Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘Actually, I don’t know much about you at all,’ she admitted after a second or two, ‘although I thought Ali and I had no secrets from each other.’

  Bloody hell, that could have been dangerous, James thought, and took a gulp of the hot liquid to buy a few seconds. ‘I was . . . very fond of her. She was incredibly good to me.’ He felt sad talking about Alison, and a bit disloyal, which seemed absurd given the circumstances of their friendship.

  ‘Don’t tell me – a great listener.’ Lily kept her eyes fixed on his. ‘Or so everyone keeps telling me.’ Her voice was slightly sarcastic, he thought for a second, but then decided he’d imagined it. ‘Sorry, forgive me.’ She lowered her head. ‘It’s just that I’ve a lot on my plate at the moment. I didn’t mean anything by that remark.’ She looked like a lost child. ‘I loved her very much. She was my hero,’ she said quietly.

  James watched her fidget with the sugar sachets. ‘She was one of the best.’ He meant it.

  ‘It was nice of you to come all this way to pay your respects. Thank you.’

  ‘It was all . . . such a shock. I got an awful fright when I heard.’ He spoke almost to himself. ‘I miss her terribly.’ He felt guilty speaking about someone other than his wife in this way. As soon as he’d said it he felt like he’d confessed.

  He felt her eyes on him and stirred his coffee for ages.

  ‘I hope you won’t take offence at this.’ She bit her lip and swallowed. ‘But I feel I have to ask. Were you in love with Ali?’

  James was many things but not a liar. ‘I think I . . . I’m not really . . .’ He struggled with it himself. ‘I’m married, you know,’ he said needlessly.

  ‘Yes.’

  He sighed. ‘I suppose I was . . . a bit,’ he admitted. ‘Yes, I was in love with her, incredible and all as that feels, saying it out loud like this . . . and to you.’

  ‘And you were having a relationship with her,’ she asked after an awfully long pause, although it wasn’t really a question. She sounded as if she was talking to herself.

  ‘Yes,’ he said gently.

  She seemed to come to a decision. ‘James, can we meet again? Properly, I mean?’ He knew she was thrown by his admission, even though at first he had thought she knew all about it.

  ‘Of course, if it’ll help?’

  ‘It will, yes. It’s just that now I have to go. I’m sorry.’ He saw that she was fighting back tears.

  ‘No, it’s me who should be sorry for arriving un-announced like this.’ He stood up. ‘Let me give you my number.’ He reached in his pocket and took out his wallet. ‘Here’s my card.’ He handed it to her. ‘Call me when you’re ready. I can come down here again . . . any time.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Pleasure.’ He smiled and debated whether to say anything else. ‘Are you OK? I haven’t upset you or anything?’

  She shook her head but it was as if a veil had been drawn over the subject. Clearly she wasn’t prepared to talk any more about it for the moment.

  ‘Goodbye.’ She shook his hand and went quietly, leaving him with all the emotions he’d buried since he’d found out about Alison. He ordered another coffee and let the feelings of lust and loss and guilt wash over him.

  18

  LILY

  I DON’T KNOW why I felt so upset, so completely thrown, but I was. As soon as I reached the salon I changed my mind and went upstairs to the flat. There wasn’t much time: I had to meet a bride-to-be in less than an hour, to discuss the hen party she wanted to have in the place. Apparently, it was all the rage. A group of girls arrived and drank champagne while they detoxed. A waste of money on both counts, I would have thought, but then what did I know?

  Still, I was enjoying my time in Wicklow. I’d finally given in my notice to Stephen Pritchard and I was only helping them out a couple of mornings a week, otherwise my days were spent here.

  I threw myself on the bed. So, it was out: Ali was having an affair with a married man. I felt incredibly stupid because even though I’d known, deep down, that something was going on, it had still come as a shock. And I couldn’t understand why. Christ, I wasn’t a prude and this was 2006, not 1966. It was just that Ali had always been the sensible one, my guardian angel, the one I looked to for guidance. What the fuck were you thinking of, putting yourself through all that? I wanted to ask her, really angry for the first time since the death of my twin. I paced the room.

  ‘We always said that only idiots got involved with married men.’ I started talking to her as if she were standing in front of me. ‘Or was that just me?’ I wondered aloud. ‘Were you that desperate for sex?’ I demanded, flinging my coat on the bed.

  ‘Remember the old chestnut about some men wanting it both ways?’ I realized it was Aunt Rose who’d drummed that particular one into our heads when we were teenagers. ‘All that shite about men not respecting you in the morning.’ That one smacked of our father.

  Christ, that’s it. I sat down again on the edge of the bed. She probably did it to get back at him.

  ‘You two had better not give me any cause for concern now that you’re off to that fancy boarding school.’ My father was lecturing us again. ‘Remember what I told you: all men are the same. You keep that in mind and talk to your aunt Rose if you need to know anything.’

  ‘I’d get more information out of Sister Imelda, and she’s about ninety,’ I’d giggled to Ali when we’d been sent up to our rooms. ‘Oh Ali, I can’t wait to get free of this house, can you?’

  ‘Just promise me you’ll always come to me if you’re ever in trouble?’

  ‘I promise. Sure we’ll always be together anyway.’

  ‘And be careful if I’m not around, won’t you? Not all men can be trusted, you know.’

  ‘I know that, I’m not stupid.’ I was mortified.

  ‘And think before you make any decisions, Lily. Don’t always rush straight in, sure you won’t?’

  ‘No, Ali,’ I told her. ‘I’ll be good.’ It was my mantra by this stage.

  ‘And always remember that there’s nothing you can’t tell me, ever. OK?’

  ‘So why didn’t you tell me, eh?’ I finally said out loud what was really bothering me in all of this. ‘I could have helped, even if only to listen.’ I sat there for ages in the cold room. Eventually I knew I had to tell somebody.

  ‘Are you OK? You sound a bit flat,’ Sally said after we’d made small talk for a bit.

  ‘Ali was having an affair.’

  ‘Hang on, Lily, say that again, will you? I don’t think I heard you properly.’ Sally cursed the phone line and the time delay and everything else that was getting in the way of having a proper conversation when you were more than four thousand miles apart.

  ‘Oh yes, you heard right.’ This would have been the most incredibly juicy chunk of gossip to tell had it not involved my sister. Ali just wasn’t the type of woman who had an affair; up until now I’d have bet my life on it.

  ‘Did you say she was having an affair?’ Sally laughed but it was slightly nervous.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Hang on, let me close the window,’ Sally yelled as static drowned her out. ‘On second thoughts, I’ll ring you straight back. The noise here is deafening.’

  ‘No, I’ll ring you. This is going to take a while,’ I shouted back. ‘Hang up, I’ll call you straight away.’

  I dialled again and Sally answered immediately.

  ‘That’s a bit better, although I hate being so far away when there’re things going on.’ Sally tried to sound matter-of-fact. ‘Now, start again, tell me all.’

  I told her everything I knew.

  ‘OK, so she had a lover,’ Sally said eventually. ‘I’m a bit surprised but, let’s face it, it wouldn’t even make Oprah.’

  I laughed in spite of myself. ‘I think it wasn’t the first relationship she kept secret, either.’ I told her about the notes and bits and pieces I’d found written down. ‘Do you know something, Sal? I’m so angry with those fuckers that for a s
plit second before I rang you I even considered having sex with them myself, just so I could totally ruin their lives.’ I had to say it out loud, that way I knew for definite it wouldn’t happen. For one thing, I’d never have the balls; and for another, Sal wouldn’t let me.

  ‘How?’ Sally didn’t seem shocked. ‘How were you going to ruin their lives, I mean, as opposed to how were you planning to ride them all?’

  ‘I was going to record it and then post it to their wives.’

  ‘They’re all married then, I take it?’

  ‘Well, one of them certainly is. Wears a nice shiny wedding ring. Actually,’ I took a gulp of the stewed tea I’d brewed when I came in, ‘he’s the one I liked the most. He said he was in love with her.’

  ‘You’ve met them?’ That got her attention. ‘This is a joke, right? You’re winding me up?’

  ‘I wish I was. It’s freaking me out. Jesus, Sally, we were so close and she was always so . . .’

  ‘Perfect.’ Sally sighed. ‘And you looked up to her. Lily, are you absolutely sure this is not your imagination running riot?’

  ‘There were at least four men in her life at one point or another and she was having a relationship with one of them when she died. He admitted it.’

  ‘Maybe he was the only one. The rest could have just been, I dunno . . . massages or something. Anything.’ I sensed Sally felt disloyal even talking about it. Ali always had that effect on us all. She was always banging on about morals and doing the right thing.

  ‘Jesus, what were they like? Did they make your skin crawl?’ Sally continued, sounding fascinated.

  ‘One of them did, definitely. Dr William.’ I laughed. ‘But one I liked in spite of myself. And then there’s a guy who owns a restaurant, he’s cute. Christ, does that sound weird?’

  ‘No. How cute?’ Typical Sal, can’t put anything past her.

  ‘I haven’t decided yet. Anyway, the other one I met is a bit . . . I dunno. He sort of looks like Tom Jones.’

  We talked for another half-hour and then Sally had to go.

  ‘Listen, I’ll ring you tomorrow. Meanwhile, promise me you’ve abandoned that insane notion of sleeping with them for revenge, or whatever it was you said?’

  ‘I promise,’ I told her. ‘I don’t have the balls for it anyway, Sal.’ I said aloud what I’d been thinking. ‘You know me. Christ, I was mortified even talking to them.’

  ‘Good, keep it that way. Otherwise I’ll come straight home and drag you to a shrink. Failing that we’ll have a gang bang – you and me and the four you’ve discovered, OK?’ She was trying to snap me out of it, and her way was always to be a bit outrageous.

  ‘It is odd, though, isn’t it? I mean, she was the last person you’d expect to have a married lover.’

  ‘I told you, it’s no big deal. It’s just a lot for you to take in right now, with all you’re dealing with. If this had happened when she was alive, we wouldn’t even be talking about it.’

  ‘Listen, gotta go,’ I sighed, glancing at my watch. It all felt much less dramatic now. ‘Thanks, babe, I was going bonkers here, thinking about it. By the way, ring me in Cork tomorrow night, will you? At Aunt Milly’s. I’m going down to see Charlie. I can’t wait.’

  ‘Will you tell her?’

  ‘Are you mad? Christ, she’d have a fit. She idolized Ali.’

  ‘So did you,’ Sally said in a quiet voice. ‘That’s why this is all so hard. But it doesn’t change anything, you know that.’

  ‘I know.’ Suddenly I was all teary again.

  ‘Remember me, Lil? Your best friend – the one who offered her very married boss a blow job at the Christmas party a few years ago. Christ, thank God I left Dublin, I couldn’t have faced him leering at me every day. I was soooo drunk that night.’

  ‘But that’s you, Sally. And if I heard anything like this about you after you died, I wouldn’t be at all surprised,’ I told her and laughed as she snorted all the way from Oz. ‘But this madness . . .’ I scratched my head. ‘This wasn’t Ali.’

  ‘Well, she must have had her reasons. And whatever they were, you can bet she wanted to protect you and Charlie as well, so maybe that’s why she kept it all so secret.’

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘Listen to me,’ Sally said. ‘Will you talk to Orla about all this? I don’t want you shouldering it on your own. You have enough pressure at the moment.’

  ‘No.’ I was adamant. ‘The only reason I told you is because you’re away. I don’t want anyone around me knowing. It’s . . . I dunno, a bit gross, I guess. I have to deal with it myself first. Can you understand that? And you have to swear on your mother’s life that you won’t breathe a word to anyone.’

  ‘You don’t have to ask.’ Sally sighed.

  ‘Swear.’

  ‘I swear.’

  ‘OK, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, so.’

  ‘Yeah, and Lily, try to remember not all men are like, you know . . .’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I dunno what I’m trying to say, actually. Don’t mind me. You take care.’

  ‘Yes, you too. Bye.’ I hung up slowly. My father again, that was what she meant. Why did it always come back to him? I thought as I wandered downstairs to meet the head hen.

  I spotted them as soon as the train pulled in. My aunt was waving madly and holding Charlie up on a low wall so he could see. I saw him first and my heart skipped a beat as I watched him anxiously scanning the faces. Christ, I should never have let him go away, I thought now. What was I thinking of? I pushed my way out and ran towards them.

  ‘Mammy Lily,’ he screamed the second he saw me. His face broke into a huge smile and he practically flung himself off the wall, almost toppling my aunt in the process.

  ‘Lily, I mist you,’ he said as Milly struggled to keep a hold of his hood.

  ‘Oh Charlie, I missed you too.’ I grabbed him and he flung his arms around my neck and I swung him round, kissing him on the head and trying to get a good look at him. My aunt smiled and told me we were a picture.

  ‘Lily, you came on the train to see me.’ His eyes were huge. ‘Choo-choo.’ He blew steam and tried to whistle. ‘I want to go home. With you. Now.’ He got straight to the point.

  ‘No, love, not today. All the trains have stopped for the night.’ My heart turned over as I realized that I meant home to him now. ‘Hi, Aunt Milly, how are you?’ I stood up and hugged her in an effort not to get upset.

  ‘Grand, love, just fine.’ She tried to help with my bags but I shooed her away. ‘Honestly, I can manage.’ I felt guilty. Coping with a small child was more than enough for her. ‘He’s grown so big, have you been managing OK?’

  ‘Och yes, he’s a dote.’ Milly dismissed my worries with a smile. ‘Come on, I’ve got the car parked illegally right outside the door. I know Tom Dunne, the stationmaster. He always lets me park there.’

  ‘I have a lollipop.’ Charlie produced a bright orange circle with a face on it. ‘And I’m going to eat it.’

  ‘Not yet, love, once you’ve had your dinner,’ Milly told him. ‘Tom gave it to him as we came in,’ my aunt apologized. ‘I do try not to give him too many sweet things, but he’s such an adorable little chap, it’s hard to resist him at all.’

  ‘You’re a rogue.’ I ruffled his hair, which had grown longer and even curlier.

  ‘Doggie, I love doggies,’ he changed tack suddenly, making a run for a rather sullen-looking mongrel. I followed and grabbed his hood.

  ‘Woof-woof!’ He laughed and tried to pet it.

  ‘Be careful,’ I urged as Charlie went for his tail. ‘We don’t know him and he might be grumpy.’

  ‘He might bite me.’ Charlie looked like he’d welcome any contact with the animal and I eventually had to drag him away with the promise of more doggies and trains around the corner.

  We spent a very enjoyable weekend at the movies and in the park, and when we were at home I threw together a huge shepherd’s pie and made lasagne and soup for Milly’s freezer. It hel
ped ease my guilt. My aunt, meanwhile, churned out endless batches of scones and two of her neighbours called in because they knew there would be rhubarb tart on the go – but also to inspect the visitor, I suspected. I made real custard using organic cream and vanilla pods I’d picked up at the incredible English Market in Cork city. It was declared ‘better than Bird’s’ – the ultimate custard compliment in Ireland.

  We went to town on the train and Charlie was ecstatic and insisted on waving to everyone he met. I bought him a station-master’s cap in a toy shop in the city centre and he wouldn’t take it off, so Milly took photos of the two of us in the bath together, naked except for that cap. I wasn’t sure if my aunt would be embarrassed when she saw that I had stripped off and climbed in opposite Charlie. In fact the older woman didn’t seem one bit put out about it, so I took my cue from her, although she ran out laughing when Charlie urged her to ‘Get in, Milly, get in and play.’

  Over dinner and a glass of wine I told her about my fledgling plans to turn the salon into a café or deli of some sort.

  ‘I think that’s a wonderful idea, love.’ Her eyes were shining. ‘I just wish I was ten years younger and I’d come up and give you a hand.’

  ‘Slow down, I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’m not even sure I can afford it.’ I laughed, delighted with her enthusiasm. ‘But if I do go ahead, you’d better get in training,’ I told her, ‘because I don’t care how old you are, I’ll need you.’

  ‘It’s a deal.’ The older woman beamed at me.

  ‘Aunt Milly, did Ali ever mention anything to you about Charlie’s father?’ It was all I could think about since discovering her secret.

  ‘No, love, she didn’t.’ She took a sip of her drink and watched me for a second or two. ‘Are you concerned at all about that?’

  I shrugged, not sure how to answer. ‘I suppose I am. It’s funny, initially all I worried about was how I’d cope with Charlie and the effect it would have on my life.’ The wine had loosened my tongue. ‘Does that sound awful?’