Still Waters

by Rebecca Addison

  “Do you go and see her much?”

  The words come out croaky and thick, and I swallow the lump in my throat.

  “Yes. But she doesn’t know who I am anymore. I try to visit every month, just in case the next time I go is the one time she remembers me.”

  “You must miss her.”

  “I miss how she used to be. She was funny and clever. Everyone loved her. The house was always full of people back then. So,” he says, looking down and raising an eyebrow when he meets my eyes. “Who’s looking for you? Are you in trouble? Or some kind of danger?”

  He goes tense when he says the word ‘danger’ and I want to be quick to reassure him, because I don’t want him to go back to that guy I first met – the one wound as tight as a spring.

  “I’m not in any danger, Crew,” I whisper. “I ran away.”

  He picks up the hand I’ve left on his arm and threads his fingers through mine.

  “From what?”

  “Remember the problems with my employer that I told you about earlier? My employer was my dad, and I used to work for the research and development part of the company. It’s an old family business. A big one, Crew, one that employs thousands of people.”

  “So is your dad trying to get you to come back to work for him?” he says, and I think I hear a hint of disappointment in his voice.

  “No. I found out something that makes it impossible for me to keep working there, and I think my dad just wants to make sure I’m going to keep my mouth shut.”

  “Do your people know where you are? Maybe the messages are because they’re worried, or because they’re sorry, and they want you to come home.”

  I shake my head sadly, wishing that were true. I pick up my phone and press the button for the first message then put it on loudspeaker so that Crew can hear. My dad’s voice suddenly fills the cubby house. His words are clipped and angry; he speaks like he’s shooting bullets.

  “Hartley, this is your father. I’m getting tired of this little game you’re playing. I know what you have with you, and I expect you to return it to the lab immediately. Courier it if you can’t be bothered delivering it yourself. I don’t care.”

  The line goes dead. Next to me Crew sucks in his breath sharply. I press the next message and hold the phone up.

  “Hartley, it’s David. I can’t believe you did this. You’re selfish, you realize that don’t you? Your mother is worried about you, and so is Marta. I’ve put up with these spontaneous adventures you always want to go on and the impulsive decisions you make for years now, but you know what? I’m losing patience. You know how I feel about bad language, Hartley, but frankly, you’re being a bitch. We have tickets to the hospital benefit on Saturday, and I expect to see you at the company table at 6 pm sharp, wearing something decent. Oh, and do something with your hair for once.”

  I turn the phone off, putting it down on the mattress. Next to me, Crew is silent. He’s breathing heavily, his arms pressing into mine as his chest expands and deflates.

  “Hartley,” he says finally as he lets go of my hand and reaches over to turn my face to him. “Please don’t tell me that you’re with that guy.”

  I don’t say anything, and he sighs. His eyes are desperately searching mine for answers.

  “You let him speak to you like that?” he says, his voice suddenly hard and cold.

  “He’s just angry,” I mutter and next to me Crew groans in exasperation.

  “You’re defending him? He called you a bitch, Hartley.”

  “David was hand picked by my parents to be my first real boyfriend. They brought him over to the house to be my ‘tennis partner’. I don’t play tennis, Crew. He was good looking and said all of the right things, and I guess I just went along with it. Our relationship made everyone happy, and it felt like too much of a fight to change it.”

  I close my mouth and press my lips together to keep myself from saying any more. I didn’t realize until this moment that I felt that way about David. Was I really involved in a relationship for four years just to keep my parents happy?

  “What about you?” he says, the warmth returning to his voice. “Did it make you happy?”

  I shrug my shoulders and look up into his eyes. “Sometimes. But there was a lot of unhappiness too.”

  He nods like he understands.

  “Can I ask you something now?” I look across at him, and he raises his eyebrows and nods. He’s wary.

  “At the beach you said you had to be down in South America for work soon.”

  He sighs and nods his head.

  “Look, I don’t want to seem presumptuous or anything, but I really like you Crew, and if you’re not going to be back in Twin Heads for months then I think we should be careful. If we can only be friends, then we need to stick to that. For my sake, if not yours.” He looks over at me and frowns a little, and I think he’s deciding whether to tell me the truth or not.

  “My job does mean I have to travel a lot. I can’t really change that. But I do have some flexibility and unless there’s an emergency I can run things from pretty much anywhere.”

  “Is your plan still to fly back in a couple of days?”

  “Honestly? I’m not sure what my plans are. I try not to think too far in advance about anything. But I can tell you that things are going really well with the project, so it’s not impossible for me to stick around for a while. What about you? Do you ever think about going home?”

  That’s the one question that I have no trouble answering.

  “No. I moved here for a fresh start. I’m not looking back.”

  What I don’t say is that since I moved to Twin Heads it’s like I can see everything clearly for the first time in years. It’s as if I was living my life wearing someone else’s glasses. Things that should have been clear to me were out of focus, and I missed important warning signs that were right under my nose.

  Crew leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes.

  “That’s good,” he says quietly, and his shoulders relax. “That means I can do this.” He opens his eyes and turns his body to face me. The beat of my heart doubles its pace in a split second. He places his big hands on either side of my face and brushes a curl away from my eye with his finger.

  “I’ve been wanting to kiss you again all night,” he murmurs and looks down at my mouth. “You and I can never be just friends.”

  I shake my head inside his hands. I know it as well as he does. There’s something between us that I’ve never felt before, something that for once I can’t explain away or look up in a book. It feels like magic. He leans in and sighs a little when his lips finally press against mine. He tastes of salt and wind and sea. He kisses me slowly, as if there’s no rush because we both know that there will be many more kisses to come. I reach my hands around his shoulders and thread my fingers through the dark hair at the nape of his neck, and he takes his hands from my face and wraps them around my back. Out there somewhere I’m vaguely aware of the sound of Eleanor talking urgently to Jake about something, but I can’t focus on anything other than the feeling of Crew’s mouth against mine. All I want to do is lean back on the mattress under us and pull him with me. But then something Jake says makes Crew jump a little, and he starts to pull away. Eleanor’s voice is loud and clear now; she’s calling for me to get out. She sounds worried and a little pissed off. I look around our little house made for two and realize that it’s lit up inside like a lantern. Sometime in the middle of our kiss the power came back on. And we didn’t even notice.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Crew

  “Did you see that?” I say to Jake after we’ve watched the girls drive away.

  “See what?”

  He shuts the door and slides the deadbolt into place.

  “Come on man, you saw it. What’s the deal with her?”

  Jake turns around and gives me a look.

  “Eleanor is just looking out for her friend.”

  At least he has the decency to look a
little apologetic when he says it.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing. It means nothing. She’s Hartley’s best friend, so she’s going to be a little protective. That’s all.”

  “Nope,” I shake my head, “that’s not it. I saw the look on her face when I walked out of the back room tonight. Then when Hart and I climbed out from under the blankets, she completely changed as soon as she saw me. The second she saw my face she looked angry.”

  He runs his hands through his hair and groans in frustration.

  “Dude, I really don’t want to get into this with you tonight. Can we just get out of here? There’s only a few hours until I’ve got to be back here, opening up again.”

  I know he’s just stating a fact, but it still kicks me in the guts. Jake and I both know that he should be doing a lot more with his life than serving up ice creams in his old man’s shop. He looks over at me and sighs.

  “Listen, man, I didn’t mean it that way.”

  I try to shake it off, but it’s too late. The dark, sick feeling is already winding its way through my belly.

  “We can talk about what happened, you know. It might help you.”

  “I don’t need to talk about it. What does Eleanor know about me?”

  I try to think back to whether I saw her in high school or around Twin Heads but then I realize that if she’s anything like Hartley, she would have graduated high school and been long gone by the time I would have paid any attention to her.

  “Man, how long are you going to keep living like this? Isn’t almost eight years long enough?”

  He walks past me on his way to the counter, collecting candles as he goes.

  “I’ve been seeing a therapist since the week after it happened, man. I’m down to once a month now but when Mom dies, I’ll be back to weekly appointments again.”

  He says it calmly, like he’s resigned himself to the reality of what’s happened in his past and what’s looming in his future.

  “It’s really helped Crew. You need to talk to someone. You’re missing out on your own life.”

  He locks the cash register with a key and flicks off the last light so that we’re facing each other in the dark.

  “What does Eleanor know about me?” I ask again.

  “She knows everything.”

  Jake scoops up his keys and walks through the back room to the door. I follow him, making my way past boxes and cleaning buckets and the enormous freezer full of ice cream that tortured Jake and me when we were boys. I’m confused because my normal reaction to news like this would be to punch a hole in something, or at least take off and drink myself to oblivion. But right now, all I feel is sad.

  Jake opens the door, and we both walk out into the night. The storm has passed but the car park is flooded and ahead of us on the beach I can hear the waves beating the shit out of the shore. Halfway to Jake’s truck he stops walking. I’m behind him, and I can see that he’s dropped his head, and he’s taking big breaths. I hope to God that he’s not crying.

  “Ok, listen,” he says as he turns around and looks at me. “I’ve let you do your own thing for nearly eight years. I didn’t say anything when you skipped town without telling anyone, and I left you alone when you were fucking every girl you met. I even defended you when you took off from my parent’s house and didn’t even tell my mom you were leaving. But this is bullshit, Crew. This is going to stop tonight.”

  I’ve never seen Jake angry like this before. He was always the one who charmed our parents into giving us a lighter punishment or talked me out of trouble with the teachers in school, or later, stopped me from killing someone who looked at me the wrong way in a bar. His jaw is clenched, and he’s pushed his shoulders back like he’s ready for a fight. I realize that if Jake decides to take me on, there’s a very good chance I won’t win.

  “Don’t you think I miss her too you asshole?” he growls. “She was my fucking twin sister! You don’t get to be the only one who’s messed up over losing her.”

  I don’t want to talk about this. I look at his truck and then around at the empty car park. I wish I’d brought my Jeep. He sees me and shakes his head.

  “You’re not taking off his time. We’re going to talk about her. I need to talk about her.”

  The fight has gone out of him, and all that’s left is sadness and a kind of desperation that’s so raw I have to look away. We get in the truck, and he doesn’t make any move to start the engine.

  “Crew, you’re the closest thing I’ve got to a sibling now. I hate seeing you destroy yourself like this. My family has moved on. You need to, too.”

  “I can’t,” I whisper. I can see the piles of blankets that Hartley and I used to make the cubby house through The Sea Shack’s windows. “I don’t know how.”

  Next to me, Jake sighs heavily and puts the key in the ignition. The truck’s engine grumbles and splutters before coming to life. He pulls out of the car park slowly and turns left, in the opposite direction of my house. A minute later we’ve pulled up outside Hartley’s little green cottage. There’s a light on in one of the rooms, and I imagine that she’s sitting up in bed with her glasses on and her wild hair everywhere while she reads a science magazine.

  “Go on,” Jake says as he leans over me and opens my door. I look at him, and he nods in the direction of Hartley’s house. “Crew you’re not going to get anywhere with her unless you’re honest about what you’ve been through.”

  I open my mouth to speak, and he holds up his hand.

  “Don’t even bother, man. I’m not blind. I can see the way you look at her. I want you to give this a shot. Jessie would want you to be happy.”

  And there it is. Her name. Even now, the sound of it takes my breath away. He looks relieved at finally saying it to me after so many years, like a burden has been released. And the weird thing is, hearing her name doesn’t hurt like I thought it would. Jessie. Jessie. Jessie. I look over to the light in Hartley’s window and unclick my seatbelt. I can’t believe I’m about to do this.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, man,” Jake says. “Mom wants to see you before you leave again.”

  Jake knows I don’t want to face his mother, and that’s exactly why he’ll insist I go. I nod, climb out of the truck and quietly shut the door behind me.

  It’s not until I’ve knocked on the door that I realize what Hartley might think of me turning up here in the middle of the night after we’ve already said goodbye. She’s going to think this is a booty call for sure. I’m considering turning around when the outdoor light flicks on, and she opens the door. She’s in a pair of men’s striped pajama bottoms that are too big and a long cardigan pulled over a little white t-shirt. She has her glasses on, and her hair is tied on the top of her head in a knot. She looks adorable. But her face says she’s mortified.

  “Ummm hello,” she says uncertainly, reaching up to pull a pencil out from behind her ear. “I wasn’t expecting you until 8 am.” She wraps the cardigan around her and looks over her shoulder inside the house. “Do you want to come in?”

  I walk inside and close the door behind me. Hartley looks embarrassed like she definitely thinks this is a booty call. I reckon I’ve got seconds before she asks me to leave. “This isn’t what you’re thinking.”

  She raises her eyebrows and gives me a look that can only mean that she thinks I’m full of shit.

  “Jake dropped me off.”

  “So Jake is in on this too is he?”

  She looks unimpressed.

  “I was just going to bed so..”

  I can’t resist it. I have to smile a little at that.

  “Crew! I was going to bed alone. Maybe you should come by in the morning?”

  This is the perfect out for me. It would be too easy to pretend that I’ve turned up on her doorstep just expecting to get laid. I could leave right now, and we’d laugh about it in the morning.

  “I’m not here to have sex with you, Hartley,” I say, and her eyes widen a little
. I’m not sure if she’s just shocked that I said it out loud, or if she’s a little disappointed. I hope it’s the second one.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk? It won’t take long.”

  Except that if I do this right, it will take all night. She nods and leads me down the hall to her bedroom. The house is bone-achingly cold thanks to the wooden floorboards and lack of central heating. I need to do something about some insulation. Her bedroom is at the end of the hallway and unlike the rest of the house, it’s so warm inside it’s just about tropical.

  “Best thing I’ve ever bought,” she says as she looks down at the gas fire she’s set up inside the old stone fireplace. It gives everything in the room a soft orange glow, and long shadows dance across the walls. She climbs onto her bed and lies down. I’m still standing by the door, unsure of what to do. I don’t want her to think that I’ve manipulated my way into her bedroom by telling her I want to “talk”.

  “Come and lie down, Crew,” she yawns. “It’s really late.”

  I kick my shoes off and lie down on her bed so that we’re facing each other. The room is small and dark except for the light of the fire. It reminds me of the confessional my mother made me go into every Sunday when she went through her Roman Catholic phase, and it feels fitting because my confession is sitting right on my lips.

  “Ok,” I begin shakily, closing my eyes. Hartley’s hand reaches over and gently strokes my arm up and down.

  “Start at the beginning,” she whispers.

  And so I do.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Crew

  Eight Years Earlier

  “Mmmmmm, you smell great,” Jessie murmurs in my ear as I pull the strap of her blue dress back up over her shoulder. She’s standing on the second stair, and I’m at the bottom. My shoes are uncomfortable. They’re a pair of my dad’s, and they’re a size too small.