Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘And now for a complete contrast,’ he said as he held open the door. ‘Let me introduce you to Wicklow’s best-kept secret.’ He was trying to distract me, and it worked.

  The smell of bacon and chips and sausages cooking in real dripping or lard or something filled my nose as soon as we got inside. The place was a ready-made, de-clutter your life TV show but it was perfect. The walls were stained and the shelves were bursting – one even held a large frame containing those old currency notes from all around Europe and there were treacly black beams holding it all together.

  ‘Wow!’ I hadn’t even known of its existence. ‘It’s fantastic . . .’ I looked around the spotless, Formica-filled room. You could see the kitchen and there were bottles and plates and crates everywhere, but it was organized chaos. ‘. . . although I’d say your chances of getting a brandy in here are very slim.’ I made an attempt at humour to hide the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  ‘I know the owner.’ He winked. ‘I can’t believe you like it. Why on earth did I go to all that trouble to get a table in Gorey tonight when I could have just brought you straight here?’

  It was still early enough that the place was empty although Daniel told me that once the pubs closed it would be jammed with punters looking for soakage. ‘So, what’ll you have?’ he wanted to know.

  ‘Actually, a big pot of tea would be great,’ I said.

  I watched him chatting to a fat Italian man with a handlebar moustache and a minute later he came back with an old-fashioned, squashed aluminium teapot and a mug for me, and coffee and a small brandy for himself.

  ‘So tell me, please. What do you know?’

  ‘Lily, I don’t know a huge amount.’ He seemed to be warning me. ‘I was only with her for a few days, remember. But what I did learn was that Alison had a number of . . . men in her life – whom she slept with on a regular basis,’ he told me simply. ‘That’s it, in a nutshell.’ He watched me as I stirred the thick, black tea.

  ‘And got paid for it?’ I needed it hammered home.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So she was . . . a prostitute?’ I said. There it was, out in the open at last, the one word I’d tried to avoid using, even to myself. And it was me who’d finally said it. I was shocked that I was shocked.

  ‘Yes,’ he said very quietly.

  ‘And you’re absolutely sure?’ What a ridiculous question.

  ‘It’s what she told me.’

  ‘Straight out, that’s what she called herself?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘God.’ I felt icy cold in the stifling heat.

  ‘But you knew, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I answered truthfully. ‘But funnily enough, now it’s like I just found out this minute.’

  ‘How come?’

  ‘Because I kept expecting someone to guffaw and tell me it was all in my head. Can you believe that?’

  He nodded.

  ‘A rational explanation, something I’d missed, you know?’ I laughed. ‘You see, Daniel, she just wasn’t that type of girl.’

  We sat in silence for a while then and he acted as if my snivelling was completely natural.

  ‘So, what do you know?’ he asked after a while.

  I told him briefly what I’d learned and how for a long time I assumed she’d just had a number of affairs or something. I told him about William and then Dave dying and how it all just didn’t seem to fit until eventually Richard more or less said it straight out. I explained how even then I was convinced I was putting two and two together and getting forty. He listened carefully and I knew from the way he kept nodding that none of it was new to him.

  ‘For a long time I wouldn’t let myself think about it.’ I could feel the tears threatening because finally it had been confirmed beyond doubt. ‘I guess I just needed to hear the word out loud,’ I told him. ‘But still, even now that I know for sure, I don’t want it to be true.’ I had to bite my lip to stop it quivering.

  ‘Oh Lily, come ’ere to me.’ He came over to my side of the table then and put his arms around me and let me cry noisily and didn’t appear to be fazed or mortified at all.

  ‘I’m OK,’ I told him eventually and he went back to his own side but held on to my hand across the table.

  ‘Can I ask you something else?’ Daniel nodded. ‘Why on earth didn’t you tell me earlier?’

  ‘It wasn’t my story to tell, Lily.’ He looked at me for ages. ‘It was her secret. I had to let you figure it out for yourself.’ He paused. ‘Tonight, when we talked, I knew you had.’

  ‘Yeah, I had,’ I said and tried not to sound bitter. ‘But keeping it all bottled up nearly ruined my life,’ I told him. ‘Christ, for one brief moment along the way I was even planning revenge . . .’ My voice trailed off.

  He sighed. ‘I’m sorry it’s been so hard on you.’

  ‘You’ve no idea.’

  ‘No, I haven’t,’ he said softly.

  ‘I could have ruined more lives . . . if I’d gone ahead with my plan.’ I didn’t look at him.

  ‘But you didn’t.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘And you still love your sister just as much, in spite of it all.’ It wasn’t a question.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you love her little boy as if he were your own.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then I’d say that’s a good result.’

  ‘Daniel, did she say why she did it?’

  ‘For the money,’ he said simply. ‘She was determined to build a life for the two of you and she wanted a really good standard of living for you, especially. She told me you both had to go without when your mother died, and that you minded much more than she did.’ He was being careful, trying to make sure I wouldn’t get upset; I could tell from the way he kept his eyes on my face and paused for a second here and there, stirring his coffee, giving me a breather. ‘She talked a lot about your father, about how he controlled you both. She sometimes wondered if she did what she did partly because she liked the idea of controlling men for a change. But mainly she did it because it offered her a chance to build a better life for herself – and for you. At one point she said she spent so many years smiling and doing exactly what she was told by your father that it was no problem to smile and pretend that she had something special going on with each of the men. And then Charlie came along and instead of protecting you like she had done for so long, she was protecting her child, as well, in that she was building a secure future for him with the money she was earning.’

  I swallowed hard and he noticed and kept talking. ‘It came about because a friend of hers – someone she worked with, as far as I remember – was making huge money from it. The whole internet thing was just taking off. The woman ran a sort of high-class escort service. She introduced Alison to a doctor or someone and it started from there. It was a million miles away from men in macs and women standing on street corners. And she was very careful, by the way,’ he said as if trying to reassure me. ‘Someone always knew who she was with and where.’

  ‘And then she got pregnant. Did she mention the father?’

  ‘Yes, I gather she became very attached to him. But he was married, as most of the men were. And he loved his wife – the usual – but they were having problems . . .’

  I was just about to tell him more, but then I decided that that was a story for another time.

  ‘Did she consider having an abortion, do you know?’ I poured some more tea and cradled the warmth. It was something I’d wondered about a lot. In some ways it would have been the easy option for her.

  ‘No, I don’t think so. She said having Charlie was the best thing that had come out of it all.’

  ‘I see.’ I was trying not to get too upset.

  ‘And she talked about you often. About how much she loved you and had tried to protect you because you were so outspoken to your father that you normally came off much worse than she did.’

  I nodded, remembering.

  ‘Lily, did he hit you?�
�� he asked softly, taking my hand.

  ‘No, but he punished us – me, really. I was always in my room, or not allowed out because I gave cheek. But I think Ali had to put up with a lot too, or else I’ve blocked it out,’ I said. ‘Sometimes I can’t remember things, and sometimes I have different memories. It’s weird.’

  ‘He sounds like a complete bastard,’ Daniel said and his lips were tight.

  ‘Well, he didn’t abuse us or anything but yes, it was tough. He turned my sister into the sort of woman who said “How high?” when men asked her to jump. And me into the sort of woman who doesn’t trust anyone, who nearly gave away a child because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to love him properly . . .’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he told me, not for the first time. ‘But Lily, you’d never have given Charlie away.’

  ‘Do you think not?’

  ‘I know it.’ He smiled.

  ‘Did she know about the money at that stage?’ I wanted it all tied up now. I just couldn’t face any more stuff coming out later.

  ‘No, I don’t think so. I don’t know anything about any money,’ he said simply.

  ‘My father left a lot . . . It’s complicated.’ I sighed. ‘I’ll tell you about it, if that’s OK? But not just now.’

  ‘You don’t have to.’

  ‘No, I want to.’

  ‘She had decided to give it all up – the men. I do know that. She felt she’d made a difference to your lives and wanted . . . I dunno, something else for the three of you. I was simply the person she spoke to because the time was right, I suspect. And she said that talking about it had helped her come to a decision. That was why she wanted us to meet again, in a year.’ He looked sad. ‘It was all going to be different, she was determined.’

  ‘That simple?’ I wasn’t sure.

  ‘Yes, actually it was that simple.’

  We talked for a while longer, until I nearly fell over with tiredness, and then he walked me to my door.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘It’s like the final piece in the jigsaw.’

  ‘I don’t know it all,’ he said anxiously. ‘I wouldn’t want you to think that.’

  ‘You know enough for me to be able to move on with my own life at last.’

  ‘You knew it all along, Lily. And you were doing just that anyway,’ he told me. ‘Look at what you’ve achieved in a short time.’ He tilted up my face. ‘I think you’re amazing.’ He kissed me then, more gently than ever.

  ‘Goodnight,’ he said softly.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I’ll drop in tomorrow, just to make sure you’re OK. Call me if you need me.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I meant it.

  He tapped me on the nose and made to walk away. ‘No worries.’

  ‘Can I ask you one last question?’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Did you sleep with her?’

  He looked disappointed that I’d asked. ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘I dunno.’

  ‘Well, it shouldn’t. That’s between me and her.’

  ‘Maybe I need to know.’

  ‘And maybe I’ll tell you some time. But judge me as you find me, Lily. And decide if you think you can trust me based on that. Goodnight,’ he said quietly and started to go, then changed his mind. ‘Oh and by the way, we are a couple, so put a notice in your window,’ and this time he walked away without looking back.

  56

  LILY AND CHARLIE

  THE HOUSE LOOKED like a giant christmas tree. There were lights everywhere, thanks mainly to Aunt Milly and Daniel’s mum – or Sara, as she’d insisted I call her. Between them they’d indulged all their childhood fantasies, I reckoned. The garden was practically a fire hazard with tealights and candles all over the place – in jam jars hanging in the trees, on sticks plunged into the ground to guide a path to the door and all along the window ledges.

  Charlie’s eyes were the only things that came close for sparkle appeal. He was in his element as he toddled around with Squirt held high above his head. This was because we’d earlier caught Max sniffing at him in a rather alarming, lip-smacking way that Aunt Milly reckoned would have meant curtains for the tortoise if she hadn’t wandered into the room at precisely that moment.

  ‘Bold boy,’ Charlie kept repeating to a bemused-looking Max.

  ‘Is it any wonder the poor animal is confused?’ Sara laughed. ‘Every time he says it he plants a big wet kiss on the dog’s mouth.’

  ‘Down.’ Charlie had found a new word. The only problem was that he sat on Max every time he said it, in order to ram home his command.

  Daniel had been going around all day with a drill in his hands and said he’d never felt so needed by so many women. Orla, Violet and Naomi had done all the food, supervised, of course, by my aunt, who insisted everyone say ‘Yes, chef’ or ‘No, chef’ in response to her requests. The whole shebang was a circus, really.

  The first of the guests arrived about eight and Daniel escaped to change.

  ‘You OK?’ he asked, planting a big kiss on my head.

  Every time he came close I had to pinch myself that it really was me he was after.

  ‘Yeah, excited. It’s my first-ever housewarming, did I say?’

  ‘Only about a million times.’ He laughed.

  ‘Don’t be long,’ I warned him. ‘I may need you when James and Tamsin get here. I’m very nervous about it.’

  ‘Back in a jif,’ he promised, as Charlie and I went to meet and greet our visitors.

  Everyone had brought a present for me for the house and something for Charlie, so that eventually, instead of saying hello to new arrivals, he simply said, ‘Can I have my present now, thank you?’ and held out his hands.

  ‘Look who I’ve found,’ Daniel said on his return. ‘I introduced myself.’ He smiled at me and gave me a look that said, ‘It’s all going to be OK. Chill.’

  I glanced over his shoulder to find a very fidgety James in tow, with Tamsin holding back a bit, still looking frail.

  ‘Hi there,’ I said a tad overenthusiastically, in order to hide my nerves. ‘Charlie, come and say hello.’ I held out my hand and he shot past me, mainly because he’d just spotted a very large, brightly wrapped box in James’s arms.

  ‘For me?’ he said, skipping the pleasantries altogether at this stage.

  ‘Are you Max?’ James asked, getting down on his hunkers. Immediately I saw the resemblance. They had exactly the same jawline.

  ‘No, I’m Charlie.’ He put his hands in his pockets and seemed to throw back his shoulders in a gesture that clearly said Max had two chances of getting his paws on that parcel – slim and none.

  ‘But this is for Max,’ James said, without taking his eyes off him.

  ‘Max bold.’ Charlie made a last-ditch effort to secure the booty. ‘Max very bold boy.’

  ‘Oh well, in that case, I think you’d better have it.’

  ‘I’m very good,’ Charlie said and lunged at the parcel. I’d tipped James off that if he wanted to make an immediate impact a train of any description should do it, and we all watched as my little boy’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets when he tore off the wrapping and discovered a million bits of track and carriages and engines and even a painted stationmaster along with a rake of passengers.

  ‘What do you say to James and Tamsin?’ I asked him.

  ‘Tanx a million,’ he said and threw his arms around the man he’d only just met but who was going to play a big part in his future, I suspected.

  I looked up and Tamsin was fighting back tears. ‘Thank you,’ she mouthed.

  ‘I found this woman trying to gatecrash,’ Daniel announced at that precise moment, in an effort to lighten things. ‘Do you know her at all?’ His smile was much more relaxed this time, I noticed.

  A face I hadn’t seen in years peeked out from behind his back.

  ‘Sally,’ I screamed and finally I did burst into tears.

  Unfortunately, so did Charlie, who got a fright because he thought I was
upset. I lifted him up and held him tightly, right next to my heart, where he belonged.

  ‘How on earth did you find us, out here in the sticks?’ I just couldn’t believe she was there, standing right in front of me.

  ‘Long story.’ She danced me and Charlie around the room. ‘Let’s just say I’ve missed far too many important nights in your life this last while, so if you’ve any plans to get married could you please do so in the next month?’

  Everyone who heard her cheered at that and the slagging started in earnest then.

  ‘Lily, I can’t thank you enough.’ James caught me on my own in the hall. ‘You’ve no idea what this means to us.’

  ‘Isn’t he a dote?’

  ‘He’s simply the most amazing little boy,’ he said shyly. ‘He’s a credit to you – and to Alison.’

  ‘He has your jaw,’ I told him.

  ‘Really? That’s exactly what my wife said.’ He sounded very proud.

  After that, it was the nicest night of my whole life as I held my baby and entertained all my friends – old and new – in my first-ever house.

  ‘I’m so hot,’ I told Daniel much later. I hadn’t seen him for ages and every time I’d spotted him in the crowd my heart had lurched. Once or twice I managed to catch his eye and when he’d smiled at me I wanted to burst with happiness.

  ‘Tell you what, let’s sneak outside and catch some air,’ he said now, grabbing a bottle of wine and two glasses.

  ‘Great idea.’ I followed him and we hid in a quiet corner of the garden on my new swing chair – a present from Aunt Milly.

  ‘Isn’t this perfect?’ I sank into the cushions and tucked my feet up under me.

  ‘I’d say it’s damn near perfect.’ He poured and handed me a glass.

  ‘To you,’ he said simply. ‘I wish you and Charlie many years of good health in this house.’

  ‘Thank you, it’s all I pray for really.’

  ‘You deserve it.’ He smiled and took my glass away and kissed me.

  ‘Imagine, a while ago it felt like I had nobody except him and my aunt and now look . . . We’ve made so many new friends – or aunties and uncles as Charlie keeps calling them, in the hope of even more goodies. And he’s got a father, although he doesn’t know it yet.’