by Lauryn April
Ian’s hand found my thigh again and he said, “So, what’s the big deal then? It’s not like either of us are virgins.”
He leaned in and kissed me again, but I wasn’t feeling it like I was before. Something swirled in the pit of my stomach, making me feel sick, and it wasn’t the booze. Within seconds Ian returned to the same intensity he’d had moments ago. I pushed him back again with both hands.
“No. It is a big deal.”
Ian backed up an inch. His expression sobered, and he realized I was upset. He sat back, giving me space. “I didn’t mean to…if you don’t want to, we don’t have to do anything.”
The room was spinning. In an instant my partying caught up to me. I was hot and uncomfortable, and the loud music was making my head hurt. Ian wanted to make amends – I could see it in his eyes that he didn’t mean to upset me – but I wasn’t having fun anymore. I wanted to leave.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I…I just have to go,” I said, standing up.
Ian grabbed my hand as I tried to leave. The bracelet I was wearing dug into my wrist. I yanked my hand free and bolted from the room.
Ian called my name. I didn’t turn around. All I wanted was to get out of that party and go home. I shut the office door behind me and walked out. Now that I was on my feet again, it became increasingly apparent how drunk I really was. With every step I swayed, knocking into people. I grabbed onto the furniture to keep my balance. Passing the couch in the basement I saw Darren and Hailey making out. So much for a ride home, I thought and continued through the house, making my way upstairs.
When I got to the upstairs hall, I passed the bathroom and heard the heaving noises of a girl who’d drank way past her limit. In the living room a guy was passed out on the sofa. I was planning to walk home alone and had the front door in my sights. Then I saw Jo standing in the corner. She had a cup in her hands, but the lack of gloss to her eyes told me she’d monitored her drinking far better than I had, and she was talking to a guy.
I smiled, seeing her smile. Then I watched as the guy leaned in to whisper something in her ear. Jo’s face changed. A curled lip and wrinkled nose annihilated the sweet smile she’d had moments earlier. She said something, but I was too far away to hear what it was. Then she threw her drink at him. The guy’s arms rose as the beer sailed through the air, hitting him dead in the chest. He yelled something then turned, pushing people out of his path as he stormed off. He passed me – probably on his way to the bathroom, which was already occupied. I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of his night only getting worse.
Across the room Jo spotted me. I made my way to her.
“Wanna get out of here?” I asked.
Jo nodded, and we walked outside.
The fresh air was a nice change from the smell of spilt beer and sweat. It helped clear my head as Jo and I walked home from Jared’s. By the time we got to our subdivision, we were walking in the middle of the road and talking about our night.
“I can’t believe I threw my beer at him,” Jo said.
“Psh, he deserved it. What’d he say to you anyway?”
Jo shook her head. “Doesn’t matter, guy was a jerk.”
I sighed. “They’re all jerks, Jo.”
She frowned. “What happened with Ian?”
I could tell she was genuinely upset for me.
“He thought that since I’d already lost my v-card that I was cool with giving it up whenever.”
“Oh, Payton, I’m so sorry,” Jo said. “God, I could kill Jared for starting that rumor.”
“It’s not just Jared’s fault. I let people think it was true…and now the guy I like thinks I’m easy.” I sighed. “Life sucks.”
Jo put her arm around my shoulders. “It’ll be okay,” she said. “You’re not easy, and you didn’t sleep with Ian tonight so now he knows that. Tomorrow he’ll probably wake up and realize that he was a drunken idiot and call you and apologize for being such a jerk.”
“Think so?”
Jo nodded. I smiled, comforted by her words.
I felt better by the time I got home, and even through my drunken haze, I started to realize something. I’d spent a long time trying to be who everyone else thought I was. I pretended to be experienced to avoid being hurt by Jared’s malicious rumors. Hell, I’d dated him in the first place because everyone thought we belonged together. All day I’d been trying to focus on being me, on just being Payton, but I was trying to be the Payton that didn’t really exist. The girl that had been created by everyone else around her, but I wasn’t really that girl. I never had been, and I didn’t want to pretend to be her anymore. I had changed in the last few weeks.
I tried to be the girl whose biggest worry was how she was going to do her hair for Homecoming, the girl whose most traumatic experience was having her goldfish die when she was eight. But the truth was, I wasn’t that girl anymore. Sure, I still wondered whether to do my hair up or down next Saturday, but that wasn’t the only thing I cared about. I didn’t want to date Ian because we looked good together. I wanted to date him because I liked him.
I didn’t use to be the kind of girl who would be friends with Logan Reed. We didn’t use to have anything in common. That was different now too.
I pulled up the blinds and opened my window. A cool breeze flowed in. At first my sight fell to the road, where a black sedan parked and shut off its headlights. As my gaze drifted up, I saw Logan lying on his roof. Normally I would have turned around, slammed my window shut, and gotten ready for bed. This time I didn’t.
I breathed in the fresh air, watching Logan stare up at the stars. I wondered if he missed his home planet. It hadn’t sounded like the greatest place ever, but it was still where he was from. After a few moments he looked my way, and his eyes met mine. We stared at each other for a while, then I waved. Logan tilted his head to the side, then finally waved back. After that I smiled and went to bed, leaving my window open.
The alcohol in my system made my limbs feel heavy. I sunk into my mattress and quickly fell into a deep sleep. Strange dreams filled my mind, images and places mixing and matching into bizarre collages. Then, in the middle of the night, this odd sensation overcame me. It roused me from my sleep. I twisted around and opened my eyes.
A man stood before me.
I jolted upright. A scream rumbled up from my belly. It snaked up my throat, and just as it was about to break free of my lips, the man rushed forward and held his hand over my mouth. My scream was muffled by his palm. As I fought against him, he grabbed something from his pocket and jabbed it into my arm. I thrashed harder, feeling something sharp pierce my skin.
Warmth flooded through me.
My arms fell limp. He held his hand over my mouth another moment. My eyes traced his features. Bright blue eyes and a square, clean-shaved jaw made up his expressionless face. My eyelids grew heavy. His outline began to blur as if I were looking at him through a lens that kept focusing and unfocusing.
The man pulled something else from his pocket. It was a small device, the size of a pen. He held it up behind my right ear, and I heard it beep. He put the device away. The world became cloudy and started to take on strange shapes. The man’s face grew long; his eyes became wide and cartoonish. Then he whispered something into my ear.
“You never saw me; this is a dream.”
His words blurred into oblivion.
I faded into blackness.
CHAPTER
11
My head was pounding when I woke the next day. As sleep faded from my consciousness, I remembered the man from last night. I remembered his blue eyes and how he’d injected me with something, but my memory was wavy, like looking at the world through a rain-washed window. It felt like my memories of my first abduction, distant and unreal. Was he only a nightmare? I had been having strange dreams lately, like when I’d dreamed of Ian in a blue tux. I’d also been drinking. Eventually I concluded that I’d just imagined him.
After showering and drinking almost a gallon of
orange juice, I finally felt well enough to be around other people. I gave Jo a call and giggled when she answered with a groggy voice. I asked what time she wanted me to come over, and after considering it was already eleven, she told me to come by at two.
A short while later I went to get the mail. I was hoping to find a new copy of one of Mom’s magazine subscriptions that I could flip through in search of beauty tips to put to use at Homecoming. As I walked down my driveway, the Reeds’ front door opened. Logan stepped outside. We both paused; then I continued to my mailbox. I frowned when I saw there weren’t any magazines. I waved at Logan and he smiled back, his eyes shifting behind me.
“Where’s your car?” he asked just as I was about to turn and walk back inside.
“School,” I said. “Jo and I walked home from a house party last night.”
He nodded. He seemed to be thinking about something as he looked between his mom’s silver sedan in the driveway and back to me. “So you’re stranded then?”
“Till Hailey comes to give me a ride later, yeah.”
“If you wanted, I could give you a ride,” he said. “I’m headed there now; I left a book I need in my locker.”
I thought over Logan’s offer. The old me would have shot him down and waited for Hailey, even though she was unreliable. But that wasn’t what I wanted. As fuzzy as the other night was, I remembered thinking I didn’t want to be who everyone else thought I should be. I didn’t want to choose my friends based on who everyone else thought was cool. I wanted to be friends with Logan.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Yeah?” Logan asked as if he wasn’t sure I’d actually agreed to do something with him.
“Yeah, sure. It beats waiting around here all day.”
“Okay, cool.”
I got into the passenger seat of his mom’s silver Subaru and buckled up. Absentmindedly I’d brought the mail with me. I’d left my purse inside so I set the mail beside me on the seat. Awkward silence consumed the car for the first few minutes of our drive. I turned my bracelet around my wrist, remembering how Ian had grabbed my hand the other night. How I’d felt the metal dig into my skin. I spun the bracelet again. One of its metal links must have pulled loose and finally unhooked from the rest of the chain because it fell.
“Damn,” I swore as the metal slinked to the floor of the car.
I bent over to pick it up, but before I could reach for it, it was hovering before me. I stared at the metal chain in awe as it danced in the air. My eyes shot to Logan.
“Sorry, I just…I got it,” he said.
My broken bracelet floated to me and dropped into the palm of my hand.
Right, alien superpowers, how could I forget? “Thanks.”
“So, what are you up to this weekend?” he asked.
“I’m supposed to meet up with Jo and her boyfriend at two.” Shit. I clamped my mouth shut, realizing I’d given away the one secret I had promised Jo I would not tell.
“I didn’t think Jo was seeing anyone.”
I cringed. “It’s a secret. I wasn’t supposed to tell.”
Logan laughed. “You didn’t even give up a fight giving that one away. Maybe I should be more worried about you telling everyone about me,” he teased.
“It just slipped out,” I said. “Please don’t say anything.”
Logan turned to me and saw the pleading look in my eyes. I could tell because his teasing expression softened.
“No worries, Carlson, her secret’s safe with me.”
I sighed in relief.
“So, what are you doing later?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably going to work on this project I have for science that I’ve been completely blowing off.”
“What’s it on?”
I sighed. “Two pages on why stars twinkle.”
“They only twinkle from earth; if you’re in outer space they just glow.”
My head snapped to Logan. “You know why stars twinkle?”
“Yeah, it has to do with our atmosphere and how it refracts light.”
I looked at Logan, surprised. Although, when I thought about it, if anyone would know about stars and outer space, Logan was a safe bet.
“Did they twinkle on your planet?”
Logan shrugged. “Yes, I mean my planet had an atmosphere so they would have had to. I don’t remember them. My mom told me once that they looked different there, brighter.”
“I bet they were pretty.”
Logan was silent, but nodded. We pulled into the school parking lot, stopping beside my car.
“Well, thanks for the ride.” I reached for the door handle.
“You know,” Logan said. “If you wanted I could help you with that paper. Just um…stop by sometime.”
I nodded and a smile crept across my lips. “Yeah, I’ll think about it.” Which may have sounded like I was blowing Logan off, but I really would think about it. After all, Astronomy wasn’t exactly the easy A course I’d thought it would be.
It was ten to two when I pulled into the driveway. I parked my car and walked to Jo’s. I knew Jo’s parents weren’t home, and her little brother was probably out riding his bike around the neighborhood, but even if there had been anyone there I still probably wouldn’t have knocked. That’s just how Jo’s house was. The door was never locked, and the Mitchells considered me family.
I swung the door open, calling Jo’s name as I stepped inside. Before I even had a chance to shut the door behind me, I saw Jo. I froze, my mouth fell open, and I blinked twice. Jo’s lips broke free from the kiss, and she looked to me with wide eyes.
I looked at who I assumed was Nik, taking in the curly, long red hair, indie rock band t-shirt, skinny jeans, and porcelain skin. She was very pretty.
“Sorry,” I said, still processing.
A blush rose to my cheeks. Feeling lightheaded I ducked back outside, shut the door behind me, and nearly raced down the steps. I felt like I’d walked in on something incredibly personal, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to react. Suddenly I was bombarded with memories of our vague conversations about Nik. How Jo wanted to keep it all a secret. Nik was a girl. My best friend was dating a girl. I wasn’t mad or upset. I was…surprised.
My eyes cast down, I nearly walked straight into Logan. I looked up to see him just in time.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know where I was going. Behind me I heard the front door open, and I glanced over my shoulder to see Jo and Nik walk out. Logan looked over my shoulder.
“I thought you said you were going over to meet Jo’s boyfriend?”
My words caught in my throat. “I….” I sighed. “I don’t know what to do.”
Logan’s eyes widened. He made this “oh” face, and I could tell that he understood.
He raised his eyebrows. “Jo is your best friend, Payton. The two of you are always together. You go talk to her.”
I took a breath. It was as if upon hearing his words my mind cleared. What am I doing? This was Jo. Logan handed me something, and I looked down to see my mail.
“You left this in my car,” he said.
I grabbed the small stack of white envelopes and nodded. Logan was right: Jo was my best friend. We told each other everything. She had always been there for me, and I needed to be there for her now.
“Thanks.” I smiled.
He waved and walked to his house.
I turned around to see Jo standing on her front porch. Her expression was tense. She twisted the ring on her left hand around her pointer finger, a nervous habit she’d had since freshman year. I felt awful for walking out. It was obvious Jo was worried about telling me this, and I’d probably hurt her feelings. I walked back up the stairs and held out a hand to the petite redhead.
“I’m Payton.”
“Nikki,” the redhead responded, and the tension eased from Jo’s face.
We went inside after that. Jo told me how she met Nikki at the end of the summer whe
n she’d taken her younger brother to the carnival they’d held at St. James Baptist Church. I got to know a little about Nikki and her love of music and soccer. She seemed like a relaxed person, but also funny and adventurous – like Jo. Nikki had this airy ease about her personality that made it hard not to like her. I could easily see us being friends, and when I saw her and Jo share a smile or a laugh it made me happy. At the same time though, there was something sad about knowing that Jo and Nikki were more than just friends. I was glad Jo was happy, but I also felt like I’d lost something.
Since freshman year Jo had been the one person I shared everything with, including boys. We’d sit in the bleachers at basketball games and comment on the players. We swooned over the hotties that lit up the small screen. Jo was where I got my advice on boys from. She had comforted every tear I’d shed over Jared. She listened to every babbling word I’d said about Ian when he’d just been a crush. I knew she was the same Jo, but I couldn’t help but feel like part of our friendship would change, and that was scary.
After a little while Nikki left. Jo walked her to the door, and I saw the worry return to her face when she turned around.
“So we’re still friends, right?”
“What?” Her question took me off guard. “Of course, why wouldn’t we be friends?”
Jo smiled and sat down beside me on the couch. “Thanks.”
“Jo, you’re my best friend; you shouldn’t even think such stupid things. We’ll always be friends.”
Jo’s eyebrows rose. “You did kind of freak when you walked in.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well…I was surprised. Nikki wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, but I like her.”
Jo smiled. “Yeah, Nik’s great.”
“Have you told your parents yet?”
Jo shook her head. “You’re the only person I’ve told.”
“What do you think they’re going to say?”
Jo let out a slow sigh. Her lips thinned, and her brow creased. “I don’t know if I should tell them at all.”
I was silent for a long moment. “Jo, they’re your parents. I know they’re a little more old-school with the religious stuff than mine, but it’s kind of in their job description to love you.”
