ahem,” A voice chimed in, causing me to jump in surprise and August to drop the lube on the floor. The doctor smiled, closing the door behind him. “Hello, I'm Dr. Hall, and you're definitely not a doctor.”
Chuckling, August held out his hand. “I'm August Burke,” he said, shaking the doctor's hand.
Turning to me, Dr. Hall smiled. “You must Mrs. Burke.”
“Oh, no, we're not married. I'm Ella Day.”
“Sorry,” the doctor said, his smile thinning as he glanced between us. “I shouldn't assume anything nowadays.” Chuckling, he pulled the rolling chair out from under the small desk and sat down. “Families come in all different shapes and sizes. I need to just put my foot in my mouth sometimes. So, are we ready?”
“I think so.” My stomach began to rumble, buzzing like a swarm of locusts were let loose inside. “I'm a little nervous.” August was standing beside me, so he took my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the back of my palm.
“That's totally normal, most new parents are nervous at first.” The doctor stood up and wheeled a small cart to my side. Taking out a long wand, he turned on the machine. “I'm going to need you to lay back for me.” Pulling out an attachment from beneath my legs, he helped me to adjust.
“What are you doing?” August asked, squeezing my hand tighter.
I could feel how nervous he was. His hand was clammy and warm, small beads of sweat were starting to form across his forehead. He didn't have that confident tone to his voice. There was so much unknown for him on a level he had never experienced before.
I wished I could comfort him, give him some advice so he didn't feel like he was randomly dropped on another planet. But we were both going to have to learn together.
“Well, we're going to see just how far along Ella is exactly, and hopefully send you home with a few good pictures.”
“Well, I'm pretty sure I'm over a month late for my period. Wouldn't that make me four weeks or so?”
“Not necessarily. If you aren't too sure when you had your period last, even if it was a month ago, some woman actually bleed during pregnancy. Some don't even know they're pregnant at all.”
“Like that show, Pregnant and Surprised?”
“Yeah, just like that.”
“Wait,” August held up his hand and furrowed his brows. “A woman can pregnant and not even know it, how the hell is that possible?”
Dr. Hall squeezed some clear jelly on the wand, pulling up my paper gown and setting the machine on my stomach. “There's several factors, uterine lining and how thick it is could be one reason, placement of the uterus and fetus is another.”
Whoosh Whoosh
Whoosh lub-dub lub-dub lub-dub
“Is that?” I asked, looking at the doctor.
“It is.”
“It's what?” August asked, looking at the monitor and angling his head. “What is that? It sounds like when you have water in your ear and you're breathing really hard.”
“It's your baby's heartbeat, Mr. Burke.”
August's skin turned ghost white instantly as his eyes became glossy. “Are you serious?”
“Pretty cool, isn't it?”
August dropped his gaze onto mine, staring at me with tears sitting in his eyes. “Do you hear that? That's our baby.” Smiling, he took in a deep breath and cleared his throat. “That's incredible.” Wiping his eyes with the back of his wrist, he lifted his shoulders higher.
“Let's see if we can get a better picture.” Twisting the wand, Dr. Hall pushed it harder into my lower belly. “Oh, there we go, that's a nice image for you.” Hitting a button on the machine, he kept probing the surface of my stomach.
“Oh wow, I can see the baby wiggling around.” Teardrops began to fall one by one, following the curve of my jaw and dropping onto the paper. “This is incredible.”
The doctor hit the button on the keyboard a few more times, his hand moving and spinning in different directions. “It looks like you're actually ten weeks according to these measurements.” The machine began to print out a long strip of black and gray images. “Here you go, baby's first pictures.”
August kept staring at the pictures as we walked to the car, the smile on his face was broad, running ear to ear. Holding up the pictures, he touched the small blob in the center. “This is unreal, that's our baby—our baby, Ella.”
He looked so proud and happy, and it didn't look like it was a selfish happy. It wasn't an I got what I wanted happy or a middle finger to the sky happy; August looked genuinely thrilled about the baby and the fact that it was our baby.
“I can't believe that's growing inside me.” Resting my hand on my stomach, I touched my belly lightly. “It's so weird to think about it.”
“I want to surprise my mother with this tonight. Maybe we can invite her over for dinner? She hasn't been over since you moved in, I think it's time for her to get over herself.”
“Well, she hates me.” Looking down at the ground, a horrible thought crossed my mind. Snapping my head back up, I grabbed August's forearm and stopped him in the middle of the parking lot. “You don't think she'll hate the baby do you?”
“No, she won't hate the baby. I promise she's not that cruel.” Taking me in his arms, he held me firmly against his chest. “But I have no idea what type of grandmother she'll be. I know from experience that she doesn't know how to relate to children, but maybe she'll surprise me.”
“This should be interesting,” I said, slipping into the backseat of August's town car.
“Well? How was it?” Jerry asked, looking at us through the mirror.
August held the pictures over the center console, grabbing his shoulder and giving him a shake. “I'm going to be a dad, can you believe it?”
“You know what, I couldn't before, but since you met Ella, it's easy to see you as a father.” Jerry gave us a sincere smile through the mirror as he started to drive. “You two were lucky to find each other.”
Taking in a deep breath, his words left me unsettled. He was right, I felt lucky and happy and like everything was the way it was meant to be. But then I had to remind myself that we weren't true, we weren't in love, we weren't two people who owned each other's hearts. . . And yet, I had never been happier in my life.
Playing house is getting too real. I'm falling in love with this man and I s
houldn't be.
August looked over at me and braided our fingers together. Smiling, he leaned in and kissed me. “I feel the same way, Jerry, I really do.”
Does he really mean that?
The look in his eyes was full of passion and emotion. And for the first time I felt like maybe everything else didn't matter. We could raise the baby together, we could build a life, a great life, and live in our own happily ever after.
But I wasn't sure that any of this would last if his mother didn't give us her blessing. Deep down I knew we needed his mother's approval. Even if August tried to play it off like he didn't give a shit about what his mother or anyone else thought; I knew his mother's opinion mattered.
He might not realize it himself, but August wanted his mother's approval. That was why he brought me there to begin with. That was why he felt the need to involve her in the pregnancy.
My mother had been the complete opposite. She was ecstatic, unable to contain her joy and excitement to be a grandmother. She loved August when we went to her house for a weekend, and so did my sister.
When we left to come back to New York, my mother had this sparkle in her eye, taking his hand and telling him that my father would be proud that he was the man his daughter had chosen.
That made me feel happy and guilty. Our fake relationship had gone from involving two people, into involving two families. That meant two set of feelings, two sets of people who were going to be hurt in the end if the truth came out.
And one innocent child that would never know a true family, one where their parents had natural feelings and full hearts. This was our secret, and it had to stay that way.
Feelings have no place here, they never did.
Chapter Twenty-three
Ella
I wanted everything to be perfect. Unapologetically perfect.
August's mother would be there any minute and I desperately wanted her to just accept me, accept this baby, accept us.
Fixing her seat at the table, August walked in behind me, swooping his arms around my belly and hugging me. Digging his chin into the top of my shoulder, he kissed the skin at the base of my neck and over my collarbone.
“It looks beautiful, El, don't worry yourself too much about it.” Tender kisses made their way across the back of my neck, up to my hairline, and down to the exposed skin of my back. “She's going to feel however she feels, it doesn't matter how nice the table looks.”
“I know, I'm just not used to all this.” Laying my head back against his chest, I tickled my fingers across his arms. “People usually love me. Only your mom and Justin have given me a hard time.”
“That's because Justin is a dick and my mother is so rich she's used to being right all the time, even if she's horribly wrong. Can you imagine no one ever correcting you? Ever? It went to her head, now she's a walking Google with bad information. She will always pick the opposite of what you or anyone else wants, that how she works.”
Giggling, I moved my hand up the side of his face and into his hair. “It's just hard. I want her to like me.”
“And she will,” he said, spinning me on my feet to face him. Pinching my chin in his fingers, he tipped my head up so I was looking him in the eyes. “And if she doesn't, I really don't give a shit. I know what I want, and no one, not even her can change my mind.”
Lifting my head higher, August leaned forward and kissed me. His lips were soft, tender, kissing me like two lovers in Paris. Pulling away, I could still feel the tingle of where his lips had touched mine.
The front door swung open and Fran came waltzing in with her arms out wide. “Finally,” she said, tucking her gloves into her purse and dropping it onto the counter. “The traffic was horrible. This is why I hate coming up to this end of the city, there are too many people. I wish you would have gotten that place on the East Side instead.”
“Hey, Mom, I'm so happy you made it.” August went to her side and took her jacket.
“Why are you taking my jacket?” she asked, quickly adding, “Don't tell me your maid is on vacation again, August? Lord I don't know why you insist on doing so much when you have good help.”
“I sent her home for the night, this is a special dinner.”
“Special? Why? Are you buying me another breast enhancement?” Looking down at her chest, she squeezed her breasts between her forearms. “I guess it could be time. These are getting a little old.”
“God no,” August snapped, shaking his head. “This isn't about you, not everything is about you all the time.”
“Well it should be.” Winking, Fran strolled into the kitchen, running her finger along the counter top. “Who cooked? Please tell me you at least had Valerie cook before sending her home?”
“Actually,” August said, grabbing me by the shoulders and moving forward. “Ella cooked dinner. She's an incredible cook too, you're going to love it.”
“Mm, we'll see.” Snubbing her nose into the air, she fluffed the ends of her hair.
“Why don't we all go sit down, dinner should be ready in a minute.” Cupping my hands together, I did my best to sound upbeat and pleasant.
The truth was I felt like a nervous wreck. My stomach was coiling like rope, my heart was beating a million miles a minute, my chest was tight and it felt like the air around me was thick as molasses.
Sitting at the table, August filled Fran and his glasses with wine and mine with apple juice. Fran fiddled with her silverware, moving around the forks and knife.
Looking at me under hooded lids, Fran gave me a condescending smirk. “I don't know if they taught you this in public school, but the forks go on the left.”
“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize.”
“Mom—”
“What? She needs to know these things if she's going to be in our circle.”
“Our circle?” August asked.
“Yes—our circle. People expect a certain level of etiquette from the Burke's, this includes your little girlfriend here too.”
“I'm going to go check dinner.” Excusing myself from the table, I went into the kitchen, ready to throw my fist through a wall.
The hormones were killing me. One second I was super happy, the next I was a raging bitch. I could cry for no reason at all, a sweet song, a loving commercial, a funny joke; and boom, there go the tears.
Right then, I clutched the granite counter, knuckles turning bright white with a low growl like a wild dog sitting in the back of my throat.
I'm going to kill that lady. She has a death wish, I swear. . .
Taking a few deep breaths, I closed my eyes and reminded myself that I was better than that. That I wasn't going to flip a table or throw a fit and scream at the lady. Fran was Fran, it was something I was going to have to learn to take with a grain of salt, and walk away with my head held high.
She was no better than me. Money didn't make her better than me, status didn't make her better than me. We were both human, we both had beating hearts and blood flowing through our veins.
And that was what I was going to teach my baby. No one person was better than another. I firmly believe in good and evil, but when it came down to two regular people, no one stood taller. We were all the same, inside and out. That was the truth and that was how you should see the world.
Taking the roast out of the oven, I set it on the rack to rest when I heard a frantic scream.
“What the hell is that?!” Fran screeched again, her voice panicked and full of fear. “Get it away from me! Go! August, get it!”
Running back into the dining room, I stopped short, letting out a loud, guttural laugh.
Fran was standing on her chair, her eyes wild and arms flailing like a crazed windmill. “What the hell is that thing doing here?!”
“Mom, it's just a cat,” August said as he picked up Mr. Pink and coddled him in his arms. “He's not going to hurt you, he's harmless.”
“Harmless! He belongs outside, not in here, not on the table where you eat! Get that vile creature out of here!
”
August started to chuckle as he carried the cat down the hall and closed him in the bathroom. “You're being ridiculous, you know that right?”
“I know that cats lick themselves and walk through their excrement. Is that what you want on your table, near your food—in your food, August?”
“You're being dramatic. The cat isn't shitting in my food or carrying any diseases. He's just a cat, that's it.”
Scoffing, Fran climbed down off her chair, fixing her dress and running a palm over her hair. “You know how I feel about animals, they belong outside, not in here. Why on earth would you get one?”
August tilted his head, his lips pursing to one side. “Because we want our baby to grow up having a pet to snuggle.”
“Your what?” Fran's body went motionless. She even looked like she was holding her breath. “Did you say your baby?”
“Yeah, I did. That's exactly what I said. Ella and I are having a baby, she's almost three months. Congratulations, you're going to be a grandmother.”
If looks could kill, I think she would have desecrated the entire city.
“Who's ready to eat?” I asked, awkwardly shifting on my feet as Fran slowly ticked her head in my direction.
I didn't know what else to do, I just wanted to change the subject, I wanted to get our minds on something else.
Her lids lowered, eyes turning to stone. Grinding her teeth together, Fran folded a fork in her hand, bending the metal in half.
Oh fuck.
“I hope you're happy with yourself,” she snapped, dropping the fork onto the table, and storming off to the bathroom beside the living room. Slamming the door, we could hear muffled screams and her banging around.
August looked over at me, his lips twisting down. “Well, I think she took it pretty well.”
Another loud scream echoed off the tiles.
“Yeah,” he said, “She's taking it pretty well.”
And then there was silence.
An endless silence that filled the apartment like a black mass.
Chapter Twenty-four
