Bittersweet Symphony (The Damaged Souls series Book 2)

by Belinda Boring

  I’d been desperate to talk, but no matter how many times I opened my mouth to respond, nothing came out—at least nothing recognizable. I must’ve looked like a startled fish, sitting there with my lips flapping, because the furrow creasing Rebecca’s forehead deepened.

  In the end, all I could do was stare at her with wide eyes . . . that and burst into tears.

  I was a freaking mess.

  “Shit, Caylee. What’s going on? Did something happen back home? School?” With each addition, I shook my head, still struggling to find the words I’d fixated on all day. It didn’t take her long to mention the source of my problem. “Is it Cooper?” My hands trembled and a strangled sob escaped. “What the hell did he do?”

  Any other time, I’d have laughed over how overly protective she was—how quick she was to threaten a severe ass kicking. Unfortunately, a few choice words and gestures at bodily harm wouldn’t solve this.

  With each passing second I was convinced I’d lost him.

  How the hell did everything fall apart so quickly?

  “I—I . . . we—we . . .” It was almost cringe-worthy how completely incapable of forming a sentence I was. Drawing in a fortifying breath, I tried again. “Everything was perfect. We had the most amazing night together.” My skin flushed, the only telltale sign that I was referring to sex. Unlike Rebecca, I wasn’t as vocal about my exploits. “And then this morning—” Each word came out in jagged spurts, my worry and fear translating into more sobs.

  Placing her arm around me, Rebecca sat quietly, giving me the space to gather my thoughts and pull myself together. The only occasion she’d ever seen me fall apart like this was that first time we talked about Owen and when I’d read her my scholarship essay.

  It was the reason I refused to watch The Fault In Our Stars. Ugly crying was a private thing—reserved to the sanctuary of my bed as I curled up under my covers.

  There was no judgment in her eyes when I eventually glanced up. It’s what gave me the courage to give my trepidation voice.

  “We forgot to use a condom,” I blurted out. The instant it was out—a sense of strange relief flooded me. Rebecca would help me work through this. Fingers crossed she also had advice on how the hell I could broach it with Cooper without him turning around and walking away.

  For the man who hadn’t even wanted our friendship to begin with—there was no denying the paralyzing, sinking feeling that this might be the nail in the coffin for him.

  Flirting was fine.

  Sex was amazing.

  Dating was manageable.

  Throw in the possibility of a baby? Most guys would leave behind smoking skid marks in their mad dash sprint to escape.

  “Oh, shit,” was the only response Rebecca offered, squeezing my hand with her free one. “And I’m guessing Cooper freaked out?”

  It made me feel a little guilty that both our first reactions were that he wouldn’t be able to handle it—acting instead like a commitment phobic asshole that tucked tail and ran when things got messy. It wasn’t because we believed him to be that kind of jerk. We were simply realistic—knowing with his past and baggage, he hated anything that shook his carefully guarded world.

  Who the hell was I kidding?

  I loathed anything I couldn’t control—evident by how my stomach had been in a constant state of knots, my chest feeling as though a ton of bricks had taken up residence there, slowly crushing my ability to breathe. Throw in a headache from Hell and I was a basket case too, flittering over countless scenarios about how my future might now look.

  I made sure to say that, as well. “In all fairness, I don’t know how he’s reacting or even if he’s realized it. I fell asleep last night and when I woke up, he was gone. He’d left a note about calling me later and that he loved me . . . so there is that. I’m the one that’s having a solitary pity party for one here.” Gesturing to my textbook, I snorted. “I thought if I could study, it would help keep me distracted until I had a chance to see him in person, but yeah . . . hours of reading and I can’t remember a damn thing!” Tears threatened to spill again. Biting the inside of my cheek, I chided myself. I needed to keep it together.

  Hysterics wouldn’t solve the problem—if there in fact was one.

  Who knew? Maybe he’d have the nerves of steel, and I was overreacting over nothing.

  “Have you called him? Texted?” I appreciated her calm, matter-of-fact manner. It was the glue holding me together. I dropped my gaze to my lap and shook my head. “Oh, Caylee. Why not?”

  The reason why had shown me just how deeply I had fallen in love with the man and how terrified I was of losing him. “What if he leaves, Rebecca? What happens if he decides this is too much drama for him?” My confessions came out in whispers as if I was afraid the walls would take my admissions and shout them from the rooftop.

  “First of all, I love you. Second, it was just a condom.” When I coughed, shocked that she was so blasé over something that had shaken me to my core, shedding light on every insecurity I had about my relationship with Cooper, she held her hand up to stop me from replying. “I know, I know. It’s a big deal. That’s not what I meant. Remove your fear and look at the facts. Shit happens all the time, Caylee. We get caught up in the moment. We forget. We drop the ball. But making yourself sick over this isn’t going to resolve it.” She then held up my phone and I blanched—the screen filled with missed texts and calls from Cooper. “And ignoring your boyfriend won’t either.”

  “In my defense, I didn’t see those!” I exclaimed, and that was the truth. I’d put it on silence last night and with all the distractions of today, hadn’t switched it back to normal.

  Rebecca held onto my cell, not handing it back yet. “Wait a second, let me finish first. You need to call him and have him come over. Then together you’ll work out a plan for the possibilities. Whatever happens, don’t just assume the worst. Have a little faith in him, in yourself, and who you are as a couple. Anyone with eyes can see he freaking adores you. The man was a Marine. The possibility of a baby isn’t the worst thing he’s faced, hun.”

  Each word was like a gentle salve to my heart. They were things I’d tried telling myself—a counterbalance to the insanity inside my head that resembled Chicken Little, the bird hell bent on believing the sky was falling.

  “I hear what you’re saying and I get it, I really do. And I know I’d be telling you the exact same thing if our roles were reversed.” Wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand, I let out a trembling chuckle. “I pride myself on being strong, in being able to keep a level head during a crisis.”

  To which Rebecca let out a pfft sound, waving her hand dismissively. “Dude, no offense, but I’ve been praying for you to have a meltdown like this.”

  “Gee, thanks. Friend much?” Slowly but surely my heart stopped racing.

  “Noooo,” she drawled, rolling her eyes as she bumped against me affectionately. “What I meant was you can’t always have your shit together. It’s called being human. I was beginning to think I was sharing a house with a robot or cyborg or something?”

  “Uh, thanks?” Rebecca sure did have a way of saying things.

  “You know what I mean, you brat. Just know it’s fine to not be okay over things . . . to be scared and confused. Just don’t suffer alone. Share the wealth. I consider you my best friend . . . my sister-from-another-mister. I’m not just here for my looks, my witty commentary on all the adventures of Stephen Amell, or even my dazzling cooking skills. I’m here for you—anytime—no matter what.”

  When she glared at me, my lips quivered—message received.

  “Thank you,” I whispered and exhaled one long, exhausted, drawn out breath. I already felt immensely better. “Can I have my phone back now?”

  “Are you going to use it to call Cooper?” She held it in between us, still gripped tightly in her hand. I wouldn’t put it past her to withhold it until I answered her correctly.

  “Yes, Ma’am,” I answered obediently. Now that my common
sense had returned, it was the next thing on my list of priorities.

  She eyed me cautiously, still not sure. “And if he does freak, we’ll help him through it. Deal?”

  I burst into laughter. Man, I loved this girl. I didn’t know how I’d lived life without her in it. “Deal.”

  “If who freaks?”

  I wasn’t the only one who squeaked, jumping at the sound of Cooper’s voice suddenly appearing. The man needed a damn bell around his neck or something. He had the bad habit of simply showing up at the most unexpected times.

  “And that’s my cue to go finish making lunch,” Rebecca answered, stopping long enough to hand over my phone before escaping into the kitchen. The expression of confusion on Cooper’s face was almost comical.

  It wasn’t the first time he’d worn it around Rebecca, either.

  “Hey,” I murmured.

  “Hey.”

  He hadn’t moved and I desperately tried not to take that as a sign. On any given day, Cooper was a hard man to read, his ability to hide his emotions behind a well-constructed façade, impeccable. It didn’t stop me from wishing, just once, he’d let it slip somewhat and give me a glimpse at what was happening behind that wall.

  It made moments like this infuriating because I was pretty sure everything I was feeling was displayed across my face for all to see and interpret.

  “I’m sorry I missed your calls and texts,” I ventured, studying him. Judging from the time, he was probably on his lunch break—still in the casual clothes he wore to work. Dressed in a long-sleeve button up shirt, dusty jeans, and boots, I was surprised he wasn’t hot being so covered up, especially working out in the sun. I’d asked him once about it and he’d answered that it helped protect him from getting burned.

  It made sense, but it still had me feeling bad for him.

  I hated sweating—almost as much as I loathed the silence now between us.

  He knew. The way his eyes never left mine. He knew and the only question now was whether this would end in more tears.

  I wasn’t ready to let him go.

  “You going to keep standing there?” I joked, trying to infuse the moment with humor and failing abysmally. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to go and that I understood, but I didn’t because mingled in all the confusion and hopeless need to make this magically disappear, a new emotion surfaced.

  Annoyance—at him and me.

  Him, because I wasn’t just someone he could dismiss so easily.

  Me, because I refused to let this be the thing that broke me.

  I’d survived the death of my husband and the uncertainty of what my life would be without him in it. I’d risen from the proverbial ashes, stronger for having worked my way through that debilitating grief. I’d found love again. The possibility of having a baby was just as scary and unknown to me, yet I was willing to accept whatever the future brought with this new plot twist.

  And damn it, Rebecca was right. He was a blasted Marine. He’d faced down the enemy, looked death straight in the eye. Yes, he limped away, barely whole, but I believed in him—in us.

  I didn’t want a perfect life.

  I wanted one with him. No matter how that life was.

  When Cooper didn’t move, still silently scrutinizing me, I decided to do the same. Childish or not, he needed to make that first move. He’d wanted to talk . . . he’d even come over. If all he was going to do was stare, then tit-for-tat.

  I finally caved. “You’re making me nervous, Cooper. Can you please come sit down? We need to talk.” And with baited breath, I watched as he took that first step forward.

  If he sat in the chair across from me, it was yet more proof he was trying to place distance between us and all my assumptions had been spot on. I’d had enough therapy sessions back home to know the signs and understand reality.

  If he sat beside me, close enough to touch; it would give me hope enough that we’d get through this. It might be somewhat messy, but we’d make it.

  Please, Cooper, I begged inwardly, closing my eyes at the last moment in a desperate attempt to hide from a possible truth. It wasn’t cowardly when you were trying to protect your heart from shattering.

  When the cushion beside me dipped under his weight, I almost lost it again—this time in blessed relief.

  Slowly opening my eyes, I found him looking at me with unbridled concern—much like the expression Rebecca had worn earlier, making me want to excuse myself and go look in the mirror.

  “You’ve got me worried,” was all he said. Cooper glanced down at my hand. He appeared hesitant as if he wanted to reach out and touch me, but wasn’t sure. It was a complete switch from last night when there were moments I hadn’t known where he ended and I began.

  “Me?” I exclaimed, not even bothering to hide my disbelief. I was not the flight risk between the two of us.

  “Of course. I call and text with no response and then when I show up, no one answers the door, even though your car’s outside.”

  And just like that, I felt like an idiot. All this time I’d agonized over things, without realizing how it might look entirely different to him. I’d given into my own anxieties.

  “I come inside, thinking you’re busy or got your headphones in so you couldn’t hear and I find you and Rebecca deep in a conversation that’s obviously upset you.” He finally leaned in and lovingly traced this finger over my cheek. “If your puffy eyes weren’t a dead give away, sweetheart, the tear streaks are.”

  My mouth formed an O. It was the best I could do, as I peered at him in a new light. I’d gotten it so wrong. Sure, we hadn’t even begun to really talk yet, but if this was any indication . . . yeah, I’d missed the mark horribly.

  It renewed my faith, encouragement enough to lower my defenses.

  “Caylee?” The sound of my name brought my attention back to his lips before my gaze rose higher to his eyes. There was nothing scary there—no dismissal or regret. “I was halfway home this morning when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m sorry I didn’t come straight back. I should’ve.”

  My bottom lip trembled as I bit at the inside. “I should’ve called.”

  “We could sit here and play the should game or we can accept that we needed some time to figure it out ourselves before we talked together.”

  My heart thudded, the sickening sensation returning to my stomach. There it was—the opening to the inevitable things are moving to fast. Maybe we should slow things down . . . keep things casual speech I’d been mentally preparing for.

  Here was the other shoe dropping moment I’d been anticipating. There must be some kind of messed up law that stated whenever things became too amazing, life would then throw a curve ball that threatened to destroy all that person’s happiness—stripping all the goodness away in one cruel blow.

  “Whoa, what did you just think?” Again, his question ripped me from being stuck inside my own head. “Whatever it was, tell me, because I don’t like the way it made you look.”

  Part of me didn’t know if I was brave enough to say it out loud. “We forgot to use condoms last night.”

  I had no idea how he heard my muffled, barely-whispered response, but he did. “And?” He held my gaze boldly and refused to let me break contact. When I tried, he simply placed his finger under my chin until it returned.

  “And, here’s your chance to leave.” There was no chance of disguising the anguish in my voice or the startled flinch from Cooper. In fact, he looked speechless, baffled that that’s where I’d taken the discussion. “Face it, Cooper. You didn’t even want to be friends in the beginning. I understand if this is too much.”

  My reasoning had been solid when I spoke it to Rebecca.

  Now it sounded weak—hollow and less like truth and more like my own insecurity.

  The muscles along the bottom of his face tightened. I could see the hurt that flashed in his eyes and the way he kept blinking as though he couldn’t quite comprehend what had just happened.

  Closing my eye
s, realization dawned on me.

  He wasn’t going to leave. He’d come over to talk it through, but because I’d allowed my own fears to take over, I’d revealed my own doubts in us.

  In him.

  There were only a few situations where I’d wished with every fiber of my being that I could take back something careless I’d said without thinking.

  This was now added to that list.

  His response could’ve knocked me over with a feather. “Honestly? I was an asshole then. You should’ve gotten up and run to your car, grateful that you dodged a bullet.” We both winced at his last choice of words but it didn’t prevent him from continuing. “I know I’m not an easy person to be with, but Caylee, I thought you knew how crazy I am about you. How incredibly happy I’ve been since we’ve been together.”

  Movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention. It was Rebecca creeping past the living room entrance, on her way out. She paused long enough to mime, I told you so, her mouth forming each word in an exaggerated fashion.

  Sooner or later, we’d need to get a sign to flash at each other whenever this happened in the future.

  New tears fell.

  “I feel so foolish,” I admitted.

  “Why? I know who and how I am, sweetheart. I’m not easy. Another time, you’d have been spot on with how you thought I’d react. Hell, I’ve walked away from relationships for less. But hear me, now, Caylee Sawyer. I am yours. Yes, I spook, but I’m also learning. Some things are worth fighting for. So, while I can’t promise to always act like a mature adult and you might have to beat me over the head until I start seeing sense, I’m not ready to say goodbye to you.” He pressed his lips against mine in the sweetest kiss we’d ever shared. It was oh-so light, but it held the promise he’d spoken.

  It was one that whispered peace to my heart.

  It was one that washed away the worry that had churned furiously inside me as if it had never been there.

  “Caylee?” Cooper murmured over my mouth, reluctant to move away.