A Grave Situation

by Zoey Kane

  “What, you think you smelled Isobel?” Lacey asked, stepping forward in her fuzzy pajama pants.

  “No, I didn’t!” he said, looking up, his eyes puffy. “I didn’t.”

  “I told you I wasn’t lying about seeing her,” Lacey simply said, and got back into her bed, pulling up her blanket. “Now can I get some more sleep? It’s been a long day … and night.”

  “Go straight to bed,” Dracula ordered Frank. “Tomorrow morning I assume you’re checking out?”

  “I didn’t smell her. She’s not real.” Frank pushed himself off the floor, and Dracula prodded him with a finger to hurry up.

  *

  It was soon another day, the last day of Zo and Claire’s stay at the castle. In their room, Zo was pulling her long hair into a ponytail and Claire was lining her lips.

  “I think I want to spend my last day with Jim. Do you mind, Mom?” Claire snapped the lipstick lid on and looked at her teeth a moment.

  “Not at all.”

  Everyone arrived at the table for breakfast, except Frank. Their host explained that the Fultons’ guests had slept through everything, and were just as shocked as they to hear about the arrests.

  One of the ladies said after checking out, “After hearing all this, I’m so glad I didn’t knock on their door only to find Medusa opening it.”

  A man added, “I always thought Phil took too much pleasure putting a worm on his fishing hook.”

  The four friends laughed.

  Another said, “Well, I plan to give him a bill for my mother’s cat Fluffy.”

  “Oh,” said his wife. “Your mother’s cat died before any of this cat stealing ever happened.”

  “Yeah, but Phil won’t know the difference!”

  Loud laughter all around.

  They grabbed their coats out of a coat room and were immediately off on their way.

  Back in the dining room, Lenora said, “You know, I have a confession…” She paused buttering her toast.

  “A confession?” Zo’s eyes widened, sitting across from her.

  “We hired Mr. Federbal here…” She pointed to him with the butter knife. “To investigate the cat killings. You know, since I was suspected of being a vampire, snacking on cats.”

  “Ooooo hoo hoo hoo,” laughed Beth, eyes crinkled and mouth drawn tight.

  “Not funny, sister!”

  Federbal held a piece of breakfast steak with his fork as he talked. “I could not for the life of me figure out why anyone would kill so many cats, unless it was a practicing serial killer who’d change up to people eventually.”

  “You see your theory was correct, then, Mr. Federbal,” acknowledged Claire, leaning in toward him. “Cocoa did start killing people.”

  They each somberly agreed, nodding.

  Lenora said a moment later, “We have an announcement to make.”

  The sisters looked at each other with smiles.

  “Yes,” continued Beth. “Lenora and I are best friends in the whole world with Gus.” They each put a right hand forward, wagging glittering birth stones. “I’m July. Ruby.”

  “And I’m January,” Lenora said. “So I have a garnet.”

  Everybody’s eyes opened wide with comments:

  “Really!”

  “My goodness!”

  “Wow!”

  “We are lady bachelors, set in our ways and always will be,” Beth went on. “But we both love our dear friend Gus.”

  Federbal chewed another bite and talked with his mouth full. “And I love them,” he confirmed. “I’m going to go get Elmer and buy a house next to the sisters. Edna, their next door neighbor, says she’s putting her house up for sale ASAP.”

  “Really?” Claire said, knowingly.

  “She says she’s moving out of California to a cheaper state, so she can pay off a house and have money left over.” He swallowed and took a sip of water. “I told her I’d buy the house. I can do repairs and paint it up. It will be my hobby. We can all have happy holidays together. Elmer and I will never be lonely with my two best friends just next door.” He busied himself cutting another piece of steak.

  “I am so happy for you,” exclaimed Zo. “We all are!”

  Everyone soon finished breakfast and went on their way, except for the Kanes, who took a moment to sip their mint-and-lemon herb tea.

  When the two reached the bottom of the stairs, beside the foyer, they caught Dracula with Frank.

  “I’m terribly sorry,” Frank said, truly looking humbled. His dark eyes veered down at the ground as he repeated his apologies.

  “You are still checking out thizz morning,” their host said.

  “Fair enough … I’ll rent a little room at the Days Inn. I think I want to put away my phony-ghost detecting and walk along the ocean front.”

  There was a sudden loud knocking on the door, interrupting things. Dracula opened it to reveal two officers, their car parked on the road with flashing lights.

  “Good morning,” Dracula said. “What is this?”

  One said, “We’re here for a Mr. Frank Zalinski.”

  Dracula opened the door wider and motioned for them to come in. He then pointed at Frank, and said, “There he izz.”

  Frank’s eyes were big as he slowly started stepping backwards up the staircase.

  Zo and Claire watched in anticipation.

  “Frank Zalinski?” the taller officer asked.

  “Yes?” He paused his steps.

  “You’re under arrest.”

  “Under what allegations?” he asked.

  “Grave robbery…”

  TWENTY-FIVE

  “You told on me?” Frank snarled at Zo and Claire. “It was your idea.”

  The shorter officer said to Frank, “We found your suitcase at the scene. On the tags it had your name. Inside, you had booking receipts for your stay here. We put one and one together.”

  As Frank was cuffed, his face turned red, and his eyes were like daggers, staring down the Kanes.

  “Officers…” Zo stepped forward. “Frank is right. It was our idea, and he just pushed his way into the middle of things.”

  Claire bit her tongue, wondering why her mother would admit to such a thing. Didn’t she know it would get them arrested too?

  “See, it was their idea!” Frank said.

  “All right, settle down,” the officer restraining Frank ordered. “Where’s the Bible and the ring? Come on, everyone knows that’s all the seaman had on him.”

  “The ring’s in my right pocket,” Frank said.

  The officer holding him shoved a hand into Frank’s black jeans and pulled it out.

  Zo said, “The Bible is on my nightstand. I had planned on returning it to Ted Miller.”

  “Who’s Ted Miller?” the taller one asked, pulling cuffs off his belt.

  “That’s the name of the Stranger, the infamous man who was washed up dead at sea,” she said.

  The man didn’t seem to believe her. He just came right over and cuffed Zo to Claire. The restraint was cold against their wrists, put on tightly. The officer then prodded them to go upstairs to get the Bible.

  Zo glanced over her shoulder on the way up. Dracula shook his head with sadness.

  Frank, Zo and Claire soon sat three-in-a-row in the back of the cop car. Then they were off to the station to be placed in their holding cells.

  “This isn’t how I expected our vacation to end,” Claire said, still cuffed to her mother, standing at a counter with a couple bins ready for their shoes and jewelry.

  “Don’t be too scared, darling,” Zo said. “See, so far, it’s like being at the airport.” She pulled off her belt and put it in a bin.

  “That doesn’t help.”

  Zo was thinking how they’d get out just as soon as they’d made bail, which wouldn’t be too long. They’d just have to endure sharing a cell with some very eccentric women until then.

  When taking mug shots, Claire stood there looking extra serious.

  “Smile,” Zo said,
waiting for her turn.

  “This isn’t picture day at scho—”

  FLASH.

  Claire blinked. The camera’s viewer showed her with lips puckered in an O shape.

  “Next!” the picture-taker said.

  The officer took Claire aside as Zo stepped up. She worked on fluffing her hair to give her strawberry tendrils more body.

  “We got a diva on our hands,” the picture-taker joked. “On the count of three. One…”

  FLASH.

  They were brought to a cell with two other women, one of whom looked like they wanted to eat them for breakfast. She was large with a little ponytail atop her head like a sumo wrestler. The second woman was lying on the ground in the corner, with a blanket over her.

  The officer rattled the cell’s barred door open. “Go on,” he prompted the mother and daughter.

  Zo entered first and puffed up her chest in mock confidence. “Wussup?” she said to the hungry lady.

  The woman looked at Zo with confusion in her eyes.

  Claire could’ve died right there. Her face flushed red as she entered as quietly as possible, taking her place on an empty bench, the concrete cold against her bare feet.

  The officer rattled the door closed.

  Zo took her spot next to her daughter. She whispered, “Sit up straight. Act tough.”

  Claire put her head in her hands and felt her eyes sting.

  Zo nudged her. “Stop it,” she whispered out of the side of her mouth. “Are you crying?”

  Claire took a deep breath and composed herself. “No.”

  The figure that was on the floor came to life, wiping its tired eyes and yawning. To the Kanes’ great surprise, it was Cocoa.

  “What are the odds?” she said, sitting up cross-legged, her short black hair sticking out all over, as if she’d been anxiously twisting it with her fingers all night. There was even a hint of the black makeup around her eye sockets.

  Claire stood up, and shook the cell’s bars. “Help! Get us out of here! Help!”

  From a cell next to them came raucous laughter. No officer came. It was no use.

  “It’s okay,” Zo said, standing beside Claire. “Haven’t we dealt with more than a handful of murderous whackos over the last few months? We’ll survive this.”

  Claire adjusted her orange prison shirt, before taking a seat. The large woman sitting across from her didn’t take her eyes off her.

  Zo turned to Cocoa and said, “We can pretend each other doesn’t exist. I can look this way, and you can look that way. We’ll just wait this out as smoothly as possible.”

  Cocoa stood up with a wicked smile. She obviously wasn’t in agreement. “Look, you waltz into town, come to my shop, and the first thing you talk about is Kellen Knight. I gave you a chance. I told you he was gay, gave you a coupon so you could get a discount on your entire order, and wished you a great rest of the day…”

  “And?”

  “And you didn’t stop. I watched you go back to his studio the next evening. He was dancing with you. He’s never danced with me,” she said with bitterness.

  Zo stated the obvious. “You’re married.”

  “To Phil. You’ve seen him. Mr. Poindexter himself. I married him thinking I’d be taken care of. Every girl dreams of marrying a doctor, right?”

  Claire looked up at her with quirked brows.

  Zo said, “Actually, I dreamt of marrying John Stamos, from his Jesse and the Rippers days.”

  “Shut your trap and listen for once,” Cocoa said, raising a shaky finger. “Listen.”

  “I’m listening,” Zo said, assuring her with big, interested eyes. “Go on…”

  Cocoa’s icy blue eyes swept up to the cell’s ceiling. “I’ve been married to a doctor for almost twenty years. All my time was wasted investing in a future with him.” Her gaze locked back on Zo’s. “Word to the wise, don’t marry a veterinarian. If you marry for money, go for gold—find a brain surgeon. Phil barely brought in enough extra money for me to start my own business. That’s right, I had to work, when all I wanted in life was to be a homemaker. I had to work because his business wasn’t doing well, and we needed to pay for costly infertility treatments. You heard right. He couldn’t even give me kids. He’s sterile,” she seethed.

  “That may be more than I needed to know,” Zo said, “but okay.”

  “Trust me,” she said. “You need to know that. You need to know that I was trapped in a marriage that was sterile all the way around. It was loveless. Hopeless. Childless. I had my fortieth birthday last June. You know what starts happening to a woman’s body after forty?” Her eyes actually turned red and misted up. “Your biological clock starts ticking fast. It’s nearly impossible to have children. I’ve already gone through two in vitro fertilization procedures. Both times ended in miscarriage.”

  There was a moment of silence as Cocoa visibly swallowed a lump in her throat. She said, looking Zo straight in the eyes, “You love your daughter. I see that. It’s very evident that you two get along like a dream. I wanted that. I wanted a little girl of my own. You don’t know heartbreak until you’re lying on a hospital bed, after more than four months of pregnancy, seeing your sheets full of blood, seeing mother nature rip your daughter’s life away from you through tragedy.”

  Cocoa had successfully tugged on Zo’s heartstrings. For a moment she felt deep compassion. Then she recalled the woman’s murderous ways.

  “I am lucky to have Claire,” Zo said. “That’s true. Because, you know what? I, too, have experienced a miscarriage. One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. We all seem to go on, however, managing not to murder anyone.”

  Their other cellmate looked at each of them with great interest, now fully invested in listening.

  “Well, you have her. You have Claire. And I have nobody. I didn’t ask for this life. I did things the right way, the safe way, for so long. But it didn’t work out for me. I figured that if I couldn’t find happiness through doing everything by the book, I’d live on the edge a bit. That’s how I figured Kellen and I would make a great pair. I’d follow my heart this time. I’d go for the dream man instead of the geek squad. You’ve seen Kellen in Spandex. He’s physically everything I’d ever desired, down to his perfect wavy hair, never out of place.”

  Claire interjected, feeling more confident. “So Phil’s attraction was his smarts, and Kellen’s was his looks.”

  Cocoa tugged at some hair at the crown of her head in frustration. “No, Kellen’s not just good-looking. He’s passionate. He can move. After being married for years to virtually a robot, you have no idea how a man like Kellen can make you feel so alive, if even from afar. I told him I was going to get a divorce. I told him I’d be available soon, and that I’d love to learn to Salsa. But he never once gave me the time of day. Not once. It’s like I’ve been cursed when it comes to men.

  “So I saw your mother, here, spending time with him, even going to his home for hours and hours…”

  “You were spying on us?” Zo said, surprised she hadn’t even sensed another presence.

  “Duh,” Cocoa said. “You know I … follow … Kellen around. He told you himself at the dance.”

  “You heard that?” Zo was again taken aback.

  “Yes. I’m good at what I do. I have my ways.” She left it at that. “Anyway, Phil and I weren’t going to work out, Kellen wouldn’t give me a minute’s chance, and I started feeling desperate.

  “If I couldn’t depend on men, I had to learn to depend on me and me alone to get something worthy out of life.”

  “You said it, sister!” yelled a woman with heavy purple eye shadow and maroon red hair in the cell next to them.

  “Remember that purple eye shadow I bought at Cocoa’s?” Zo asked Claire. “Changed my mind about it.”

  “I devised a plan to give Phil’s business a boost, unbeknownst to him. Because my only hope was hiring a surrogate, someone younger, who could have a better chance of carrying. And I have three embryos down at
the fertility center just waiting there in their freezer, waiting to be implanted.”

  Cocoa put her palms together and looked over Zo’s head at the wall in thought. “It was such a brilliant plan. Cat blood for emergency transfusions is always in demand. A lucrative commodity. Because pet owners are some of the most loyal people you can find. They’ll do anything for their beloved fur babies. I learned all I could about Phil’s transfusion machine. I then went out and did a little catnapping. I started by stealing just one cat every couple weeks. Then I saw the money rolling into Phil’s office. I saw the units being ordered by other veterinary hospitals.

  “The demand was bigger than I expected.” Her eyes resumed resting on Zo. “I knew I was going to need a lot more cats. So I set up a ruse so nobody could link anything to me. I drained Edna Mavis’s cat, then left it out in the Binger’s porch. Then I placed two glasses on their patio table with traces of blood in them. It was so smart. Vampire culture is all around this little town, thanks to Dracula. And framing the sisters was so ingenious, since everyone knows they visit the castle weekly.

  “Actually, framing the vampire cultists as a whole has been pretty fun. I dumped you outside their club so you’d snoop around them, and forget about the graveyard.”

  “The pieces are really coming together now,” Zo said, crossing her legs and wagging a bare foot.

  “And poor stupid Phil.” Cocoa gave a weak laugh. “He only just found out that I was the one behind the cat killings. I was selling the bags of blood through his office manager, my partner in crime. So it was all completely under wraps.” She placed a hand to her chapped lips in thought. “It was all so perfect.”

  “So he has no involvement with your diabolical scheme…” Zo said.

  “No. He may be a doctor, but that doesn’t mean he’s smart enough or has enough guts to do what I did.”

  “What about your missing cat?” Claire asked, confused.

  “I unfortunately had to kill him, too, to keep up the act. I can’t be the only one in my neighborhood left with a cat. That’s way too suspicious.”