If Ever I Fall

by S. D. Robertson

  ‘We should talk about Sam more, Maria,’ he said, which didn’t help. I couldn’t see the coffee granules for a second as my eyes began to blur.

  It must feel strange: me recounting this conversation to you, Sam. But I’m being honest. It’s become a difficult subject for your father and I to discuss, you see. Initially, after you died, it was all we talked about. Of course it was. Then gradually, as time passed and our relationship grew increasingly strained, it became almost unmentionable. Not because we weren’t thinking about you or missing you. That never stopped. It was just too painful. And what we were experiencing individually – the way we were grieving – was so different that neither of us understood what the other was going through.

  I’m not sure why, but I chose that moment to tell Dan I’d been seeing a counsellor.

  He looked stunned. ‘Really? For your, um—’

  ‘For my OCD,’ I replied, finally carrying the drinks to the table and sitting down opposite him. ‘You can say it, Dan. That’s what I have and I’m dealing with it. You were right to say I needed help. It took me a while to catch up.’

  ‘Are you seeing the one I found for you?’

  ‘No. At least I don’t think so. I binned the piece of paper you gave me. Sorry. I wasn’t ready for it then.’

  ‘What’s his name?’

  ‘Her name is Rosie Quinn.’

  Dan laughed, taking a sip from his drink. ‘Dr Quinn, like the medicine woman from TV?’

  I smiled too, but shook my head. ‘She’s not actually a doctor.’

  ‘Oh, right. What is she then?’

  ‘She’s a well-qualified counsellor. Two of her specialities are grief and OCD.’

  ‘And it’s helping?’

  ‘Well, you said how relaxed I looked, so I guess that’s a yes. I feel much brighter. It’s not going to disappear overnight, though. There’s lots of hard work and discipline required to beat it. I’ve already experienced my share of ups and downs. Rosie’s confident we can get there, she says.’

  Dan was over the moon. I didn’t understand it at first. I knew he’d be pleased, but he was beaming like a lottery winner. Then it dawned on me that he was interpreting it as a ticket to us getting back together. I can understand the logic, as it was after he suggested I needed help last year that I asked him to move out. But he was making a leap too far.

  I was racking my brains for the right thing to say: something to discourage him without being too disparaging. I’m seeing things differently now the fog of OCD is lifting. I didn’t want to rule out the possibility of the two of us getting back together one day. And yet, well, I was also thinking about this new relationship developing with Rick.

  Anyway, it’s irrelevant, as I never got the chance to say anything.

  ‘This is great,’ Dan said. ‘It fits in really well with what I wanted to talk to you about.’

  ‘Oh?’ was all I could manage in reply, smiling to hide my unease.

  He leaned forward across the table and stared intensely at me, which did little to reduce my discomfort. I thought for a moment that he was about to take my hand, but instead he pressed his fingers into the grain of the wood, as if fighting to hold them steady.

  ‘Firstly, I wanted to apologise again for my rant the other week. I didn’t mean any of it. It was pure anger and frustration. Especially the divorce part. That’s the opposite of what I want. The truth is, Maria, I’m still madly in love with you. I’m nothing without you in my life. You and Ruby are my world and, well, I’ll do anything it takes to get our marriage back on track. I’ll give up smoking; drinking too, if you like. I’ll work fewer hours; shave every day; take more care over my appearance. I’ll be more romantic; take you out for dinner; go to the ballet with you. Whatever you want. You name it. There must be a way for us to work this out, Maria. We can’t let what happened with Sam ruin our family. We need to move forward together. We’re better that way. In your heart of hearts, you must know that.’

  ‘I, er—’

  ‘I don’t expect an answer now,’ he said, jerking his hands away from the tabletop and clapping them together into a ball. ‘Take some time. I’ve no intention of rushing you. We can move at whatever pace you like. Think about it, that’s all I ask. Can you do that for me?’

  ‘Um … sure.’

  ‘Great,’ he replied, standing up and planting a surprise kiss on my forehead. ‘I’ll get out of your hair.’

  And so he did, leaving me perturbed and the cup of coffee I’d just made for him barely touched.

  It was a speech from the heart, although he must have rehearsed it beforehand. I’ve no doubt it was carefully crafted. His pledges were all things I’d told him over the years: a selection box of the many suggestions I’d made to improve our relationship before it had nosedived. I very much doubt he could ever achieve them all, but the sentiment was good. If nothing else, it showed he’d been listening and demonstrated his sincerity.

  And yet I couldn’t help feeling a little irritated that he’d turned my good news around into being about what he wanted. I mean, I know it was ultimately about the two of us – and Ruby, of course – but it felt like he was hijacking the agenda.

  So how to respond? I hadn’t got a clue then and I still don’t.

  ‘I’m really off now,’ Dan said, shocking me as he flew past on his way out, having popped upstairs to say goodbye to Ruby. ‘See you soon.’

  And then he was gone. Or so I thought until I heard the doorbell ring a few minutes later. I walked over to answer it, apprehensive of what might be coming next, only to find Rick and Anna smiling back at me.

  ‘Surprise,’ they said in unison.

  ‘Hello, you two,’ I replied, glad to see that Dan’s car was nowhere in sight. ‘Wow, this is a surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure?’

  ‘Well,’ Rick said. ‘We were hoping to do a deal with you.’

  ‘A deal? That sounds intriguing. You’d better come in.’

  ‘You haven’t heard what it is yet.’

  ‘That’s true. Maybe you’d better tell me what it is, Anna. Then I’ll decide whether or not to let you in.’

  She looked up at her father, who nodded his encouragement, and said: ‘If I can play with Ruby for a bit, Daddy will mow the lawn for you.’

  I burst into laughter. ‘What? Really? Wow, that sounds like an amazing deal. You definitely have to come inside. Quick. Hurry up and shake my hand before your daddy changes his mind.’

  I’d still not got round to cutting the grass, believe it or not. I’d mentioned it to Rick when we went for lunch before Easter and then it had come up again when we’d last spoken on the phone a couple of days ago.

  ‘I suggested it to Anna this morning,’ he explained after she and Ruby had run off to play. ‘She thought it was a great idea. I was worried you might have already cut the grass.’

  ‘Oh, you needn’t have. I always seem to find an excuse not to. It’s a lovely offer, by the way, but you don’t actually have to do it.’

  His eyes widened in mock disbelief. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. We made a deal. You and Anna shook on it. There’s no going back now.’

  So next thing I knew, only minutes since Dan had left me pondering his proposal, I found myself watching gorgeous Rick mowing my lawn for me. Although we’d phoned and texted each other a lot since our lunch date, this was the first time we’d seen each other again in person. He was wearing figure-hugging jeans and a tight grey T-shirt that showed off every delicious pumped-up curve of his muscular frame. I couldn’t stop watching him through the kitchen window. I even caught myself hoping that he might get too hot and feel the need to remove his top.

  I was so distracted that when Ruby asked me if Anna could stay for a sleepover, I said yes without even thinking about it. Next thing I was inviting Rick to stay for dinner too and that’s when I really started getting myself into trouble.

  Do you know what, Sam? I’m going to leave it there. Don’t worry, of course I’ll tell you what happened, but it will
have to wait until my next letter. Sorry, but I’m shattered and I really need to go to bed before my writing degenerates into gibberish. Goodnight, my darling.

  Love as always,

  M

  Xx

  CHAPTER 22

  BEFORE

  Sunday, 28 August 2016

  It was here. That dreaded day.

  Dan put a pillow over his head to block out the light, wanting to pretend it wasn’t morning for a little longer. Then he heard the sound of the vacuum cleaner coming from the landing. He was going to have to face this day whether he liked it or not. And as it was a Sunday, he wasn’t even going to have the office as a distraction.

  He banged the pillow a couple of times with his fist before tossing it away and taking a long deep breath. It turned into a coughing fit, forcing him to sit up in bed. Not his own bed, but the one in the spare room, where Maria had forced him to sleep for nearly a month now. Surely she’d let him back in the main bedroom soon, although now wasn’t the time to broach that thorny issue with her. It would be hard enough to get through the day anyway.

  No, raising a difficult subject with Maria was what had got him turfed out of the main bedroom in the first place. He’d been worried about her strange behaviour for a while, but he’d been hoping it was a phase – her way of dealing with things – and would gradually improve. Then one night a few weeks back, it had got so weird he couldn’t ignore it any longer.

  They’d both been in bed for an hour or so when Maria tapped his shoulder to wake him up and asked if he’d locked the front door. ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Like I told you before.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Maria was silent for a moment and then he heard her get out of bed.

  ‘What are you doing?’ he asked.

  ‘Going to the toilet.’

  She returned a few minutes later.

  ‘You went to check the door, didn’t you?’ he said.

  ‘Go to sleep.’

  He tried, but she must have got in and out of bed at least six more times in the next half an hour and, eventually, he could stand it no longer. ‘Bloody hell, Maria. What on earth are you doing? I’m trying to sleep.’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘You’re checking that door, aren’t you? How many times now? What are you afraid of?’

  ‘Shut up,’ she spat. ‘You’ll wake Ruby.’

  ‘I’ll wake her? You’re the one traipsing up and down the stairs every five minutes.’

  ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  Dan lowered his voice to a whisper, trying to calm things down. ‘Listen, Maria. Sorry I snapped. It’s late. I’m tired. But seriously, what you’re doing, it’s not normal. It’s not the first time either. You need to tell me what’s going on. I want to help.’

  ‘You wouldn’t understand.’

  ‘Try me.’

  Maria turned the light on. ‘I think you’d better sleep in the spare room tonight.’

  ‘What? Don’t be ridiculous. I—’

  ‘Go or I’ll scream the house down.’

  ‘And wake Ruby up? Brilliant. A minute ago you were the one—’

  ‘Don’t push me, Dan,’ she growled, her eyes wild.

  He could see there would be no reasoning with her in that state, so he did as she asked. Little did he know how long his exile would continue.

  Back in the present, Dan picked up his phone from the bedside table to check the time. Bloody hell. It was only 7.15 a.m. These summer mornings were deceptive. So what on earth was Maria doing vacuuming so early?

  Dan eyed the pack of fags lying next to his mobile and thought about lighting one up. Why not? It was his house and it wasn’t like Maria was sharing the room with him. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. It wasn’t worth the grief it would cause. Maria moaned enough about his smoking already. She hated the fact he’d started again; lighting up inside would be a step too far. Especially today.

  Thinking about smoking, Dan noted that it was twelve months since he’d fallen off the wagon. Buying a pack of cigarettes had been an instinctive response to the unbearable horror and devastation that had rained down on his life a year ago. The first couple had tasted awful, but after that it was like he’d never quit. They didn’t help much – not really – but giving up again now was unthinkable.

  He picked up the pack, climbed out of bed and, after slipping into his dressing gown, opened the door. Maria wasn’t in sight. The vacuum was still going, but it sounded like it was coming from downstairs.

  Dan went to the toilet, splashed some water on his face and then peered around the open door of Ruby’s bedroom to see if she was awake. Her bed was empty, the quilt balled up at the foot end. She must have already gone downstairs.

  Before doing the same, Dan walked to the door of the bedroom that used to belong to his elder daughter. It was closed as usual. The hand-drawn sign she’d once blue-tacked on to it read: ‘Sam’s space. Stay out!’

  Dan stood there, staring at it; remembering.

  No! He didn’t want to think about that now.

  He couldn’t.

  The horrific image flashed unwanted into his thoughts, but he forced himself to push it aside.

  Locked it away.

  Dug out another memory instead: the day Sam had put the sign up following a row with Ruby. He’d walked in on a shouting match between the two of them and had been forced to act as referee.

  ‘She’s always coming in here and messing with my stuff, Dad,’ Sam said.

  ‘It’s not true, Daddy,’ Ruby replied. ‘I wanted to ask her something. And then—’

  ‘Liar. I was in the bathroom and when I came back she was snooping around on my desk.’

  ‘I only wanted to borrow a pencil.’

  ‘Get your own.’

  Ruby started crying and Dan instinctively went to comfort her.

  Sam stomped her feet. ‘That’s so not fair, Dad. This is what always happens. She starts crying and you take her side.’

  ‘Easy, Sam,’ Dan replied. ‘No one’s taking anyone’s side. All I want is for the two of you to stop fighting. I’m sure it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other.’

  ‘No it’s not. It’s all her fault. Little cry baby. I hate her.’ Roaring with anger, Sam threw the nearest thing to hand – an old cup full of pens – against the wall.

  ‘Hey! That’s enough,’ Dan said. ‘Stay here. We’re going to have words when I come back. And those pens had better be cleared away. I hope for your sake there are no marks on the wall.’

  He took Ruby to her bedroom. ‘Don’t worry,’ he told her. ‘Big sisters get like that sometimes. It’s a teenage thing. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. But you mustn’t go into her room or play with her things when she’s not there.’

  After making Ruby promise not to do so again, Dan wiped away her tears. Then he returned to Sam’s room.

  ‘I never want to hear you say that to your sister again, Sam,’ he said with the door shut so Ruby couldn’t listen. ‘She’s your family. We both know you don’t really hate her, but she’s only little and she might believe it. I want you to apologise.’

  ‘But Dad—’

  ‘But Dad nothing. You’ll do what I ask or face the consequences. And if I ever see you throw things like that again, you’ll be grounded for a month. Do you understand?’

  Sam nodded.

  ‘Is there any damage to the wall?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Count yourself lucky.’

  The memory faded and Dan found himself back in front of the door that stood between him and his late daughter’s bedroom. On the one-year anniversary of the day she’d died. That argument between the girls had only happened a couple of months before then. It had marked the start of a difficult summer in which there had been a series of rows with Sam at the centre.

  Dan wondered for the umpteenth time whether there was anything he could have done differently that might have changed what happened. H
e reached out for the handle, willing himself to go inside, but he couldn’t do it. Then he nearly jumped through the ceiling as he felt it move in his hand and the door swung open.

  ‘Daddy,’ Ruby said in a tiny voice, her eyes wide with shock. ‘I didn’t know you were there.’

  ‘Oh, it’s you, darling,’ Dan replied, catching his breath. ‘What are you—’

  ‘Sorry.’

  Dan put his arm around his daughter, who was wearing pyjamas covered in cartoon cats and a pink and white striped dressing gown. He kissed her forehead and guided her to Sam’s old bed, where they sat down next to each other. ‘There’s nothing to be sorry about. You can come in here any time you like. I’ve told you that before.’

  ‘I miss her.’

  ‘Me too. She loved you, you know. More than anything. She may not have always shown it, but that was more about her than it was about you. She actually saved your life once.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Sure. We were on holiday in a place called Thasos: a Greek island. You’d just had your third birthday. Goodness only knows how it happened. Your mother and I were furious at ourselves. But somehow, early one evening, you ended up at the side of the swimming pool by yourself.’

  ‘I don’t remember that.’

  ‘You wouldn’t, darling. Children don’t tend to remember the first years of their lives. Anyhow, you fell in the pool when there was no one else around. Luckily, Sam noticed you were missing and went to look for you. She found you in the water, dived in and fished you out. She was already a strong swimmer, but you hadn’t started lessons yet.’

  ‘Was I still breathing?’

  ‘Yes. You’d swallowed a bit of water, but otherwise you were fine. She must have got there right after you’d fallen in. If she hadn’t – well, it doesn’t bear thinking about.’

  ‘I’m surprised I don’t remember.’

  ‘We played it down, other than drumming it into you never to go by the pool again on your own. Not that we let you out of our sight for one second again after that.’

  What Dan missed out in the version of the story he told Ruby was that Sam had been the one who was supposed to be looking after her when it happened. The two of them had gone off together and Sam had got distracted playing with some holiday friends, during which time her little sister had gone walkabout. He didn’t include that information, as it would have ruined the impact of what he was trying to convey. Besides, Sam had only been ten years old then. Dan and Maria had since agreed this was too young to be entrusted with looking after Ruby; if anyone was to blame, it was them.