Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘I’ll leave you for a couple of minutes,’ Brian said quietly.

  I looked at the envelope for ages and ran my hand over her writing, hoping to feel her close. Then I said a quick prayer and tore it open. It was much shorter than I would have liked and not at all personal.

  In the event of my death, I wish to place on record the identity of the father of my son Charles Joseph Ormond. In doing so I would also make it known here that I have instructed my solicitor Brian Daly that sole custody of my son Charlie is granted to my sister Lily who is to be given full responsibility for his upbringing. In late 2002 I had a relationship with a man and it continued for a number of years. This relationship was purely physical. The man in question was married and at the time of writing he and his wife are trying for their first child. I wish it to be known that I consider the man in question to be a decent and trustworthy person, however because of the nature of the relationship I do not envisage him playing any part in my son’s life. His name is James Weldon.

  I don’t know how long I sat there before Brian returned. He went quietly to his desk and waited for me to speak. For a split second after I read the letter I’d wondered if I could trust him but I dismissed the notion when I saw the worried look on his face.

  ‘Did Kevin know of the existence of this letter?’ I asked him eventually.

  ‘No, of course not,’ he said quietly.

  ‘I’m going to kill him.’ I bit my lip and handed Brian the page.

  If I’d had any lingering doubts – and I hadn’t – they would have disappeared as soon as I saw his expression when he read Alison’s letter.

  Neither of us spoke for a while, then eventually he said, ‘I’m very sorry. This is all my fault.’ He put his head in his hands. ‘I believed him, Lily.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked him. ‘Why would he put me through this?’

  ‘I haven’t the faintest idea, but if it’s not too much to ask, maybe you’d let me speak to him first. I might have more of a chance of getting an answer to that question.’

  ‘No,’ I said, quietly.

  ‘Please.’ Brian looked really upset. ‘I promise you I’ll get some answers. I know what buttons to push where my brother is concerned.’

  ‘How do we know how many more lies he’s told?’ I asked bitterly. ‘Do you know for a fact that he ever had anything to do with my sister?’

  ‘I know they’d gone out a couple of times.’ He was choosing his words carefully. ‘I introduced them,’ he said with a wry smile. ‘It didn’t last long. Afterwards he said it was nothing. I didn’t even know Alison was pregnant until after she’d had Charlie. I asked her directly if there was anything I should know – in a personal capacity – and she said no. I was relieved, to tell you the truth. Kevin would have been the last person I’d have wanted to be the father. Apart from that, my relationship with Alison was purely professional and it wouldn’t have been appropriate – in fact, if she had said that Kevin was the father I’d probably have insisted that another solicitor handle her affairs, for obvious reasons.’

  ‘That still doesn’t tell us why he lied.’

  ‘No,’ Brian said. ‘But if you give me forty-eight hours, I’ll be able to tell you, I promise.’

  52

  JAMES AND TAMSIN

  JAMES WAS WORRIED: it was a very frosty night and Tamsin was late. He’d been delighted when she’d phoned him in the office earlier to tell him she was meeting Maria for a drink. He knew how much she relied on her best friend, and this year Maria and Dan had gone to Australia for Christmas, to see his sister Helen, which meant they’d been away for a month. James had felt a teeny bit optimistic as he drove home to feed the dogs, knowing that Tamsin would tell her friend all about their attempts to adopt Charlie. He hoped it would bring her some relief. Colin Johnson, his boss, had phoned as soon as he arrived home.

  ‘James, I meant to see you before you left. I was just wondering how things were going?’ his old friend asked.

  ‘Sorry, boss, I ran out a bit early.’ James laughed. ‘Had to feed the monsters. Tamsin’s out tonight, I’m happy to report.’

  ‘That’s a good sign. How’s she been?’ Colin didn’t want to let on, but his wife had insisted he keep more of an eye on them, having called to see Tamsin the previous day.

  ‘The same, really. Very quiet.’ James got worried even thinking about how low she’d been. ‘It hasn’t been easy. By the way, say thanks to Anne for dropping by yesterday. Tamsin’s spending far too much time on her own at the moment.’

  ‘And how are you holding up?’ Colin always worried about James because James took care of everyone else.

  ‘I’m OK. Tired but, you know, I’m fine really. Why, has my work been suffering?’

  ‘Good grief, no, nothing like that. In fact, I think you should take a holiday, get some heat in your bones.’

  ‘You know what, Colin, you could be right. Maybe that’s just what she needs. I’ll talk to her about it later. Thanks.’ James was touched.

  ‘Oh and by the way, we’d like you two to come to dinner on Saturday week, catch up and all that. How about it?’

  ‘Great, I’ll let you know tomorrow. Thanks, Colin, you’re a good friend.’

  Now, at almost ten o’clock, she still hadn’t arrived home. He’d tried her mobile twice but it had rung out, not surprising if they were in a pub or restaurant. She never heard it. James knew she wouldn’t have more than one glass of wine, so that wasn’t a problem. He wished he’d thought to tell her he’d collect her, so that she could relax.

  He was just about to call Maria when the doorbell rang. She’s forgotten her keys again, James thought. He smiled to himself and shooed the dogs out of the way, wondering why they were barking. Normally they could smell her a mile off and merely wagged their tails furiously until she’d petted them. As soon as he saw the policeman, he feared the worst. Garda John Murray asked to come inside and told James as gently as he could that there’d been an accident and he needed to get to the Mater Hospital as quickly as possible.

  Later James couldn’t remember anything about the journey. Thankfully the Garda drove, but if the fresh-faced young man had any details he wasn’t letting on.

  The relief when he saw her was unlike anything James had ever experienced. She was bruised and her arm was broken and they were still doing tests, but at least she was alive.

  ‘Oh James, I’m so sorry.’ She burst into tears as soon as she saw him.

  ‘Shush, darling, don’t. It’s OK, I’m here.’ He kissed her and tried to wipe away her tears, but she was hysterical and eventually they had to sedate her and ask him to wait outside while they finished their tests, which they’d assured him were all routine.

  Later Garda Murray explained that it appeared a car driven by a young man had taken a corner at speed and ploughed into Tamsin, who’d been travelling in the opposite direction. He’d admitted responsibility and a breath test showed he was well above the legal limit for alcohol intake.

  ‘Thank God your wife was driving a jeep, which held up remarkably well,’ the officer said. ‘Otherwise it might have been much worse, from what I’ve been told by my colleagues.’

  ‘It’s the dogs,’ James told him unnecessarily, still in shock. ‘We need the jeep for them.’

  They brought him strong tea and eventually let him back in to see her, after confirming that there appeared to be no further damage.

  James had the difficult task of telling both their parents, but at least he was able to reassure them immediately that she was going to be fine. Her mother came straight away and his mum and dad went to be with the dogs and look after their house. The Irish were the only people he knew who believed that houses needed to be minded.

  After her mother was persuaded to leave, James sat by her bed all night and watched her while she slept.

  It was bright outside and he was dozing in the chair when she woke up.

  ‘James.’ Her voice was barely audible but he jumped anyway, alert for the slightest
sound.

  ‘It’s OK, love, I’m here and you’re grand.’

  ‘What happened?’

  He told her as little as possible in order to avoid upsetting her.

  ‘Is the other driver OK?’ she wanted to know.

  ‘He’s alive. They didn’t say much, just that he was badly smashed up but he’s not in any danger.’

  ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ Tamsin said quickly. ‘I mean—’

  ‘No, it wasn’t your fault. He’s admitted everything. Apparently he’d been out drinking with some of his mates.’ James didn’t want to think about what could have happened.

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ She was getting upset again and he hugged her as best he could and tried to soothe her. Eventually she fell asleep and her parents came in to let James go home and shower, and he was back by her side before she even noticed he’d gone.

  Much later that day she was able to sit up, although she was very sore and needed assistance. She asked for some tea, and after several cups and a half-slice of toast they were able to talk a little bit more.

  ‘James, all I can think of is . . .’

  ‘Never a good sign, you thinking.’ He held her hand and kissed it.

  ‘No, let me say it please. I know I’ve been selfish.’ She closed her eyes and sighed. ‘I think I’ve been very lucky and I want to try and, you know, start living my life again.’

  ‘That’s all I want, darling.’ James had tears in his eyes. ‘And I’m sorry for everything I put you through.’

  ‘We’ll be OK, me and you. We’re a family, aren’t we?’

  ‘Yes, love, we’re a family.’

  53

  LILY

  I SLEPT BADLY yet felt lighter when I woke up. As I lay there going through it all again in my mind, I knew I had to accept that I’d probably never really have answers about why my sister had done what she’d done. No matter how much I’d give to have one final conversation with her, it wasn’t going to happen. The only things I still had to decide on were what to do about James and what – if anything – to say to Kevin Daly. Thankfully I had the sense to realize that I was too nervous where James was concerned and too angry with Kevin to act rationally in either case, so I resolved to do nothing for the moment.

  I must have fallen back asleep because when I awoke the second time I could smell warm bread. Jumping up, I nearly had a heart attack when I discovered it was after nine. A quick call to Orla put my mind at rest and after a lightning shower I headed down to face the day, feeling a bit tired and emotional but otherwise OK.

  The girls insisted on feeding me before I did anything and Violet brought me the paper and a fresh pot of coffee as I sat in the window and people-watched and fell in love with Wicklow all over again. A class of very young school-children zig-zagged like snakes towards the charity shop, each one carrying a toy. The line was topped and tailed by a teacher, both of whom waved even though I barely knew them. Jack Donoghue, a local electrician, blew me a kiss and Maud, one of our regular pensioners, swatted an elderly man with a bunch of flowers and raised her eyes to heaven when she saw me. Her husband, I assumed, laughing, enjoying being part of it all, even if I was a blow-in.

  ‘Morning.’ Daniel Williams appeared out of nowhere.

  ‘What are you doing creeping up on people?’ It came out a bit sharper than I’d intended. I was still feeling vulnerable after that kiss.

  ‘Charming.’ He pulled out a chair and sat down without being asked. ‘Who stole your rattle then?’

  I laughed in spite of myself and we chatted as Naomi brought me scrambled eggs and bacon and a pile of hot toast.

  ‘I only came to tell you that my solicitor called and apparently we’re ready to close the sale, provided you have the rest of the finance in place.’ He nicked a piece of toast.

  ‘Yes, I do. Oh my God, that’s great.’ My animosity was instantly forgotten.

  ‘So I’m back in the good books then?’

  ‘For the moment,’ I laughingly admitted.

  ‘Terrific, because I wondered if you’d like to have dinner with me tonight? We can toast our first successful business venture together, perhaps?’

  My mouth was full of egg so I shot him a ‘what exactly do you want from me’ look. My recent experiences had warped my judgement.

  ‘I take it that’s a no then?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘So when did I go from being the nicest guy in the world and the one who saved your life and made you the happiest girl ever, ever, ever – at least I think that’s how you put it?’

  ‘I’m off men at the moment.’ I wanted to tell him about Kevin Daly – and Richard.

  ‘Well then, consider me your guardian angel.’ He got up. ‘I’ll pick you up at seven. Oh, and I’ve booked that new place in Gorey that you’ve been trying to get into for ages. Seems like it’s owned by one of my ex-girlfriends.’ He smiled sweetly.

  ‘As opposed to the current one you had in tow the other night?’ I could have kicked myself for asking.

  ‘My cousin Andrea, but thank you for your interest.’ I knew he was teasing but I wasn’t in teasing mode at the moment. ‘See you at seven, and try to smile, for God’s sake, otherwise you’ll frighten what little passing trade there is.’ He grabbed a piece of bacon.

  ‘Fine,’ I said through gritted teeth. I was not going to miss eating in the hottest place in the south-east for anyone. Anyway, I really wanted to go and besides, I owed him bigtime.

  ‘My treat,’ I said quietly without looking up.

  ‘Sorry?’ he enquired with a smug look.

  ‘I’ll pay,’ I told him in what I hoped was a bored voice.

  ‘Well, it’s better than a slap with a wet fish, I suppose,’ he said and I giggled. ‘Actually, I’d settle for the old Lily back.’

  He was gone before I had a chance to apologize.

  Brian Daly dropped by just as the lunchtime rush was starting. It was turning into one of those days.

  ‘Would you have ten minutes to talk?’ he asked quietly.

  ‘Not really,’ I told him, glancing at my watch.

  ‘Lily, we’re well covered if you need to take some time out.’ Orla had overheard him as she stocked up the chiller cabinet.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Positive.’ She smiled at me.

  ‘Thanks a mil,’ I told her. ‘Could we get out of here?’ I asked Brian. ‘I think I need some air.’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘How about I make us a sandwich and we sit on one of those wooden benches just out the road?’ I suggested.

  ‘Is it not a bit chilly for a picnic?’

  ‘I’ll make us two hot chocolates. Deal?’

  ‘Deal.’

  It was what could only be described as bracing as we sat on a bench in the car park in full view of passing cars.

  ‘I wonder why they picked this particular spot for a picnic area. It’s a wind tunnel. And wouldn’t the kids be playing with the traffic?’ I was thinking of Charlie.

  ‘It is rather busy.’ He smiled and as if to emphasize the point a jeep roared by.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Brian asked as a horn was tooted and a very large hand waved madly in our direction through an open window.

  ‘Daniel Williams,’ I told him, waving back and trying not to look too interested.

  ‘Nice guy,’ Brian said. ‘Seems like a decent sort.’

  ‘He is.’ I spread out our food and cupped the hot chocolate for warmth. This was a mad idea, I decided. It was grey and breezy, not helped by the choppy sea all around us.

  ‘I spoke to Kevin last night,’ Brian said quietly after a pause.

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘There’s no easy way to say this.’ He looked wrecked, I noticed for the first time.

  ‘Say what?’ My heart was working overtime again.

  ‘He found out that there was a lot of money coming Charlie’s way.’ Brian kept his eyes on my face.

  ‘How?’ I wasn’t surprised but I was shocked nonetheless.
>
  ‘I’m sorry, Lily, but it appears to have been my fault. It seems he saw your file open on my desk. I should never have left him alone in there.’ He banged his fist on the bench and gritted his teeth. ‘My landline was acting up and an important call came through. I was gone for less than a minute but it was totally unprofessional of me and something I’d never normally do.’

  ‘I see.’ I felt relieved that my instincts not to trust Kevin were so spot-on. Shame it had taken me so long in the first place.

  ‘I’m always so careful but, Lily, this is very serious for me. I should have known better. And with Kevin, of all people. I’m very sorry,’ he said again. ‘It is completely unacceptable that because of me he was in a position to . . . abuse you and—’

  ‘He didn’t abuse me, Brian. Don’t give him any more power than he deserves.’

  ‘I will report him to the police, of course, and I’ll have to tell our senior partner. You’ll be assigned another member of staff immediately.’ He looked devastated and my heart went out to him.

  ‘What will the guards do? It’s his word against yours,’ I said gently. ‘And as for another solicitor, I don’t want one.’

  ‘But, Lily, you don’t understand the implication of what I let happen. It’s—’

  ‘Nothing happened. He didn’t get away with it and that’s all that matters. As long as you give me your word that he will never come anywhere near me – or Charlie – again, I’m happy.’

  ‘He’s leaving for London this evening. I got him to sign a document relinquishing any claim on you or Charlie. Not that he ever had any – thank God we had that letter. I just did it as a double precaution. Also, I taped our conversation and if my father gets to hear about this his inheritance is out the window and he knows it.’ But, Lily, I don’t deserve to get off so lightly. I think you should take independent advice on the matter.’

  ‘Thankfully, very few of us get what we deserve,’ I told him. ‘I’m just glad it’s over.’

  54

  LILY

  THE NOTION OF getting and not getting what we deserve stayed with me as I helped the girls cope with the last of the lunchers.