Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  About the Book

  Most of us can remember a defining moment in our lives. A split second when time stood still and our lives changed forever. For Lily Ormond, that moment came late one night when she answered a knock on the door and discovered that while she’d been smashing garlic and rosemary and watching the soaps, her sister Alison had drowned.

  Coming to terms with losing her only sibling and best friend was devastating, becoming a mother overnight to Ali’s three-year-old son Charlie was mind-boggling, but discovering that her identical twin had been leading a secret life for years was almost Lily’s undoing. . .

  And so begins a journey linked with four men who’d been part of a life she hadn’t even known existed. A journey that forces Lily to come to terms with a father who’d never really cared for her, a child who needs her too much and a sister who wasn’t what she seemed.

  Contents

  Cover

  About the Book

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1 Alison

  2 William and Beth

  3 Richard and Daisy

  4 James and Tamsin

  5 Dave and Marie

  6 Lily

  7 William and Beth

  8 Richard and Daisy

  9 James and Tamsin

  10 Dave and Marie

  11 Lily

  12 Lily

  13 Lily

  14 William

  15 Dave

  16 Richard

  17 James

  18 Lily

  19 Dave

  20 William

  21 James

  22 Lily

  23 Lily

  24 Richard and Daisy

  25 Lily

  26 Lily

  27 James and Tamsin

  28 William and Beth

  29 Dave and Marie

  30 Lily

  31 Lily

  32 Lily

  33 William and Beth

  34 Richard and Daisy

  35 Lily

  36 James and Tamsin

  37 Lily

  38 Lily

  39 William and Beth

  40 James and Tamsin

  41 Richard and Daisy

  42 Lily

  43 Lily

  44 Marie

  45 William and Beth

  46 James and Tamsin

  47 Lily

  48 Richard

  49 Lily

  50 Lily

  51 Lily

  52 James and Tamsin

  53 Lily

  54 Lily

  55 Lily

  56 Lily and Charlie

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Also by Anita Notaro

  Copyright

  Take a Look at

  Me Now

  Anita Notaro

  This book is about the unbreakable bond between sisters

  and I’m lucky enough to have that three times over so,

  Jean, Lorraine and Madeleine,

  this is for you with love and thanks

  1

  ALISON

  ALISON WAS HAPPY. Really happy, in a laugh-out-loud kind of way. Not just pretend happy – like when she was a child and lived in a make-believe world. Or peer-pressure happy – when in her teenage years acceptance was everything. She felt like a snake shedding its skin as she wriggled her toes in the gritty sand on a deserted south Dublin beach. Years of worry finally seemed to evaporate and the needle-sharp air whipped away the last of her anxiety.

  Today was all about new beginnings. She smiled, just for the sake of it. It felt unfamiliar. Ali had got used to smiling on demand. Sometimes that expression meant reassurance for Lily, her twin sister, who relied on her totally. Other times it was all about comfort and protection for her darling child. And in the last few years, she’d become an expert at the seductive smiles she used often on the men in her life. But not any more: from now on there was no need.

  ‘Mummy, look, I fly.’ Her three-year-old son stretched out his arms and glided towards her, dipping from side to side. No smile of approval needed there today, Ali noticed. She watched as he fluttered past, utterly content in his own little world. All the kisses and smiles and love and security she’d given freely since the day he was born meant he was turning into the most confident, gorgeous little man.

  ‘Come on.’ Alison jumped up. ‘Let’s fly out to sea together.’ She quickly tidied up their belongings, tucked an almost empty purse into her pocket and ran out ahead of Charlie, still hardly able to believe their luck had changed so hugely.

  ‘Come on, you can do it,’ she shouted encouragingly and bobbed about like a kite in a gale-force wind. Charlie ran towards her and she held out her arms for him. Cackling, he tried to dodge past and Alison picked him up and swung him round in circles until they were both out of breath.

  ‘Drunk,’ he announced, copping on quickly to their favourite game.

  ‘No, you’re not!’ She tickled her bright-eyed boy. ‘You’re just dizzy.’

  ‘Drunk,’ he squealed again, trying in vain to stay upright.

  Alison grabbed him before he hit the sand and threw him in the air. ‘I love you, Charlie.’

  ‘Love you lots . . . like jelly tots . . .’ He wrapped his fat little arms round her neck and she smelt him, the way she always did, just behind his left ear.

  ‘. . . but not as much as vodka shots.’ Alison smiled and finished the rhyme for him. Her sister Lily had taught him that one and he repeated it a zillion times, although Alison had no idea what the teachers in playschool made of it. Still, it was typical of Lily’s zaniness and Alison loved it that the two most important people in her life shared the same sense of fun. She could still hear her sister’s throaty laugh from when Charlie had demanded ‘wodka shots’ in a sweet shop one day.

  Now he wriggled to get down. ‘Come on.’ She looked around and checked their belongings again. The beach at Sandymount Strand was strangely silent, except for a lone dog walker, hands in pockets, way down towards the towers. ‘Let’s go catch the waves.’

  ‘Bucket, want my bucket.’

  Alison ran back and picked up the little yellow fireman’s hat that they’d found earlier.

  ‘Here’s your bucket.’ He was happy.

  They headed across the cool, golden carpet. Alison loved it here when the tide was out. You could nearly walk to Holyhead, in Wales – at least that was what her mother used to tell her.

  Charlie toddled along beside her. Progress was slow but steady, halted every minute or so by things she’d never have noticed.

  ‘Hell.’

  ‘Yep, that’s a shell. Put it to your ear and see if you can hear the sea.’

  ‘Sea.’ He pointed.

  ‘The sea is far away.’ She ruffled his hair. ‘Some day I’m going to take you on a big boat across the ocean.’

  ‘Boat.’

  ‘Or maybe an aeroplane. Would you like that?’

  ‘Whoosh.’ He was gliding again.

  ‘You know something, darling, it’s all going to be OK.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘More than OK. Perfect.’ She wondered what Lily would say when she told her that all their worries were over. Alison was almost more excited for her twin. Lily had so many dreams.

  She held Charlie’s hand but it wasn’t long before he wanted to be free.

  ‘Charlie, we’re going to be fine. Mammy’s going to look after us all.’ She picked him up and cuddled him tight.

  ‘Ow, put me down.’ Charlie squirmed and was off exploring again in seconds.

  Alison showed him a jellyfish and he ran away screaming, and then almost toppled over as he looked back through slatted fingers once he was holding her hand for safety.

  ‘Today it all finally w
orked out for us, Charlie.’ Her shoulders sagged and her neck felt looser. She couldn’t wait to see her sister’s face and she hugged her secret to herself with childlike glee.

  ‘Ice cream?’ the child asked hopefully.

  ‘Yes, we’ll go home on the Dart and then stop at Mrs O’Neill’s shop and get wafers, how’s that? And later on we’ll have tea. What would you like?’

  ‘Chips.’ He was being economical with words these days.

  ‘OK, chips it is, but from next week on we’re going to be healthy. I’m going to feed you vegetables and lots of lovely meat and fish and—’

  ‘I want chocolate buttons.’

  ‘Well, only if you’re a very good boy for your mammy.’

  He nodded much more solemnly than he should have had to. ‘Charlie very good.’

  ‘Yes, you are, you’re the best boy.’ Alison picked him up and hugged him. She felt vaguely uneasy that she didn’t have anything to worry about. No more saying no to him all the time and no more trying to curb her sister’s enthusiasm either.

  ‘Down.’

  She did as ordered, settling for a feel of his baby curls as they strolled along.

  ‘Sea.’ It was his word of the day.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Splash.’

  ‘I think it’s too far away to splash, love.’ She chased him further out, their arms and legs a jumble as she pretended to be an octopus, just like in his current favourite movie. The evening sun warmed their backs and the soft breeze made Charlie’s curls tickle his neck. Alison giggled with him as he pushed his hair away and tried to dodge her embrace.

  She ran it all through in her head again. Today had been a good one – scratch that, today had been the best in years. She made mad plans as they meandered along, Charlie in his magical little world and Alison in hers. She’d come for a walk here to sort it all out in her head before she told her sister. Lily would be very emotional, Alison knew, so she needed to be careful.

  ‘Wa-ter.’ Her baby focused her mind again and the daydream and all her plans for a storybook ending for the three of them disappeared for the moment.

  ‘Yes, the tide’s coming in, we’d better get back or we’ll get wet.’ Alison laughed and looked around, surprised to find that they were on their own little desert island. Even the sun had abandoned them.

  ‘Come on, love.’ She took his hand. ‘Mammy was dreaming. There’s a big patch of sand over there.’ She started to walk and quickly realized that the level they were on was higher than anything else around them.

  ‘Come on, Charlie, Mammy’ll carry you. We need to get back to the beach.’ He felt cooler as she picked him up and held him close. He dropped his yellow toy and screamed.

  ‘Bucket!’

  ‘It’s OK, I’ve got it.’ She reached down but the yellow hat was being carried in by the tide.

  ‘Gone,’ Charlie said, as if he’d lost a fortune.

  ‘It’s OK, it’ll be waiting for us on the beach, I promise.’ She held him tight and cursed her stupidity. It seemed like they were miles out. She started to wade into the water. It was only just past her ankles but the stretches of sand were fewer now. She moved as quickly as she could with a three-year-old and a gypsy skirt hindering her progress.

  ‘Charlie, love, I’m just going to put you down for a moment, while I tuck in my—’

  ‘Nooo!’ He wasn’t budging. She hitched up as much fabric as she could and kept moving. They seemed to be getting nowhere. Her eyes scanned the horizon for backup, just in case, but she couldn’t see anyone. What a silly thing to do, she thought again, so unlike her normally sensible-to-the-point-of-driving-you-mad approach to life. She searched in vain for their pile of clothes to use as a landmark, but a faint mist now blurred the horizon and even the hum of commuter traffic on the nearby Strand Road sounded miles away.

  Panic set in quite quickly then. It seemed as if she was pushing against the water and it was slowing them down. Her skirt felt like lead and she cursed silently once more, trying to remain calm. ‘It’s OK, darling,’ she kept repeating. ‘Just hold on tight to Mammy.’

  ‘Cold.’

  ‘I know, love, but we’ll be on the beach soon and your jumper is there.’ She kissed his head absentmindedly and tried to increase her pace. ‘Silly Mammy.’ She smiled at him encouragingly. ‘We walked too far but don’t worry, we’re nearly there.’ The next step saw them both almost topple over. The levels had changed again. It was deeper here. They seemed to be making no real progress. She closed her eyes and tried to think logically. For once, nothing came.

  The wind increased and her colourful skirt rubbed against her, hurting her legs. She felt her mobile phone through the thin cotton and grabbed it, staring at the face for a second. It seemed ridiculous to call for help but Alison realized she was frightened. It was darker now, or at least the pewter sky made it seem so. She dialled the emergency services, feeling a complete fool.

  The calm, motherly woman tried to keep her talking, but Alison’s breathing was heavy with fear and exertion and speaking was suddenly an effort.

  ‘Stay on the line, that’s a good girl. I’m just going to radio for help. I can still hear you, don’t worry.’ She was back to Alison in a second.

  ‘What’s your little boy’s name, Alison?’

  ‘Charlie.’

  ‘And how old is he?’

  ‘Three, but he’s small and I’m scared and—’

  ‘Just try and stay where you are. Are you wearing anything brightly coloured, by any chance?’

  ‘Yes, a yellow T-shirt.’

  ‘Good, that’s good. Don’t worry, Alison, help is on the way.’

  She kept her voice even and used Alison’s name all the time, asking questions to distract her, like what her home telephone number was and who would be there.

  Alison gave it automatically, then panicked. ‘My sister, Lily, but please don’t ring her, she’ll be frightened and I don’t want to—’

  ‘It’s OK, don’t worry, I won’t call anyone. I just—’

  ‘I’m trying to walk fast, honestly I am, and I’m so sorry to be troubling you like this. It’s just that I don’t seem to be getting anywhere and Charlie’s heavy and—’ She was out of breath now.

  ‘It’s no trouble, don’t worry. Can you put him up on your shoulders? That might make it easier.’

  ‘I’ll try, but I’ll have to— Wait . . . Hold on a minute.’ Alison clutched the phone and hoisted the baby up. ‘Just hang on to Mammy, love, that’s a good boy.’ Charlie screamed and kicked her in the face and grabbed her hair. The phone fell out of her hand and disappeared beneath the froth.

  ‘Help!’ Alison screamed after it, hoping the woman could still hear.

  The water was rising, but at least with the baby on her shoulders Alison could wade a bit faster. Big boulders of cloud turned day to night, a late summer evening into a December dusk.

  She was moving forward, or at least she thought she was, but it seemed to be in slow motion and the landscape was becoming more blurred. Her shoulders ached from the weight. After what seemed like ages, she heard a noise. It sounded like a boat. Alison was frantic by this stage.

  ‘Over here,’ she waved and thrashed about, unsure where the sound was coming from. Charlie was almost hysterical. The water was now above her waist, and even standing firm was getting more difficult.

  ‘It’s OK, love . . . Charlie, look, darling, here’s the big ship and it’s going to take us home.’ As she spoke Alison realized the noise was coming from above. It had started to rain, but her eyes were wet anyway, even before she looked up.

  ‘Help’ seemed to be the only word she knew, and she was hoarse from shouting it. The noise was deafening now and Charlie was very frightened. Alison saw an action-man figure on a rope, dangling dangerously over her head. She felt weak with relief. Charlie was going to be safe and dry and Lily wouldn’t have to worry. Alison would take care of them both, just as she always had.

  ‘Thank God,’ she screamed
. ‘Take him first, please take him first!’

  She tried to hold up her precious bundle. The man was nearly on top of them. Alison couldn’t hold on, her arms were almost out of their sockets. The water was cold on her breasts. Charlie kicked and screamed and she swallowed a mouthful of dirty water.

  ‘Hold the baby in your arms and I’ll take you both,’ was what she thought he said, but now Alison was the hysterical child.

  ‘Nooooo!’ She forced her arms up once more, holding Charlie up to him in a vice-like grip. Her hands were numb and she couldn’t feel her fingers. ‘Please, take him first, please, I can’t hold him for much longer.’ She thrust her baby towards him, begging him with her eyes. ‘Please, I’m OK, just don’t let anything happen to my baby.’

  ‘Hold on, I’ll be back for you in a jif.’ The wind carried his words away. He was saying something else and Alison was trying to lip-read through her tears and the noise and the stinging rain. He swooped on them and had Charlie in an armlock an instant later. She watched as he fastened her precious child to his waist.

  ‘Don’t panic, Alison, I’ve got him. Are you OK? Can you stay standing?’

  ‘I think so. My skirt is . . .’ She swayed, feeling faint from the effort and weak with relief that her little boy was safe at last.

  ‘Take it off,’ he yelled and she tried to kick her legs free.

  ‘Be careful with him, please,’ she begged again. ‘My sister will be . . .’ She couldn’t speak.

  ‘You’re both safe, just stay calm and don’t worry. I’ll be back before you know it.’ His smile was reassuring but seemed to come from far away and Alison watched her baby get smaller and smaller, saw his arms and legs flail like a battery-operated plastic doll. Her own arms didn’t seem to want to go back into their normal position, as if they’d been wrenched too far from their sockets. The current was stronger now.

  Please God, don’t let my baby die, and let my sister know I love her, Alison prayed out loud in a strangled voice as she willed her only child up to safety and the icy water pulled her down.

  2

  WILLIAM AND BETH

  A PUPPY BARKING got the day off to an early start for William Hammond. It took a few seconds before he realized it was the alarm on his phone. He jumped up, feeling the tension before he was fully awake. Yawning, he flicked open the phone to kill the yelp. A photo of two adorable Jack Russell puppies complete with cowboy neckerchiefs greeted him. He half smiled, half grimaced as he thought about hitting the snooze button, wishing that such a simple luxury was his this morning.