I was shown into a small side ward and saw Mum propped up in a bed. She was attached to a drip and looked more pale and fragile than I thought it was possible for anyone to look and still be alive.
I went and stood beside her bed but I couldn’t think what to say, so I reached out and took her hand. Mum’s eyelids flickered open.
‘Milly?’
‘I’m here, Mum.’
‘Oh Milly, I’m so sorry.’
I let go of her hand. I couldn’t think what to say.
‘They’re insisting on keeping me in overnight,’ said Mum. ‘It’s pretty embarrassing really.’
‘Embarrassing! You nearly die and you think it’s embarrassing!’ All the rage I’d felt earlier came flooding back. I’d just spent the evening on a roller coaster of emotions and embarrassment hadn’t exactly been one of them.
Mum looked at me. ‘I didn’t nearly die! Who told you that?’
‘I found you, Mum! You know, with the empty pill bottle and the empty whisky bottle!’
‘Shhh!’ Mum whispered, glancing round the ward. I hadn’t meant to yell but I couldn’t help it. She took hold of my hand.
‘Oh, Milly, I’m sorry . . . I didn’t realise that’s what you thought.’ A tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away impatiently. ‘The pill bottle was empty because I’d got to the end of it, not because I’d taken them all. That’s why I overdid it on the whisky. I’m sorry . . . really sorry. I swear it won’t happen again. I’m never touching another drop of whisky as long as I live, I promise.’
My hand was trembling and Mum pulled me towards her and gave me a hug. It was a bit awkward because of the drip but I hugged her back tight.
There was so much I wanted to say and I could tell she wanted to say more as well but it didn’t seem like the right place or the right time. And then one of the nurses came in and said I should probably go because Mum needed to rest.
Devlin and his mum were waiting for me outside the door. I realised they were practically strangers and yet they’d come with me to the hospital and were about to take me home. Not that Devlin looked like a stranger; he was beginning to look pretty familiar by now, which was something I wasn’t sorry about, especially when he flashed that smile of his at me. It was a pity he wasn’t interested in me, I thought as we drove back to King Street, then berated myself for thinking such things at a time like this. But then I had to smile because it just meant I was human and it felt good.
Chapter Nineteen
Devlin’s mum put me straight to bed when we got back. First, she went downstairs and got my things for me, like she knew I didn’t want to face the empty flat by myself. And despite everything that had happened to me in one day, I fell asleep immediately and didn’t wake up until the morning, which was a first for me since The Incident.
Devlin and I spent the morning together. We looked at Google Earth and he showed me Los Angeles and the house where he lived and the stadium where he went to watch baseball. I couldn’t believe how big everything was. I swear the stadium car park was about the same size as the whole of Bath. Well, maybe not quite but it seemed that way. Also, I couldn’t believe how all the streets were so straight and set out like a grid. Then we looked at Bath on Google Earth. They couldn’t have been more different and I began to understand how weird it must be for Devlin to leave that and come here.
Mum arrived home in the afternoon. She told me how she’d had her stomach pumped out but they hadn’t been too hard on her because of the mitigating circumstances, even though she’d been admitted for alcohol poisoning and they usually took a pretty dim view of that. I wondered how Lily would have felt about being described as ‘mitigating circumstances’, but I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t go to the cinema today with Devlin, like we’d planned. I told him we’d have to do it another time because I needed to be with Mum. He told me to let him know when I was ready. Neither of us said anything but I knew that he knew about Lily and what had happened. I suppose his mum told him yesterday when we were at the hospital. I remembered how she’d asked me not to tell Devlin about it and realised that it must have been because of his aquaphobia. Life would be less complicated, I thought, if people were just up front about things, then you wouldn’t get all these misunderstandings.
I thought it might be awkward when Mum got home and that we’d find it difficult to talk to each other but it wasn’t like that. Mum looked a lot better and said she just felt like she had a bit of a hangover and if it wasn’t for the drip they’d put her on last night she’d be a lot more hung over.
I knew she was trying to make light of a serious situation but I didn’t mind. I’d just about forgiven her for scaring me so badly. She said she had to go to the supermarket so I went with her. It was a huge relief to be doing something so ordinary.
I kept thinking about Effy and how kind she’d been to me. I couldn’t believe it was only yesterday. Anyhow, I thought I should text her to let her know I was okay and Mum said I should invite her round for the evening. Mum and I bought loads of silly things in the supermarket like popcorn and pizzas and she even let me get some Coke. I teased her when we got to the checkout about the fact that there wasn’t a lentil or bean in sight.
When Effy had gone home, Mum went straight to bed and I went into my room. Suddenly the fun evening we’d just had dissolved away and I was overwhelmed by the heavy feeling of loss again. I looked at Lily’s bed and all Lily’s things and I didn’t want to be in there. I got undressed and sat on the edge of my bed. I tried to picture Lily sitting in hers. I tried to have a conversation with her about everything that had happened today. But the spell had been broken; I couldn’t pretend any more. I opened the front of the doll’s house and picked up the Lily doll. I stroked the hair for little while and then I took the shoebox from under the bed and gently laid the doll in the box.
I went and climbed into Mum’s bed, praying that she wouldn’t tell me she was too tired to talk. Mum kissed me and we lay in silence for a long time listening to the ticking of her alarm clock. Mum’s breathing was even and I thought she’d gone to sleep but when I looked I found her looking right back. Then, before that guilty feeling overwhelmed me, the one I get when I think Mum is wishing she was looking at Lily instead of me, Mum said, ‘I’m so lucky to have you.’
She took my hand beneath the covers and squeezed it. ‘I’m so proud of you, Milly, you’ve been so strong. And I’m sorry and ashamed that I haven’t been there for you or been as strong as you.’
A tear rolled out of my eye and soaked into the pillow. I didn’t feel very strong.
‘You and Lily were always so different,’ said Mum, ‘even though you looked the same. I know Lily always seemed like the stronger one because she was so outgoing and she knew how to charm people, but she wasn’t strong underneath, Milly. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if it had been the other way round . . . if it had been you who . . .’ Mum’s voice faltered. She couldn’t bring herself to say the word so I squeezed her hand to let her know that I understood. She carried on, ‘And I don’t think we would have coped at all . . . I don’t know what would have happened. I think I would have lost Lily as well.’
Mum stopped because she was crying. I think I understood what she meant. I think she was trying to say that, if it had been me who had drowned that day, Lily would have gone right off the rails. I think Mum was thinking that Lily would have found a different way to cope; maybe drinking or even drugs and that’s how she’d have ended up losing both of us. I know neither of us wanted to believe that and it must have been hard for Mum to even nearly say it, but I think she was probably right.
‘I know,’ said Mum, ‘because Lily was very like me and that’s nearly the path I chose. But you’re like the other part of me, the part that can be strong, and you’ve made me realise how foolish I’ve been.’
But I still didn’t think I was strong and I thought Mum should know. I told her how I’d kept imagining Lily was still here; how I’d
kept her alive in my head but I wasn’t strong enough to keep it up and I didn’t know what to do without her. I told her how I couldn’t look in the mirror because I saw Lily and it hurt too much and I told her how I needed to do something about our bedroom so it didn’t look as if Lily had just left it and might walk back in at any moment.
Of course there were things that I couldn’t tell Mum, things that I couldn’t put into words even to myself. Like that time on the beach in Wales, when I stopped Lily from doing stuff with that boy because I thought she was too young and should wait until she was older. Now I really wished I hadn’t. Or about what had actually happened that day in April and how it was all my fault.
But it was as if Mum could read my mind.
‘Promise me you’ll never blame yourself for what happened that day,’ said Mum. ‘I couldn’t bear it if your life was ruined by guilt. It’s going to be hard enough living with the loss of your twin without the added burden of thinking it was anything but a tragic accident.’
We stopped talking for a time while we both thought about Lily. Then Mum said it wasn’t going to get any easier; in fact it would probably get harder when the shock wore off, and she’d decided that it was time we both had some bereavement counselling. She said we could go together if I wanted and we mustn’t hide any feelings we were having from each other. She said she’d help me with my room but she had to sort out some things first with her work. She was going to try and finish the book she was working on but she didn’t think she could write any more Twin books after that. She’d been thinking about writing something else anyway but the publishers had wanted to stick with the Twins because they were still selling well. I fell asleep at that point.
Chapter Twenty
Of course I had to go back to school on the Monday after Mum’s ‘accident’. I felt sick with nerves all the way there. I felt sure that everyone would point at me and be whispering about what had happened, which was why I’d changed schools in the first place!
Effy met me at the gate and acted as if nothing had happened, which made me feel a whole lot better. And then I wondered what I’d been worrying about. Nobody was looking at me or whispering behind their hands. When we met up with Molly, Harriet and Katy at lunchtime, nobody brought up what had happened in the religious studies lesson. Everything would have been fine if it wasn’t for the fact that I still had to face everyone in the next class on Friday. I tried not to think about it too much. I just wanted to get it over with but the week seemed to drag on and on like it was drawing out my agony on purpose.
In the end, I got through it without dying of embarrassment thanks to my friends. They sort of surrounded me as we went into the classroom. At first there was a slight lull in the conversation and people did look up, but Effy kept talking about what she was going to do at the weekend in that slightly loud voice of hers which, for once, I was grateful for.
There was a slightly awkward moment when Amy came in, but she avoided eye contact with me and the moment passed. But the best thing was that Mrs Clark didn’t take the lesson. Instead, the other teacher, Mrs Granger, came back from maternity leave.
Although things were good at school, it wasn’t so easy at home. The first big thing Mum and I had to face after our heart-to-heart was Christmas. Neither of us felt like celebrating but it’s hard to ignore Christmas entirely. We talked about it because that’s what we’d agreed: that we wouldn’t hide what we were feeling. We decided that having Christmas alone in the flat would be too difficult so in the end we spent it on the farm in Cornwall.
It wasn’t ideal, because the last time we were there Lily had been with us. But Mum said it was important to be among friends. I didn’t tell her about the trick Lily had played on me and Mark that time because I didn’t want her to think badly of Lily. But I was thinking about it all the way down there in the car, and I couldn’t help smiling when I thought about how Lily had cut off her braids so she could pretend to be me and how she’d looked so funny when the hair had started to grow back in and she’d had two little tufts either side of her head for ages and ages.
I was nervous about seeing Mark again and I knew that I’d have to explain about what had happened, because I wanted him to know it hadn’t been me who’d jumped on him and started kissing him.
He avoided me at first, but on the second day I tracked him down in the barn and just came straight out with it. He looked dead embarrassed, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of what had happened or because I was talking about my dead sister. Some people get uncomfortable about that. But it sort of broke the ice between us and we got on okay after that, although we weren’t as friendly as we had been two years ago.
Mum’s friends weren’t exactly celebrating Christmas, they were having a Yuletide celebration, but there were still presents and lots of nice food and Mum and I managed.
The other big thing we dealt with was my bedroom.
When I got home from school one day Mum said she had something for me. She took me into my bedroom and there, in the middle of the floor, was a big wooden box.
‘It’s a blanket box,’ said Mum. ‘I thought we could paint it and then you can choose some of Lily’s special things and keep them in there. I’ve been in touch with Jeanie and she says we can put the rest in the attic.’ Mum sounded nervous, like she wasn’t sure how I was going to react or if it was the right thing to do.
‘I think it’s a great idea,’ I told her, giving her a hug.
‘Do you want me to help you?’ said Mum.
‘Okay,’ I said.
I sort of wanted to do it on my own, but I thought it was important that Mum was there as well because it would be like saying goodbye to Lily again.
At first I wanted to put everything in the blanket box but it was impossible because it wasn’t big enough. Mum had got some cardboard boxes for the attic and we started to put Lily’s things into them. Every time I came across something I couldn’t part with I put it in the wooden chest instead.
I won’t pretend it was easy. It felt like I was packing Lily away, out of sight. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t like that, because Lily would always be there but she’d be in me, in my heart and my memories, and that’s what was important.
I know Mum was feeling the same way but we carried on until it was done.
I was clearing out under Lily’s bed and I found a half-eaten bar of chocolate. I put it in one of the attic boxes along with Lily’s clothes and toiletries and school books. One day Mum and I would have to deal with the contents of these boxes but it wouldn’t be for a long time.
Meanwhile I chose the essence of Lily’s life to keep in the special box. I put the scrapbook we’d made about our father at the bottom. I kept her knitted monkey, Bubbles, and her art book. Lily had been really good at art whereas I was better at maths and science.
There was an awful moment when I came across the blue hoodie in the back of the wardrobe. The one that the boy called Josh had put round my shoulders after the accident. I didn’t want to have to explain to Mum where it had come from, so I folded it and placed it in one of the attic boxes.
I asked Mum if she minded the doll’s house going up in the attic. I thought it was about time I got rid of it. Mum said that would be fine, so I got the box of dolls and took out the one that was Lily. I opened the front of the doll’s house and took out the doll that was me and I placed them side by side in the blanket box. I took the journal that Ted had given to me, the one with Lily’s and my life in it, and added it to the pile and then I shut the lid.
We got Devlin to help us carry everything else up to the top of the house. When I got back to my bedroom it looked so empty and sad that I thought I’d made the wrong decision. I suddenly wanted everything back, just as it had been, but there was no way I could do that after all the effort we’d gone to.
After that I spent most of my time in the sitting room and the kitchen and only went into my bedroom when it was time for bed. Mum must have noticed, because one weekend I went to
stay with Effy and when I got home on the Sunday evening Mum was looking sheepish.
‘I’ve done a couple of things to your room,’ she said. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’
The first thing I noticed was a sign stuck on the door. It said Emily’s Room. I smiled at Mum who was hovering behind me. I couldn’t believe it when I opened the door. Mum must have had some serious help to have got all this done in a couple of days. She’d painted the walls and everything!
I looked around. Mum had rearranged the furniture and there was even a new desk. She’d moved my bed and then she’d turned Lily’s bed into a kind of sofa. It didn’t have any bedding on it any more. Instead it was covered in a beautiful patchwork quilt, the sort of thing Lily would have loved, and there were plenty of cushions arranged along the back, against the wall. I noticed that one of the cushion covers was made from some of Lily’s old clothes.
The whole thing was perfect. Everything about it said Lily in the best possible way. I knew I’d be able to use it to sit and relax or read a book and not feel sad any more when I looked at her empty bed.
‘Do you like it?’ said Mum. She was still looking worried.
‘I love it,’ I said, giving her a hug.
Devlin and I meet up with the others most Saturdays at the café. I always feel really relaxed with my new friends, because although they know about Lily and what happened, they never knew her so we don’t talk about her. I don’t mean that I don’t want to talk about Lily, I just mean I can be myself when I’m with them and it’s not all mixed up with who I used to be.
I’ve stopped going to Ted’s and instead Mum and I see a grief counsellor twice a month, which really helps. There are a couple of things coming up which aren’t going to be easy. First, it will be our birthday when I’ll be turning fifteen. Mum and I are trying to decide what to do. There’s a plaque at the crematorium with Lily’s name on it and I expect we’ll take her some flowers. Then a week later will be the anniversary of the accident. The counsellor asked us if we would be visiting the site where the accident happened and we said we wouldn’t be going there. I think the pond was drained and it’s on private land. I don’t think going back there would help.
Me Myself Milly Page 13
