Lucky You

by Carl Hiassen

  Sinclair reread the memorandum half a dozen times. It was an adroit piece of management sophistry – casting doubt on an employee's mental stability while simultaneously portraying oneself as the loyal, yet deeply worried, supervisor.

  Perhaps Sinclair wouldn't need the fable to bail himself out. Perhaps Tom Krome simply would forget about the nutty Lotto woman and return to work at The Register,as if nothing had happened.

  But Sinclair doubted it. What little he could read of his own wormlike scribbles made his stomach churn.

  Bermuda?

  Chub couldn't decide where to stash the stolen lottery ticket – few hiding places were as ingenious as Bode Gazzer's condom. At first Chub tucked the prize inside one of his shoes; by nightfall it was sodden with perspiration. Bode warned him that the lottery bureau wouldn't cash the ticket if it was "defaced," a legal term Bode broadly interpreted to include wet and stinky. Dutifully Chub relocated the ticket in the box of hollowpoints that he carried with him at all times. Again Bode Gazzer objected. He pointed out that if Chub got trapped in a fire, the ammunition would explode in his trousers and the Lotto numbers would be destroyed.

  The only other idea that occurred to Chub was a trick he'd seen in some foreign prison movie, where the inmate hero kept a secret diary hidden up his butthole. The guy scribbled everything in ant-sized letters on chewing gum wrappers, which he folded into tiny squares and stuck in his ass, so the prison guards wouldn't get wise. Given Bode's low regard for Chub's personal hygiene, Chub was fairly sure his partner would object to the butthole scheme. He was right.

  "What if first I wrap it in foil?" Chub offered.

  "I don't care if you pack it in fucking kryptonite, that lottery ticket ain't goin' up your ass."

  Instead they attached it with a jumbo Band-Aid to Chub's right outer thigh, a hairless quadrant that (Bode conceded) seemed relatively untainted by Chub's potent sweat. Bode firmly counseled Chub to remove the Lotto-ticket bandage when, and if, he ever felt like bathing.

  Chub didn't appreciate the insult, and said so. "You don't watch your mouth," he warned Bode Gazzer, "I'm gone do somethin' so awful to your precious truck, you'll need one a them moonsuits to go anywheres near it."

  "Jesus, take it easy."

  Later they went to the 7-Eleven for their customary breakfast of Orange Crush and Dolly Madisons. Bode swiped a newspaper and searched it for a mention of the Lotto robbery in Grange. He was relieved to find nothing. Chub declared himself in a mood for shooting, so they stopped by Bode's apartment to grab the AR-I5 and a case of beer, and headed south down the Eighteen-Mile Stretch. They turned off on a gravel road that led to a small rock-pit lake, not far from a prison camp where Bode had once spent four months. At the rock pit they came upon a group of clean-shaven men wearing holsters and ear protectors. From the type of vehicles at the scene – late-model Cherokees, Explorers, Land Cruisers – and the orderliness with which they'd been parked, Bode concluded the shooters were suburban husbands brushing up on home-defense skills.

  The men stood side by side, firing pistols and semiautomatics at paper silhouettes just like the ones cops used. Bode was disquieted to observe among the group a Negro, one or two possible Cubans, and a wiry bald fellow who was almost certainly Jewish.

  "We gotta go. This place ain't secure." Bode, speaking in his role as militia leader.

  Chub said, "You jest watch." He peeled off his eye patch and sauntered to the firing line. There he nonchalantly raised the AR-I5 and, in a few deafening seconds, reduced all the paper targets to confetti. Then, for good measure, he opened up on a stray buzzard that was flying no less than a thousand feet straight up in the sky. Without a word, the husbands put away their handguns and departed. A few drove off without removing their ear cups, a sight that gave Bodean Gazzer a good laugh.

  Chub went through a half dozen clips before he got bored and offered the rifle to Bode, who declined to shoot. The blasts of gunfire had reignited the killer migraine from Bode's morning hangover, and now all he craved was silence. He and Chub sat down at the edge of the lake and worked on the beer.

  After a while, Chub asked, "So when can we cash out our tickets?"

  "Pretty soon. But we gotta be careful."

  "That nigger girl, she ain't gonna say a word."

  "Probably not," Bode said. Yet, thinking back on the beating, he recalled that the Lucks woman never seemed as scared as she should've been. Mad as a hornet, for sure, and crying like a baby when Chub shot her turtle – but there was no quivering animal panic from the woman, despite all the pain. They'd worked extra hard to make her think they'd return to murder her if she didn't keep quiet. Bode hoped she believed it. He hoped she cared.

  Chub said, "Let's tomorrow me and you go straight up to Tal'hassee and git our money."

  Bode laughed sourly. "You checked in the mirror lately?"

  "Tell 'em we's in a car accident."

  "With what – bobcats?"

  "Anyways, they gotta pay us no matter how bad we look. We had leprosy, the motherfuckers still gotta pay us."

  Patiently Bode Gazzer explained how suspicious it would be for two best friends to claim equal shares of the same Lotto jackpot, with tickets purchased three hundred miles apart.

  "It's better," Bode said, "if we don't know each other. We ain't never met, you and me, far as the lottery bureau is concerned."

  " 'K."

  "Anybody asks, I bought my fourteen-million-dollar ticket in Florida City, you got yours in Grange. And we never once laid eyes on each other before."

  "No problem," Chub said.

  "And listen here, we can't show up in Tallahassee together. One of us goes on a Tuesday, the other one maybe a week later. Just to play it safe."

  "Then afterwards," said Chub, "we put the money all together."

  "You got it."

  Chub did the arithmetic aloud. "If those first checks is seven hundred grand, times two is like one million four hunnert thousand bucks."

  Bodean Gazzer said, "Before taxes, don't forget." It felt like his skull was cleaving down the middle, an agony made worse by his partner's greasy persistence.

  "But what I wanna ast," Chub said, "is who goes first. Cashes out, I mean."

  "Difference does it make?"

  "I guess none."

  They got in the truck and headed down the gravel road toward the Stretch. Chub stared out the window as Bode went on: "I don't like the wait no better'n you. Sooner we get the cash, sooner we get the White Clarion Aryans together. Start serious recruitment. Build us a bomb shelter and whatnot."

  Chub lit a cigaret. "So meantime what do we do for money?"

  "Good question," Bode Gazzer said. "I wonder if the Negro girl's canceled out her credit card yet."

  "Likely so."

  "One way to find out."

  Chub blew a smoke ring. "I s'pose."

  "We're down to a quarter tank," Bode said. "Tell you what. The Shell station up the highway, let's try the self-serve pump. If it spits her Visa, we'll take off."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yeah. No harm done."

  Chub said, "And if it takes the card?"

  "Then we're golden for one more day."

  "Sounds good to me." Chub dragged contentedly. Already he was daydreaming about barbecued chicken wings and a certain blond-haired beauty in satiny orange shorts.

  The bank's computer indicated JoLayne's Visa card hadn't been used since the previous afternoon at Hooters.

  "Now what?" she asked, waving the receiver.

  "Order a pizza," said Tom Krome, "and wait for them to get stupid again."

  "What if they don't?"

  "They will," he said. "They can't resist."

  The pizza was vegetarian, delivered cold. They ate it anyway. Afterwards JoLayne stretched out on her back, locked her arms behind her neck and bent her knees.

  "Sit-ups?" Tom Krome asked.

  "Crunches," she said. "Wanna help?"

  He knelt on the floor and held her ankles. JoLayne winked and sa
id, "You've done this before."

  He counted along in his head. After a hundred easy ones, she closed her eyes tight and did a hundred more. He gave her a minute to rest, then said: "That was a little scary."

  JoLayne winced as she sat up. She pressed her knuckles to her tummy and said, "Bastards really did a job on me. Normally I can do three-fifty or four."

  "I think you should take it easy."

  "Your turn," she said.

  "JoLayne, please."

  Then suddenly Krome was on his back, except she wasn't holding his ankles as a proper sit-up partner would do. Instead she was straddling his chest, pinning his arms.

  "Know what I was thinking?" she said. "About what you said earlier, how white or black doesn't matter."

  "Weren't we talking about dreams and horses?"

  "Maybe youwere."

  Deliberately Tom Krome went limp. His goal was to minimize the frontal contact, which was indescribably wonderful. He was also trying to think of a distraction, something to make his blood go cold. Sinclair's face was an obvious choice, but Krome couldn't summon it.

  JoLayne was saying, "It's important we should have this discussion ... "

  "Later."

  "So it doesmatter. White and black."

  "JoLayne?"

  Now she was nose-to-nose and pressing her body down harder. "Tom, you tell me the truth."

  He turned his head away. Total limpness was no longer sustainable.

  "Tom?"

  "What."

  "Are you mistaking this moment for some kind of clumsy seduction?"

  "Call me crazy."

  JoLayne pulled away. By the time he sat up, she was perched on the bed, cutting him a look. "Back in the shower for you!"

  "I thought we had a professional relationship," he said. "I'm the reporter, you're the story."

  "So you're the only one who gets to ask questions? That's really fair."

  "Ask away, but no more wrestling." Krome, thinking: What a handful she is.

  JoLayne cuffed him. "OK, how many black friends do you have? I mean friendfriends."

  "I don't have many close friends of any color. I am not what you'd call gregarious."

  "Ah."

  "There's a black guy at work – Daniel, from Editorial. We play tennis every now and then. And Jim and Jeannie, they're lawyers. We get together for dinner."

  "That's your answer?"

  Krome caved. "OK, the answer is none. Zero black friendfriends."

  "Just like I thought."

  "But I'm working on it."

  "Yes, you are," said JoLayne. "Let's go for a ride."

  9

  JoLayne's friend was twenty minutes late, the longest twenty minutes of Tom Krome's life. They were waiting at a bar called Shiloh's in Liberty City. JoLayne Lucks was drinking ginger ale and munching on beer nuts. She wore a big floppy hat and round peach-tinted sunglasses. It didn't matter what Tom Krome was wearing; he was the only white person there. Several patrons remarked upon the fact, and not in a welcoming tone.

  JoLayne told him to put his notebook on the bar and start writing. "So you look official."

  "Good idea," Krome said, "except I left it back in the room."

  JoLayne clicked her tongue. "You men, you'd forget your weenies if they weren't glued on."

  A gangly transvestite in a fantastic chromium wig approached Krome and offered to blow him for forty dollars.

  Krome said, "No, thanks, I've got a date."

  "Then I do her fo' free."

  "Tempting," said JoLayne, "but I think we'll pass."

  With a bony hand, the transvestite gripped one of Krome's legs. "Dolly don't take no for an answer. And Dolly gots a blade in her purse."

  JoLayne leaned close to Krome and whispered: "Give him a twenty."

  "Not a chance."

  "Speak up now," said the Dolly person. Ridiculous fake fingernails dug into Krome's calf. "Come on, big man, let's go out to yo' cah. Bring the fancy lady if you wants."

  Krome said, "I like that dress – didn't you used to be on Shindig?"The transvestite gave a bronchial laugh and squeezed harder. "Dolly's gettin' the boy 'cited."

  "No, just annoyed."

  To unfasten the Dolly person's hand from his knee, Krome twisted the thumb clockwise until it came out of the socket. The popping sound silenced the bar. JoLayne Lucks was impressed. She'd have to find out where he'd learned such a thing.

  Dropping to his knees, the transvestite prostitute shrieked and pawed at himself with his crooked digit. Lurching to avenge his honor were two babbling crackheads, each armed with gleaming cutlery. They began to argue about who should get to stab the white boy first, and how many times. It was a superb moment for JoLayne's friend to show up, and his arrival cleared the scene. The Dolly person shed a spiked pump during his scamper out the door.

  The name of JoLayne's friend was Moffitt, and he made no inquiries about the crackheads or the yowling robber. Moffitt was built like a middleweight and dressed like an expensive lawyer. His gray suit was finely tailored and his checkered necktie was silk. He wore thin-rimmed eyeglasses with round conservative frames, and carried a small cellular telephone. He greeted JoLayne with a hug but scarcely nodded at Tom Krome.

  The bartender brought Moffitt a Diet Coke and a bowl of pitted olives. He popped one in his mouth and asked JoLayne to remove her sunglasses.

  After examining her face, he turned to Krome: "She gave me one version over the phone, but I want to hear yours – did you do this to her?"

  "No."

  "Because if I find out otherwise, you're going on an ambulance ride – "

  "I didn't do it."

  " – possibly in a bag."

  JoLayne said, "Moffitt, it wasn't him."

  They moved to a booth. Moffitt asked for a card, and Krome got one from his billfold. Moffitt remarked that he'd never heard of The Register.JoLayne told him to lighten up.

  Moffitt said, "Sorry. I don't trust anyone in the media."

  "Well, I'm stunned," said Krome. "We're so accustomed to being adored and admired."

  Moffitt didn't crack a smile. To JoLayne he said: "What's your plan, Jo? What do you need from me?"

  "Help. And don't tell me to go to the cops because if I do, I'll never get my Lotto ticket back."

  Impassively Moffitt agreed. His cell phone rang. He turned it off. "I'll do what I can," he said.

  JoLayne turned to Krome. "We've known each other since kindergarten. He takes a personal interest in my well-being, and I do the same for him."

  "Don't lie to the man. I'm lucky to get a Christmas card." Moffitt tapped his knuckles on the table. "Tell me about the guys who did this."

  "Rednecks," JoLayne said, "red-to-the-bone rednecks. They called me, among other things, a rotten nigger slut."

  "Nice." Moffitt spoke in a tight voice. When he reached for his Coke, Krome noticed the bulge under his left arm.

  JoLayne said: "We're following them."

  "Following." Moffitt looked skeptical. "How?"

  "Her credit card," Krome explained. "They're burning a trail."

  Moffitt seemed encouraged. He took out a gold Cross pen and reached for a stack of cocktail napkins. In small precise script he took down the details JoLayne gave him – the purchase of the lottery ticket, how she'd met Tom Krome, the break-in, the beating, the red pickup truck, the missing video from the Grab N'Go. By the time she finished, Moffitt had filled both sides of three napkins, which he folded neatly and tucked into an inside suit pocket.

  Tom Krome said, "Now I've got a question."

  JoLayne nudged him and said not to bother. Moffitt shifted impatiently.

  "Who do you work for?" Krome said. "What do you do?"

  "Use your imagination," Moffitt told him. Then, to JoLayne: "Call me in a day or two, but not at the office."

  Then he got up and left. The bar stayed quiet; no sign of Dolly or his pals.

  Fondly JoLayne said: "Poor Moffitt – I give him fits. And he's such a worrier."

&nb
sp; "That would explain the gun," said Krome.

  "Oh, that. He works for the government."

  "Doing what?"

  "I'll let him tell you," JoLayne said, sliding out of the booth. "I'm hungry again, how about you?"

  Amber's boyfriend was named Tony. He'd been on her case to quit her job, until she made first alternate for Miss September in the Hooters Girl Calendar. After that Tony came to the restaurant three or four times a week, he was so proud. The more beers he drank, the louder he'd brag on Amber. This, she understood, was his suave way of letting the customers know she was spoken for.

  Several months earlier, the Hooters people had asked Amber and three other waitresses to pose for a promotional poster, which was to be given away free to horny college guys on Fort Lauderdale beach. When Amber told Tony about the poster, he immediately joined a gym and began injecting steroids. In ten months he gained thirty-two pounds and developed such an igneous strain of acne across both shoulders that Amber forbade him to wear tank tops.

  Initially she'd been flattered by Tony's surprise appearances at the restaurant, particularly since the other waitresses thought he was so handsome – quite the hunk! Amber never let on that Tony couldn't keep a job, mooched shamelessly off his parents, hadn't finished a book since tenth grade and wasn't all that great in the sack. And ever since he'd started the workout binge, he'd become moody and rough. One time he'd dragged her dripping wet from the shower to the bed, by her hair. She'd considered leaving him, but nothing better had presented itself. Tony didlook good (at least in a sleeved shirt), and in Amber's world that counted for something.

  Yet she wished he'd stop dropping in at work. His presence was not only distracting, it was a drain on her income. Amber had been keeping track: Whenever Tony was there, her tips fell off by as much as a third. Therefore the sight of her hulked-out sweetheart swaggering through the door on this particular Wednesday evening – Wednesday already being a slow night, tipwise – failed to evoke in the alternate Miss September either gladness or affection. The frisky ambience of Hooters brought out Tony's demonstrative side, and at every opportunity he intercepted his tray-laden princess with an indiscreet hug, smooch or pat on the ass.