On the surface of the pond the leaves and twigs that had been disturbed by Lily thrashing about were shifting back together, like nothing had ever happened.
‘Lily,’ I whispered. The sun disappeared behind a cloud.
I waited. She had to come back up. People didn’t drown like that. They got swept into the sea by giant waves or washed away by floods. They didn’t just sink into stagnant ponds. Not when they were twins; one half of a whole. Not when their twin was sitting on the bank, waiting for them to come back up.
If she wouldn’t come up then I’d have to go down. She was probably waiting for me.
‘Lily, I’m coming,’ I said.
I swallowed and looked up briefly. Everyone was sitting very still and all eyes were fixed on me. But I couldn’t stop now.
‘Milly! I’m coming!’
Archie was racing across the field. He came panting up the bank.
‘I did what you said. I found the boys.’ I looked beyond him and saw the three boys from the bus coming out of the woods.
‘Come on. Quick!’ shouted Archie. The boys weren’t running but they walked a bit faster. The one in the blue hoodie was about five paces in front of the other two.
‘Where’s Lily?’ said Archie, looking around, like she might be hiding behind the brick box where we’d had lunch.
I was still staring at the surface of the pond. The boys came up the bank.
‘What’s the problem then?’ said one of them.
‘Lily fell in the pond,’ said Archie.
‘So where is she?’ That was the other one. He didn’t look too bright.
‘Is this some sort of joke?’ said the first one.
The boy in the blue hoodie was watching me. I think the fact that I was sitting there, like I was daydreaming or something was making them think there was nothing wrong. Blue Hoodie bent down so I could see his face out of the corner of my eye.
‘Where’s your sister?’ he said.
I pointed.
‘How long?’
I shrugged. He was undoing his belt. He started asking the others if they were wearing belts. Only one of them was. He put the end of one belt through the buckle of the other and pulled on them. The other two boys had caught on and I could hear them trying to decide what would be the best thing to do.
‘Josh, you’re the lightest, we’ll lower you down,’ said one of the boys to Blue Hoodie. Josh was taking his hoodie off. He turned to the dopey-looking boy. ‘Ring the police.’
He wrapped the end of the belt round his wrist. The bigger of the other two boys lay on his front holding the other end. The other one got his mobile out and started tapping in the number.
When Josh got to the bottom he started feeling around in the water. At first he resisted getting his feet wet, then he was in up to his knees. He felt further out. His arm was wet up to the shoulder. He slid further in until there was no more belt left and the water was up to the top of his legs.
‘Can you feel anything?’ said his mate.
Josh didn’t reply, he just kept on trying; reaching out under the water with his spare arm. His friend shuffled forwards, leaning over the side until only his legs were on the bank.
‘Here, Charlie, sit on my legs,’ he shouted at the third boy. Charlie was trying to explain to the person on the other end of the phone where we were but he sat down, pinning the big lad’s legs to the ground. Josh was up to his waist now and still trying to find Lily under the surface. He kept trying for half an hour before the police turned up and pulled him out. They prised the belt away from his swollen hand.
I couldn’t move. It was like my whole body had just stopped working. I could feel my heart beating in my chest,I could hear it pulsing in my ears. Josh came over and put his blue hoodie round my shoulders. Then I heard him talking to a policeman.
‘We saw them come in here. I was worried, it’s no place for kids, so instead of getting the bus we came in here to check on them. The little boy found us; told us what had happened . . . If only we hadn’t gone to the pub . . .’
I was led away by a policewoman. I wanted to stay. I wanted to be there for Lily, she’d need me. But my jaw wouldn’t work. My mouth was clamped shut and I couldn’t think of the right words to say anyway.
We crossed the field. Archie was holding my hand and I could hear a helicopter. We went through the woods, round the fallen-down tree and through the rusty gate that was now standing open. There was a fire engine in the road and I wondered why. They put me in an ambulance.
I didn’t see the boys again until the inquest. I never saw Lily again. I wanted to go with Mum when she went to identify her, but Mum said I mustn’t. She said it was best if I remembered Lily how she was: before.
Chapter Seventeen
The bell rang. I glanced up briefly and was met by a wall of shocked faces.
I looked at Mrs Clark. She was staring at the top of her desk as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Her cheeks looked damp. Well, that would teach her to set stupid homework.
Amy was examining her fingernails and was the only person in the room, apart from Mrs Clark, who wasn’t staring at me. I looked at Effy. She looked right back and I saw it. Pity. Right there in her eyes.
I ran.
I ran down the corridor and into the nearest loo and locked myself in the cubicle. I was still clutching my journal.
I started crying. I was crying because I’d just ruined Emily. I’d shown everyone Milly and now when they looked at me they wouldn’t see Emily any more, they’d see half a twin.
Once I’d started crying I couldn’t stop and then I was crying because I missed Lily. I missed Lily so much it hurt. When people talk about heartache they’re not wrong. My heart was aching, literally. I curled myself up around it.
Girls came into the toilets and stood around the mirrors putting make-up on. I stuffed my fist into my mouth and waited for them to go. When it was quiet I took my hand away and let the rasping sobs come. I hated Mrs Clark for being such a fool. No experienced teacher would have set that homework. I hated Amy for being such a cow and goading me into reading the journal. I hated Lily for not trying harder to get out and for leaving me. But most of all I hated myself.
I hated myself for not telling Archie he couldn’t come with us on that day and for not telling Lily she couldn’t go into the woods and for making her carry the bag with the stone in it.
I blew my nose on some toilet roll. I didn’t need to look in the mirror to know that my nose and eyes must be red and swollen. I didn’t want to leave the cubicle but the cleaning staff would be in soon and I didn’t want them to find me here.
I closed my eyes. I was so tired.
I was tired of never being able to sleep because when I shut my eyes all I saw was Lily standing at the end of my bed in a waterlogged duffle coat with leaves and twigs in her hair, looking at me.
I was tired of pretending to Mum that I was okay and that I wasn’t crippled with guilt every time I smiled or felt happy.
I was tired of Mum pretending to me that she wasn’t wishing every day it was me and not Lily who had drowned.
I was tired of pretending to be Emily.
But most of all I was tired of pretending that Lily was still here; about to come down the basement steps. I was tired of pretending she was in the chair or sitting in her bed, talking to me and watching me.
I was tired of not facing up to the fact that she was gone.
And I didn’t know what to do about any of it and I’d never felt so lonely in my life.
I opened the cubicle door. Effy was leaning on the sink.
I scoured her expression for signs of pity but I couldn’t detect anything.
I thought, If she says something cheerful I’m going to hit her.
‘I’ve got your bag,’ said Effy. Then she crossed the floor and gave me a hug. I thought I might start crying again but it seemed I’d cried myself out. Effy let go.
‘I’ve rung my dad. He’s coming to pick us up and
take you home.’
I nodded. Good old practical Effy.
‘I knew, you know,’ said Effy, when we were sitting on the wall waiting for her dad.
‘What do you mean?’
Effy looked embarrassed. ‘When we first met and I mentioned you to my mum she said the name sounded familiar. I Googled it and it came up with the news story. You know, it was in all the papers.’
I had known but I hadn’t looked at any of them.
‘You never said.’ I thought back to Effy chatting away about her problems and wondered if she’d just been filling a huge gap caused by my silence.
‘I thought you’d tell me when you were ready,’ said Effy.
‘I wasn’t ready,’ I said, ‘and now everyone knows.’
‘Bloody Amy,’ said Effy.
I nodded.
In the car I remembered I was supposed to be going to Ted’s. I’d get Mum to ring him when I got home and tell him I wasn’t coming today. I really wanted to see Mum. I should be talking to Mum, not Ted.
Effy’s dad stopped the car outside our house. Effy squeezed my hand. ‘Ring me if you want, later.’
I nodded and squeezed her hand back to show that I was grateful to her.
I went down the basement steps but stopped with my hand on the door handle. Before I went in I made a promise to myself that I was going to accept the fact that Lily had gone and stop pretending she was in there. Also, I was going to have a proper talk with Mum.
The kitchen was very tidy. It looked like Mum had given it a thorough clean. That could only mean one thing. She was putting off getting down to work. I switched the kettle on, deciding that I would have a cup of coffee and then I was going to go and sort out my room.
The last time I tried to do it Mum had come in.
‘What are you doing?’ she’d said, standing in the doorway.
I’d paused. I was holding one of Lily’s skirts in my hand. It was an Indian, embroidered skirt with tiny bells hanging off the drawstrings. Very ethnic and very Lily. My hand shook slightly and the bells jingled in the silence, almost like Lily was contributing to the discussion.
‘I’m just having a sort out.’
I’d been putting all Lily’s things from the floor onto her bed. I planned to clear the floor and Hoover it, and then I was going to put some of Lily’s stuff into boxes and put them under the bed. It wasn’t easy. I’d been building up to it for ages.
‘Don’t,’ said Mum. I’d looked at her. ‘Lily wouldn’t like it,’ she’d said.
She was right. Lily wouldn’t have liked it. If she’d been here.
So I’d thrown everything back onto the floor and it had been there ever since. Like she was still here. Like she could walk through the door any minute. Perhaps that’s when I’d started to pretend that Lily was still here, I couldn’t really remember.
But none of it was helping. It wasn’t like I wanted to eradicate all signs of Lily, I just needed to clear the floor and tidy up a bit. Surely Mum could understand that. It wasn’t like I was asking her to get rid of the stuff or asking her to get rid of Lily’s bed. That’s what I hated most: Lily’s empty bed. But getting rid of it would be too much. I tried to imagine asking Effy over for the weekend and having her sleep in it. I knew I wasn’t ready for that yet.
One step at a time. I think I’d just taken the first step.
I suddenly remembered Ted and the fact that I was meant to be there. I’d better ring him or better still get Mum to do it. I made her a cup of tea and it wasn’t until I was pouring the milk that I began to wonder if she was even in. If she thought I was going to Ted’s, perhaps she’d gone out. It was very quiet.
I found Mum in the sitting room, asleep on the sofa.
‘Mum, I’ve brought you some tea.’
How was I going to explain that I wasn’t at Ted’s without telling her about the awful lesson and the journal and everything? I wasn’t sure if I could face that right now, I felt washed out and a bit shaky.
Should I leave her to sleep and ring Ted myself? Mum might not wake up for a couple of hours and then she’d never know I hadn’t made it to Ted’s. I could do with a sleep myself. I went to put her tea on the side table and that was when I saw the empty pill bottle and the empty bottle of whisky.
I panicked. I’m not entirely sure what happened next. I think I instinctively ran upstairs to get help but I used the stairs indoors; the ones that were covered in things. I clambered over the stuff but when I got to the top the door was locked. I was banging on it and calling out for help. Then the door opened and a very shocked Devlin was standing there.
I must have been gabbling because he said, ‘Slow down, start again,’ but I was beyond speech so I gestured for him to follow me and stumbled back down the stairs.
I remember shaking Mum and her not waking up, at which point I must have got a bit rough with the shaking because Devlin pulled me off. He bent over her. ‘It’s okay,’ he said, ‘she’s still breathing, but I think we should call the emergency services.’
I was on my knees by the sofa saying, ‘Mum, Mum,’ over and over again so Devlin found the phone and tried to ring for an ambulance.
‘Do I call 911?’ said Devlin.
‘No, it’s 999,’ I managed to tell him. I was holding Mum’s hand and rubbing it, willing her to wake up.
‘Shouldn’t we be doing something? Like making her throw up or walk around the room?’ I said. I hated just sitting there.
‘The ambulance will be here soon,’ said Devlin. He looked really worried.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. It was our fault he’d got dragged into this.
‘Hey, it’s not your fault,’ he said, sitting down next to me and taking my hand. I couldn’t look at him. Of course it was my fault. It was all my fault. Everything.
‘Hello!’ The voice was coming from the top of the stairs.
‘Oh, thank God, my mom’s back,’ said Devlin, not even trying to hide his relief. ‘I won’t be long,’ he said, getting up. ‘I’ll be right back.’
Chapter Eighteen
When Devlin’s mum came in I had to move away so she could get a good look at Mum. Then the ambulance crew arrived and they surrounded Mum. I don’t know what they were saying. It was like my brain had had enough for one day and had shut down. But Devlin never left my side until they loaded Mum into the ambulance. There was no way they were going to shut the doors on me. I scrambled in after the stretcher. There was a moment’s confusion while the ambulance man tried to persuade me to get out and follow along in a taxi, and I remember refusing and the ambulance woman said it wouldn’t do any harm.
But when we got to the hospital they hustled Mum away. A nurse told me to go and sit in a waiting room. Then another nurse came and asked me a load of questions about Mum.
‘When can I see her?’ I said.
‘I don’t know, but I’ll keep you informed,’ said the nurse.
It wasn’t until she’d gone and I’d been by myself for what seemed like for ever, sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair, that the realisation hit me. I was alone. Literally. David and Jeanie were thousands of miles away and apart from them, if something happened to Mum, I had no one. What would happen to me? Would I be sent to live with Eileen and Frank in Wimbledon? Mum had said they were very elderly so probably not.
I looked around, like I might find the answer somewhere, anywhere. I should have been at home now, talking to Mum about what had happened today, and instead I was sitting alone in a smelly hospital with Mum possibly dying down the corridor and no one to help me.
I stood up. I wanted to go home. How could Mum have done this to me? I could hardly breathe, I was so outraged at her selfishness. I knew she was hurting about Lily but so was I. Had I tried to kill myself? I admit I’d wished I was dead a few times since the accident because I didn’t know how I was going to live without Lily, but I’d never considered killing myself because of what it would have done to Mum if I had.
I didn’t think I could face
Mum if she wasn’t dead. I was so angry at her I might kill her myself. I left the waiting room and took off down the corridor, following the exit signs.
I suddenly realised I had nothing with me – no coat, no money, no phone and no key to the house. I couldn’t even leave. My vision was blurred now by tears but I couldn’t stop walking. I turned a corner, not caring if it was the right one or not.
‘Hey!’
It was Devlin. Five minutes ago I’d have been overjoyed to see a familiar face but now I was in such a state I couldn’t talk to anyone.
‘Hey,’ said Devlin again, only quieter this time. He held on to my upper arms to stop me from storming past. ‘Milly, it’s me, Devlin.’ There were some chairs along the wall of the corridor and he led me towards them. All my resistance left me and I burst into tears.
‘Oh no, what’s happened? Your mom . . . Is she . . .?’ He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.
‘I . . . don’t . . . know . . .’ I managed.
‘Listen, my mom will be along in a minute, she’s looking for a doctor.’ Devlin was talking slowly and gently to me, as though I was a small child, which was fine by me because that’s what I felt like. ‘We came straight away in a taxi. Dad’s at home making up a bed for you. You can’t sleep on your own in the flat if they keep your mom in overnight. Mom’ll find out what’s going on. If anyone can kick ass, it’s my mother.’ His attempt to cheer me up just made me cry all the harder. Devlin put his arm round me and I cried on his shoulder – literally. I soaked his shirt.
But he was right about his mum. She sure kicked some ass.
Devlin and I waited in the waiting room while she did it. I’d stopped crying but we didn’t talk. I guess we were too busy worrying. But at least I wasn’t on my own any more.
Mrs Wade came back. ‘Your mum’s fine. You can go and see her now.’
All thoughts of leaving without seeing her vanished. I couldn’t get in there fast enough.
Me Myself Milly Page 12
