Smoke and Mirrors: A Demented Sons MC Texas Novel

by Kristine Allen

  “Look. I don’t know what’s going on with you and Smoke, but he’s been an asshole all week,” he started, but I held up my hand to silence him.

  “There isn’t a damn thing going on between us. Besides, he’s an asshole. Now can I go see my daughter?” God, saying that tore me apart inside, and tears welled. Maybe from all the stress of the night—hell, the entire week. Maybe from saying that when it likely would never be something I’d be blessed with. Maybe from the fact that if things had been different, it might have been true.

  Not meeting his eyes, I blinked rapidly and defiantly jutted my chin out.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be a dick,” he said.

  “Whatever.” I sighed, suddenly drained. “Is it okay if I go in?”

  “Yeah,” he acknowledged.

  Brushing past him, I rushed to the side of the gurney she was on. There was a nurse in there checking something.

  “You’re Mom?” she asked with a kind smile.

  “Umm, yeah, sort of.” I stumbled over my words, trying not to cry.

  “Maddox explained you’re her stepmom. I get it. It’s okay.”

  Styx had been trying to help, but he had no idea how his lies ripped me apart.

  “Yeah,” I breathed out on a painful exhale.

  “I’ll have the doctor come back in to talk to you.” With another smile, she left the room. I turned to Mattie with my heart in my throat.

  She was so pale as she lay on the white sheets, her golden-red hair a tangled mess around her. My hand hesitated as I reached for her, then I smoothed back her tangled hair and caressed her soft cheek.

  “Oh, Mattie. What have you done?” I whispered. The little toddler I’d known wasn’t visible in the young woman lying there so still.

  Time escaped me as I held her hand.

  The doctor came in and pulled me from my memories. “Ms. Adams. Hi, I’m Dr. Thatcher.” Fuck, him calling me Ms. Adams was enough to make my stomach bottom out. He started to tell me what they’d found. He didn’t get far before we were interrupted.

  “What the actual hell is going on?” Grayson barged in the room looking all kinds of disheveled and gorgeous. His hair was sweaty and sticking up all over the place from God knew what. His T-shirt was inside out, and one jean leg was inside his boot. Yet he looked breathtaking.

  “I was just telling your wife about what we found,” the doctor said. Grayson’s head jerked back as if he’d been slapped. His eyes shot to mine and narrowed as the doctor explained they’d found multiple substances in her system, the least of which was alcohol.

  Every muscle in his body seemed to tense, and I was sure his jaw would crack from the pressure. His hands were fisted and his nostrils flared.

  “She was given Narcan, a reversing agent for the opiates, and we’d like to keep her overnight for observation, because it doesn’t work for the benzodiazepines she also ingested. Has she been depressed or mentioned wanting to hurt herself lately?” the doctor finally asked.

  “What?” Grayson shouted. My eyes darted to Mattie to see if he’d disturbed her, but she was still out. “Hell no, she hasn’t!”

  “Mr. Adams. Please, keep your voice down. We have other patients, and you’re disturbing them by yelling.” The doctor tried to calm him, but I could see it wasn’t overly successful.

  Without thinking, I reached over and grabbed his hand in mine. He immediately began to relax. Ruffing his fingers through his sweaty hair, he dropped his head for a moment before looking back to the doctor. “I’m sorry. I’m a little in shock right now. No. My daughter has been fine. A typical teenager, but she’s not acted depressed or suicidal.”

  “It’s understandable, Mr. Adams. I’ll leave you two with your daughter while I see how they’re coming on getting her a room. Do you have any other questions for me?”

  Grayson only shook his head.

  I did the same.

  As soon as the doctor exited the room, he released my hand. Immediately, I missed the warmth of his touch. He rounded on me.

  “You told them you were my wife?” His incredulous expression bordered on disgusted. It was like a dagger to my already demolished insides.

  Fighting my heartache with anger, I started to tell him off, but Styx stepped into the room and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Smoke. It was me. It was the only way they’d let her be in here.”

  He turned to his friend and brother. “My question is why? Why is she here with my daughter? My drugged-up and drunk daughter? Hmm? Someone want to explain that to me?”

  “I Don’t Love You”—My Chemical Romance

  I was losing my fucking mind. There was no other way to explain what was going on. My daughter had essentially overdosed.

  Oh, let me back up. After she’d made a form in the bed to look like she was sleeping and snuck out of the house. Though I was glad she was now safe, I was a mad motherfucker.

  “Grayson,” Nova began.

  Once again, I spun to face her and held up a finger. “No.” I was struggling for control, and I honestly didn’t know how much more I could take.

  Now, I had a brother in the hospital in a coma and my own fucking daughter in the hospital because she damn near killed herself. Whether it was intentional or not, I could’ve lost her.

  Now, that… that nearly brought me to my knees. My baby girl. The last living piece of Anna’s and my life together. My everything. I was literally shaking.

  What I didn’t understand was where Nova came into all of this. Of course, I realized she was probably on the verge of telling me, but I needed a minute.

  “Just give me a minute.” I was trying not to lose my shit.

  There was so much on my plate, I was starting to feel the strain.

  The woman in the room was fucking with my head and doing crazy-ass shit to my feelings. Feelings. What the actual fuck?

  One of my brothers had been run off the road. One was jumped and had yet to regain consciousness. We had more than we could handle at the shop. We’d been expecting a shipment of weed from our chapter in Colorado that had been delayed due to some crazy summer storms up in Dallas. Other clubs had been breathing down my neck about that. Now, my daughter.

  Fuck, Anna. Why didn’t you listen to me that day? I need you. This is something I could’ve used your help with.

  Speaking of which, I’d been having weird as hell dreams about her too. It was like even in sleep, I got no peace.

  Finally cooling down a little, I bit my lower lip and breathed deep. Then I stared at Nova. Really seeing her since I’d gotten there. Goddammit, she looked good. Even with mascara under her eyes from crying, she was beautiful. Her hair was in waves, she had on a lacy red top with skinny straps that made me wonder if she was wearing a bra, cut-off shorts, and some of those wedge-type shoes women were wearing with everything.

  Then I wondered if she’d been on a date with that fucker Torque. That thought set my teeth on edge. Flames of rage licked at my freshly calmed temper. The thing was, I didn’t know why.

  Obviously uncomfortable, she stood. “I’ll leave. Now that you’re here and I know she’s safe.”

  “You never said why you were here. How did you end up with my daughter, Nova?” I demanded.

  “She called me” was her tightly spoken answer.

  “She called you? How the hell did she even know who you are?” I ignored the hurt in her eyes at my incredulous outburst. “And how did she have your number?”

  “I’m not so sure you want me to answer that right now.” Her gaze flickered to Styx standing at my side.

  “You can speak in front of my brother,” I replied.

  Fire flashed in her eyes as she stepped closer to me. Her furious whisper lashed over me like a whip. “She was awake that morning.”

  “Fucking hell. Styx, can you give me a minute? And I need you to let everyone know what’s going on.”

  “Sure, Prez. I got you.” He stepped out of the room.

  After I knew he was gone, I ran a frustrated
hand over my face. “What did you tell her?”

  She gave Mattie a quick glance before she spoke. “Nothing. But she’d not stupid. It was the wee hours of the morning and I was searching for my phone and keys in your living room. I couldn’t find them because evidently she’d gotten up early and found them. It doesn’t take a genius, Grayson. A woman is crawling around your living room looking for shit? You’re in bed? It’s obvious I spent the night. Not that I admitted to it, but she knew.”

  “Fuck,” I muttered. That was exactly why I never brought women to the house. The last thing I wanted Mattie to see was women rotating through my bed.

  She turned her face away, staring at Mattie as she spoke softly. “Look, I know what you said that night about being casual, but I don’t think I can do that. Then, you were out of line at the restaurant. Toby and I have known each other a long time and he was there as a potential client, not as my date. Why he was set on riling you up, I have no idea. He wouldn’t say; he just thought it was funny. Since I didn’t hear from you all week, I can only assume you’ve had second thoughts too, or you allowed your misreading of Monday night to cloud your judgment. So let’s part ways as friends, and whatever our fucked-up past is can remain that—the past.”

  It was the weirdest thing. Her words actually hurt. Granted, hearing that her and Torque had been there in a business aspect made me feel pretty small. She was right, my behavior was out of line. Except that fucker had relished pissing me off, so I had thrown it back at him without thinking that she might be caught in the crossfire.

  Before I could say anything more, she stepped around me and left the room.

  “Everything okay, Prez?” Styx asked from behind me.

  “As good as it can be in my fucked-up world right now.”

  He cleared his throat. “You wanna talk about it?”

  “Fuck, no.”

  “Um, okay. Maybe I’m out of line, but can I ask what she is to you? Because she doesn’t seem like some random chick that you knew as a kid.” His brow rose and he crossed his arms over his chest.

  “Don’t you have work to do?” I asked in exasperation.

  He chuckled. “Nope. My last patient discharged while you were in here talking with your girl.”

  “She’s not my girl,” I argued.

  “Hmm, well if saying that makes you feel better about it.”

  “Look, she grew up next door to me. Homeschooled, kind of geeky, but nice. We were friends as little kids. She started up at the high school and didn’t really know anyone, so she would sometimes hang out with me. We ended up having a class together because I’d failed it the year before. That’s where I met Anna. Nova had become Anna’s friend and then she babysat Mattie when I was deployed after Anna died. That’s it. Nothing more to tell.” The words rolled out as if it was all no big deal, but even to my own ears it sounded hollow.

  “That’s it, huh? So she babysat your kid and was best friends with your dead wife but you quit talking to her?” He gave me a disbelieving look.

  “When you came back from combat were you the same person you were when you left?” I asked him.

  “Unlikely” was his brief reply.

  “Well, me either. That first rotation in Iraq was brutal. Add to that my wife being killed right in front of me. The last thing I wanted was a bunch of people feeling sorry for me. I’m not proud of the fact that I was fucked-up for a while. I lost myself in my career and deployments. It’s what kept me going when it should’ve been my daughter. Before my last deployment, she,” I pointed to my sleeping daughter, “cried and begged me not to go and die like her momma had—and I couldn’t do it anymore. I realized I’d wasted so much time with her. So after I made it home by the skin of my teeth, I got out. Since I’d been stationed at Fort Hood, I stuck around here. I wasn’t prepared to go home where I’d have to face all the memories of Anna that home held. Nova was part of those memories.”

  “Jesus, boss, I didn’t know.”

  Tired beyond belief, I dropped to the chair Nova had vacated. It was still slightly warm from where she’d been. Resting my elbows on my knees, I hung my head. “That’s because I don’t talk about my shit.”

  “So where does Nova fit in all of this now?” he prodded.

  “I don’t fucking know.” It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but I didn’t care—it was the only one I had.

  They finally got Mattie a room, and I said goodbye to Styx.

  “I’ll swing by to see you before I leave in the morning,” he said as we were rolling out of the ER.

  It didn’t take them long to get Mattie situated. She briefly woke up as they transferred her to the bed, but she was still groggy and heavy-lidded.

  “Dad?” she croaked out.

  “I’m here, baby.” I held her hand as the nurses got her settled.

  They left with instructions to use the call button if she needed anything.

  “Nova?” she mumbled.

  “She had to leave.”

  “Sorry I fucked up, Dad.” It was barely a whisper, and even though she’d cussed, it nearly brought tears to my eyes.

  “Sweetheart, that’s part of growing up. I wish you’d made a different choice, but at least you knew when to call out for help. Before shit got worse. I love you, Mattie.”

  “Love you too, Dad.” She sighed as her eyes grew heavy.

  Once she drifted off again, I decided to take a quick shower then try to get some sleep. Though I’d put on clean clothes after getting the call, I stunk to high heavens.

  I went out to the nurses’ station to get some towels and soap from them. Once in the tiny shower, I rested my head on the cool tiled wall and let the hot water run over me. It was times like that when I questioned my ability to be an effective president to the Demented Sons as well as a father. I wondered whether one was counterproductive to the other.

  The problem was, most of the guys were a lot younger than me, and I didn’t know if any of them would be ready for it. Straight was the closest to my age and experience level, but I didn’t know if he’d want the position if I stepped down. Hell, he’d been reluctant to be VP, but I’d needed his experience to keep us strong.

  As I stood there with water sluicing over my shoulders, I lost myself to the spinning vortex of my thoughts. What stopped it all was Nova.

  Anytime I thought of her, it either calmed me or spun me up into a twister of emotion. It was the damnedest thing.

  I’d been a real prick when I’d seen her with Torque, and it hit me that I’d been jealous. Which meant I had fucking feelings involved in the situation. How could I have feelings for Nova?

  She’d been Anna’s friend. But she’d been my friend too. Did it mean I didn’t love Anna anymore? I didn’t like to think that was the case. Was it possible to care about two people like that? I’d fought against getting involved with anyone for years, because it had seemed like a betrayal to Anna’s memory.

  Maybe there was room in the heart for more than one love.

  Except I had to wonder if it was fair to bring Nova into my life when I had all this shit going on. It had me wondering if I was putting her in harm’s way. Not to mention, the club operated a little on the wrong side of the law and she was an attorney.

  Pushing off the wall, I washed, then dried myself and dressed again.

  I made myself as comfortable as I could on the couch. It folded out to a single bed, but I was a big guy. Hell, I hadn’t slept on a twin bed since the army. Thankfully, the army had also taught me to sleep where I could.

  As I slept, I dreamed of Anna again.

  “Hey, Gray.” Her strawberry-blonde hair blew in a breeze.

  “Anna.” She gave a soft smile before I pulled her small frame into my embrace. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I know you have, Gray. But you’re doing a great job with our girl.”

  “No, I’m not. Look what happened.” I waited for disappointment to fill her eyes.

  “Gray, stop. You had no control over that. She’s
growing up, and she’s bound to make mistakes. You’ve taught her what you could, and now it’s time for her to either abide by what you’ve taught her or learn the hard way. There’s only so much you can do.”

  “But what if she makes the wrong choices?”

  She shook her head with a smile. “I’m sure she will, but she’s going to be okay. It’s you I worry about.”

  “Me?” I scoffed.

  “Yes, Gray, you. It’s been sixteen years. You need to let me go. It’s time for you to move on. She’s been waiting for you. Even when she didn’t realize she was.”

  “She? She who?”

  “You know” was her mysterious reply.

  “Oh, Anna,” I murmured. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

  She looked longingly over her shoulder. “If you don’t let me go, I can’t move on. You have things to do, but you can’t do them as long as you’re hanging on to me. I’ll always be with you and Mattie, but you’ve kept me tethered.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, but the rest of it continued to blow into her face. “It’s time, Gray.”

  My heart ached at letting her go. I hadn’t been ready sixteen years ago, and I wasn’t sure I was ready now.

  Like she could read my mind, she said, “You’re ready. And just because you let someone else in doesn’t mean you have to forget about me. There’s room in here for so much love.” She pressed a hand to my chest. “But you have to open it to let her in.”

  “I love you, Anna,” I cried, wanting to drop to my knees.

  “And I will always love you. Now quit being stubborn.” She looked over her shoulder again and nodded, then focused her attention on me. “I have to go. More than anything, I want you to be happy, Gray. Take the step, be the man she needs. Tell her I love her too.”

  I thought she meant Mattie. “She’s your baby girl, I tell her all the time how proud you’d be and how much you love her, and she loves you.”

  Her laughter tinkled through the white air. “Of course I love Mattie. But that’s not who I was talking about.”

  Confused, but beginning to have an idea of who she was referring to, my brow furrowed.