Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  “If he only knew how lucky he was. If he had just shown you some appreciation. He should tell you you’re beautiful twelve times a day.”

  “Stop it!” I couldn’t allow myself to go there anymore. I couldn’t pretend it was true anymore. I couldn’t blame Rick for what I had done for one more second.

  “Okay. I’ll stop.”

  There was a long pause and just as I was trying to convince myself to say goodbye a new message appeared.

  “So did you get the CD from your box at school?”

  “Yes, I have it.”

  “Have you listened to it yet? This version sounds much better.”

  “No I haven’t.”

  I pushed the keyboard away and reached into the bottom desk drawer, where the unlabeled CD sat atop a pile of old photos. I lifted the disk out of the drawer and set it on the desk in front of me. As I moved to close the drawer, a photo of Sam on the day he was born caught my attention. It reminded me of how deeply I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on his wrinkly purple face. I grabbed the stack of pictures and started to flip through them. Family vacations. Birthdays. Mostly fake smiles. Memories of the disagreements and exhausting party planning that preceded those seemingly happy moments.

  Looking back at the computer screen, I wondered if Dave was busy writing another one of his long, pleading messages. Another demand to see me, or attempt to convince me that he is the answer to all my problems. I continued to flip through the photographs, stopping on one I couldn’t remember. The background was unfamiliar and it was older than the others, from before the kids. Rick was kissing my cheek while I looked straight ahead, a grin on my face that went on for miles, a genuine one too, one that would make you think, “that woman is really in love, really happy.”

  I was dizzy. Still nothing from Dave. Sucking in gulps of air, every system in my body in overdrive, my shaky hands finally typed the letters I had been begging them to type for two weeks.

  “It’s over. This is goodbye. Don’t contact me ever again.”

  I signed off, deleted his last email and changed all my preferences to block his emails and instant messages. After cutting the CD into tiny pieces, I swept them over the edge of the desk and into the trash can. Then I curled my legs into my body in a fetal position and rocked myself back and forth, humming the lullaby I always sang to the boys to get them to sleep.

  Chapter 31

  The sprinkles of boiling water hit my right forearm as I dropped the spaghetti into the pot. “Ouch.” He pretended not to hear me. I struggled to get the jar of sauce open and I knew he could see me from the corner of his eye. Without looking at me, he took it from my hands and gave the lid a forceful twist. Then he set it on the counter in front of me rather than putting it back into my hands. I tried to get him to make eye contact but he kept his eyes on the tomatoes he was chopping. Despite my swollen eyes, I needed him to look at me, to start to see me again.

  I peeked around the corner into the living room to see what the kids were doing. Sam was taunting Jack by wiggling his fingers in front of his face. Jack was batting at the fingers, pretending to be annoyed, but clearly enjoying the game.

  “I can’t do this anymore Rick.” I spoke in a low whisper.

  He didn’t respond.

  “We have to talk. It’s been two weeks.”

  “Can you hand me the bread knife?”

  “No, Rick. Did you hear me? You have to stop this torture.” He leaned past me to get the knife himself. I imagined him stabbing me with it repeatedly as the kids watched in horror.

  “It’s unbearable. I’m in so much pain. I know you are too… we need help.”

  Another quick check on the boys. Now Jack was chasing after Sam threatening to wipe fresh picked boogers on him. I started to open my mouth to reprimand Jack, but the words wouldn’t come and my body carried me back to Rick. I tried again to get him to meet my eyes, but he refused.

  “I know what I did was wrong, but it’s over and we have to deal with the situation.” My body started to shake as the words “it’s over” came out. He cut the bread into thin, even slices.

  “Shelly keeps telling me about how great her therapist is. I told her you would never go, but things are so bad now, would you consider… ”

  “No.” He said it with such disgust, such certainty, it felt like a coffin door shutting on my face.

  “But why? I don’t under… ”

  “You’re asking me why? Are you kidding? Like I would ever go to Shelly’s therapist.”

  “What do you have against Shelly? What did she ever… ”

  “I’m not stupid. I’m sure your partner in crime gives you all kinds of suggestions. I bet she egged you on when you were screwing your little boyfriend.”

  “Please not so loud. The kids.” I peered at them and saw Sam looking in our direction with a suspicious expression.

  “Dinner’s almost ready guys.” I hoped my cheery tone was believable. I watched as Sam sat down in front of a half finished puzzle and picked up a piece to search for its home while Jack pulled tissues out of their box one by one and tossed them around the room.

  “You’re wrong about Shelly. You have no idea. She actually tried to stop me, tried to get me to see what a big mistake I was making.”

  “Oh yeah, is that why she let you use her as a cover for the night you were with him?” I covered my mouth and opened my eyes wide.

  “Oh my God. You think? You thought she? She had no idea. She never gave me permission to tell you I was with her.”

  He didn’t have any reason to believe me, but I could see in his eyes that he did.

  “Rick, I lied to everyone. But no more. It hurt me too. I know now I can’t live that way. It’s not who I am. I want us to start talking again, honestly. I need to know what you’re planning.”

  This time Rick looked in on the boys. Whatever he saw allowed him to turn his attention back to me.

  “I don’t know what I’m planning. I don’t know what the hell to do. I still can’t believe you did this to me, to all of us.” I opened my mouth to respond, but he turned and walked toward the kids.

  “Set the table now, Sam.” I wondered if Rick thought he had actually hidden the anger in his voice. With that firm command, Sam got right up and got to work. When he came into the kitchen, the look in his eyes twisted my heart. He knew something was very wrong, but this time even he was too afraid to ask.

  Chapter 32

  I sat alone in the small rectangular waiting room, staring at the stream of water rolling over a stairway of rocks in the little fountain on the table. I fidgeted in my seat as I read the pink and brown business card yet again. It was as if I thought new information about her would appear if I just read it one more time. But it had the same brief message, entirely insufficient in my opinion. Carly Schafer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. A phone number and an address. Waves of nausea traveled from the pit of my stomach to my throat.

  Hope soared in my chest as I watched the doorknob turn in slow motion. That hope was quickly shattered as a woman in a gray business suit and purple pumps entered the room and sat across from me. I gave her a forced smile and returned to studying the business card. Just face it, I told myself. He’s not coming. He didn’t even acknowledge getting your email about the appointment.

  When Carly came out to the waiting room, I tried not to be obvious in my assessment of her physical appearance. Shelly hadn’t told me she was so attractive. She was at least a decade older than me, but beautiful and graceful. She smiled with her entire face and ushered me into her office.

  It was clear that I was supposed to sit on the small love seat while she sat in a plush office chair directly across from me. My eyes were drawn to a painting of a man alone at sea in a small boat with a sky that looked like it was made of flames. I wondered what meaning it held for Carly, and for all the poor tortured souls who regularly sat in the space I now occupied. Just as I settled into my seat, I heard the squeaky echo of the waiting room door
opening. I sat up straight and looked into Carly’s eyes with anticipation and a little fear. She walked out of her office without a word. I tried to calm myself as she returned with Rick behind her.

  He sat down, as far from me as possible on the tiny couch. A box of tissues waited on a small leather ottoman that sat between us.

  She searched our faces and the awkwardness of the silence became unbearable. It seemed ridiculous to me. A married couple unable to communicate with one another but waiting to spill their most intimate secrets to a perfect stranger. I wanted to run.

  “So,” I said, not having any idea where I planned to go with it. Her eyes were filled with compassion as she looked at both of us.

  “So, why don’t you tell me about what’s been going on.” Her voice was like soft serve vanilla ice cream. It made my shoulders drop. I looked at Rick, wanting him to start. He looked at me, shook his head just a little, and looked at Carly.

  “She had an affair.”

  I gasped. “No. Wait. It’s not like that. I didn’t even have sex with him. I mean, it was… oh my God, Rick. I can’t believe you said that.” He kept his gaze on her.

  “I don’t know what else to say. It’s true. That’s why we’re here.”

  I felt like a naked schoolgirl. I figured I didn’t have a shot at making her like me now. She remained silent with the same unfazed look on her face.

  “That’s not the only reason we’re here,” I said. “It’s complicated. Things haven’t been good between us for a long time. This thing that happened… well, there were all kinds of problems even before that.”

  We sat in silence again. I looked at Carly, my eyes begging her to help. I was exposed. I knew I couldn’t play the game with her. She drew in a long breath before speaking.

  “First of all, I want both of you to know there is no judgment here. I’ve been counseling couples for almost 20 years.” My eyes fell onto the simple gold band around her ring finger. She caught me.

  “And I’ve been married for a long time myself.”

  “Do you have kids?” I immediately chided myself for asking, worried that I might be breaking some cardinal rule about invading the boundaries of a therapist’s private life.

  The corners of her mouth lifted and I knew the answer.

  “Sam is in his first year at UCLA and Katelyn, well, she’s a struggling musician but we’re hoping she’ll find her way.” Rick turned to me with a half smile. I realized it was probably the first one I had seen in the time since that awful night.

  “Did you say Sam?” he asked her.

  “Yes, I said Sam, why?”

  “Well, our son, our oldest, his name is Sam, too.” Rick uncrossed his arms.

  She smiled and made a barely detectable “hmm” sound. It felt like that moment during a first date when you hit on something that you have in common and suddenly you can be yourself again.

  “Beth, why don’t you tell me why you think you did what you did… and what led up to it.”

  “Well, it’s not something I ever thought I would do. It’s hard to explain.” I looked down at the floor.

  “Beth?” I moved my eyes to meet hers.

  “Are you ready to tell the truth? There’s no point in being here if you’re not.” I nodded.

  “It’s so cliché, you know? I craved attention, affection, someone to kiss me passionately and take an interest in my life, my dreams, my feelings.” I stopped briefly but no one spoke so I went on.

  “But I know there’s more to it than that. I guess I’ve always felt like there’s this hole inside me. Even when I was young, the way I needed boyfriends to validate me, the way I would do or give anything to my friends just to get their approval… and my parents… I mean when I was younger, they just weren’t equipped to give me what I needed emotionally.” My eyes started to burn and I reached for a tissue to dab the wet corners.

  Rick was looking at me now. I continued to stare at the floor, mopping my eyes.

  “When I met Rick… ” I laughed, allowing myself to remember how it felt.

  “He was everything to me. He was my knight in shining armor. He filled the hole and then some. We were so connected.” I could see him nodding beside me.

  “But it faded, over time. There was no way the intensity of it could last. And then the kids came along. You know how that is.” I looked up to see complete understanding in her eyes.

  “Maybe I started to use the boys to fill the hole. The kids became my entire life, especially when they were first born, the nursing, the cuddling, it was all consuming. I forgot about being a wife. I also forgot about everything that came before the kids - my career, my health, most of my friends.” Rick sighed. I looked at him and saw the feeling of validation in his face. I waited. Carly turned toward him.

  “How does it make you feel to hear what Beth is saying?”

  “It feels good. I’ve always told her she needed to have more balance and to be more confident in herself.” Rage roared in my chest.

  “You’ve always told me… you’ve always told me… you’re not my fucking father!”

  “Well it’s too bad I’m not, maybe you wouldn’t be so goddamn messed up.”

  We both looked at Carly, waiting for her reprimand. But she still appeared calm and even a little pleased. She smiled and inhaled deeply before speaking.

  “Can I ask a favor of you both? When we’re together, and even when you’re not in this office, I’d like you to avoid blaming and attacking one another. Any of your own feelings, experiences and hurts are open for discussion, but blame and criticism won’t get us anywhere.”

  “I’m sorry,” Rick said.

  “Rick you referred to Beth as messed up. What makes you feel that way?”

  “She said herself she’s got a hole inside her.” Carly nodded with a strange enthusiasm.

  “Yes, she did say that, didn’t she? Do you ever feel that way too, Rick? Have you ever felt like something is missing in your life? Like maybe there was something more you were supposed to do or be or have?”

  “Hell yeah. Especially now.” She nodded that same nod and it brought me great relief. I realized my hole theory might apply to more than just me.

  “Let’s let Beth explain her experience a little more with no attacks or criticism.” Rick hung his head low and moved it up and down, a schoolchild scolded for not playing nice on the playground. It felt strange that I wasn’t being singled out as the villain, as I had expected. She focused her attention back toward me.

  “In your life, have their been other things you’ve tried to fill this hole with? Other than people?”

  “Yes, definitely, lots of things. Food is certainly one of them.” She couldn’t help but survey my physical form.

  “Well I’ve kept it under control for a while. Up until recently, it had been a long time since I even felt the temptation to.... ” The word stopped short of my vocal cords. It took effort to push it through.

  “Binge.”

  The shame of admitting that I was a binger in front of Rick made my temples ache. He turned toward me.

  “I never knew.”

  “Well of course not, I hid it. But you’ve seen me go up and down over the years. How did you think I put on all that weight after the kids?”

  “It didn’t seem like that much to me. I thought it was just the baby weight you always hear about, and that you just needed to exercise more. Actually, I never really thought about it much. I guess there are a lot of things we don’t know about each other.” His eyes met Carly’s with an intense stare and my stomach twisted.

  “So, what do we do? Where do we go from here?” Rick asked.

  “Well I need to understand your situation better, but based on what I’ve heard so far, my recommendation would be for each of you to start seeing me individually as well as coming in as a couple. With Beth, we would need to explore healthy ways for her to fill herself up.” She paused and then turned her body toward Rick, searching his eyes as if to see if it was safe to say what sh
e was about to say.

  “You’ve been hurt and betrayed and it’s hard to heal that kind of injury and trust again. It’s even harder to do it alone. I’ve worked with individuals who want to heal the pain of infidelity and build a new relationship.” His eyes fell on the box of tissues and for a second I thought he was about to take one.

  “But there’s more, Rick. When one partner is unfaithful, it means the relationship itself was already broken before anything happened. And both parties contribute to that. If you choose therapy, with me or anyone else, you’ll have to look honestly at your part in neglecting your marriage and losing the emotional intimacy with your wife.” He let out a long, loud breath. I was thankful for what she said, but I hurt for him, too.

  “In sessions with all three of us, we would need to renegotiate a brand new relationship. One hundred percent new. Nothing of the old Beth and Rick can remain. It has to be a new relationship based on honesty and mutual respect. A relationship in which each of you would be able to ask the other for what you need. But also a relationship that allows for each of you to have full and rewarding lives as individuals.” She hesitated, with a somber, almost pained look on her face.

  “So, each of you has a big decision to make. You need to decide if you’re willing to do the work. It’s hard work. It’s draining work. You’ll want to give up many times along the way. But, I think you have the potential. There are no guarantees, of course. If nothing else, you’ll come out understanding yourselves and each other better. And that’s important because even if you don’t stay together, you’ll always have to co-parent.” She turned toward me and leaned her chair in closer.

  “Beth, are you willing to do the work?” Tears spilled down my cheeks.

  “Yes. Yes I am. I want to. More than anything.” She scooted toward Rick.

  “Rick?” He didn’t answer. He stared out the window. Time moved like molasses as I sopped up my drenched cheeks. I wanted to look at him, to plead with him, but I feared that my hideous face would push him in the other direction. He stood up and walked toward the window. Then he turned to me. The slivers of sunlight peeking through the blinds splashed vertical lines across his face.