Love from Amanda to Zoey

by Ian Mark

  “I meant everything I said, Zoey.” I smiled at her, and slid my computer off my lap. I took her hand in mine and leaned forward. “I love you.”

  She smiled wide. Her eyebrows relaxed. Some weight lifted off of her. I hadn’t noticed, but she had tensed up when she asked. “I love you too, Zachary.” She spoke quickly and kissed me hard. “I was afraid you had only said it because of the drugs.”

  I laughed. “Well, that certainly made it easier to say. But it is true. And to be honest, that scares me.” I slid the blanket off of me and eased myself out of bed.

  “Well. I didn’t realize I was scary.” She pretended to be offended. “Where are you going?” I stretched my arms out. I was wearing nothing but boxers. Zoey watched my abs move as I stretched.

  “I’m going to grab some water before bed, you want anything?” She got up and put her glasses on the bed.

  “I’ll come with you, assuming that doesn’t frighten you.” Apparently we weren’t done with this topic.

  “You know what I mean. I’ve never…” I trailed off. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to admit it.

  “What? Said it before?” Her tone was one of curiosity, not disbelief. I walked into the kitchen.

  “No, yeah, I mean, I’ve said it before. Just not regularly. I mean, I haven’t been in a long term relationship where we both say-”

  “Zach, relax. This doesn’t have to change anything.” She had followed me into the kitchen. She hugged me from behind as I grabbed a glass from the cabinet above the sink. I was tense.

  “I know, I just, I mean, what now? I never said it to Amanda till the end, because I didn’t want to marry her.” I stopped short of finishing the thought. I thought of the ring, tucked safely in the back pocket of the cargo shorts I had worn that day, which were lying… where? I scanned the kitchen.

  “Now? I don’t know. Nothing has to change. I mean, I’ve only had one relationship before where I said it. And that ended… poorly.” I filled the glass with tap water. Zoey released me and crossed her arms. I sipped from the glass as I walked back to bed, Zoey close behind. I still hadn’t really looked her in the eye since I had said it.

  “Was that with...Ryan?” I looked over my shoulder at her as I got into bed. She flinched almost imperceptibly. I knew no one would have seen it except for me. I liked that. Not the flinch itself, but the intimacy that allowed me to see it.

  “Yes.” She seemed closed off. We had never really discussed our exes. She knew I had broken up with Amanda shortly before meeting her, but not much else. The only thing I knew about Ryan was that they had dated for almost four years.

  “What happened? We don’t have to talk about it. But you can tell me, if you want.” I wanted to seem comforting without being nosy. It was a difficult line to tiptoe. Zoey weighed my words.

  “He cheated on me.” She slid back under the comforter. I put the glass of water on the bedside table, next to my charging phone and too-thin wallet. I waited.

  “It… I…” she stopped. I moved closer to her. She scooched over to me and wrapped her arms around me. I rested my head on her head and stroked her upper arm. She spoke into my chest.

  “It wasn’t just once. The first time, we hadn’t said it yet. He said it would never happen again. He took me out that night and told me he loved me. I didn’t say it to him for several months after that. Finally, I trusted him again. I told him I loved him.” She sniffled, and I tried to see if she was going to cry. “The second time, which wasn’t actually the second time, I caught him. With one of my friends. We weren’t close, but she told me later that they had been sleeping together for months. Felt terrible about it, she said. I wish I had said something. But I just cried. I couldn’t look at her.”

  “That sucks,” I said. I was cautious. Saying the wrong thing could start a fight.

  “Yes, it does.” Her tone was bitter. “We had a long drawn out fight, aired all the dirty laundry any couple has after four years. He blamed me.”

  “What a dick.” Zoey barely even seemed to hear me.

  “For a long time, I thought he made some valid points. I blamed myself for not being there for him.” She looked up at me, tears welling up in her green eyes. I had never seen her cry before. “Isn’t that ridiculous? I was so weak. It took me a long time to get over him.” I stroked her hair.

  “You were young, it’s not your fault how you felt…” The pictures of Zoey and Ryan, that I had seen months ago when I Facebook-stalked her, came rushing back to me. How happy she had seemed. And it had all gone horribly wrong. Could that happen to us? I noticed my shorts with the ring in them by the door. Was there a bulge in the pocket? Or was I just imagining things?

  “It took me a long time to realize what a scumbag he was. And even longer to consider dating again. You are the first person I’ve trusted since him.” She said this slowly, watching me as she enunciated each word. And there it was. She was absolutely, completely vulnerable. She had given herself to me entirely. I vowed to never hurt her. Her vulnerability mirrored the feelings I had been developing for weeks, the scary yet tantalizing discovery that I wanted, no, I needed to tell her everything about me and wanted to know everything about her. I thought of Amanda, we were getting coffee soon, catching up.

  “I have to tell you something, it’s not a big deal.” I searched her eyes for answers, for the best phrasing.

  “What?” she seemed fearful.

  “I will never hurt you.” She relaxed, smiling a sad smile.

  “Yes, you will. We all hurt the people we love, no matter how hard we try not to.” I kissed her forcefully.

  “I’m meeting with Amanda soon.” I broke off the kiss and tried to power through my explanation as quickly as possible. “I needed a lawyer after, you know, and she works in a legal office and she set me up with a partner at her firm, and we got to talking, and I think it would be healthy if we caught up a little, we were very good friends, and it means nothing, and I don’t want you to worry-”

  “It’s okay, Zach, I get it.” She was trying to convince herself. “Thank you for telling me. It means a lot that you would do that.”

  “Whew. Good, I didn’t want that to be an issue. I love you.” It was out there, we could say it whenever we wanted. It wasn’t scary, it was freeing.

  “I love you. Now, let’s change to a happier subject.” She kissed me and pulled me onto her.

  “Okay,” I laughed and kissed her forehead. She whispered to me.

  “Do we have any condoms?”

  “Yeah, let me…” I leaned over to the bedside table.

  “Wait…” Zoey grabbed me as I turned away. “I’m actually, well, I’m on the pill.”

  “You are?” I remembered a similar conversation with Amanda, after a few weeks of dating. I knew where she was going. I kissed Zoey fiercely. She didn’t need to spell it out. We understood each other.

  * * *

  Amanda and I met a few weeks later at the Starbucks on West 4th. It was much less crowded now that NYU’s semester was over. I got there first and got my usual black coffee. Miranda wasn’t there. I was served by a tall black guy with long dreads and bad acne. I took a table in the corner, away from the wannabe writers and summer students typing away on their MacBooks. I watched the people pass by outside. A mother led her two young sons across the street to the park. They fought behind her, each trying to tear a plastic dinosaur away from the other. The sun was in my eyes, but I think it was a t-rex. The bell jingled, and I turned to the door. Amanda walked in. She looked like she had gained some muscle since I last saw her. She was wearing a grey pantsuit, and had her hair up in a bun. She smiled when she saw me. There was no line, and she quickly got her tea and a muffin and came over to join me.

  “I don’t have much time, I gotta get back to work soon.” She spoke as she walked over to the table. I stood up and hugged her. She wrapped her arms around me and I smelled her muffin. My stomach growled. I considered getting one for myself. She sat down across from me.

  “
That’s fine. How are you?” I genuinely wanted her to be happy. I had no ill will towards her whatsoever.

  “I’m doing okay, how are you? How are things working out with Jerry?” Jerry was the partner she had helped me hire from her office at a discounted rate.

  “It’s good. He thinks we’ll be able to plea down to just a fine. So, not too bad.” I took a sip of my coffee. It was still too hot.

  “Most expensive acid you ever had, I’d bet.” She took the wrapper off her muffin and bit into it. I laughed.

  “Yeah, probably.” I took the cover off my coffee. Steam rose from it. She looked me over.

  “How’s Zoey?” she asked, finally. I smiled. Any mention of her name brought a smile to my face.

  “She’s great. Everything is just so… so right. I don’t want to compare, but you know what our relationship was like those last few months. We had to work so hard. With Zoey, everything just fits.” I stopped talking. A flicker of a frown had crossed her face when I mentioned our time together. She seemed darker now, somehow. I regretted hurting her.

  “That’s, that’s wonderful Zach. I’m happy for you.” She took a sip of her tea. I looked out the window.

  “Listen, Amanda, I don’t know about you, but I think I’m ready to be friends again.” I turned to her. “We were great friends before we dated. I like you a lot. I’d like you to be a part of my life.” She didn’t react.

  “Zaaach…” She seemed reluctant to respond. I put the cover back on my coffee. “I think I’m still getting over the way we parted. Seeing you, it-”

  “The best way to get over however you feel is to hang out with your old friends again. Come out some night with us, like you used to, before everything. It’ll be like we’re at NYU again.” She stood up. She grabbed what was left of her muffin and her tea.

  “I should go, I need to get back to work.” She turned to leave.

  “Amanda.” She stopped but didn’t face me. “Just come out and spend one night with us, please. For the others, not even for me.” She looked at me. Her face seemed so much older than I remembered it.

  “Fine. I really do have to go now.” She left. I sat there, people-watching while I sipped my coffee until it was cold enough to drain in one gulp. As I left, I tossed my cup in the overflowing trash can. It bounced out. I wanted to keep walking, and I did for a few feet. But then I turned and went back. I carried the cup for a few blocks until I found a can that was only half full. I tossed the cup away.

  She met up with us a few weeks later at Brad’s. It was depressingly hot. A record day, they said. Everyone cheered when she sat down at our table. She blushed. She was wearing a summer dress and flats. She looked radiant. Zoey couldn’t make it, she had a lot of work at her new job. She told me she’d try to come over later. I knew that meant she almost certainly wouldn’t. Kevin and Randy ended up sitting next to her. I looked around the bar. I had been through a lot in the six years I had been coming here. I saw, for the first time, a time in the near future when I would no longer come here. I felt the ring in my back pocket. I had taken to carrying it around. I was afraid to leave it in my apartment. When Zoey got the munchies, she turned the whole place over, even the bathroom and the living room, looking for chips or jerky or other things to occupy her mouth. So I brought the ring around with me. I hadn’t showed it to anyone, hadn’t even hinted about it to Zoey. We had started saying “I love you” after my birthday party. I had never reached that place with a girl before. I told the group there that. Amanda got quiet. She was the first girl I had ever said that to and meant it, and we had broken up minutes later. I wondered if we’d ever be able to get back to where we had been before. Probably not.

  I got up and went to the bar without saying anything. There were two blond girls sitting at the bar. They turned and watched me expectantly. They wore torn-up tank tops and very short jean shorts. It was summer, after all. Their legs were tan and long. I wondered how Kevin and the guys would decide which one they liked better. They looked identical to me, though I knew they weren’t. I walked up to them. The girl on the right smiled, flashing her blue eyes and long lashes at me.

  “Excuse me,” I said. I was in between both of them.

  “Yes?” Blue eyes looked me up and down. I was wearing khaki shorts and a Pete Maravich jersey that Kevin had loaned me. We had gone to West 4th earlier to play some ball. I ended up just watching after my back started hurting. I had taken one shot and felt it. So I hadn’t bothered to change. Besides, who did I need to impress? Zoey wasn’t coming, and she had told me anyways that she didn’t care what I wore, she just wanted it off as soon as possible. So the jersey would be fine with her, if I ever saw her.

  “I’m just trying to get to the bar.” I asked the bartender for a pitcher of Dos Equis, the cheapest beer they had on tap. All about efficiency.

  “Oh.” Blue eyes noticed my Adidas flip flops. “Nice sandals.” She laughed.

  “Look, just because I’m not going to hit on you doesn’t mean you get to trash my outfit.” I paid for the pitcher and left before she could respond. I heard her whispering angrily to her friend. I was so sick of the bar scene. I was a full fledged stage two man. The ring moved as I sat down. I put down the pitcher and five cups. Kevin and Randy and Murph poured themselves beer. Louie was off with that goth chick, I still couldn’t remember her name.

  Amanda got a beer next. I took what was left of the pitcher and filled myself a cup. With the little remaining, I topped everyone off. Everyone made the requisite good hearted comments about what a great man I was for buying the first pitcher. I checked my phone. Nothing from Zoey.

  Time passed, drinks flowed, inhibitions dropped. We reminisced. Amanda, who had been so cold to me at the beginning of the night, was laughing at my ridiculous puns and corny anecdotes by the time we were a few pitchers in. We watched our single male friends hit on girls with little success. Randy left with a Puerto Rican girl who was wearing less clothing than I’d ever seen a girl wear in a bar. Her jean shorts barely covered her ass, and her shirt was nothing more than a bra with a little extra coverage of her cleavage. Randy made a face at me as he left. Can you believe how lucky I am? He asked non-verbally. His Juliet almost fell over. He carried her out the door. “Don’t rape her,” I wanted to call after him.

  “I can’t believe I used to hit on girls here.” Kevin and Amanda were sitting with me still, each sipping on a gin and tonic, courtesy of me. I had finished my last beer ten minutes or so earlier. Kevin got angry.

  “Oh, you’re so much better than us, now that you’re with Zoooey, is that it?” He burped. Amanda and I looked at him.

  “I think you’ve had too much, Kev.” I patted him on the back.

  “I’m fine I…Just want to take a nap.” He put his head down on the table.

  “Okay, bedtime. C’mon buddy, let’s go.” I got up and pulled him up by his armpits. He groaned. “I’m gonna take him home”, I said to Amanda. “Where’s Murph?” She pointed to the bar. He was making out with Blue Eyes.

  “I’ll come with you.” Amanda finished her drink quickly. I finished Kevin’s. He moaned and swung his hands at me. I put one of his arms around me and Amanda took the other. We carried him out of the bar.

  “I love you guys.” Kevin slurred as we stepped out into the humid July heat.

  “We know.” I hailed a cab. “I’m not going to carry him all the way back to midtown.” Kevin perked up when I opened the door.

  “I’m good,” he said. Standing straight up, he walked easily over to the cab and got in. “You guys don’t have to come all the way up to midtown with me. I’ll be fine.”

  Amanda and I shared a look. “Are you sure?” she asked. “It’s not a big deal.” Kevin shut the door and put his head out the window.

  “I’ll be fine. Why is it so fucking hot?”

  “Milk was a bad choice.” I told him. Amanda laughed. The cab pulled away. I stepped onto the curb, a little wobbly.

  “Steady, sailor,” Amanda grinned as sh
e placed her hand on the small of my back.

  “Shiiiit,” I said. “I’m drunk too.”

  “You wanna go back inside?” She looked at Brad’s with disdain.

  “No. I think I might be over Brad’s. I’m gonna go home and watch a movie or something while hoping Zoey comes over.” I started walking. Amanda didn’t move.

  “Are you going home?” I said. Our eyes locked.

  “I guess so. I’m that way too.” She started walking too.

  We walked in silence for a few blocks. One of us said something, I don’t remember what, that broke the tension. We were both pretty drunk. I sang Outkast and she pointed out that I was still tone-deaf.

  “Zoey didn’t fix your sense of pitch,” she said, somewhat bitterly. We had arrived at my apartment. “I’m so not tired. I feel like the night has just begun.”

  “Yeah,” I said, not really listening. I checked my phone again. Still nothing from Zoey. It was almost 1:00. “You wanna watch a movie or something?” The question hung in the air. We looked at each other. Sober Zach tried to protest, but he was shouted down.

  “Sure.”

  We went up to my apartment and argued over what to watch. We ended up flipping through the channels until we found Dodgeball was on. There was no debate, we had watched this movie together so many times before we just had to watch it again. I put the remote down and went to grab us some beers. We had both been sitting on the couch. When I returned, I took the recliner. We silently watched commercials. The movie came back on.

  “You got another one of these?” Amanda had finished her beer. I didn’t respond, my phone vibrated at the same time. Almost done, can come over in 30 or so. Should i? Sure, I texted back. I got up and took the empty from Amanda. I finished mine as well and threw both in the recycling bin by the fridge. I grabbed two more and popped mine open. I sat down on the couch just as Ben Stiller offered Vince Vaughn 50,000 dollars to throw the final match. I handed the beer to Amanda. She pulled the tab.

  “Cheers.” She tapped her beer against mine. Our hands touched. Her skin was cold and clammy. The room was unbearably hot. My brain soaked in a warm alcohol bath, and I knew if I shut my eyes I’d be asleep instantly.