by Vicki Green
Colby, Prie, and Tina all came by not knowing the extent of what happened but wished us well. They didn’t stay long. I probably look horrible and feel the same. Later that day, Trevor brought up the kids. He left us alone so we could talk to them, telling us that he’d take them home with him to spend the night, give us some alone time. Even though I want them near it’s probably for the best since Memphis told the nurse that he won’t be leaving me until it’s time to take me home. The kids took the news as I imagined. Cried for the loss of the baby but smiled for the one that’s still inside. Annie. They loved the name. We told them why we named her Annie. Even though they didn’t know Mable, we’ve always told them stories about her. How sweet and kind. How they’d have loved her, just like a grandma.
When they left a nurse brought in dinner. Some broth for me and a hamburger for Memphis, only neither of us felt like eating. He finally fell asleep late into the night. From laying against his chest I stared out the window, saying some prayers for our child that will never have a life and for Annie to have one.
The days have been long after that horrible day. Two months later and I’m so tired of being in bed but I’ll do anything for my Annie. Dr. Pratt comes by twice a week to check on us, telling me everything’s going good. But I’m uncomfortable, even though I try to turn over side to side whenever I can. My appetite is great though. However, I’m beginning to feel like a beached whale. At least Memphis carried me downstairs and I got to sit on the couch for Jared and Evie’s seventh birthday party. I hated that I couldn’t do anything to help. Evie always comes to my room and tells me all about her riding with excitement. She’s been winning competitions in her age group. It makes me sad that I haven’t been able to go and see them but she shows me some videos of them from Memphis’ phone. Jared comes in and reads to me, books that he loves. I think I have a couple of them memorized now.
From my bed, I watch the snow as it blows around the window. Memphis and Jared left to go help someone who’s stuck in the snow about half way from our house to town, leaving Evie with me. He normally never leaves me alone. I hate and worry about him being out in this. He’s been upset lately because Clancy isn’t doing well. He’s afraid that Clancy will die – alone – while he’s gone. He’s been worried about it for a couple of weeks now and the bad weather is not helping. From what he’s told me and what I can see outside, the snow is very deep while the stormy breeze is creating large snow drifts everywhere. He had sat on the edge of the bed and we made a list yesterday, and he went to the store to stock up on everything we need. The kids play only out on the deck because there’s a drift that comes up to the top of the steps. Memphis has had to walk around the house to get to the barn to take care of the animals. Jared and Evie are always helping him. I feel utterly useless. On top of that, I keep having some light cramping. Dr. Pratt says it’s normal and we’re doing fine but every time I mention it, Memphis gets so worried. So, I quit mentioning it just to help lower some of his anxiety.
“Mama!” Evie yells from the bottom of the stairs.
I turn down the volume on our TV set. “Yes, sweetheart?”
“Clancy just came out of the barn and went to the pasture! I’m gonna go get him! He’ll be really cold!”
Clancy? What is he doing out of the barn? I sit up, a pain hits my lower back so I rub it as I lift my legs over the side of the bed. I hear her feet running in the foyer. “Evie! No! Wait! It’s too bad outside!” I yell. But as I stand I hear the front door close hard. Crap! Headstrong. Never waits to listen. Always running off to do things herself. I stop and smile. Sounds like me. Dammit! I waddle into my closet and remove my long gown and put on a pair of maternity jeans and a long sleeve maternity sweater. As I walk over to our dresser to get socks, I pick up my phone from the bed stand and call Memphis. The line is so full of static it’s hard to make out the ringing.
“S – ad – ie?”
“Memphis,” I sigh.
“—Yo – ok…?”
“Memphis, I can hardly hear you. Clancy’s out and Evie ran outside to get him. I hate to bother you. I know…” Silence. I pull the phone away from my ear. It’s dead. I look up as the lights flicker, my heart pounding from fear of Evie being outside in this bad snowstorm. Now, Memphis is going to worry and I’m already so worried about him. Tucking my phone in my pocket, in case we get reception back, I walk out of our room and down the stairs. I find my boots on the hearth and take them over to the couch, struggling with how everything I do takes me so much longer. Anxiety is taking hold of me as I walk to the front closet and take out my coat. I know I’m supposed to be in bed but I have to get Evie. She’ll freeze out there. As I open the door, I stop and look around as the lights flicker again then go out. “Perfect,” I say, sarcastically. Turning back around, I open the closet door, reaching up to the top shelf and grab a flashlight. At least there’s light and warmth in the living room from the fire that’s glowing in the fireplace. I head out the front door, immediately being assaulted by the heavy winds and snow. Reaching up and over my head, I pull up the hood of my coat and pull the drawstrings to tighten it. I turn on the flashlight, shining it down on the white ground as I hold onto the rail to get down the porch steps.
“Evie!”
I yell out her name, over and over as I trudge through the thick and cold snow, making my way to the barn. “How did he get the door open?” I ask out loud as I walk inside the warm barn. I look around, not surprised that he’s not in here. “How did he know Memphis was trapped in here when it was burning? Because he’s so smart,” I mumble as I walk back outside and look out towards the pasture. I raise my hand up over my forehead, trying to see through the big flakes of snow. “The pasture,” I whisper. “His favorite tree. Memphis’ pa’s tree.” I start to walk as fast as I’m able to in the deep snow. “Oh, my God. He’s gone there to die.” I try to pick up my pace but it’s so hard. Suddenly, the mild cramps I’ve been having become worse and my lower back starts to ache.
Finally, I manage to get to the gate. “EVIE!” I yell out into the wind. Of course the gate is open so I walk through and head towards the large oak tree. It sits up on a small hill and the snow drifts seem to be deeper as I make my way up there. The wind is howling so loud it’s hard to hear anything else, the cold stinging the skin on my face. I know Memphis would think this is just another crazy thing I would do but I can’t leave Evie out here and I’m so worried about Clancy. My hair that had come out of the hood is wet and cold, matted against the side of my face as I push forward. I keep shining the light around in front of me, hoping Evie will see it. “Ungh!” I stop and bend over, putting my hand on my stomach over my coat. A sharp pain sears through me and I feel wetness between my legs. Did my water just break? “Ugh,” I cry out as another pain hits me. My lower back hurting along with my stomach. “I can’t go into labor now. I still have two months.” Something’s wrong.
“Mama! Come help!”
My head snaps up and I lift the flashlight, shining it but I can’t see anything but the blowing snow. “EVIE!” I yell. Taking some deep breaths, I start walking, every part of me is cool, wet, and the pain is becoming worse. “EVIE!” I keep calling as I keep pushing through the deep snow. I stop to catch my breath, another pain hitting me hard. I fumble under my coat, finding my phone in the front pocket of my jeans and shine the light on it. Still no reception. The storm must have taken out the power and towers. I put the phone in my coat pocket.
“Mama! Help!”
I look up, her voice sounding closer. I start walking again, exhausted but determination building my adrenaline. The wind about knocks me over along with the pain in my stomach and back. The light shines into the darkness. Left then right. I see something up ahead and shine it there. Evie is standing up waving her arms. “Thank God!” I’ve read that many people become stronger if a loved one is in danger and now I believe it. I start walking again, a little faster. “Evie!” She’s still
several feet away but now I can make out the large oak tree behind her.
“Mama! Help Clancy. He’s sick,” she yells.
Clancy.
As I get nearer, I shine the light around her and see Clancy lying down on the ground, a blanket laid over him. Oh, no! I keep walking forward and can hear Evie crying through the howling wind. I get closer and can see the rising and falling of his stomach with his shallow breaths, tufts of the cold air blowing from his nose. I bend down next to his head, another pain hitting me hard with my movements. I try not to cry out, not wanting to scare Evie. “Mama. He’s sick. Help him,” she says shakily through her sobs. I look up at her, tears streaking down her precious face, her body shivering.
“Come here, sweetie.” I reach out my hand and she takes it, hers so cold in mine. She sits down on her knees next to me, leaning against my side. I wrap my hand around her head and look down at Clancy. “Sweetheart. Clancy’s old and has had such a great life here. You know Clancy was Grandpa’s horse.” She nods, moving my hand up and down. “He’s been missing Grandpa for so long and is ready to be with him in heaven.” She looks up, her eyes wide and filled with unshed tears.
“But I don’t want him to go,” she cries.
I pull her head against my side. “I know, baby. I don’t want him to either. But it’s his time. God wants him to come home.” I look at the blanket covering him and look back at her. “Where did the blanket come from?” Her tear filled eyes look up at me.
“I brought it with me. I didn’t want him to be cold.” So sweet.
The snow is so cold under me as we sit and watch Clancy. I set the flashlight on my lap, shining towards him. Reaching out, I start stroking his wet and cold coat, soothingly. “Go be with Jarrett. I know you miss him terribly. Thank you for allowing us to be in your life. Thank you for saving Memphis. I know he will miss you so much. We all will.” I don’t know how long we sit here. I continue to stroke him and Evie starts petting his nose. I start shaking, my lower back feeling like it’s breaking in two, and the pain in my stomach almost doubles me over a few times. We watch as he takes his last breath, Evie pressing her face into me as she cries, and my own tears are falling steadily. The wind seems to blow harder as the snow falling becomes thicker. “Evie. We need to try to get home,” I tell her as she looks up at me.
“But we can’t leave him here.” Her sobs are breaking my heart.
“He’s not really here anymore, darling. He’s in heaven with God and Grandpa. This is just his body. Let’s go so we can get warm. I’ll make you some hot chocolate to help.” She finally nods and stands up. I start to move but pain stabs me in the side of my stomach. “Ungh!” I yell, grabbing it.
“Mama. You’re bleeding. Did you fall coming here?” I look up at her, confused, and follow her eyes down to my lap. Blood has soaked through my jeans. Oh, no! Annie! I look around, my heart pounding and the pain becoming unbearable. What should I do? I could send Evie back to the house, tell her how to turn the generator on to get power going so the lights and the furnace will work. Then I’d have to tell her to go downstairs and light a match to light it again. No, I can’t have her do that. I reach into my coat pocket and check my phone. Still no signal.
“Evie, we’re going to act like we’re camping for a bit until Papa comes home. Get the blanket from Clancy and help me dig out the snow from around his tummy.” She tilts her head looking confused. I try to smile, trying to keep it light. “His body is still warm and he can help keep us warm along with the blanket.” It will be one last thing he does for us. She nods and walks around me, then gets down on her knees and starts digging the snow out from in front of Clancy. I lean forward to help but a sear of pain takes my breath away. Closing my eyes, I take some shallow breaths, then open them and start digging too.
The snow is so deep we can’t get much away but it’s enough so we can get close to Clancy’s stomach. “Come on, honey,” I say with a smile and crawl to his body, grabbing the blanket and sitting down. She stands, brushing the snow off her legs, and walks over to me, sitting down and getting close against me. Another pain hits me and I muffle my cry as I throw the blanket over us then put my arm around her while I put my hand against the side of my stomach. “Mama?” I look down, trying to keep a smile. “Are you going to be okay?” I give her a nod, unable to speak through the pain. “Is Annie coming now?” I take some deep breaths.
“I hope not, sweetheart. She needs to wait a little longer.”
She looks down at my stomach and lowers her eyebrows, thinking, then looks back up at me. “Remember the book we read that said when someone dies a new baby is born?” Oh my! She’s thinking about the children’s book that Shiloh and Prie wrote together. “Maybe it’s not just people. Maybe since Clancy died to go be with Grandpa and God, Annie is going to be born!” she says excitedly. The imagination of books and the minds of children.
I lean down and kiss the top of her wet hair. “Maybe you’re right. Remember how I told you that it takes nine months before a baby is ready to be born?” Her head nods as she looks up at me. “Well, it hasn’t been nine months yet. We want Annie to be healthy when she’s born, right?” She nods again more enthusiastically. More pain hits me and my eyes move in and out of focus. I need to stay awake and alert.
“That’s why you had to stay in bed for so long. To make sure Annie won’t be born before nine months.” I try to smile but I’m not sure I did. “Is that why you’re bleeding ‘cos you got out of bed?”
Crap! How do I explain this to her without scaring her? “I’m not sure, honey.” I smile. “Maybe Annie is trying to grieve with us about Clancy in her own way.” She looks like she’s thinking again and then nods. “Why don’t we get comfortable and try to get warm together.” I pull my coat open and she snuggles into my side, more pain searing me as I pull my coat around her. My back and my stomach are both making me wince as I pull the blanket up more. I lean back against Clancy and close my eyes, still shivering with the snow hitting and the wind blowing over me. I tighten my arm around Evie and let out some deep pants. “Tell me about your last competition again. I want to hear all about it.” I wince and pant. “Don’t leave out any details. I want to feel…” More pants. “Like I’m there.” She starts talking. I look at my phone again but there’s still no signal. I try to get comfortable, saying a silent thank you to Clancy for helping us again and say some prayers that Memphis will be home soon. I feel numb, not even feeling the pain much anymore, barely hearing Evie’s voice as she continues to tell me about her show. I’m fighting to stay awake but can feel myself fading. I need to stay strong for Evie. I need to figure out a way to save Annie. I’m so tired. So cold. Maybe if I rest for just a little bit I can get the energy to get us home. Just for a few minutes.
Chapter Seven
Memphis
“Somethin’s not fuckin’ right,” I growl, stuffin’ my phone back into my pocket. I keep tryin’ to get Sadie on the phone but there’s no damn signal.
“C’mon. I’ll follow ya home, see what’s goin’ on,” Trevor says, pattin’ my back.
We’d just gotten McFarland’s car out of a ditch – the tenth vehicle we’ve gotten unstuck tonight. I wish folks would just stay home where it’s safe and warm. My bones are ‘bout frozen. The fear inside me is heatin’ me up though. “Follow me,” I say as I walk to my truck. Jared climbs into the passenger seat and buckles up. After gettin’ in, I look down at the gas gauge. It’s gettin’ low from drivin’ all over these country roads. I start her up, turnin’ up the radio as I head home. News ‘bout how the weather won’t be lettin’ up any time soon blares through the speakers, and I can’t help but grumble when the announcer says to stay home and keep off the roads. Worry sets deep in my bones as I think about the bad dream I had awhile back. Then the scare with Sadie and losin’ one of our babies inside her. I’ve been dealin’ with the worry, on a regular basis, about Sad
ie stayin’ put in bed, our little Annie still tucked into her tummy. But with all of that, nothin’ is outweighin’ the fear I’ve got in me right now. Not bein’ able to get a hold of Sadie just started it but seein’ no lights anywhere as I drive home kicks it up about a thousand notches. “Power must be off,” I say as I stare at the road ahead of me.
“Is Mama and Evie okay, Pa?”
I look over at the sweet face of my boy. A light glow from the dashboard lights shows the worry in his eyes. “I’m sure they’re fine, son.” I smile. God, sometimes it’s so tough to be the adult, the parent. Now I know what I put Ma and Pa through, how much I made them fret. Then again, I wouldn’t give up bein’ a pa or husband for nothin’ in the world. “As soon as we get home and I check up on your ma, I’ll show you how to start the generator so we can get power on again.” His face lights up as he nods. That’s my boy. Always eager to learn and help out.
The snow is still comin’ down hard, the wind whippin’ it around in a fury with no end in sight. Finally, I pull onto our road and push on the gas a little harder to get to the driveway. Guess I’ll need to get the plow goin’ again to clear off the snow. It’s already deep from when I did it earlier today. Would have been worse had I not been tryin’ to keep up with it. Makes me thankful I’d bought one of those fancy plows with the heated cab last winter. Jared even gave me some of his money from sellin’ his vegetables at the town’s farmers market in the park to buy it. So fuckin’ proud of him.
Puttin’ my truck in park, I unclasp my seatbelt and climb out. Jared’s already racin’ for the front door yellin’ Evie’s name. I hear Trevor’s truck door slam and feel him behind me. As I reach the porch steps that bad feelin’ that I get sometimes, hits me hard. I walk inside and open the closet door, reachin’ up and gettin’ two flashlights down from the shelf. Turnin’ one on, I look around for Jared. “Here’s a light, Jared. Here’s one for you, Trev.” They both take one, then Jared heads for the kitchen, Trevor to the livin’ room as I get another flashlight and head for the stairs. It’s pitch black in the house ‘cept for the fire burnin’ in the fireplace and it’s gettin’ low. I start up the stairs but eagerness overtakes me and I start climbin’ them two at a time, my heart beatin’ so fast I can almost feel it. I jog down the hall, wet and chilled to the bone, and notice the door is wide open to our room. I run inside, pantin’ and out of breath. It’s so dark I can’t see two feet in front of me. I shine the flashlight all around the room. Empty. Turning, I walk to the bathroom, the feelin’ of what happened before in here makin’ me shiver and move the light around. Nothin’. I head out of our room and down the hall, hopin’ to find Sadie in bed with Evie. When I get to Evie’s room, it’s empty too.
