Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘Don’t cry, love.’ My aunt hugged me again.

  ‘I’d give anything for her to be here.’ I blew my nose for the tenth time.

  ‘I know you would.’

  ‘Still, at least I have him.’ I nodded to where Charlie was, jumping in and out of the box while everyone clapped.

  ‘He didn’t want to leave Squirt,’ my aunt told us.

  ‘Squirt eats dandelions.’ Charlie was back and crawling around on all fours. ‘He looks like this.’ He weaved about on the floor. ‘He has a shell, it’s his house.’ He patted his back.

  ‘Squirt?’ I didn’t like the sound of him.

  ‘His pet tortoise,’ Aunt Milly said apologetically.

  ‘Finding Nemo,’ Daniel said with confidence.

  ‘Exactly – not that I’d know – but he and Thomas agonized about it for hours.’ Aunt Milly smiled at him, trying to win his support, I suspected. ‘I hope you don’t mind, dear. He wanted it so badly. Apparently Alison had promised him one and the Exotic Pet Centre in Douglas gave us a great discount . . .’

  ‘They’re not cheap . . . but great for a little boy,’ Daniel added encouragingly.

  ‘How much is she paying you?’ I laughed, sensing they were ganging up on me.

  ‘Did you get a vivarium?’ he asked Milly after giving me a knowing wink.

  ‘Oh yes, and a heated pad and two lamps.’ Since when had my aunt become the local reptile expert, I wondered.

  ‘I’ll pay you for it.’ I gave in. ‘I am so happy, this has made my night.’ I hugged her. ‘How on earth did you manage to get it all organized?’

  ‘I had a bit of help.’ Now it was her turn to wink at me. ‘This is all fantastic, love. I want to see everything.’

  ‘My God, where are you staying?’ I just remembered I’d no spare bed in the flat upstairs.

  ‘I booked a B&B just down the road, walking distance. The lady knew all about you.’ Milly was clearly impressed. ‘I didn’t want to ask you for names. It would have ruined the surprise.’

  ‘You’re amazing.’ I was so glad to have her in my life.

  ‘And I brought you up some of my mother’s old recipe books.’ She looked really pleased with herself.

  ‘I can see you two are getting all geared up to talk shop.’ Daniel smiled. ‘I should go. Nice to meet you.’ He kissed Aunt Milly on the cheek, then turned to me. ‘I had a good time. Totally unexpected, but just what I needed.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ I was flustered. Hell, I’d just told him his date had died and then abandoned him in a room full of strangers.

  ‘Yes, I am, honestly. I’ll drop in and see you – tomorrow or the next day, when things have calmed down a bit.’

  ‘Yes, please do.’ We shook hands awkwardly and then he leaned in and kissed my cheek and it tingled. I had a sudden urge to turn slightly and kiss him back.

  ‘She would have been very proud . . . of you both.’ He fluffed Charlie’s hair but the child had his face in a piece of lemon cake and never even noticed.

  ‘Don’t forget to call in,’ I told him.

  ‘I won’t,’ he promised and disappeared as quickly as he’d arrived.

  ‘I’m just glad this place isn’t any competition for me.’ Richard was back. ‘You and your aunt, you’re a formidable pair.’ He drained his glass. ‘I’d better find Daisy. I promised her we’d get back early.’

  ‘Thanks, you helped me a lot,’ I told him, feeling very confused about the evening. First Daniel, then Charlie appearing, the speeches, everything. I wanted to talk to Richard, ask him what he really thought, but he was here with his girlfriend.

  ‘Hey.’ Daisy appeared, as if I needed reminding.

  ‘I was just coming to find you. Ready to go?’

  ‘Sure.’ Daisy reached over and almost kissed me. ‘Thanks for inviting us. Sorry we’re rushing. Wedding plans.’ Her eyes danced.

  ‘Oh?’ I hoped it was bright and breezy.

  ‘Yes, we’ve finally set a date. They had a cancellation at Kinnity Castle. Somebody died apparently,’ she said without a trace of sympathy. ‘So, December the thirty-first it is.’

  ‘This year?’ I looked at Richard. Somehow I’d felt he’d never get round to it.

  ‘Yep, provided I can find someone who’s very friendly with Vera Wang,’ she giggled. I’d no idea what she was talking about.

  ‘Dress,’ she said helpfully, noticing my raised eyebrow.

  ‘I’d no idea either,’ Richard told me. ‘Now, mention Elizabeth David to one of us . . .’ He looked at me expectantly.

  ‘No idea,’ I joked.

  ‘Is she like, one of those Delia types?’ Daisy was losing the will to live, I could tell. ‘Anyway, let’s go, big boy.’

  Richard coughed. ‘Pet names, don’t you just love ’em,’ he apologized.

  ‘More than life itself.’ I grinned at him.

  ‘Anyway, hope you can come,’ Daisy said generously, while Richard stood there wishing she wasn’t saying it, I suspected. ‘I can’t wait to hook this guy.’ She blew him a kiss. ‘He’s quite a catch.’

  ‘Lucky you,’ I said and I think I meant it.

  32

  LILY

  WHEN THE REMAINING hangers-on had finally legged it Orla and I sat down for a last-minute run-through. At least that was the intention. There was some wine open so we poured ourselves a generous glass each and settled at one of the tables that faced the main street. Within minutes a drunk was trying to get in to order a kebab. Reluctantly I pulled down the blinds and turned up the dimmer on the lamps.

  ‘So, are you happy?’ Orla wanted to know.

  ‘Yes, I think so. As happy as I can be.’ I smiled, knowing she’d understand. ‘I’m exhausted, though,’ I told her. ‘All those nerves finally caught up with me.’

  ‘You sure hide it well.’ Orla laughed. ‘I’ve never seen anyone look so relaxed.’

  ‘It’s called internalizing.’

  ‘Yes, you do that a lot.’

  ‘You know, if Alison had been here she’d have organized everything and I would have just chilled. This is really the first thing I’ve ever had to do on my own.’

  Orla reached out and rubbed my leg. ‘Well, I know it’s probably not the right thing to say but I think you’ve blossomed. You wouldn’t have had the courage to do this before, I bet.’

  ‘Or the money . . .’

  ‘Yes, you never did tell me that story.’ Orla sipped her wine. ‘Not that I’m prying or anything.’

  ‘I know.’ But I knew she was curious. ‘It’s complicated and I will tell you, but not tonight.’ I raised my glass. ‘Let’s get tomorrow over with first.’

  ‘Cheers,’ she clinked, ‘and well done. I think it was a huge success. You got a great turnout and there were even a few cute guys.’ She grinned at me. ‘Top of the pile was Kevin Daly.’ She fanned herself. ‘I’m coming over all warm just thinking about him. He fancied you, though. I saw him watching you a few times.’

  ‘No comment.’ I grinned, but I was pleased.

  ‘OK, I get the message. Now, what do we need to do?’ Orla was all business.

  Within half an hour we had it sorted. We finished our drinks and I saw her to the door.

  ‘Your aunt left early,’ she remarked.

  ‘Yes, Charlie was wrecked. I wanted to keep him with me but because of the four a.m. start we decided it was better if he stayed with her tonight in the B&B. It’s a farmhouse, apparently, and he’s all excited about feeding the chickens in the morning. Wasn’t it great of Aunt Milly to come, though? She’s getting on and it can’t have been an easy journey with a three-year-old in tow. I told her to have a lie-in in the morning but I suspect she’ll be over first thing.’ I wagged my finger at Orla. ‘Just watch yourself. She’ll be in that kitchen giving instructions, I can tell.’

  ‘I liked her.’

  ‘Isn’t she a dote? She’s a great cook too, always was.’

  ‘How long will Charlie stay with her?’

  I
t was the question I asked myself every day. It was getting harder to be without him.

  ‘I don’t know, we agreed to think about it again once the café was up and running. I really miss him, though. Imagine,’ I laughed, ‘me, the least maternal person you’ve ever met, slobbering over a three-year-old? I nearly choked when I saw him in that box.’

  ‘He’s gorgeous, sure you couldn’t not fall in love with him. Those eyes.’ Orla rolled her own. ‘I was so happy to be part of tonight, Lily, it feels like a turning point for all of us.’

  ‘Thanks for everything.’ I gave her a hug. ‘I’m glad you’re here too.’

  ‘Well, gotta go.’ She stood up. ‘Early start and the boss is a cow.’ She made a face and we hugged again.

  I thrashed around in bed that night, my dreams a major blockbuster starring Alison, Charlie, James and his wife, Daniel, Richard and Daisy, William, Dave and my father. I was exhausted and it took a very strong power shower to revive me before dawn. It was blue-black outside when I was ready to go downstairs.

  I dressed carefully in a long grey linen pinafore with a white T-shirt underneath. I’d bought a couple of things specially. It was important to create the right image, I’d decided, so I tied my hair back in a plait and put on a little make-up. It felt exactly like it used to all those years ago when I’d secretly tried on Alison’s clothes and pretended to be her.

  Even though it was still the middle of the night as far as I was concerned, Orla and Violet were wasp-like as they buzzed about the place. I slotted in easily and even Aunt Milly, who arrived shortly afterwards, didn’t put us out too much. I was surprised to see her so early.

  ‘Where’s Charlie?’ I asked, disappointed. ‘Still snoring after all the excitement?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, he’s been up for hours.’ My aunt smiled. ‘Couldn’t wait to see the moo cows. He refused to come with me, even the promise of a brownie couldn’t shift him.’ She took off her coat. ‘Hazel, the owner of the B&B, insisted I leave him with her. She’s got a young ’un of her own, anyway. Said it would give her a good excuse to drop in later for a coffee. Now, where do you want me?’ she asked.

  ‘Are you sure he’ll be OK?’ I wasn’t entirely convinced.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure, love. Don’t worry. I left her the number here, just in case. He’s going to help feed all the animals. Can you think of anything nicer for a three-year-old boy?’

  ‘No, I suppose not,’ I said reluctantly.

  Soon she’d busied herself polishing mirrors and adjusting bits and pieces and it was lovely to have her around. She was content in silence, too, which I liked.

  At eight o’clock I turned over the sign for the first time and declared the place open, without breaking a bottle. Once again I walked outside to look in. It was a picture I never tired of. In the early grey winter light with only the odd streak of pink in the sky, most of the locals were still snoozing, and I liked the fact that my little haven was the only warmth in an otherwise chilly-looking street. It was a funny old town, a curious mixture of old-fashioned drapers’ shops side by side with mobile phone cubby holes and trendy pubs. I wished there wasn’t as much litter though, I thought as I picked up a chip bag, and made a mental note to ring the county council and complain about the lack of bins up this end of the street.

  ‘Do you do takeaway coffee?’ A voice behind took me by surprise.

  ‘Yes, of course.’ I must have looked startled.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.’ The young woman in the business suit smiled. ‘It’s great you’re open early. No one in this town moves before nine thirty. They still haven’t copped on to the fact that most of the population commute to Dublin and leave at the crack of dawn. You have to go through Bray to get a coffee – and no one in their right mind does – except for one trucker pit stop near Ashford.’ She raised her eyes. ‘And the coffee there is . . . well, let’s just say it’s an acquired taste.’

  I beamed at her. She couldn’t have known it, but she’d said exactly the right thing.

  She ordered coffee like an American, and then started texting while I got out the paper cups.

  ‘I don’t suppose you’d consider stocking soya milk?’ she asked without looking up. ‘I have an allergy to dairy and I’m going to suffer for this one all day.’ She indicated the milk I was just about to pour into the jug for steaming.

  ‘We already do.’ I reached for a carton. ‘Is this one OK? It’s organic.’ I made a mental note to make sure it was on the board so that customers knew they had a choice. ‘We also have rice milk if you’d prefer?’

  She was completely taken aback and I was ridiculously pleased. ‘Jesus, the locals are going to hate you.’ She stopped mid-text. ‘I’ve been asking them in Romano’s to do that for months. I’d given up trying. Soya’s fine.’ She indicated the carton.

  ‘I’m glad we can help.’

  ‘I’m going to be your best customer.’ She looked around. ‘Actually, can I book now for lunch for two on Saturday? About twelve thirty? I’d better introduce my husband to this place fast.’

  ‘Certainly. And please, do tell us if there’s anything we’re not doing.’ I was on a roll. ‘I promise we’ll act on it if we can, and if we can’t I’ll tell you why.’

  ‘Better and better.’ She beamed at me.

  ‘There you go.’ I handed over the coffee. ‘Now, as you’re our first customer, can I offer you a muffin on the house?’

  ‘I’d better not, I’m—’

  ‘They’re still warm, just out of the oven, and we’ve raspberry or white chocolate?’

  ‘Go on then.’

  ‘I’ll tell you what, try one of each and let me know what you think. They’re actually mini muffins, hardly a calorie in sight.’

  ‘Thanks very much. I hope you get lots of customers.’

  ‘Well, you can thank me by spreading the word.’

  The morning passed in a flash. We had quite a few customers and Aunt Milly proved a great self-appointed front-of-house person.

  ‘Mrs Pearson doesn’t get out much with her arthritis,’ she told me as she arranged a plate with two warm sultana scones and a little dish of homemade strawberry jam.

  ‘Who’s she?’ I asked.

  ‘Table eight.’ She was busy doing butter curls.

  ‘Do you know her?’ I wasn’t even aware we had a table eight.

  ‘No, but I knew what was wrong the minute she walked in. Poor love, her hands are all swollen.’

  ‘You’re amazing.’ I’d never have picked that up in a million years.

  ‘We should be serving fresh juices, do her the power of good.’ She bustled about.

  ‘I purposely decided not to. I don’t want to get too trendy,’ I replied, considering what she’d said.

  ‘Well, I think you should try a few – especially the green juices, using all fresh ingredients. People are really copping on to the health benefits associated with spinach, for instance.’

  ‘How would you know?’ I grinned. ‘The only thing you drink is Winter’s Tale Sherry or Barry’s Tea.’

  ‘We have books in Cork, you know.’ She gave me one of her withering looks. ‘I’ll send you something in the post.’

  ‘Yes, ma’am!’ I saluted. The woman was a marvel.

  We weren’t as rushed off our feet at lunchtime as I’d hoped after our busy morning, but all the plates seemed to be coming back empty. One man even asked for the recipe for our casserole – not a local, I decided.

  Charlie didn’t appear till almost two o’clock and he couldn’t stop talking, words I didn’t even know he knew. Hazel Sinclair declared him to be the brightest child she’d come across in a long time and Milly and I turned pink with pleasure. He’d been milking cows, apparently, so he had a white, frothy moustache and went around trying to get milk from the legs of the chairs, which had all the customers in stitches.

  Aunt Milly cleaned him up and we left to catch the Cork train less than an hour later. She was hugged to death and made t
o promise to come back soon. I, on the other hand, was practically flung out of the place. ‘If you rub down that counter once more you’re going to change the colour of the granite,’ Violet said, only half joking.

  ‘Thanks for covering for me,’ I told them, knowing I was abandoning ship. It was messy, but the only way to get a direct train to Cork was from Hueston station in Dublin, and the hour-long car journey there meant that taking a taxi was ridiculously expensive.

  * * *

  I was quiet on the journey, thinking again about being separated from Charlie. Aunt Milly kept asking if I was tired. Once satisfied on that score she chatted away for the entire trip, making suggestions gently and offering to help out any time.

  ‘You’ve been amazing.’ I hugged her for ages at the station, not keen for her to see my watery eyes. ‘And you mind Aunt Milly, won’t you, Charlie?’ I knelt down and buttoned up his coat, just to get to eye level with him. I noticed he’d gone all quiet and had been watching me for ages.

  ‘Don’t go to work,’ he said now, throwing his arms around me. ‘I love you, Mammy.’

  ‘Oh Charlie, darling, I love you so much.’ I kissed him all over his face. ‘I have to go to work now, but I’ll be down to see you soon – and Squirt too,’ I added quickly. ‘And don’t forget you’ll be coming to live with me before long.’ I brushed his hair out of his eyes.

  ‘Aunt Milly too?’ he asked in wonder.

  ‘Yes, if she wants,’ I told him, kissing him again. ‘And Squirt of course. And we’ll be getting a new dog.’

  ‘Woof-woof,’ he said, happy again.

  ‘I guess I’d better speed up my plans.’ I stood up and spoke to my aunt.

  ‘There’s no hurry, child. You take all the time you need.’ She tilted up my face. ‘You’ve done an incredible job to get as far as you have since your sister died.’ She kissed my head like she used to when we were kids. It was such a motherly gesture that it made me want to cry, especially after what Charlie had said.