Breathing For The First Time

by Mary E Thompson

  “We’re good, yeah sure,” sarcasm drips from Tyler’s voice. “I hope you’ll give me a chance to talk to you Brooke, but I see you’re not in the mood. Maybe later we can talk. It’s not what you think. I’m not giving up on you Brooke. You can avoid me for the week, but once we’re home, you and I both know you won’t be able to avoid me. And you won’t have protection then either.”

  I don’t answer him. The strength of his voice is fueled by his frustration, but I can’t trust my voice right now. I know if I speak, my tears will fall and my voice will betray the strength I’m trying to force out. I cross my arms over my chest, hoping he gets the point.

  I also know he’s right. We’ve only been on one date, but we were friends before that. I owe him the chance to explain what’s going on. But not now. I need to either start drinking first or find a way to gather some strength. I don’t think he’ll lie to me, but then again, he already did. Talking to him when Paige and Tiffany are around will be easier than when I’m alone.

  After a moment, Tyler passes his gaze over Paige and Tiffany, accepting his defeat. He turns around and goes back to his friends.

  The redhead looks back, flashing a smug grin in my direction as Tyler joins them. A part of me would love to smack that look off her face, but my heart is too fragile. Tiffany was right, I don’t sleep around, and sleeping with Tyler the other night was pretty significant for me, especially on a first date. He’s only the fourth guy I’ve slept with, but definitely the one I’ve felt the strongest about.

  I swipe at my cheeks, taking the tears away, knowing he doesn’t deserve them. Paige reaches over and squeezes my hand and Tiffany tells me, “You did good.”

  I watch Tyler and the stunning redhead. They are very comfortable with each other. She drapes herself over him like it’s the most natural thing in the world. He turns to look at me a few times, but I pretend not to be watching him, hiding behind my dark sunglasses.

  Tyler and his friends leave the pool after about an hour, likely going for an early lunch. With the pool clear, I tell Paige and Tiffany I’m going for a swim. I let the water rush over me as I swim a few laps. I stretch my muscles, still achy from traveling yesterday, and decide to take a run later. The water feels good.

  Paige and Tiffany want to ride the water slide. The crowd around the pool is starting to thin out thanks to lunch so we leave our things on the chairs and climb the stairs to the top of the slide.

  By the time we get to the top I’ve almost forgotten about Tyler. It finally feels like vacation with my girls. Paige sits on the top of the slide first, waiting for the attendant to tell her she can go. I follow her, with Tiffany behind me. I crash into the water at the bottom of the slide, plunging under the surface. My eyes fill with saltwater and I drop my feet to push my body to a standing position.

  I wipe the water from my face and wait for Tiffany to splash in behind me. The three of us exchange a look and run back up the steps to slide again.

  Exhaustion and hunger settle in after another hour and we search out lunch. The pool has started to get crowded again, but Tyler isn’t back. After lunch we have massages booked so at least I know I won’t run into him there.

  I wish we could stay in the spa the rest of the day, but I want to go to dinner tonight. Hiding from Tyler the entire trip will let him, and the bitchy redhead, win, and I’m not going to let that happen. Not that we’re in a win/lose battle, I hope. We drag ourselves from the spa pool and go back to our room. Tiffany heads to the shower first and Paige and I drop into chairs on the balcony.

  Paige fills the silence with news about her and Dante. She quit her job as a paralegal before we left and she’s really excited to be working full time making jewelry. Paige always made all my jewelry in college, and even now I beg her for things. She’s never let me pay her, giving me the best friend discount.

  I feel a pang of jealousy as she talks about her life. It’s wonderful that she’s so happy, but I wish I had a small piece of her happiness. She’s got a great guy, a career she loves, an amazing condo with Dante, and enough money to do anything she wants. What more could she ask for?

  My thoughts drift back to Tyler. I thought I finally had a great guy of my own. Grad school means I’ll be waiting for the career part a little longer, but the guy part would have been nice to figure out now. Especially someone like Tyler.

  Last semester I got to know him well, or at least I thought I did. When we agreed to be study partners, he jumped right into getting to know me. I noticed him checking me out in class, but during one of our first conversations he told me about his college girlfriend.

  I never found out the girlfriend’s name. We didn’t talk about her much, almost like she was part of a different life. But I wouldn’t ever let myself get too close to him because she did exist. Tyler told me about his family, growing up in Texas, and his goals for the future. His mom suffers from depression, which is what drove him to study psychology. He has a very kind heart, and always wants to do the right thing, even if it means he’s unhappy.

  The night before one of our finals in the fall I flipped out. I felt like I had forgotten everything and called him in a panic. He was sleeping, but insisted on meeting me out for a drink and talked me down. We didn’t study, just talked. I felt so much better after that, and I aced my exam. It was my first glimpse of Tyler putting someone else before himself. He should have been home sleeping, but he was with me.

  Still lost in my thoughts, I don’t notice when Paige leaves the balcony for the shower and Tiffany comes out. Tiffany squeezes my shoulder and tells me it’ll all be okay. I do my best to believe her, but know it’s harder than she thinks. Tiffany is very logical with men. She’s definitely someone who will fall hard when she falls in love, but she’s guarded. She doesn’t understand how much I care for Tyler. This isn’t as simple as she thinks. I feel like my heart was shattered with a baseball bat.

  After Paige vacates the bathroom, I shower and change quickly, trying not to worry too much about what I wear. If I’m honest, I want to make Tyler regret what he’s doing, but I don’t want to think about it.

  I choose a lightweight black dress, spotted with tropical flowers. It’s short, but makes my legs look longer than my 5’ 5” frame. I borrow Tiffany’s strappy heels and earn a whistle from my friends. I twist my blonde hair into a loose bun, letting pieces fall out into a frame around my face. I play up my chocolate eyes, knowing Tyler loves my eyes.

  We reach our table and I’m relieved to see Tyler is seated on the other side of the dining hall, barely in sight of us. We are seated with a threesome of ladies in their 50’s, Peggy, Diane, and Terri. The three could easily be sisters with matching blue eyes and greying hair. Their plump figures remind me of my grandma, someone who always makes me feel comforted by her embrace. We talk and laugh with our new friends, drinking wine and enjoying time with another thrilling threesome.

  Peggy, the one in blue that matches their eyes, asks, “Where were you ladies last night? We thought you saw us old bitties and ran, hoping to find a table of young hot men.”

  Tiffany quickly jumps in saying, “We were all so exhausted from the trip that we decided to relax in our room, order room service, and enjoy a night together, something we hadn’t had in months.”

  The ladies nod, “Oh, we completely get it. Even though we live in the same town, we all have so much going on with our jobs, our kids and grandkids, and our husbands. Being close friends means we try to get together, but that’s why we come on these trips. It’s a chance to connect, without the other distractions,” says one of the others, Terri, I think.

  “That’s a great plan. I think we hope we can do things like that, but wonder if it’ll work out. Right now we’re pretty spread out. Even this trip, we planned it when we were on our last trip. A lot has happened in the last nine months, but we still have a great friendship.” Paige tells them. She’s the one with the biggest changes in her life over nine months finding Dante, moving in with him, and then quitting her
job last week.

  The conversation lightens up as we share a little more of who we are. Our new friends tell us how they each found love, making me glance toward Tyler. I know I’m not in love with him, but I easily could have fallen in love with him. Peggy brings me back to the conversation when she asks if there’s someone special in my life.

  I force a sad smile and tell her, “No, not anymore.”

  Her blue eyes pierce through me, “You’ll find what you’re looking for. Love is never easy, but it’s always worth the trouble.”

  I nod, feeling a tear threatening my eyes. Thankfully Peggy recognizes the expression on my face. She gives me a look of sympathy before directing her attention toward Paige. I take advantage of the temporary reprieve and let my gaze drift back to Tyler.

  My heart seizes when I see him laugh at something the redhead says. I smile at his beautiful smile, but look away quickly, brushing a tear from my eyelashes. I jump back into the conversation at my table, telling myself to forget about Tyler.

  Peggy, Diane, and Terri make us laugh the rest of dinner, and I know sharing a table with them for the week is going to be a lot of fun. I’m feeling good for once and amazed at how much a great night with some amazing women can change my mood. Of course the massage earlier helped. We decide to hit a show tonight, but know we need to be asleep early since we’ll be in Cozumel early tomorrow. Maybe this trip will be exactly what I need.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Tyler

  I need to talk to Brooke. It’s clear I won’t get a word in with her friends around, not that I blame them. She just doesn’t understand, and I need her to.

  I haven’t seen her much since I tried to talk to her at the pool three days ago. We were on shore every day since and she’s avoided me after dinner. Rachel isn’t helping at all either. She’s acting like we’re together, trying to hold my hand and touching me. Because of our history, I don’t want to be rude to her, but she’s making me nuts.

  Tonight, I’m going to try to talk to Brooke again. Maybe it’s useless, but I can’t help myself. She’s all I can think about, and I’m not going to let her slip through my hands. We’re on a ship, sailing around some of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen, and I want to share it with her.

  Instead, I’m stuck watching her with her friends, dying to hold her.

  I came back onboard early today, telling Rachel, Jon, and Jessica I didn’t feel well. Rachel tried to come with me, but Jessica begged her to stay so they could shop. I hoped to run into Brooke, but I didn’t see her. I assumed she’d be on a shore excursion with her friends, or avoiding me, but I had to take a chance.

  The cruise leaves port at three o’clock and I make sure I’m out of the room a little early, knowing Rachel will come looking for me. Holding her off has been okay so far, but each night gets harder. I don’t want her. I want Brooke. But Rachel isn’t willing to accept that.

  I still haven’t told Rachel about Brooke. When we broke up three months ago she asked me if there was someone else. I told her no, but only because Brooke and I hadn’t talked about being together. I hoped she would want to be with me, but I didn’t want to hurt Rachel without knowing what would happen with Brooke.

  Rachel has noticed me watching Brooke, I know she has. She turned up the charm after I went to Brooke at the pool. It’s hard to not respond to her, my body remembers her touch, but it doesn’t set me on fire. Not like Brooke. But now Rachel has gone from spending the time we’re in the room in her underwear to sleeping naked. In all honesty, it’s coming across as incredibly desperate.

  I scan the ship, looking for Brooke. I know she’s here somewhere, but I haven’t seen her out much on the ship. I don’t know where her room is so I can’t just knock on her door and ask if we can talk. God, this is frustrating.

  I give up my search a few minutes before dinner is going to start. I know she’ll be in the dining room. I get there early so I can sit facing her table. We might be across the room from each other, but if I can see her, I can follow her out and find a way to talk to her.

  Thankfully I’m the first one to my table. Jessica and Jon have been late every night, and I have a pretty good idea why. Rachel usually tries to walk with me, but I managed to escape her tonight. Hopefully I can fend her off after dinner, too.

  I settle into my seat and watch the door for Brooke. I hope she comes in before the others so I can watch her without being distracted by a conversation.

  I bring my water to my lips just as Brooke walks through the door. I nearly choke on my drink, stunned by her beauty. She looks even more gorgeous than ever. Her blue dress is impossibly short, barely covering her sweet, round ass. Her breasts bounce with each step and I know the thin fabric of her dress is the only thing keeping them in place. Her blonde hair is hanging free, gliding across her shoulders and kissing her breasts as she walks.

  My hands move at the sight of her, wanting to touch her, and I feel my shorts tighten as my entire body responds to her. I want to go to her now, but I know I can’t. This isn’t the place for us to talk. There are too many people here, and this is a personal conversation. I have to wait until we can be alone.

  I watch Brooke sit down and smile at the women seated across from her. The ladies fall into a conversation that I’m dying to hear, if only because it brings a smile to Brooke’s face, one I wish I put there.

  Rachel drops into the chair next to me, tearing my attention from Brooke. She follows my gaze. A frown creeps across her face, but she plasters on a smile when she turns back to me. I try to return her smile, but I know it isn’t genuine. She knows it, too.

  Jon and Jessica sit down across from us before we say anything, and the awkwardness drifts away. I’m distracted and know I always will be when Brooke is in the room.

  Jon asks if I’m feeling better and I tell him a little, hoping to keep the ruse up for my after dinner escape.

  Rachel slips her hand on my knee, letting it rest there while she talks to Jessica about the wedding. A part of me believes that Rachel is hoping I’ll propose to her, but the idea of marriage with her is nowhere on my radar. I look across the room and the image of Brooke in a wedding gown stops my heart.

  What am I thinking?

  I’ve got it bad. Worse than I thought. I need to talk to her. Tonight.

  I watch Brooke and her friends get up from their table at the end of dinner. I clutch my stomach and tell my friends I’m suddenly not feeling well again and that I need to go. I rush out of the dining room, ignoring Rachel’s offer to go with me.

  Brooke is gone when I reach the common room. But I see a flash of blue, the color of her dress, and I follow it.

  I have no idea if I’m following the right person, but I have to take a chance. When I finally get closer, I know those legs are hers. My eyes travel up her body, appreciating her from behind. I want that body pressed against me again.

  They are going in to watch tonight’s show. I get to the door just in time to see them sit down, without a free seat anywhere close to them. I find an empty chair in the corner of the theater, in the darkness where I won’t be seen.

  And wait.

  The show is good, but I barely watch it. I’m focused on Brooke, her face lighting up with laughter, her lips moving as she whispers to her friends, and her eyes shining in the lights from the stage.

  When the show is over, I step into the hallway, waiting for Brooke. They walk past me before I realize they went through the other door, and I’m chasing her again. I freeze when I see the three women enter the club. I’ve never danced with Brooke, but the idea of her dancing with someone else, his hands on her body... I can’t take it.

  I throw the door open and look around. The brilliant blue of her dress shines in the flickering lights and the rest of the world disappears.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Brooke

  Despite Tyler and his girlfriend, I’ve managed to have a really good time. Tyler has tried to talk to me a few times, but Paige and Tiffany are blocking h
im. A part of me wants to talk to him, to understand what the hell is going on, but I can’t. I know if I do I might not be strong enough to keep from giving in to him. I’m still hurt and confused.

  The last three days have been full of shore excursions and lots of fun. During the day I completely forget about Tyler, but at night I dream about him. I know I can’t have him, but I really felt like we had something going on. God, I imagined forever with him. But that’s never going to happen.

  I need to shake this funk. It’s going to get worse when we’re back at school. I won’t have Paige and Tiffany around to keep me safe, keep my heart safe.

  The music fills me as we walk inside the club and onto the dance floor. I feel my body let go, letting the music wash over me. I lose myself completely and don’t think twice when he comes up behind me, my skin sizzling under his touch. I lean into him and he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me into him.

  I don’t have to look; I know it’s Tyler.

  Paige and Tiffany turn and see me and their eyes widen into saucers. They approach me, but I shake my head and they stay put. I close my eyes and let the music fill me again, dancing, and forgetting that I’m mad at Tyler just for a moment.

  When I turn around to him, his blue eyes are dark, filled with lust and possessiveness. He keeps his arm tight against me, pressing my body into his. I let my arms fall to my side and drop my head back. Tyler pulls me tighter into him and drops kisses along my neck. My body shivers and responds to him, more than I’d like to admit.

  I force myself to remember that I’m mad at him and I push away from him. He tries to pull me back to him, but I stand my ground. The look of defeat in his eyes tells me I won’t have to try hard to keep him away. “What can I do Brooke? What can I do to show you that I want to be here with you?”