Fighting for Devlin (Lost Boys #1)

by Jessica Lemmon

  Which was confusing.

  “But you ratted,” I’d pointed out. Sonny did not look great in orange.

  He’d shrugged. “Older you get, less that stuff matters. I have no family, Devlin. No one to protect. Closest thing I had was you. If I had a son, I’d take the hit for him. Not the other way around. Not the way Cade tried to do it.”

  Sonny let Paul off the hook for his debts. And, as I suspected, he’d paid the hospital bill for Cade, too.

  “I held you responsible for your father’s debt,” Sonny had said, his weary face creasing with shame. “I shouldn’t have. By the time the years got away from us, I liked having you around. You were good at collecting. You remember goddamn everything. Computer in your brain, kid.”

  I’d felt an odd wave of pride.

  “I liked taking care of you. Teaching you the ropes at Oak & Sage. You do good over there. You’re ten times the man your father was, and he was older than you are now when he started.”

  My chest constricted. In many ways, Sonny had been like a father to me over the years.

  “I knew you could make something of that place. You and your girl. Thought if I got my hooks out of you, that’d clear a path.”

  It had…and it hadn’t. Gamblers had trickled in over the past few weeks, but I turned them away, explaining how Sonny went down. The dining room took a hit, but things would pick back up…I hoped. My dream of running Oak & Sage with Rena wasn’t a possibility since I hadn’t attempted to repair things with her since the night I fired her. I’d spent the better part of the last four weeks aching in a way I hadn’t known was possible.

  That day I visited Sonny, he noted my less-than-chipper outlook and asked about Rena. I lied and said she was good. Then I changed the subject to ask about his affairs. He told me Nat had taken over the pizzeria and the apartment building. Sonny assured me both were in good hands and not to worry. I still hated him being in that place. Hated how he’d given himself up—had almost given up entirely. I tried to argue that I could get him a better lawyer and help him get out, but he shook his head and tapped my hand with his rougher one.

  “I had a good run,” he’d told me. “Anyway, a few years of relaxing in here ain’t so bad.”

  I was unsure how Sonny would “relax” in prison.

  “Few years in here, then I’ll be out. I got a nice place in the Caribbean.”

  I hadn’t been able to tell if he was joking or not. “What can I do?” I asked, but I knew the answer.

  “Live,” he’d said. “Gimme grandchildren.”

  Grandchildren. Children. My thoughts had returned to Rena along with the feeling of rawness, proving my heart hadn’t healed even a little.

  “Enjoy your life, kid.” He’d asked about Cade next. I’d brought him up to speed, letting him know he had gained mobility, and was able to eat just fine and flip me off, as he did often.

  I stepped in front of the television screen now, and Cade leaned around me. I shifted so I was in his way again.

  He stared me down, his nostrils flaring. He was pissed about his lot in life, and I understood, I did. But I was older, and having been on my own put me in the unique position of being the mature one. Go figure. The standoff would have lasted twenty minutes or more if the doorbell hadn’t rung.

  “Dammit,” I muttered.

  Cade smiled.

  “This isn’t over,” I said to him. Antagonizing him into speaking had become my only tactic. The jerk had been mute for the last four days. He’d spoken a little, but mysteriously clammed up again. Ever since he could dress himself and get around better, he’d been less cooperative than before. And that was saying something. The last therapist Cade ran off warned if he didn’t use his speech soon, he could lose it forever.

  I supposed I could let the bastard fall apart, but guilt the size of Mothman had eaten holes in my soul. I didn’t recall ever having a ton of empathy for anyone before now.

  Rena’s fault.

  Some part of me felt guilty for not following Sonny into the slammer, even though he’d insisted it served no one if I served time alongside him. I suppose he was right. I was free to run Oak & Sage, I employed a staff who needed their paychecks. And I was here to take care of my pain-in-the-ass half brother whether he wanted me to or not.

  The doorbell chimed twice more by the time I reached the threshold.

  “Yeah, I’m coming!” I called as a yanked the door open.

  Tasha stood at the threshold, a messenger bag crossed over her chest, her blond hair in a ponytail. She raised an eyebrow and gave me a peeved look much like her patient had a minute ago.

  I stepped aside and she breezed past me, not speaking. Tasha wasn’t a very big fan of mine. I understood why, sort of. I thought she’d cut me some slack since I had the balls to walk away. But her loyalty was with Rena no matter what. Honestly, I was glad. I liked her taking care of Rena.

  I sure as hell hadn’t.

  I finished cleaning the kitchen from the lunch I’d made for Cade and me. Paul was able to get his old job back, and as far as I knew, with Tex out of town and his goon squad dismantled, he was safe. Plus, I was here to protect him.

  Or stop him if he started betting again.

  Finished loading the dishwasher, I flipped off the lights in the kitchen and took the stairs two at a time to my old room. It’d been an adjustment living here again, same twin bed in the corner, same dinged-up five-drawer dresser and Mason jar filled with pennies on top. I changed into my suit for Oak & Sage and was just pulling a tie around my neck when Tasha knocked. She opened my door before I could respond.

  I started to tell her the knock was a moot point if she was going to let herself in anyway, but the angry slant of her fair brows made me lift one of mine in question.

  “I agree with Cade.” She crossed her arms over her breasts.

  My fingers paused on the knot of my tie.

  “You’re a pussy.”

  I blinked, unaccustomed to being accused of being a pussy, and unsure how to react, since I couldn’t pummel the person who’d just said it to me.

  “Cade said I was a pussy,” I stated flatly.

  “More than once.”

  Okay. Cade’s ass I could kick. “Cade is talking,” I said, not expecting this turn of events.

  “A little,” she said. “Enough.” Her face hardened. “Do you actually think leaving Rena left her in the clear? You think that was the best thing for her? Like she’ll thrive now that she’s as far away from you as possible?”

  The guilt surged again, but I tamped it down. Tasha was mad because Rena was upset. I focused on my reflection and tied my tie. I couldn’t think about her right now.

  “Doesn’t matter what she wants,” I said.

  “Because you know what’s best.”

  I stayed silent. Adjusted the knot at my throat.

  “Have you slept with anyone since Rena?”

  “You need to leave.” I pulled a jacket out of my closet, anger shaking my arms. Fuck, no, I hadn’t slept with anyone since Rena. As if I could move on? Forget what she meant to me? How she changed me for the better?

  “Because that seems like you.” Tasha continued her monologue. “Burn that bridge to ashes. Like I said. Cade’s right: You’re a pussy.”

  I shrugged on my suit jacket. “I don’t let chicks talk to me the way you’re talking to me, Tasha.” It was an empty threat and she knew it.

  “I don’t let guys treat my best friend like garbage,” she snapped. “Go to her, Devlin. You go to her and take one look at her and tell me if you’re doing her any favors by staying away. Tell me she’s not the best thing that ever happened in your entire miserable existence.”

  She was. We both knew it.

  “She wouldn’t let me in if I showed,” I said. I’d thought about it. Over and over and over and over. I couldn’t take it if I went to her and she shut me out. Truth was, I was afraid of what would happen if she rejected me. Afraid the feelings I’d been trying to smother would surface,
and in turn smother me.

  “You sure about that?” came Tasha’s parting blow. She left without another word.

  I faced my reflection in the mirror. I was sure earlier, I realized…but now?

  Now I wasn’t.

  Chapter 20

  Rena

  I waved goodbye to Lyle and got into my car. Shivering, I rubbed my gloved hands together as snow fell around me.

  The pace at Sarafina’s was like being thrown into slow motion after being on fast forward. No longer was I carrying trays of hot food, yelling at the kitchen guys for a side of mayo, or making out with Devlin in the cramped and overstocked office.

  I kept telling myself I didn’t miss that last part. I thought it might be working. I used to think of him and ache. Now I thought of him and got angry. That had to be progress, right? Tasha told me she’d gone to work with Cade three days this week. I had to make her swear not to mention Devlin’s name. She’d said too much already.

  If I meant anything to him, he’d have come to me.

  At home, I showered for an eternity, until my body no longer felt the chill from the weather, until all of me was overheated and loose, my bathroom filled with steam. I dried quickly and pulled on a thick robe.

  I hadn’t decided what to do with my life now that my nights were once again free. Even though Devlin and I hadn’t been together long, he’d filled the other half of my calendar. The other half of me.

  Evenings in the apartment were lonely. I hadn’t gotten used to that yet. Or again, I should say. Idly sketching into my notebook, I remembered the last time I’d seen Devlin. His bruises were gone. His suit pristine. At the time, I thought he was angry and unfeeling, but the more I pictured the straight line of his mouth, the more I began to doubt myself. It’d be easier to believe he hated me. But in my heart, I knew it wasn’t true. He wanted me away from Baron, away from harm. Devlin promising Roy he’d stay away from me was his only way of ensuring both of those things.

  Devlin protected me by ridding himself from my life. As plans went, it was a terrible one. Shouldn’t he protect me by holding me closer? I thought of his past—how he was raised by a gambler, how his mother had cheated on his father with Paul, how his father had leapt to his death…

  In Devlin’s shoes, I supposed I would’ve pushed me away, too. People abandoned him. His mom and dad, Paul. Even Sonny bailed in the end. Devlin may have sent me away, but I felt like I’d abandoned him, too.

  Dev had left Sonny, and the life, for me. I knew deep down it was true. Now that I’d sorted out my grief, I could see clearly. Devlin saw something in us he wanted to pursue. I knew that in my bones, in my gut. In my heart. But I also knew that until he was ready to admit it, I was chasing a dream.

  And I was so, so tired. Life had run the chase right out of me.

  I gave the drawing in my lap a forlorn glance and tossed my pad and pencil next to the flickering jar candle on my coffee table.

  Bone-tired, I curled onto the couch and pulled a blanket over me.

  —

  Sometime later, a knock yanked me out of sleep. I squinted at the candle throwing soot on the side of the jar and blew it out, waving away a small puff of acrid smoke as I walked for the door. In my sleep-hazed state, I peeked through the blinds and saw a mirage: a hunkered figure on my doorstep, black leather coat, black hair, an arm extended and leaning on my door frame. I rubbed my eyes and willed away the feeling of déjà vu washing over me. But the figure was still there.

  Solid. Real. Realer than anything had been in weeks.

  The snow had stopped falling, so there were no flakes clinging to Devlin’s hair and scarf. Again ignoring every warning my mother had supplied me with over the years, and every warning I’d heeded before I met Devlin Calvary on a night very similar to this one, I pulled open my front door.

  He’d shown up beaten and bloody on my doorstep once before. I half expected to see blood tracking down his face when he lifted his head. Unlike the night that seemed more like decades ago, his perfect face was intact, both blue eyes open, electric blue and full of what might be concern.

  “Hey.” He straightened but didn’t make a move to come in.

  “Hey.” I was trying to decide if I was pissed or not. I should be. He’d rejected me, ignored me. Other than asking my best friend if she was driving my car, he may not have even thought of me.

  Meanwhile, I’d suffered grief not dissimilar to losing Joshua. But Devlin was very much alive and standing right in front of me. He chose to leave me behind. There. Now I was pissed.

  “You moved,” I tightened my hand around the doorknob. The words cluttering my mind for weeks came tumbling out next. “I went to your apartment, but you weren’t there. A maintenance guy told me you moved. Some guy I don’t know.” Devlin should have been the one to tell me. Should have called me. Should have come for me, dammit. I was worth it.

  He said nothing, only stared me down from beneath a tumble of dark hair.

  “You had officers watching the restaurant to keep me away from you,” I said. That part hurt. “Like I was a crazy ex-girlfriend stalking you or something.”

  At this, his eyebrows pinched.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked. I was afraid to guess. Absolutely terrified. Devlin made me feel things I had no business feeling. If I allowed myself to wonder if he was here because he felt them, too, and if it turned out I was wrong…Well, I didn’t want to think about that.

  So, I didn’t.

  “Tasha and I have a bet,” he said. Bizarrely.

  “You don’t bet,” I said, even more bizarrely.

  “Until now. She thinks you’re better off with me, and I think you don’t need me.”

  I felt my throat convulse as I swallowed.

  “First time in my life I ever hoped to lose a bet.” He huffed, almost a laugh. His expelled breath hung in the chilled air sifting into my house.

  When my voice came out, it was a whispered truth. “I don’t need you.”

  I didn’t. I could survive without him. Continue breathing in and out, continue living my life. He wasn’t my power source, as I’d once imagined. I wanted him, though. I wanted him with everything inside of me. But I wouldn’t dry up and blow away without him. I was strong. And I wanted him to see he hadn’t broken me.

  “No,” he agreed. “I guess you don’t.” His eyes traveled the length of my body, and landed on my face, taking me in as if for the last time. “I don’t need you, either.”

  I blinked, surprised. I wanted him to need me. I guess that was unfair, but I was okay with being unfair.

  “Well good for you.” I moved to close the door. He stopped it with one hand.

  “I used to think that’s what I felt for you. Need,” he continued. “I haven’t needed anyone in a really long time. It’s a lot like desperation, that feeling. I don’t like it.”

  No. Neither did I. After Joshua died, the hardest thing for me to do was find a way to move forward without having him around to decide my future. Without him being there for every twist and turn. I had to find a way to do things on my own. His death left me no other choice.

  Similar to Devlin’s father dying, his mother leaving. Devlin had been forced to figure things out on his own, too.

  “I may not need you, Rena…” He held my gaze for a moment while my heart thrashed against my ribs. “But the want didn’t go anywhere. I want you so bad I can taste it.”

  I pressed my lips shut. Afraid, so afraid to admit I felt the same. Thankfully, he interrupted before I could.

  “Freezing my balls off out here. May I?”

  I stepped aside and let him in. A click sounded as I shut the door, then we were standing in my living room. Together. Just the two of us in my dim, warm apartment, the scent of burned-out candle in the air. Devlin smelled like the cold and the same soap I’d lathered with in his shower.

  “Can I get you something? A beer?” I tightened my robe, acutely aware I was naked underneath since the air from outside had curled arou
nd my now-frigid limbs.

  “Light beer?” He cringed. “No way.”

  “I need one.” I didn’t. But I needed space to think. And with him this close, I couldn’t hold on to the anger I had worked so hard on summoning. I was almost to the kitchen when his hand wrapped around the tie of my robe at my lower back. His other arm wrapped around my ribs as he pulled me against his chest and spoke into my ear.

  “Rena, baby.”

  I shivered with awareness. He felt solid, real, and oh-so-welcome.

  “I know what you’re doing,” he breathed into my ear. “I know why you’re doing it. And I know I deserve it.”

  I’d sewn my heart, my chest, back together when he left, but because I’d done a piss-poor job, the threads were snapping. It would never hold.

  Tears stung the corners of my eyes as I focused on the sliding glass door in my kitchen. Three inches of snow sat on the ground, the dead leaves and branches poking out of a planter on my stoop waving in the wind. I stared at it, and then my eyes strayed to the reflection of Devlin bent over me, his handsome face so very near mine. I liked the way he looked wrapped around me. It was a beautiful picture.

  Another seam snapped.

  “I still want you.” He wrapped both arms at my waist, gave me a slight squeeze, then turned me in his arms. “Why did you go to my apartment?”

  “Why did you have the cops camp out at Oak & Sage?” I shot back.

  “I didn’t.”

  I blinked. “Roy said—”

  “Why would I want cops at my restaurant?”

  I blinked again. Why, indeed.

  “Think, Rena.”

  I thought. And came to the obvious conclusion. “Roy…didn’t tell me the truth.” He’d lied to me for my mother’s sake.

  Devlin released me. “He’s protecting you. He cares about you like a father. That’s not a bad thing.”

  He was right. Still…“I don’t like being lied to.”

  “Me neither.” Devlin’s body had begun to warm against me, even though his leather jacket retained the cold. “Why did you come to my apartment?”

  “I don’t owe you an explanation for anything.” I didn’t want to tell him the truth: because I missed him. I may not need him, but there was a hole in my life I knew only he would fit into.