If Ever I Fall

by S. D. Robertson

  ‘What about in the pub? You said we met there.’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘And? How do I buy drinks?’

  ‘You don’t. We only go occasionally and, when we do, I pay. That’s also part of the deal.’

  ‘Really. What about the first time?’

  ‘Yes, you probably bought some drinks then. It was a while ago. I can’t remember the ins and outs. Listen, what are you getting at? Are you trying to suggest I’ve stolen your wallet?’

  The thought has crossed my mind, but I don’t want him to know that. Not at this stage. ‘No, don’t be stupid. It seems strange I don’t have one, that’s all. I thought it might give me some more information about myself.’

  ‘You seem very suspicious today, Jack. I appreciate how frustrating your amnesia must be, but remember, I’m not your enemy. All I’m trying to do is help you.’

  I nod, as if in agreement, but the truth is I don’t know what to believe. How can I when my whole life is a void? I’ve no frame of reference for anything.

  Did I imagine the woman in red? That’s certainly the simplest explanation. And yet she seemed so real. My head’s a mess. Nothing makes any sense. I need help – and I’m not sure Miles is the best person to provide it.

  CHAPTER 6

  Thursday, 6 April 2017

  Dear Sam,

  Back again, as promised. So I was telling you how Rick and I had picked up the girls from school together, wasn’t I?

  We agreed that Rick would follow me back home in his car – a white Mercedes. Ruby and Anna wanted to travel together, so I said they could ride in the back with me. Bad decision, as it turned out. Their chatter combined with my giddy feelings about Rick meant I wasn’t paying as much attention as I should have been. Next thing I knew, I was slamming my foot on the brake to avoid a boy who darted into the road after his football. Luckily I didn’t hit him and Rick stopped short of rear-ending me, thus avoiding a total disaster. But it was a close call and Anna started crying.

  ‘Are you all right, love?’ I asked her, after taking a deep breath to stop myself from swearing. ‘I’m really sorry about that.’

  She shook her head and pointed to her tongue.

  ‘Eww, it’s bleeding,’ Ruby said, helpfully, causing Anna to cry even more.

  ‘Oh dear,’ I said, leaning into the back of the car. ‘Let’s have a look.’

  Anna pushed her tongue out like it was the most painful thing in the world; as if it might fall off at any minute.

  ‘Yes, it is bleeding a little,’ I told her. ‘You must have caught it with your teeth. Don’t worry. It’ll be all right in no time. Things heal really quickly inside your mouth.’

  She stared at me in disbelief through her red, tear-soaked eyes. I guessed she wanted her dad, but knowing we’d be at the house in a couple of minutes, I thought it best to keep on going. I ran my right forefinger under her chin and gave her a reassuring smile. ‘When we get home, I’ll give you a special drink to make it better.’

  I could see Rick in his car behind us, wondering what was going on, so I gave him a wave and mouthed that it was okay. He nodded back at me and then, all of a sudden, he jerked violently in his seat and his car bunny-hopped forward, stopping just short of my bumper. He was out of there in a flash, racing towards the rear of his Mercedes to see the damage. Some idiot had gone into the back of him. Goodness knows how, when he’d been at a standstill for the last couple of minutes.

  I pulled my Golf into the side of the road. Instructing Ruby to look after Anna, who was still too upset about her tongue to work out what had happened, I waited until Rick was done talking to the other driver. Then I locked the girls in the car for a minute and walked across to see if I could help.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I asked Rick. He nodded, explaining that the other driver – a woman picking up her grandchild from school in a small Citroen – had been profusely apologetic. Both cars were visibly damaged but still drivable; he wasn’t unduly concerned.

  ‘Give me a second to write down my details for her,’ he said.

  ‘I feel awful,’ I replied. ‘If I’d not had to stop like I did, none of this would have happened. A boy ran out into the road and I almost hit him. Not that you’d have thought it from his reaction. He raced off like it was nothing.’

  ‘I know. I saw. Don’t worry about it. What else could you have done? Listen, I’m not bothered about the damage to the car. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed and the insurance will be straightforward because she went into the back of me. I wasn’t even moving. How are the girls?’

  ‘Anna’s a little upset. She bit her tongue when I braked, but it’s only a small cut. It’ll heal in no time. Ruby’s watching over her.’

  ‘Really? Oh dear. Do you mind waiting with my car for a minute while I check on her?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  I handed him my keys and he nipped over to have a few words and a quick cuddle with Anna.

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, flashing me a grin on his return. ‘It looks like she’ll live.’

  I offered to make Anna a saltwater rinse when we got home, but she declined. Her injury was soon forgotten once she and Ruby disappeared upstairs to play.

  ‘Cup of tea?’ I asked Rick. ‘Or do you need something stronger?’

  He laughed. ‘Tea would be great. Nice place you have here, by the way.’

  Honestly, Sam, I couldn’t believe how relaxed he was about the whole thing with his car. I’d have been in a right state if it was me. After I apologised again and he brushed it off, we barely talked about that any more. Despite it all, we ended up having a really good chat. It was the first time in ages I’d had a proper one-to-one with anyone, never mind a gorgeous man. He had this intense way of talking to me with his eyes fixed on mine the whole time, like he really cared about what I had to say. It’s been a while since I’ve felt as though anyone cared.

  Not that I told him much. Certainly nothing about you. It didn’t feel right at this stage. That was probably why his intensity surprised me, as neither of us went that deep into our lives. It was all superficial stuff about the school and what it’s like bringing up a daughter; bits and bobs about the neighbourhood and TV programmes we’ve enjoyed. It was clear that we both live on our own with our kids, but for some reason neither of us went into specifics. Maybe we’d have got there eventually. But then Ruby broke her arm.

  Yes, you heard me right. She and Anna were playing some game that involved them sliding down the stairs and Ruby ended up tripping and falling from top to bottom. I’d not realised what they were doing until then. Otherwise I’d have stopped them. But there was no ignoring the awful thumping sound she made on the way down. Nor the piercing scream that followed once her bone snapped.

  She was lying in a heap in the hallway when I found her, Rick and I having raced through from the kitchen. Her skin had turned a deathly pallor somewhere between grey and white and she was shaking. I’m glad it turned out just to be her arm, to be honest. My first impression was that it could be much worse.

  ‘Oh my God,’ I found myself shouting, panic rising in my chest. ‘What on earth’s going on?’

  Anna, who was looking down from the top of the stairs in terror, burst into tears again. Then I snapped into action and focused on how best to help my daughter.

  Rick, I have to say, was useless at this point, which surprised me. Rather than helping, he beckoned Anna downstairs and pulled her to one side, looking queasy. Some people aren’t good with that kind of thing, I suppose. It wasn’t like there was blood all over the place, but Ruby’s right arm – thank goodness she’s left-handed – was very obviously broken. It was bent all out of shape between the wrist and the elbow. I was going to pieces inside, believe me, but somehow I found the strength to keep on going. There was no time to be squeamish. No time to over-think things and let that hyperactive brain of mine find some way to cripple me. My daughter needed me. Your maternal instinct kicks in at these moments and you do whatever�
��s required.

  I knew I had to get her to A&E as soon as possible. Rick offered to come, but I could tell he didn’t really want to. Squeamish folk don’t tend to be big hospital fans. ‘No, no,’ I told him as I tried to calm Ruby down and get her into the car. ‘There’s really no need. We’ll be stuck there for hours. You’ve already had enough hassle today.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes. You get Anna home.’

  ‘We’ve not had the best afternoon, have we?’

  I gave him a pursed smile, willing him to go, so I could concentrate on my daughter. ‘Not really.’

  ‘Never mind. There’s always next time.’

  ‘Sure.’

  Anyhow, we went to hospital and, as predicted, it took ages. You can understand now, Sam, why I didn’t find time to write to you yesterday. I—

  Got to go. Ruby’s calling. Write tomorrow.

  Love as always,

  M

  Xx

  CHAPTER 7

  BEFORE

  Wednesday, 5 April 2017

  The phone on Dan’s desk rang, jangling loudly through the newsroom.

  He looked at the clock: 5.45 p.m. Shit.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Hello, Dan. It’s Susan on reception. I’m sorry to bother you when you’re on deadline. It’s your wife. She says it’s urgent.’

  He felt like correcting her and saying ‘ex-wife’, although technically that wasn’t the case. They were still married, but only on paper. Why was she calling him now? Better than a last-minute story coming through, which was what he’d feared, but not by much. It was never good news when she called these days.

  ‘You’d better put her through,’ he told Susan.

  ‘Right. Here she is.’

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘It’s Maria.’

  ‘I know. What can I do for you?’

  ‘There’s been an accident. I’m at A&E with Ruby.’

  That got his attention. ‘What? Is she all right?’

  ‘Not really. She’s broken her arm.’

  ‘You’re joking. How?’

  ‘She fell down the stairs. She was playing with a friend.’

  ‘Bloody hell, Maria. How bad is it?’

  ‘I’m not a doctor, Dan. All I know so far is that the arm’s broken.’

  Why did she always have to be so offhand with him? Dan wondered. His eyes drifted from the keypad of the desk phone to a half-finished mug of coffee that had long since gone cold. ‘Trust me, I’m a journalist!’ was printed on the side – a gift from Maria back in the good old days.

  ‘Which hospital are you at?’ he asked.

  ‘St Joseph’s. We only got here about half an hour ago. We’ll be ages yet.’

  ‘Can I talk to her?’

  ‘Hold on.’

  There was a pause as Maria spoke to Ruby. All Dan could hear was a hospital announcement in the background.

  ‘She doesn’t want to,’ Maria said a moment later. ‘She’s in a lot of pain.’

  ‘Oh. Listen, I’d come to the hospital, but—’

  ‘But what?’

  ‘It’s Wednesday, Maria.’

  She knew full well what that meant: deadline night for all three of his papers. But she was clearly in no mood for cutting him any slack.

  ‘Of course. Work comes first. What was I thinking?’

  ‘Don’t be like that. I’ll get out of here as soon as I can, but you know how it is. You said yourself there’s nothing to do but wait.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Thanks for letting me know.’

  ‘You’re her father.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Dan sighed. ‘Listen, I’ll call you in a bit when I’m done. See where you’re up to.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  ‘Come on, Maria. Don’t be like that. Are you sure she won’t speak to me?’

  ‘I have to go. Someone’s coming over.’

  ‘Wait … Hello?’ Damn. She’d hung up on him. Most of their phone calls seemed to end that way nowadays. Being separated was hard work – especially when a child was involved.

  Was it unreasonable of him not to down tools and race over to the hospital immediately? Was that what most fathers would do? Probably, but he was so bloody busy. He found it so tough to strike the right balance with Ruby. The temptation, of course, was to wrap her up in cotton wool; do everything to keep her safe; pander to her every need. That was Maria’s way, but Dan knew it would only make Ruby more vulnerable in the long run. Wouldn’t they be better preparing her for the harsh realities she’d face later in life? Wasn’t that the best way to—

  ‘Smoke?’

  He looked up to see Maurice standing next to his desk, a freshly rolled cigarette tucked behind one ear. There was a smile stretched across his ruddy face and he looked as laid-back as ever.

  ‘I’ve even got my own today,’ he said.

  ‘So I see.’

  ‘I can roll one for you too, if you like. Might as well take advantage while I have some baccy.’

  ‘No, thanks. I’ll stick to my Marlboro Lights. I will join you, though. I could do with a break.’

  ‘Good stuff.’

  Maurice, who was in his late forties, had wavy salt and pepper hair that got increasingly messy the longer he spent at work. He was great company: a magnetic character, liked by everyone in the office. He was good at his job and fazed by nothing. Mostly, though, it was his easy manner that people warmed to; his ability to focus on whoever he was talking to and make them feel important. He’d listen and empathise in a way that made them want to confide in him, like they had a special relationship. It was quite the gift and especially useful as a bachelor. Despite his average looks, he always seemed to have several girlfriends on the go at once. Not that he’d ever boast about the fact; that wasn’t his style. He was more likely to look embarrassed than proud if someone brought it up.

  ‘Are you all right, mate?’ he asked Dan as they took the lift downstairs. ‘You look troubled.’

  ‘I had my wife on the phone. Ruby’s at A&E. She fell down the stairs and broke her arm.’

  ‘Oh, no. That’s awful. How’s she doing?’

  ‘Well, she’ll be there a while, by the sound of things.’

  ‘Are you getting out of here, then?’

  ‘I doubt it. Not for a few hours, anyway. I’ve still got loads to tie up. These things always happen on deadline day, don’t they?’

  ‘I can help, if you like. I’m not too busy.’

  ‘Thanks, but it’s not like I’d be able to do anything for her at the hospital.’

  ‘No, but you’re her dad. She’ll want you there. Trust me.’

  Maurice had a daughter of his own – a nineteen-year-old from a short-lived relationship in his younger days – so he did know what he was talking about. However, he didn’t know how tricky things had been with Ruby recently. She hadn’t taken well to Dan moving out of the family home. He’d always suspected that she blamed him for the split with Maria and a few weeks ago she’d said as much. It was blurted out in anger and she’d apologised later on, claiming not to have meant it, but the words had stuck with Dan. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Weren’t the weekends with him supposed to be the fun time? Weren’t daughters supposed to be daddy’s girls? Welcome to reality, he thought.

  By the time they went back inside, Dan had agreed to accept Maurice’s kind offer to stand in and finish his papers off for him.

  ‘You’re sure?’ he asked one more time before leaving for the hospital.

  ‘Go. Be with your daughter.’

  ‘Thanks, mate. I owe you.’

  Half an hour later he was at St Joseph’s, where Ruby was slumped in a chair, her arm in a sling, waiting to have an X-ray.

  ‘Hello, darling,’ he said, crouching down next to her and kissing her pale cheek, careful not to brush against her arm.

  She gave her best attempt at a smile, although it barely registered on her drawn face. ‘Hi, Daddy,’ she whis
pered.

  ‘You look wiped out, little one. How are you doing?’

  ‘Not good.’

  ‘Poor thing.’

  He looked over at Maria, who was sitting on the next seat along. ‘Hi. I managed to get away.’

  ‘So I see.’ She didn’t go as far as thanking him, but she did look pleasantly surprised.

  ‘Have they given her something for the pain?’ he asked.

  Maria nodded.

  It was late by the time they finally got Ruby home, her arm in plaster, and they put her straight to bed. That evening was the longest time all three of them had spent together in ages, Dan noted. And there hadn’t been one argument. It almost felt like they were a family again.

  ‘Night night,’ Maria said, planting a kiss on Ruby’s forehead before leaving Dan to tuck her in.

  He knelt at the side of her bed and stroked her hair. ‘How are you feeling, darling?’

  ‘Tired,’ she whispered.

  ‘Does your arm still hurt?’

  She nodded, fresh tears trickling down her flushed cheeks.

  ‘Better than before, though?’ Dan asked, wiping the tears away with a thumb.

  ‘A bit.’

  ‘Don’t worry: you’ll be back to normal in no time. One of the best things about being a child is that you heal quickly. Anyway, I’d better let you sleep, hadn’t I?’

  She reached out with her good arm, eyes anxious. ‘No. Stay.’

  ‘Okay, love, I will.’ Taking her hand, he leaned over and kissed her on each cheek. ‘But you close your eyes. It’s late and sleep is really important when your body needs to fix itself.’

  Moving into a more comfortable seated position, Dan leaned against the side of Ruby’s bed and promised not to leave until she’d nodded off.

  Thank goodness she’s all right, he thought, his heart swelling with the love he felt for his precious daughter.

  As he sat there, silent in the dark bedroom, Dan’s eyes grew heavy.

  Next thing he knew, he was woken by a gentle tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Maria holding a finger to her lips. ‘Come on,’ she whispered, signalling for him to follow her out of the room.