Me Myself Milly

by Penelope Bush

  We made it into a game – trying to find a picnic without her seeing us, though I was sure she could hear us giggling a mile off. We knew better than to try and find a picnic in our own kitchen where the bread was always brown and grainy and there was nothing like crisps or biscuits.

  As it turned out we didn’t have much more luck upstairs. We managed to find two boiled eggs and the tail-end of a loaf of white bread, but we couldn’t be bothered to make them into sandwiches so we stuffed them into a carrier bag, along with a bottle of salad cream and an apple and a dry-looking satsuma that had, not unsurprisingly, been overlooked in the bottom of the fruit bowl.

  We were just casting about the kitchen, trying to find any loose change that might have been left lying around because, Lily said, we’d have to go some of the way on the bus, when Archie walked in.

  ‘What are you doing? Where are you going? I want to come.’

  I cringed. Archie really brought out the worst in Lily and I suspect Lily brought out the worst in Archie, too.

  ‘Go away, Squit,’ she said in her bored voice. We used to call him Squib because he was on the small side for seven, but then Lily had changed it to ‘Squit’ one day because he’d had a tummy upset. I went back to calling him Archie when she did that. I felt sorry for him because Lily was always so mean to him.

  ‘ You can’t come with us because we haven’t got enough food for three,’ Lily told him. She was whispering because she didn’t want to alert Jeanie to what we were doing. There are two Lilys: the charming, cheerful one that she wants the adults to see and the cruel, dismissive one that comes out when people like Archie are around.

  Archie left the kitchen and we could hear him thudding up the stairs. Lily thought she’d won so we started to get our outdoor things on.

  ‘I think we’d better wear our wellies,’ Lily decided, but I couldn’t find mine.

  ‘I think they’re in Mum’s room,’ I told her after we’d looked everywhere else.

  ‘We can’t go in there,’ said Lily. ‘She’ll wake up and want to come with us.’

  I found a rucksack, though, so I stuffed the lunch bag into it. ‘Should we take a phone?’ I asked.

  ‘ You can if you want. Mine hasn’t got any credit on it,’ Lily replied.

  ‘Mine needs recharging,’ I said.

  Lily was putting on David’s old duffle coat.

  ‘What do you want to wear that smelly thing for?’ I said.

  ‘Because it’s cold. Anyhow, it’s dead retro.’

  ‘It makes you look like Paddington Bear,’I told her.

  Then Archie came thumping back down the stairs. He was clutching a banana, a yoghurt and a teaspoon, and a packet of chocolate biscuits. ‘I’ve got my picnic,’ he announced and started to pull his shoes on. I glanced at Lily. This was the first time that we realised the others were keeping food in their rooms and not in the kitchen where we could get it.

  ‘ You still can’t come,’ Lily told him. ‘We’ve only got enough bus fare for two.’

  ‘I’ve got my own,’ said Archie, waving a five-pound note at us. I could tell Lily was wavering at the sight of all that money but she held firm.

  ‘ You can’t stop me coming,’ Archie announced. ‘ You can’t stop me walking down the road and getting on a bus and then getting off the bus and then . . .’ He had to stop because he didn’t know what was going to happen or where we were going.

  Lily was getting impatient. She wanted to go and we all knew this argument could go on for ages and then result in him following us and ruining the adventure.

  So she played her trump card. ‘Milly – you decide.’

  I stared at her. She was so certain I was going to side with her. I stared at Archie. I knew that if I told him he couldn’t come he’d back down. But I couldn’t do it; I just stood looking at each of them in turn and saying nothing.

  In my mind this moment lasts for ever, though it can only really have been a few seconds. This is the moment that I play over and over again in my mind and sometimes I hear myself saying, ‘No, sorry, Archie, you can’t come,’ and watch him as he thumps away up the stairs. If only that was what had happened.

  ButI didn’t. I did nothing. It amazes me how doing nothing resulted in such dire consequences.

  So I said nothing and Lily finally lost patience and said, ‘Well, I’m going anyway,’ and grabbed her duffle coat and went out the door. I followed her and Archie followed me and that’s how we arrived at the bus stop: a sad little line following Lily on her adventure.

  We got on the first bus that came along. I’m sure Lily didn’t know where we were going, she was just making it up as we went along. Maybe that was the adventure.

  Archie seemed to know that he was there on sufferance so he sat quietly and didn’t make a nuisance of himself.

  The bus drove out into the countryside and I wondered where Lily was going to get off, or if she even knew and how she would decide. I looked out the window at the trees and cows and houses. The bus stopped in a village and three boys got on. They were older than us and they came up the stairs where we were sitting. Lily was immediately on high alert. She followed them with her eyes as they made their way to the back of the bus.

  Lily kept turning round to look at them so I kicked her on the shin.

  ‘Stop it! They’re not interested in us, for God’s sake,’ I told her. ‘And even if they were, I’m not interested in them.’

  ‘Well, I might be,’ said Lily. ‘The one in the blue hoodie isn’t bad.’

  I decided to ignore her and them. But when we got to the next village and the boys got up to get off the bus, Lily watched them disappear down the stairs then stood up and said, ‘Come on, we’re getting off here too.’ It was so obvious she was following them and I really didn’t want to, but Lily was already halfway down the stairs, so I followed her and Archie followed me.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I knew that Amy was trouble. She turned up in our religious studies class today. It turns out she was meant to be there all along but had been sent to the ‘out time’ room for a month for bad behaviour. If it was meant to reform her it didn’t work.

  When we walked into the room Amy said in a loud, posh voice, ‘I used to go to St Fart’s, don’t you know, darling!’ which isn’t how Effy speaks but we got the point. Naturally we ignored her but I could see that Effy was embarrassed and upset. Luckily the teacher arrived and told us to get our work out which we did, apart from Amy who got her nail varnish out instead.

  When the teacher told her to get her books out Amy said, ‘Who’s going to make me?’

  The teacher ignored this remark and got some paper out of the drawer and put it on Amy’s desk in front of her. Amy made a big show of ‘accidentally’ knocking it onto the floor.

  The teacher went back to her desk and got a report card out and started filling it in. Anyone who’s been on out time has to go a whole week without a behaviour mark. Amy wasn’t going to make it through the day.

  Mrs Clark, our religious studies teacher, is okay. Katy told me she’s covering for their other teacher who’s on maternity leave. When she’d filled in the card I thought she was going to give it to Amy and tell her to take it to the office but she put it back in the drawer.

  She then told us about the new project she wanted us to do. We have to write about the worst day of our lives and then put a positive spin on it. She said it cheerfully, as if she couldn’t imagine us having anything really bad to write about.

  I wondered if Mrs Clark had really thought this project through. Asking a room full of adolescent girls to write about the worst day of their lives was a bit risky if you ask me. It could open up a whole can of worms.

  Amy started acting up again and Mrs Clark was forced to deal with her.

  Most people were chatting among themselves, trying to work out exactly which day was the worst. I could hear one girl telling her friend that it must have been last Christmas Day when her mum gave her a pair of boots and a new handb
ag, and how pleased she was, and then she found out they were fakes and she spent the rest of the day in tears.

  Mrs Clark must have decided she’d had enough of Amy because she got the report card out of the desk drawer and handed it to her, telling her to go and report to Mr Hargreaves. I’d die of fright if I had to report to Mr Hargreaves. He’s seriously scary, which is probably why he was chosen to deal with the trouble-makers. Amy took the card and held it up in front of Mrs Clark, then calmly tore it in half and dropped the bits in the bin. Mrs Clark pressed a button on her mobile phone. She must have Mr Hargreaves on speed dial. She asked him to come to room twenty-four and pick up Amy.

  I glanced round at the other girls. They all looked either bored or annoyed, except Effy who looked shocked.

  ‘You must have had girls like that at your old school. There’s always one,’ I said.

  Effy swallowed. ‘No, not that bad,’ she said. ‘There were girls who were mean and stuff, but if they’d behaved like that,’ she nodded in Amy’s direction, ‘they would have been “asked to leave’’.’

  At lunch we sat with Katy, Harriet and Molly again. They were talking about the project and they asked us what we were going to write about.

  ‘I suppose it would have to be when my dad went bust and told me he couldn’t afford to send me to St Bart’s any more,’ said Effy. ‘Of course the positive spin on that is you guys,’ she said, looking round at us all. ‘I’d never have met you if I’d stayed at my old school.’

  There was a silence after that and I wondered if Effy had embarrassed the others, but when I looked up I realised they were all staring at me expectantly.

  ‘Come on, Emily,’ said Molly.

  ‘Yeah, what was your worst day ever?’ said Harriet.

  I swallowed. The piece of sandwich I was eating wouldn’t go down. I was sure I’d gone red with the effort of holding back my tears. What if I told them? What if I came right out with it now? Just said it. Told them about Sunday, April 20th.

  ‘I don’t think Emily’s decided yet,’ said Effy. The look she gave me showed me she knew there was a problem and she changed the subject. ‘So, what do you lot do at the weekends? Do you want to meet up with us in town on Saturday?’

  I gave myself a mental shake and tried to concentrate on being Emily, having lunch with her friends and planning the weekend. Which reminded me of last weekend and the disastrous trip out with Devlin. If it wasn’t for Sunday, April 20th, last Saturday would be way up there on the list of worst days.

  And then, just so that I could join in with the conversation, I told them about Devlin. Not the disastrous day out, that was kind of embarrassing, but about the fact that an American boy had moved in upstairs.

  I never expected the reaction I got. They went wild. It was like I’d said Justin Bieber had moved in upstairs or something.

  ‘Oh my God, is he really good-looking?’ said Molly, and before I could answer Katy said, ‘How old is he? Has he got a girlfriend?’ and Harriet, who was bobbing up and down in her seat said, ‘We’ve got to meet him! Invite us all round . . . No! I know, have a party!’

  ‘Oooh yes, a party!’ said Molly and Katy together.

  I couldn’t help laughing. Yeah, right. A party with five girls and Devlin. He’d love me for that. Especially as three of the girls were practically drooling at the thought of him.

  ‘He’s just a boy,’ I said. ‘He’s pretty ordinary-looking really and I think he’s a bit shy.’ I was tempted to tell them he was also rude and uncooperative and downright unfriendly, but I didn’t because I thought it might be just me that he didn’t like. In fact, if I introduced him to some other people, I’d be able to tell if it was just me that he was unfriendly towards. The trouble is I couldn’t have a party; I couldn’t have people over to the flat. Not with Mum the way she was at the moment . . . and I hadn’t told them about Lily and I wanted to keep it that way.

  ‘I know,’ said Effy, ‘bring him into town on Saturday and take him to the Posh Nosh café and we’ll all be in there and you can introduce us to him.’

  ‘Yeah, good idea,’ said Molly.

  I wasn’t so sure. For a start, how was I going to get him to come out again when he’d made it so plain last time that he was not enjoying himself?

  But I didn’t want to tell them it was never going to happen and I wanted to go out with them on Saturday even if he didn’t.

  ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘I’ll see if I can get him to come and I’ll meet you all in there at eleven o’clock.’

  I’d just go on my own and tell them he was busy and couldn’t make it. There was no way I was going to ask him along.

  ‘You haven’t told us what he looks like,’ said Molly. ‘Does he look like Zac Efron?’

  I must have looked completely blank. I hadn’t got a clue who they were talking about.

  ‘You know,’ said Harriet, ‘Troy from High School Musical ? You must have seen High School Musical !’

  ‘Um . . . no,’ I said.

  ‘Okay,’ said Kate, ‘does he look like Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson?’

  ‘You must know who they are,’ said Harriet. ‘You have seen Twilight, haven’t you?’

  ‘I’ve read it,’ I said, relieved.

  ‘Oh my God,’ said Molly. ‘Have you seen anything? Please tell me you’ve seen Mean Girls. It’s my favourite film ever!’

  I had to admit I’d never seen Mean Girls. Or Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen or 10 Things I Hate About You, which were all, apparently, classics which I absolutely had to see.

  ‘Right, that’s it,’ said Katy. ‘The girl needs educating. How about you all come round to mine on Saturday, after the café, and we’ll have a film night? You can all stay over if you want.’

  I did want. I wanted to very much but I couldn’t. Not for the night. Not with Mum . . . well, not just now. I knew if I asked her she’d say yes, she’d be pleased for me, but I just couldn’t. Not yet.

  ‘I’d love to,’ I said, ‘but I can’t . . . not for the night.’

  ‘Tell you what,’ said Effy, ‘we’ll come, but I’ll get my dad to pick us up late.’

  The others looked disappointed but they didn’t argue. I was secretly pleased that Effy wasn’t going to stay over. I didn’t want to feel like the odd one out.

  And all the time they were chatting and all through the rest of the day there was a little voice in the back of my mind going, ‘The worst day, the worst day, tell them about your worst day ever.’ I thought about my journal and how I had started to write about it and suddenly I wanted to get home and finish it. Could I stop going to Ted’s if I managed to write about what happened? Perhaps I could ask him next time I went. But would that seem rude? It might sound like I hated going there and would do anything to get out of it. I was sure he’d understand though. He’d know it was because I’d had enough and I just wanted to be normal again.

  The bus pulled away. Lily, Archie and I stood on the pavement next to the bus stop. Lily was watching the boys as they walked down the street.

  ‘What now?’ I said.

  One of the boys, the one in the blue hoodie, turned round and looked at us. Lily smiled at him so I poked her in the ribs with my elbow. Why did she have to be so obvious?

  I looked around. The side of the street where we were standing had houses dotted along it and I could see a pub halfway down. It was called The Badger and Stoat. For a moment it made me think of Mark in Cornwall and how Lily had tricked him. There was a sign outside the pub with a painting of a badger on it and a stoat winding between its feet. If we were animals, I thought, I would be a badger and Lily would be a stoat.

  Across the road was a long stone wall, about a metre high. On the other side of the wall was a wood. The trees were covered in the first, bright green leaves of spring. Opposite the bus stop where we were still standing was an old, rusty iron gate. Someone had made a sign and hung it on one of the bars with wire. The white paint had gone green, but the lettering was still visible.

>   It said No Admittance.

  The boys had nearly reached the pub. For one awful moment I thought Lily was planning to follow them in there. But she crossed the road and slung her leg over the rusty gate.

  ‘Come on,’ she shouted over her shoulder at us, as she climbed over. Archie and I crossed the road.

  ‘Lily, we can’t go in there, it says so,’ I told her, pointing to the sign.

  ‘Well I’m going,’ said Lily, crunching her way into the trees. Archie started to climb the gate. I glanced down the road towards the pub. The three boys had stopped outside the pub door. They were watching us. The boy in the blue hoodie was talking to his mates and pointing in our direction. He had takena few steps towards us and it looked like he was trying to persuade the other two to follow him.

  Archie had reached the other side and stood there waiting for me. I quickly climbed over, grabbed Archie’s hand and dived into the trees. I didn’t know if we were being followed or not. My heart was racing by the time we caught up with Lily and I suspected it was fear rather than exertion that was causing it to beat so fast.

  ‘I’m hungry,’ said Archie.

  I saw Lily looking around for somewhere to sit so we could eat our picnic. I was listening hard to see if I could hear the boys coming through the woods after us.

  ‘Let’s have it later,’ I said, leading them further into the woods.

  There was a sort of path that we were following but it had been blocked by a huge tree. The tree had fallen over and its vast trunk lay across the path. There was a faint track veering right which seemed to go round the end of the tree.

  ‘Wow, cool,’ said Archie, staring up at the huge circle of roots and soil and stones which had been pulled up when the tree fell. Lily bent down and picked up a stone.

  ‘Mum’s going to love this,’ she said, showing it to me. It was a large phallic-shaped piece of flint. I grinned.

  ‘Let’s see,’ said Archie.

  ‘It’s just a stone,’ I told him.