by Lauryn April
“It’s almost like you’re not making it happen, you’re just expecting it to happen. When you made the paperclips move, you expected them to move with your fingers. It has to come from inside you. Think about when you made Hailey’s earrings float or when you lifted your bed. You weren’t thinking about doing anything, were you?”
“No, if anything I was thinking about making it stop.”
“See, that’s what I’m saying. You have to just believe that that’s what’s going to happen. Go ahead, try again.”
I rolled my eyes; Logan didn’t make sense sometimes. I let out a frustrated huff as I stared at the metal figurine. The tiny dog looked at me with pouty eyes. I focused on him. I believed I could make him float. Then I tried to feel him floating. He lifted off the bed. I smiled. In my excitement I thought about making him float higher. That was when he fell back into the covers. I grunted, threw my head back, and fell backwards onto Logan’s bed.
“Ugh, I’m never going to get this.”
Logan laughed and moved to lie beside me. “Yes, you will. You’re doing fine.”
“Psh, yeah, just fine. If I get abducted tomorrow I’ll be fine. I’ll just float paperclips at the aliens and they’ll go away.”
Logan laughed, turning my face toward his. “It’ll be okay, I promise.” Then he kissed me.
The next night went much the same. I worked on focusing my abilities. When I became too frustrated to continue, our teaching session turned into a make-out session. I’d thought after our steamy shower experience that Logan might try to push things a little further with our relationship, but he’d gone back to playing it safe. I wasn’t sure if I was happy about that or not. It was nice knowing he respected me, but I felt ready for a little more.
After Logan pulled the brakes on our kissing, he put his shirt back on (mine had never made it higher than my bra), and we climbed onto the roof to watch the stars. It was getting colder so we pulled a couple blankets off Logan’s bed and wrapped ourselves up like human burritos.
“I like it out here,” I said as I stared up at the sky.
“Me too.” Logan smiled.
Staring at the distant shimmering spots, I realize how vast the universe was. I used to think of the night sky like a blanket of twinkling dots, but that’s not what it is at all. It’s deep and distant, and I was nothing but a speck in the scheme of things.
“Do they ever make you feel small?”
“Sometimes,” Logan said. “But I like to think of it more like…like I’m a part of something bigger.”
I nodded. I liked that better than feeling insignificant, and maybe he was right. Maybe there was something bigger, some cosmic plan. At least then my experiences with the Greys might mean something.
“Think there are other things out there, other than the Greys?” I asked.
Logan thought for a moment. “Maybe. I mean, that would make sense. There’s a lot of space out there for life to only exist on two planets.”
I snuggled into Logan’s side. “I hope if there is anything else out there, that they’re nothing like the Greys.”
Logan nodded and pulled me close.
“Logan?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you for helping me try to keep them from coming back for me.” My eyes teared up. I’d mostly come to terms with the idea that eventually I would be taken again, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still scared. “Thanks for teaching me….”
Logan shushed me and turned onto his side so he was facing me. “No one’s coming back for you.”
I lifted an eyebrow and pursed my lips. I knew he wanted to hold on to the possibility that the ship that had taken me had been the one that crashed in the woods. I couldn’t ignore the fact that maybe it wasn’t.
“I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything.”
He wiped a tear from my cheek and kissed me. “You’re welcome, but you’re not going anywhere.”
“Logan–”
“I know you’re not convinced. I know you don’t want to hold on to that hope just to have it broken. I know you’re scared, but you’re here now. You’re still here. Just be here with me, okay?”
I nodded. Logan tugged me tight to him again, and we stared into the night sky. After a moment I let my fears fade away, at least for the time being. I felt his chest rise and fall, felt the warmth from his body, and his lips against my forehead. I let myself just be happy.
A shooting star sent sparkling light across the sky. I almost wished upon it that I’d never been taken by the Greys, but I didn’t. It was my abduction that first brought Logan and I together. That experience had changed who I was, and I liked myself better now. Instead, just before the star’s glimmering tail faded into the night, I wished that nothing would ever tear Logan and me apart.
A short while later I’d nearly fallen asleep on Logan’s shoulder when I heard a loud cat-call whistle ring through the air. Opening my eyes, I saw Jo standing outside her house. Nikki waved from her car before driving down the street. Logan let out a low chuckle, and Jo whistled again. I untangled an arm from the tight cocoon we’d created with the blankets and waved. Jo waved back, then went inside.
As I adjusted the blanket and slunk back down into its warmth, I thought just maybe everything would be okay.
CHAPTER
28
Another week passed without incident. At school Hailey continued to shun me, and the divide in our squad was wider than ever before, but things were good with everyone else. Jo and Nikki were spending more and more time together. Jo had told me she’d even invited Nikki over to her house for dinner. It’d gone well, though Jo mentioned a few awkward moments with her parents. She knew they were trying though, and that meant a lot.
I had a busy week with classes and studying for tests, but by the weekend Logan and I had some time together again. Friday began with me practicing my telekinesis at Logan’s house after class. Within ten minutes I’d given up and we were making out in Logan’s bed.
Logan hovered above me as we lay on top of the covers. My fingers curled through his hair as they trailed up the back of his scalp. His hands slid up my sides. I tugged on his bottom lip. We kissed and caressed, and our bodies stuck together like magnets fighting against the friction of the clothing keeping us apart.
Logan pulled away. He leaned his forehead against mine and after a few deep, needy breaths he rolled onto his back, leaving me feeling cold and bare.
I let out a breath. “Why’d you stop?”
“My mom should be home soon,” Logan said. “She’s only running errands right now; she works the night shift tonight.”
“Right, so probably best if she doesn’t walk in on us getting hot and heavy.” I paused. “That is the only reason you stopped though, right?” Images of the night things had gotten steamy in Logan’s shower flashed through my mind. I’d wondered why after that, it seemed like he’d pulled back some. Maybe it was that we hadn’t had much alone time lately, and what time there was had been spent working on my telekinesis.
Logan turned onto his side to face me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s okay with me if things move beyond kissing.”
Logan’s eyes widened I watched him trying to find the right words to say next. There was a hunger in his eyes. A smirk started to pull at the corner of his lips that completely made me forget he’d been more gentlemanly than necessary lately. The way he looked at me then made me blush, and I looked away.
“I mean, I’m not saying I’m ready for…I’m just, there are other things that might be nice.”
I’d never babbled so badly before in my life. I’d always been quick with my words, smooth with everything I said. But, for some reason, talking to Logan was making me jumpy. My heartbeat sputtered and my words moved at a tempo to match.
Logan smiled. “Maybe you could come over tonight. Mom doesn’t get home until about 7 a.m. when she’s working the graveyard shift.”
A knot formed in my throat. �
�What, like, stay the night?”
Logan shrugged. “Yeah, we’ll have a sleepover.”
The possibilities that ran through my head were enough to make me blush again. I sat up, trying to shake some of them free and gain a little composure.
“You’re not afraid that maybe the Greys will come back for me and you’ll get abducted right along with me?”
Logan shook his head. “Just because my mom worries about that doesn’t mean I do.”
I heard a soft creak. My eyes flashed to Logan’s bedroom door. It was open but no one was there. I shook my head; I was being paranoid.
Logan smiled. “I don’t know. I guess if I were to get abducted with you, that just doesn’t seem so bad. I’d rather be there with you than here alone.”
Logan’s words made me feel like my heart was filled with hot chocolate – warm and sweet and completely comforting. It reminded me how much I really did care for him. Everything about Logan and me was different. Our relationship was more personal, private – intimate. It was nothing like any of my past relationships. When I was with Logan I didn’t care about what anyone else thought. I didn’t care what they thought about me or him, or us, or anything. It made everything we did together feel so much more important.
“Besides,” Logan continued. I snapped back to reality. “There’s still a chance my dad’s out there, somewhere, fighting and helping the resistance. It’d crush my mom but I’d have you, and maybe I’d have him, and we would find our way back here.”
I heard the soft creak again. This time when I looked up I saw Logan’s mom standing in the doorway. Oh shit, I thought. Both Logan and I straightened at the sight of her.
“Payton, I think it’s time for you to go home.”
“Yes, of course.” Promptly I stood. As I walked out I glanced at Logan over my shoulder. “I’ll um, see you tomorrow,” I said, then stepped into the hall.
I knew I should have gone down the stairs and across the street, but for some reason I hovered in the hall, listening in on Logan’s conversation with his mom.
“Phone,” Linda said.
“What?”
“Phone, now, you’re grounded.”
“For what? Hanging out with Payton – you can’t do that.”
“For having a girl in your room when I’m not home.”
“That’s never been a rule.”
“Only because I never had to make it one until now.”
Logan grumbled something unintelligible. “Fine, here, take it.”
Linda sighed and I heard the squeaking noise Logan’s desk chair made when it was moved. It creaked as Linda sat down.
“I’m only trying to look out for you.”
“Yeah, I get it, Mom, it’s just…you worry too much.”
There was a long beat of silence. I thought about leaving again, but didn’t.
“Logan, there’s something we need to talk about.”
Logan laughed. “Mom, if this is the birds and the bees’ talk you can lay off; they cover that in Health, and Payton and I aren’t having sex.”
“That’s not…should I be concerned about the two of you–”
“Mom.”
“No, it’s not about that.” The chair creaked again. “Logan, there’s something I have to tell you.” Another pause. “Logan, I lied to you when I told you your father was a soldier in the resistance. Well no, I mean…he was a part of the resistance.”
“Was? What do you mean was? Like, he was a soldier, but then he left the resistance.”
Logan’s mom was silent.
When Logan spoke next, his voice was tense. “No, no, you’re not going to tell me he’s dead. You wouldn’t keep that from me.” The bed creaked. I imagined Logan sitting back to tilt his head against the wall.
I felt my heart plummet. I wanted to go to him.
“What happened?”
“He died. Sweetie, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, and I’m sorry I have to tell you this now, but I can’t let you think that there’s anything good about going back there. That planet, that place, there’s nothing good about it.”
“I’ve spent my whole life waiting for him, staring up at the stars at night because you told me he was out there fighting for us. Why didn’t you tell me he died?”
Linda sighed. “I think maybe part of me wanted to pretend he was still out there too.”
A beat of silence passed, then Logan asked, “What happened to him?”
Linda took a few slow, even breaths. When she spoke I heard the emotions cracking through her voice. “He’d been trying to convince me we needed to get out. The resistance was just forming then. Your father would sneak out in the middle of the night to meet up with…I don’t even know who. They said they could get ahold of a ship, but I didn’t think we could trust them, and you were so little….”Linda took a deep breath. “Somehow he convinced me we should go with them, but the night before we were supposed to leave…there was a Reaping.”
Logan let out a long breath. I pictured him collapsing into his hands as if he were a house of cards falling from the fumbling of shaky hands. I closed my eyes. None of that had been any of my business. While it felt wrong to have listened in, it also felt wrong not be able to go to him. So I left.
I texted Logan twice that night, hoping his mother had changed her mind on the whole grounding him thing. He never responded. As the warmth of the afternoon was snubbed out by the chill of the night, I sat in my window working on homework. I hoped to see Logan step onto his roof. He never appeared. Chilly air filled my bedroom, slinking up my sleeves and wrapping around the exposed skin of my collarbone. I pulled a blanket off my bed and wrapped it around me. Shapes shimmered beyond Logan’s windows like shadow puppets against the blinds, but even after all my textbooks had been put away and my homework was finished, I still hadn’t seen his face.
A little before nine the yellow light of the street lamps reflected off Linda’s silver sedan as she pulled out of her driveway and took off down the street. I thought about what Logan had said about having a sleepover, then I thought about the news his mother had dropped on him. I wavered between wanting to go see him and wanting to give him space. In the end some mix of hormones and concern for him had me walking down the stairs and grabbing my jacket off the hook by the door.
My mother sat in the living room. She twisted around in her seat to ask where I was going when I reached the front door.
“Jo’s. We’re having a sleepover,” I responded.
“Starting kind of late, aren’t you?”
I shrugged, unable to come up with an answer that made any kind of sense.
“Well, have fun,” Mom said and turned back around. That was way too easy.
The cool air bit into my skin when I stepped outside.
I texted Jo: “BTW, if anyone asks, I slept at your house tonight.”
After shoving my phone back into my pocket, I crossed my arms and walked across the street. I bounced on the heels of my feet as I stood on Logan’s stoop. I wondered if I should leave and let him have some space.
I pressed the doorbell. It echoed in the distance and I waited impatiently for him to answer. I started to wonder if maybe he’d ignored the bell, when finally I heard him stomping down the stairs. I took a nervous breath, my shoulders rising and muscles tensing as the door swung open. I worried he wouldn’t want to see me, but he smiled as he held the door open and relief filled me.
“Hey, come in,” he said. Warmth swept over me as I stepped inside. “I was worried you wouldn’t come. My mom took my phone away.”
“Yeah, I know.” I decided it would be better to fess up right away than to pretend I didn’t hear anything. “I um…I kind of didn’t leave right away when your mom told me to go home.”
Understanding flashed behind Logan’s eyes. “How much did you hear?”
I didn’t say anything, I just bit my lip, and Logan nodded. “Are you okay?”
Logan shrugged. “Part of me always knew it was a possibility
. I just never thought it’d be like…that.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, unsure of how I should respond.
“It’s okay. In a way it’s better this way. At least now I know.”
I nodded. A beat of silence passed. “So you were still hoping I’d come by?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know; guess I figured I’d see you out on the roof or something. I thought maybe you wanted to be alone.”
“Oh, no, I’m glad you came. I just wasn’t feeling like looking at the stars tonight…and maybe I did want a little time to think about things, but I’m glad you’re here now.”
I smiled. “Good.”
Logan smiled back, then leaned in for a kiss.
“So what do you want to do?” I asked as he pulled away.
I snuggled under the covers. Logan wrapped his arm around me, and I laid my head on his chest. His laptop sat on his nightstand, and we were halfway through The Hangover. Everything in that moment felt so perfect, like I had nothing in the world to be afraid of. I felt safe. As we laughed at the movie I started to feel like telling Logan how I felt. It took a few moments to muster up the courage.
“You know, I really like you,” I finally said. The words still didn’t feel adequate, but it was something.
Logan smiled, diverting his attention from the computer screen to me.
“Well, good, cause I’ve kind of liked you for a while.”
“Really? Since when?”
“Since we were six and my mom brought me over to that barbeque your parents were throwing.”
I twisted around to see his face. “Really?”
Logan nodded. “I thought you were cute.”
“Why? I mean, I know I was cute, but I was never nice to you.”
Logan laughed. “You were the mean girl at school, but sometimes I’d see you when you didn’t think anyone else was looking. I could tell there was more to you than that.”
“When would you have seen that?”
“I have lived across the street from you for a long time, you know. I’ve seen how you are when it’s just you and Jo running, or when you’re alone at night, looking out your window. You were different when you were alone, like you didn’t have to be anything for anyone. Like you could just be yourself. When I’d see you like that I knew you weren’t the same girl everyone else got to know.”
