Breathing For The First Time

by Mary E Thompson

  Sex, she’s always worried about sex. I should have known the conversation would go there. “No, Mom, Tyler is not pressuring me. It’s nothing like that. Tyler is amazing. I think he’s too amazing.”

  Mom laughs, obviously not believing me, “No man is too amazing. So, if Mr. Amazing is that great, why did he get some other girl pregnant and how does this effect you?”

  “He was drunk and thought she was me,” I say, wincing at the admission.

  “He must have been pretty drunk if he thought someone else was you. Unless she’s your doppelganger.”

  “Hardly,” I mutter, a little envious of Rachel’s brilliant red hair and endlessly long legs.

  “Okay, so he was just really drunk. And you two are together and he’s trying to figure out what to do about the baby. Does that about cover it?” Mom asks, sounding frustrated at the mess.

  “Yeah, that covers it,” I say, unable to hide the annoyance in my voice. I feel like she’s already beating me up about the whole thing. I didn’t call her looking for her to question Tyler’s character. I need a different perspective, someone who could help me figure out how to handle this.

  I stop myself from getting mad at Mom and try to see it from her perspective. She’s worried about me. She’s never met Tyler. He’s the first guy I’ve really talked to her about, and it’s been good, but she’s cautious. Mom knows I’m not going to be with someone who isn’t good for me, but she also knows that I’ve changed since we’ve been together. It’s impossible not to change when you’re with someone, but she’s not used to it.

  Mom’s voice softens, “Tell me about Tyler. Is he a good person? If you care about him I’m guessing he’s a good guy.”

  “He’s wonderful, Mom. He’s kind and caring. He helps me without hesitation. I think his biggest flaw is he always put everyone else first. He does what’s right, even when it makes him miserable.”

  “Ah, so now we’re getting to the point of this call. You think he’s going to go back to the mother and you want me to tell you that it’s okay if you ask him to stay with you. You don’t want to let him go.” She pauses, then takes a deep breath, “Are you in love with him?”

  I take a deep breath also and tell Mom the truth, “Yes, Mom, I am. He makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. When we’re together I’m so happy. I can see a future with him, a love like you and Dad have. He makes me laugh and holds me when I cry. We get along really well. I feel like the person I’ve always wanted to be, always thought I was, when I’m with him.”

  “Have you ever had a fight? I mean, aside from whatever is going on now with this pregnancy,” Mom says. The question in her voice tells me she’s looking for something more.

  “No, Mom, we don’t fight. Everything is right and we don’t have anything to fight about.” I feel defensive, already preparing myself for the lecture.

  “It’s hard to know you really love someone until you’ve gotten through a few fights. I know that’s hard to hear, sweetie, but I really believe it’s true. Until you come out on the other side of an argument, you won’t know if either of you will fight dirty, or if you’ll be able to compromise. It might be perfect now, but eventually there will be arguments you need to work out. You need to learn how to deal with differences together.”

  “How is that possible? I mean if we love each other, why is not fighting a bad thing?”

  Mom exhales loudly. She’s frustrated with me, challenging her after I called for her advice, “Let’s think about your current situation, okay? You two are perfect for each other so imagine one day you get married. You stay in South Carolina. In a few years you end up having your own kids. Maybe you have an arrangement with the mom that the kid alternates holidays with Tyler and you.”

  I’m trying to figure out where all this is going, but I know it’s not going to end well.

  “So one year you decide to take your kids on a cruise or to Disney World or something. Tyler calls and tells the plan to the mom who flat out refuses. Says the kid can’t go. She wants to be there for the trip, so either she comes too, or the kid doesn’t go on the trip.”

  I force the breath from my lungs, and know this situation is real. Maybe not today, but one day it could be.

  “Tyler is set on taking the kid. He already promised him or her that the whole family would go. So, what do you do?”

  My heart sinks. I drop my head to my chest and press my palms into my eyes. “Okay, Mom, I get it. We have to figure out how we will work things out. Fighting could help us work through some issues. But you know that there is a line too. Fighting too much will pull us apart.”

  “You’re right, honey. But until you have one fight, neither of you will know if you will stop fighting. Some couples are great until the first fight happens, and then it’s all downhill. The most common cause of divorce is money. And if y’all are worried about paying child support for Tyler’s kid 1000 miles away, money is going to get even tighter. What happens if you can’t both follow your dreams because you don’t make enough money? What about having your own kids? Have you talked about all this?”

  I sigh, and know she’s right. There’s a lot Tyler and I haven’t figured out. We should have plenty of time to talk about all this, but instead we are being forced into decisions. We’ve only been together a few weeks.

  “No, Mom, we haven’t. There’s a lot we need to talk about. I know that. It’s not what I wanted to hear, but I think, in a way, it’s what I needed to hear. I want Tyler to take care of his kid, and I want us to be together. I just don’t know if it can all happen.”

  “Sweetie,” she starts, cautiously, “what does Tyler want? Have you asked him?”

  A breath of laughter escapes my nose, “That’s all we’ve talked about for weeks now. He doesn’t know. I keep telling him he needs to figure this out, it’s up to him what he wants to do, but he’s been indecisive. I feel like he’s waiting for me to tell him what to do.”

  Mom hesitates before responding. “Have you ever thought that maybe he’s hoping you’ll help him make this decision? You said you love him. Does he love you too?”

  The question hangs in the air, teasing me. “I feel like he does, but he hasn’t said it.”

  “Well, if he does love you, he might be imagining a future with you, one that includes this kid. He could be hoping you guys can work this out together, with the mom, to do what’s best for the child, but also find a way so you can be together.”

  And this is why I call my mom. I never considered that Tyler was hesitant to make a decision because he wants to know how I feel. If we are going to be together, I will be in this kid’s life, too. Oh God, I’ll be a step-mom.

  “So what do I tell him, Mom?” I whine like a child, still so confused.

  “You tell him what’s in your heart, sweetie. You tell him that you want to make things work with him, but that you know he needs to be a part of his child’s life. You tell him you love him.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Tyler

  Every time I go to Brooke’s place I get anxious now. I used to be comfortable there, to almost feel like it was home. But since I found out about the baby, it’s different. Everything is different.

  Brooke and I haven’t slept together since I told her about Rachel and the baby. I don’t know if she’s pulling away from me or if we’re just trying to understand it all. Either way, I know I miss her. It’s not the sex, it’s being with her. It’s holding her in my arms and kissing her velvet skin. It’s kissing her and feeling the breath leave me. It’s looking into her eyes and being completely lost and completely found at the same time.

  I pull up outside her complex and park my truck in her guest spot. I climb the steps to her apartment. Instead of walking in like I used to, I knock on the door and wait for Brooke to let me in.

  Brooke opens the door and steps back to let me by. She looks beautiful in her yoga capris. They’re fit tight over her legs and ass, pooling fire low in my gut. She’s wearing a loose mint green sh
irt with a V dropping in the front, teasing me with a glimpse of cleavage. Her hair is piled on top of her head leaving her neck bare and so kissable.

  It’s hard to keep my hands to myself, but she’s giving me the message that she doesn’t want me to touch her. I lean forward and drop a kiss on her cheek, not giving in to the desire to touch her. When I pull back from her she reaches for my hand and meets my eyes. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. I press my face into her hair, deeply inhaling her coconut scent.

  We stand there for a few moments, holding on tightly to each other. I know she’s trying to figure this all out, too, and that she’s in it with me. Knowing how much this hurt her tells me how much she cares, and I feel better with her in my corner. Of course, I also hate myself for hurting her this badly.

  Brooke pulls back from me and leads me to her couch. I know we need to talk, and she’s not going to waste any time. “I called my mom today,” Brooke begins. “I wanted her advice about... us.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat, knowing she’s about to break up with me. I reach for her hand, wanting to feel her touch for the last few minutes that I believe she loves me, or that she could love me.

  “What did your mom say?” I ask, trying to keep my emotions in check.

  Brooke smiles, an expression I haven’t seen in weeks, “She said we need to start fighting.”

  The amusement in Brooke’s eyes is counter to the confusion I know is all over my face. “Excuse me?”

  “Mom said we won’t know how to make a life together until we’ve figured out how to fight.”

  I’m still confused, “I don’t want to fight with you. Why would she say that? Does she want us apart?”

  “No,” Brooke tells me. The side of her mouth quirks up, “She just knows there is a lot we need to figure out about each other. She doesn’t want to see me hurt, but when I called her today it was pretty clear I am.”

  I flinch, knowing her mom hates me now. “I’m sorry, Brooke. It breaks my heart to know how badly I hurt you. If there was anyway I could change it, a way to take it back...”

  I let my words trail off, knowing there’s nothing I can say.

  “I know, Ty. I hurt for both of us. I hurt for your baby, too.”

  My baby. It’s still hard to think about. My baby with Rachel.

  I know telling Brooke the truth is the only way to go forward. “Brooke, I don’t know what I should do. I know I have a responsibility to the baby, but my future is not with Rachel. At one point I thought maybe it was, but now, I know it’s not.”

  Brooke looks at me, her eyes so intent I know she’s seeing my soul, “Rachel is going to be in your future, whether you like it or not. Her baby is your baby. No matter what, you will always be tied together. If you decide to marry her, you will have a family with her.”

  My heart drops. Marry Rachel? How can Brooke suggest that? “Do you think I should marry her?” I whisper.

  “I don’t know Ty. If I were the one pregnant, I would want you to marry me.”

  “Yeah, but we’re together. Rachel and I aren’t. We haven’t been in months.”

  “I know. But you’re still going to have a child. Is it fair to the baby that you’re not involved, that you’re not a part of its life?” Brooke’s voice is unrecognizable, steady and calm, but there’s no emotion, nothing to tell me that she loves me.

  “What are you saying?” I ask her, barely able to process where this is going.

  “I think you need to go home. At least for a little while. You need to figure out what is going on with Rachel and what you want to do.”

  The room closes in on me as her words sink in. I can’t imagine leaving her. I don’t want to be with Rachel. I know that.

  “I want to be with you. That’s all I need to know. I’ll figure the rest out later.”

  Brooke takes a deep breath. She exhales slowly and I feel her breath on my skin. I close my eyes, remembering the last time we were together. When I open my eyes, she’s watching me. “I want to be with you, too, Ty. But you need to figure out the rest before we can be together. You need to know what Rachel expects from you, and how you are going to make things work with her and the baby.”

  I know she’s right. I have the rest of my life to make Brooke mine. The baby will be here in a few months. Rachel and I need to decide how to handle custody, visitation, and child support. I need to figure out what my rights are.

  “Will you come with me, to Texas?” I ask Brooke, knowing the answer before I even ask the question.

  She shakes her head. “No, you need to do this without me. You need to figure out what you want without me around to cloud the situation.”

  I nod, accepting it, but not happy to be away from her.

  “Okay, I’ll go home. For a month, after finals. But when I get back, you and I are going to get back to normal.” I take her face in my hands, forcing her to meet my eyes, “Okay?”

  Brooke nods, but tears fill her eyes. I press my lips to hers, feeling her tears dripping across our joined mouths. We pull apart and I wipe the tears from her eyes. I hold her close, feeling our hearts beating together.

  Somehow, I need to make this right. I will come back to her. We will be together again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Brooke

  Finals were brutal. Tyler and I studied together, but it was hard to concentrate being in the same room as him. I felt like it was the last time we would be together like we are and it pulled my focus away from school.

  Tyler went home right after finals. We spent his last night in town together, but when we made love, I knew he was saying goodbye. It was the only time we’ve been together since he found out about the baby. We both needed to be together, but it was bitter sweet.

  I need to find a way to get over him this summer. I don’t know if he’s coming back for school in the fall or not, or even next month. I can’t think about it too much or I’ll start crying again.

  My friends here have been great, but it’s not like having Paige and Tiffany. Paige and Dante are engaged now. Talking to her always ends in a wedding conversation. I’m thrilled for her, really, but the wedding talk makes me think about Tyler and Rachel and the wedding they might be planning soon.

  Jen, one of my friends from grad school, calls and invites me out. A friend of hers is in town from back home, California, I think, and they’re going out tonight. I agree, knowing I need to get out of my apartment and forget Tyler.

  I search my closet for something to wear. Summer is breathing down our necks and it’s getting steamy in the city. I need something light and fun to wear out, but everything I see reminds me of Tyler.

  I shake my head to clear him from my mind and find a pair of jean shorts. I search for a top and pull out a gauzy caramel colored top. It should be light enough. I slide on a pair of brown wedges and pick out some jewelry from Paige.

  I look in my mirror and imagine Tyler walking up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. My eyes close and I convince myself that he is with me, holding me close, kissing my neck.

  Fresh tears fall when I open my eyes. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him.

  I wipe the tears and lean close to the mirror to fix my make-up. I tell myself to stop crying over him and that it’s done and crying isn’t going to help. The make-up helps hide the puffiness under my eyes, but nothing can cover the pain in my heart.

  Jen pulls up in front of my apartment. I climb in the backseat so her friend, Becca, can stay up front with her. Jen has her caramel hair pulled up in a loose ponytail with rhinestone pins tucked into her hair. She’s wearing a black halter top with more rhinestones trailing over her collar bones and between her breasts. She paired that with short yellow shorts that would make me look like a bumble bee, but she looks gorgeous. Becca has on a short blue halter sundress scattered with seahorses, starfish, and shells. She would fit in on the beach or in a club in that dress. I’m incredibly jealous of her white blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. She’
ll get lots of attention tonight!

  We head to The Vista, where the bars are more popular among the older crowd. Five Points is where we went as undergrads, but The Vista has more grad students and young professionals. Jen parks and we walk to the piano bar. Jen is our designated driver tonight, but Becca and I are ready to party. We order enough drinks to take down a frat house then search for Jen.

  We spot Jen at a table near the stage, and Becca and I pile our goodies onto it. Some people are dancing, but mostly you come for the drinks and the atmosphere. I’m just here for the drinks.

  I suck down three Jell-O shots to start my night. I’ll regret it tomorrow, but I need to forget for tonight. The shots are followed by some strong drinks that seem weaker with each sip. It doesn’t take long for the alcohol to take hold of me. I feel a slight buzz. Tyler is drifting from my mind.

  I drink a few more shots, forgetting Tyler with every sip, until he’s gone. Completely out of my mind. And I feel better.

  Then I feel cool. There’s something hard under my face. I ache all over. I push my eyelids up and the room spins. I try to put my foot on the floor but can’t find the edge of whatever I’m lying on. I peek through my eyelids and see something large and white in front of me.

  Where the hell am I?

  I hear voices coming from somewhere close by, but can’t make out what they are saying, or who they are. I test my dizziness again by trying to sit up. When I pick up my head the room tilts and I realize I am in a bathroom. Good thing too because the sudden movement of the room turns my stomach. I push open the lid to empty my stomach into the toilet.

  Nothing comes out.

  I heave for a minute before my stomach settles. I return to my spot on the floor, thankful for the cool tile beneath my cheek.

  The door pushes open slightly and I hear Jen’s voice, “Are you okay?”

  “Am I dead?”