by Vicki Green
I don’t know what’s goin’ on in that pretty head of hers but I’m thankful she’s come back to me, lyin’ in my arms where she belongs. I close my eyes and start to drift off, blessed beyond belief.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
“Mama! Papa! Watch me!”
It’s been two months since Evie started takin’ ridin’ lessons. We’re at the ranch where she takes them. “We see you, baby girl,” I yell out to her in the small arena. This ranch is set up for lessons, ridin’ and jumpin’, and even gettin’ people ready to compete in some pretty fancy tournaments. Clive Simmons owns it, runs it, and does the trainin’. He’s really been great with Evie. He’d have to have the patience of a saint. I chuckle quietly. We’ve been bringin’ Sparkles here with Evie every weekend. Clive also trains the horses too. Sadie grabs my hand, squeezin’ it so tightly I think she might bruise it, as Evie takes off on Sparkles, round a corner then lettin’ him out full run. My heart might have lodged in my throat as Evie jumps Sparkles over a rail that’s set fairly high. Evie does it with ease, makin’ it look so easy. Like they’re flyin’ in the air. I look over at Sadie, her bottom lip in her mouth, makin’ me think she might draw blood with how hard she’s bitin’ down. “It’s over, baby,” I tell her, givin’ her a smile. She looks over at me and releases that plump lip. “She did great.” Sadie nods, the look of fear still etched on her beautiful face and fillin’ her eyes. “Uh…” I look down at the death grip she still has on my hand. “You can ease up on that now.” Her eyes snap down to our hands and as she releases her grip, she looks up at me and smiles. But that smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She’s still scared about Evie doin’ this.
“Did you see? Did you see?”
I look up at Evie, all excited, sittin’ on Sparkles in front of us. Her eyes are lit up like the Fourth of July. “We saw, baby girl. You did amazing!” She looks at Sadie.
“Sparkles and I flewed.” She smiles.
I watch Sadie relax, a little. “You flew. Yes, you did good, honey.” Sadie smiles.
“We did great,” Evie corrects.
“Evie. Go change your clothes and Brooks’ll get Sparkles’ saddle off then you can brush him down,” Clive’s voice booms as he walks towards us. “Remember, we need to take care of our horses and they’ll take care of us.” She nods at him, her dark blonde hair bouncin’ with her movements. She waves to us and then turns Sparkles around and walks him out of the arena. Clive walks over to us until he stands in front of us, leaning his arm down on the railin’, lookin’ out where Evie left the arena. “She’s doin’ mighty well.” He turns his head and looks at us. “She’s a natural, Memphis, Sadie. Not sure if she wants to compete but she’d be good at it.”
“Compete? Hadn’t thought that far. Is that somethin’ she wants to do? We haven’t talked about it and I haven’t heard her mention it.” I look at Sadie and that bottom lip is in between her teeth again.
He lifts the rim of his cowboy hat and smiles. “Yeah. I’ve mentioned it to her and she really wants to. Guess she just hasn’t told you yet.”
I continue to look at Sadie until she finally looks at me. “I guess if that’s something she has her heart set on.” She doesn’t seem really sure about it, but I know she’ll want whatever makes Evie happy. Same as me. I look over at Clive and nod.
“If it’s what she wants. We’ll talk to her about it and let you know.”
He stands, turns, and faces us, both hands on the rail then looks at Sadie. “Nothin’ one hundred percent safe in this life, Sadie. But I’ll guarantee ya that I’ll teach her how to do everythin’ as safe as possible and tell her what could happen if she doesn’t. I’ll make sure she understands and I’ll train her to the best of my ability. She’s got this in her, I can tell ya that. And from bein’ a pa myself to her ma, you’ll always worry about everythin’ she does, no matter what. Ya just need to give her a chance to show you what she’s capable of.” He lifts his hand to the rim of his hat as he turns and walk towards the exit of the arena.
I look over at Sadie and take her hand in mine. “We gotta let her try, baby, do the things she wants to do. I know you’ll worry. Hell, I’ll worry. But if it’s what makes her happy, if she loves it as much as I think she does, she’ll do great.” I reach over and cup her face, strokin’ my thumb over her soft cheek. “We can’t keep her at home for the rest of her life and guard her from livin’.” I give her a small smile. Her lip pops out of her mouth and a small sad smile appears. “That’s my girl.” I lean in and kiss her lips.
After today, Evie practices with Sparkles at home. I had to set up several bales of hay in the pasture, spreadin’ them out a fair distance, so she could practice. Seems she lives and breathes ridin’ and jumpin now, leavin’ her Barbie’s behind. Kinda sad that she’s growin’ up so quickly, but she’s always smilin’ and tellin’ us how well she’s doin’, how much fun she’s havin’. Guess it’s worth it. Pa wasn’t kiddin’ when he once told me that kids grow up so fast. Back then, I had no idea what he was talkin’ about. Now I do and I hate it.
Over the next two months, she’s gotten so good that she’ll be in her first competition in a couple of weeks. To say she’s excited wouldn’t be describin’ it very well. It’s all she talks about.
Sadie’s tummy is getting’ pretty big, so big that at five months I thought she was gonna have twins again, but the doc said there’s only one heartbeat, and we’ve heard it for ourselves, so I guess there’s only one baby in there. Sadie said it’s ‘cos she was so stretched out from havin’ the twins and that’s why she’s so big already. I just scratch my head and nod, not understandin’ this one bit. But this baby? This baby wants out badly. It kicks up a storm all the time and we can even see their foot press against Sadie’s stomach. My eyes widen every time and Sadie just laughs at me. I asked her if the baby was hurtin’ her and she’d just smile and tell me it just feels like life inside her. Like I’d know what that feels like. Still, as long as they’re both healthy, that’s all that matters to me. Guess I’m gonna have another active youngin’ on my hands. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Sadie! We’re gonna be late!” I yell up from the bottom of the stairs.
I look at the clock on the wall then back upstairs. We’re gonna be late. Colby and Shiloh’s new baby, Jasmine, is supposed to be baptized over at the church in fifteen minutes. I don’t know what’s takin’ Sadie so long. I look over at the kids, sittin’ in chairs in the foyer. “I’m gonna go check on your ma.” I don’t wait for them to answer as I start up the stairs. Sadie’s been complainin’ of back aches lately and some mild crampin’ but she’s told me it’s just normal. I don’t know what’s normal but I know all I do is worry now. “Sadie?” I call out her name as I walk into our bedroom. Empty. I head to the bathroom, thinkin’ she’s still puttin’ on her makeup, only to find her on the floor, head down in the toilet and blood poolin’ around her on the floor.
Sadie!” I rush over to her, landin’ on my knees next to her. I grab her long hair, pullin’ it out of her way. “Baby, what’s wrong? You’re bleeding!” Now, I’m normally pretty calm but when it comes to my girl, my family, all bets are off on calmness. With my other hand, I pull my phone out of the front pocket of my dress pants and swipe the screen then punch in numbers.
9-1-1.
Sadie lets out a moan as the call connects. “I need…” I swallow hard, tryin’ to get the lump down in my throat. “I need an ambulance. Hurry, please.” The person asks me a ton of questions, rattlin’ off my address. “Yes, that’s it. Please hurry.” I explain Sadie’s throwin’ up, she’s bleedin’ and she’s five months pregnant. After promises that an ambulance is on its way, we end the call. I get up and wet a wash cloth, dabbin’ the sweat on Sadie’s forehead. “It’s gonna be okay, Sadie. An ambulance is on its way. Hang in there for me, okay? Everythin’s gonna be alright.” My stomach is in knots. Fear grabs aho
ld of me as I call Colby and tell him what’s goin’ on. He tells me as soon as he can, he’ll come up to the hospital and that they’re prayin’ for us. After I hang up, I sit down on the bathroom floor, pullin’ Sadie against me. She looks up at me, worry fillin’ her eyes, dark circles beneath them, and I close my eyes. Leanin’ my head against hers, I say my own prayers.
The ambulance came. The kids freaked out. Can’t say I could blame them. I’m pretty freaked out myself. I called Trevor and he came and got the kids. I promised them I’d keep them updated and as soon as they’re allowed, Trevor would bring them up to the hospital. That was the only way I could get them to leave their mama.
I get to the hospital and am directed to a waiting room on the fifth floor. The birthin’ floor. There’s no greater anxiousness than waitin’ to hear how a loved one is fairin’. The wait alone might give me a heart attack. It’s not that long when Colby, Shiloh, Tina, and Prie are in the room with me but I can’t sit still, I just keep pacin’ the floor.
“Mr. Johnson?”
I stop dead then rush over to a nurse who’d entered the room. “Yes. I’m Memphis. Where’s my wife? Is she okay? What’s happenin’?”
The nurse smiles. “She’s doin’ fine, Memphis. I’d like to take you to her but the doctor would like to chat with you first. Follow me, please.”
The doctor wants to chat? What the hell? I just need to see Sadie, know that she’s okay. Reluctantly, I turn to my friends. They all give me sad smiles, nods, and wish me and Sadie well and I follow the nurse from the room. We walk down two hallways before she stops at a door, holdin’ her hand out for me to go in. Dr. Pratt, Sadie’s OB, is sittin’ in a chair behind a large desk. He looks up at me from over his glasses and smiles as I get close.
“Memphis,” he says as he stands, holdin’ his hand out. I shake it, not feelin’ so much like smilin’. “Please, sit down.”
Shakin’ my head, I cross my arms over my chest. “What’s going on, Dave?” His smile falters as he sits back down.
“Very well. Memphis…” He begins, clearin’ his throat. “Sadie is doin’ just fine.” My heart beats rapidly as I sit down in the chair behind me, relief flooding through me. “However…” I look at him, hearin’ the poundin’ of my heart in my ears, makin’ him sound muffled. “Sadie has what’s known as a Molar Pregnancy.” My eyes widen, fear movin’ through me again. I have no idea what that is but it can’t be good. “Let me try to explain.” He goes on to tell me a bunch of medical jargon.
The tissue that normally would become a fetus instead becomes an abnormal growth in her stomach.
It’s not really an embryo but triggers the same symptoms of pregnancy.
Rare.
Partial.
Egg fertilized by two sperms.
Twins.
Miscarriage of one.
My heart lodges in my throat, the fear that overwhelms me turns into panic. “Does she know?” The thought of him tellin’ her without me there makes me insane with worry.
He shakes his head. “I haven’t told her yet. I knew you’d want to be with her or tell her yourself. ‘Course, I’d come in and explain everythin’ to her.” He clasps his hands in front of him on his desk. “Memphis. The other baby is still at some risk as well as Sadie. We stopped the bleedin’ but she should have complete bed rest until the baby is born. The other baby will either be absorbed as her pregnancy continues or will be stillborn when she goes into labor. It’s hard to tell at this time.”
Words. Words and more words. They fill my head until I can’t take it anymore. I stand abruptly and uncross my arms. “I need to see her. Now.” I turn and walk out of the room, lookin’ both ways down the hallway. My eyes land on the nurse who I followed here, standin’ at the nurse’s station. I walk straight over to the counter. “Take me to Sadie,” I demand. Her eyes widen and I watch her look over my shoulder then nod.
“Please follow me,” she says as she rounds the corner of the counter and heads down the hallway in the opposite direction from where we first came. We reach the end of the hall and the nurse stops at a door partially closed. I push the door open further and see Sadie lyin’ in a bed, tubes and monitors all around the back of her and a belt I’ve seen before wrapped around her large stomach. Baby monitor. “I’ll just leave you alone. Dr. Pratt will be in a little later.” The door closes behind me but I can’t seem to move, at first. She looks so pale, so lifeless, that it makes my heart stop.
“Memphis.”
My tear filled eyes come into focus as she whispers my name. The dark circles underneath her beautiful sad eyes look even darker against her pale complexion. I take a deep breath, knowin’ I need to step up and be the man she needs right now. I walk over, grabbin’ a chair as I go, and take her hand as I sit down next to her bed.
“How are ya feelin’, Darlin’?”
I don’t know what else to say. Of course she feels like shit but what else do you say? She doesn’t know about the other baby. How in the hell am I going to tell her? I need to be strong for her.
“I’m okay.” She smiles a sad smile. She knows somethin’ is wrong. “Where are the kids?”
I give her my best smile. “Oh, they’re over at Trevor’s with their brood.”
She swallows. “I’m sure I scared them,” she whispers.
“Prie called Trevor when the nurse came to get me. I’m sure they’re fine.” Her brows raise, wantin’ the answers to all the questions I’m sure are fillin’ her mind. I put my hand over hers, my thumb rubbin’ across her soft skin. “Sweetheart,” I begin. How do I tell her? How do you tell the love of your life that she lost a life inside her? Her eyes begin to fill with tears, her chin starts to quiver.
“I lost the baby. Didn’t I?”
The fast beating on a monitor makes me look up. “No, Darlin’.” I smile. “See that monitor over there?” She looks up and over her shoulder. “That’s our baby’s heart just beatin’ away.” She stares at it for a few minutes, both of us listenin’ to the rhythm of our baby’s heart. Finally, she turns her head back to me, a small smile on her gorgeous mouth. I try to smile back but I just can’t. She looks at me and her smile fades. “Dave – uh, Dr. Pratt, told me that you have a Molar Pregnancy. There was another baby.” I clear my throat as I shift in my seat. “Guess this kind of pregnancy is rare and that the other baby just didn’t form right.” Tears fall from her eyes, slidin’ down her face. I bring my hand up and cup the side of her face, rubbin’ away some of her tears, my own fallin’ as I do. “I know, sweetheart,” I whisper, not knowin’ what else to say. She starts sobbin’ and I let go of her hand, stand up and then sit down on the side of her bed. I lean down and put my arms around her as she buries her face into my chest. She racks my body with her sobs but mine aren’t much better. We cry for the loss of our baby.
Chapter Six
Sadie
When I first saw all the blood, I became lightheaded instantly. Then bile rose in my throat and I barely made it to the bathroom in time to start vomiting in the toilet. I’m not sure what scared me more – the blood or the stomach cramps and lower back pain, as I lost everything I’d eaten that day. I barely remember now. Memphis was there with me, taking care of me as always. I remember the ambulance ride. The I.V. stuck in my hand. Going into the hospital but then nothing until I woke up. By the look on Memphis’ face, I knew something was wrong. I’d thought I’d lost the baby. I had no idea I was carrying twins. The loss of a life is never easy but one that’s still inside you is more than heartbreaking.
Dr. Pratt came in later, explaining everything to us. Memphis sat on the edge of my bed, holding my hand in his lap through it all. All of it made sense but didn’t. He told us at delivery there could be the body of the one that didn’t make it or it could be absorbed into the pregnancy. He said the baby and me were still at risk and would be until I delivered.
Bed rest until the delivery. It was bad enough to find out I’d lost one of the babies but to be told the other is still at risk made knots form in my stomach. The doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex of our baby. We originally wanted it to be a surprise, but when he said there’s no way to tell the sex of the baby we’d lost, we decided we wanted to know the sex of the one that’s still thriving. A girl. A precious little girl still fighting for her life inside me.
As soon as the doctor left, I looked at Memphis and tried to smile. “Mable Ann,” I whisper.
He nods, laying his hand on the side of my stomach over the monitor belt. “Seems fittin’.” He leans in and kisses me then brushes some of my long, ratted hair away from my face. “Why don’t we call her Annie for short?” I nod kissing him back, placing my hand on his face, loving the feel of his soft hair on his jaw. He clears his throat, swallowing hard. “Once Annie comes…” His damp eyes fill with tears. “Whether the other baby is there or not, we’ll dig a grave by Ma, Pa, and Mable, find some comfort from that.” He leans back, wiping his eye. I nod, unable to speak. It’s hard enough trying to deal with the loss but to see Memphis, my rough and tough cowboy, struggling to deal with it, tears me apart. He’s never been afraid to show his feelings but he’s also a man who has a hard time with them.
“I think that’s a lovely idea,” I finally tell him, trying to smile.
Suddenly he stands, walks around the bed and helps move me over. He climbs in, putting his arm around me as I lay my head on his broad chest. Comforting. Loving. My own tears begin to fall and I can’t seem to stop them. I never knew how much I could cry, how it still doesn’t help, no matter how long I do it. I don’t know how long we lay here. Me wrapped up in his strong arms, both of us crying.
