Avoidance

by Kristen Granata

  “We’ll forever be assholes together.” I nudged her with my elbow. “Let’s go out tonight. I’m tired of sitting in this apartment and sulking.”

  “Oh, no,” she said, waving her index finger in my face. “You are not allowed anywhere where alcohol is being served. I won’t get scolded by Tanner again.”

  My eyebrows shot up. “Oh! What if we invite Tanner? I’ll tell Charlotte to come, too. That way, they’ll end up in the same place together!” I jumped up, and ran to the bedroom to get my phone. When I reappeared in the living room, Shelly was already texting Kenzie and Tina.

  “Tina suggested Big Nose Kate’s.” She looked up from her phone to see my reaction. “Are you going to be okay with that?”

  “I can’t not go places just because I’ve been there with Chase.”

  She agreed. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay surrounded by alcohol?”

  “I will be better than okay. I know I can do this.” I grimaced. “Plus, I don’t want to get on T.J.’s shit list ever again.”

  “I bet he’s sexy when he’s angry,” Shelly mused.

  I rolled my eyes. “Is Brody coming?”

  “No. Let’s have a girls’ night. I haven’t had one of those in ages.”

  “Okay. I’m going to tell Tanner that it’s a girl’s night, but I’m tipping him off anyway. Charlotte won’t know any different.”

  “Forcing the hand of fate. I’m all for it.” She stood. “I’m going to go home and change. I’ll be back at nine to pick you up.”

  “I can drive. I’ll be your D.D.”

  “If you’re not drinking, then I’m not drinking.” She stuck out her chin in an attempt to seem resolute.

  “You don’t have to do that. You’re not the one with a drinking problem.”

  “You jump, I jump, remember?”

  I chuckled at the reminder of our eighth grade pact. “Okay. See you at nine.”

  Though I still felt immense pain radiating from the hole in my chest, I was excited to prove to myself that I would be stronger than the urge to drink. Before I stepped into the shower, I tapped out a quick text to T.J. to inform him of my plan. Keeping him in the loop was part of my strategy to gain back his trust.

  An hour and a half later, the girls’ night was in full effect. The warmer weather was teasing us as the months got closer to June, which made just about everyone in New York break out their summer wardrobes. We traded our boots for open-toed wedges, and swapped out our heavy sweaters with strappy tank tops. Shelly, Tina, Kenzie, and I danced in a circle in the middle of a very sweaty dance floor. Not one of them held a drink in their hands.

  Tanner was perched at the far end of the bar, keeping watch of the front door. Charlotte had agreed to meet us, unaware of her ex-boyfriend’s planned presence. Part of me felt guilty for tricking her into crossing paths with Tanner; on the other hand, if she was half as stubborn as I was, she needed a helpful push in the right direction.

  I spotted her as soon as she walked through the door. Blondes were far and few between on Staten Island. Instantly, I was brought back to the memory of being in California, and felt a wrenching in my heart. I put on a smile, and waved to Charlotte until she saw me. I quickly alerted Tanner with a text, reminding him to keep his distance until she had been here for a while. I didn’t want to make it obvious to her that she had been set up.

  We danced and took selfies in true girls’ night fashion. Several guys kept trying to infiltrate our circle, but Tina was able to fend them off. Each time she did, Charlotte laughed and shouted, “I love her!”

  I fanned myself after dancing for an hour straight, the sweat dripping down the middle of my back. “I’m getting us water!” I shouted to the crew.

  Shelly and Tina exchanged glances. “Should someone come with you?” Shelly asked.

  I shook my head, and held up my hand as I took my oath. “I promise I will be okay.” I spun on my heels, and made my way to the bar. It was less crowded outside of the dance space. I leaned against the bar, trying to flag down the bartender. I thought of Dave, and felt another shot to my chest. I checked my phone while I waited, and noticed a text from T.J.:

  You clean up nicely.

  Scrunching my face up in confusion, my head whipped around to search for him. Finally, my eyes settled on a familiar pair of sky blue eyes across the room. He was standing next to Tanner, wearing a black t-shirt, camo shorts, and his usual boyish grin. Another text from him drew my eyes back to my phone:

  I know it’s a girls’ night. Just wanted to tell you that you look great… and I’m proud of you.

  I offered him a smile before responding to his text:

  You don’t look too shabby, yourself… and thanks ;)

  I ordered five waters, and carried them back to the group of parched ladies. We chugged the water, and continued dancing.

  Charlotte grabbed my forearm. “Tanner is here!”

  “What? Where?” I looked in every direction except for the one I knew he would be in.

  “He’s by the back door.” She pointed discreetly. “Do you think he’s here with another girl?”

  “No way.” I craned my neck, pretending to look to see who he was with. “It looks like he’s here with friends.”

  The girls looked where we were looking, already knowing my plan.

  “You should go say hi,” Shelly suggested.

  Charlotte shook her head feverishly. “No way. What if he’s here, looking to leave with someone?”

  “Then he’ll leave with you, instead.” Tina’s bluntness wouldn’t go over well with someone as reserved as Charlotte.

  Shelly punched my arm. “T.J. is here!”

  I rubbed my arm. “Have you been working out?”

  She stretched up onto her toes, waving Kenzie over. “You have to see Merritt’s trainer.”

  “Stop making it so obvious,” I hissed, as all four of them leaned over in unison to get a better view.

  “How is it that you always manage to surround yourself with such hot, muscular men?”

  I glared at Tina. “He’s single. Knock yourself out.”

  “No! I called dibs first!” Shelly interjected.

  “You’re not single!” Tina retorted. “You can’t call dibs.”

  “Technically, you’re single now, too,” Charlotte offered.

  Kenzie and Tina both looked at me, waiting for me to deny it. “I’m not interested in him like that. He’s my coach.”

  “Let’s all remember what happened the last time she said that,” Tina said, nudging Shelly in the ribs.

  Shelly bit her bottom lip, stifling a smile.

  I scowled at her for finding Tina’s comment funny.

  “Seriously, that’s the kind of guy she should be with,” Tina said. “I told her Chase was too vanilla for her.”

  “Tina!” Shelly was back on my side now.

  “Come on,” she continued. “I bet you he’s been through some shit in his life. She needs someone who understands her problems because he’s been through them himself. Chase couldn’t handle all of the baggage that she came with.”

  “Do they always talk about you like you’re not standing here?” Charlotte asked.

  “Always,” I replied flatly. My phone buzzed in the back pocket of my shorts. It was T.J. again:

  Tanner wants to know when he can talk to Charlotte. Poor bastard is dying over here.

  I made sure that Charlotte wasn’t able to see my screen as I quickly texted him back:

  The girls are busy drooling over you at the moment. Tell him to give me two minutes.

  Over me?

  You’re surprised?

  Oh, yeah. I forgot. I’m supposed to be arrogant.

  I’m rolling my eyes as I type this.

  I know. I watched you.

  That’s not creepy at all.

  That did come out a little stalkerish, huh?

  I giggled.

  “Who are you talking to?” Shelly snatched my phone from my hands, and her eyes widened
. “You’re talking to him!”

  “Who?” Kenzie asked, peering over her shoulder.

  “I knew it.” Tina wore a smug expression.

  “You better watch yourself,” I warned playfully. “I know how to fight now.”

  “Short stuff is a tough guy now!” Tina laughed.

  “Come on.” I pulled on Charlotte’s arm. “Let’s go say hi to the boys. I think we’ve been spotted.”

  She nervously fixed her hair as we approached Tanner.

  “Hey, little brother.” I slapped him on the back.

  He and Charlotte wore matching smiles as they stared into each other’s eyes.

  “You’re like a matchmaker,” T.J. whispered into my ear.

  I grinned proudly. “T.J., this is Tina and Kenzie. You already know Shelly.”

  Shelly waved, refraining from attempting to speak words this time.

  T.J. acknowledged the girls, and returned the wave to Shelly. “How’s your night going, Red?”

  Shelly’s cheeks now matched her new nickname. “It’s good. We’re having a girls’ night.”

  “Well, we were,” Tina said, nodding at Charlotte and Tanner.

  “Nice ink.” T.J. gestured to her colorful arm. “When are you getting yours?” he asked me.

  “You’re getting a tattoo?” Tina shouted. “You tell me nothing!”

  “I haven’t decided yet. Calm your tits.”

  “Wanna dance?” I overheard Tanner ask Charlotte.

  “Uh… it’s a girls’ night. I don’t want to break the rules.”

  I gently pushed her towards him. “We can make an exception.”

  Her face lit up. “Okay. Lead the way.”

  Tanner looked like a kid on Christmas morning. He took her hand, and walked to the dance floor.

  “It’s nice to see you smiling, baby doll.” T.J. pushed me with his shoulder.

  I caught Tina mouthing, “Baby doll?” to Shelly, followed by Shelly’s exaggerated shrug.

  “I don’t feel like drinking at all. It feels great.”

  Kenzie hugged me to her side. “I’m glad you’re doing better.”

  “Have you heard from your mother since you saw her?” T.J. asked.

  “Nope. I was pretty upset that night. I think she’s giving me some time to deal with everything she unloaded on me.”

  “What do you think you’re going to do?” Shelly inquired.

  “Truthfully, I don’t know. I want to meet with her again, just so I can be done with her. I don’t think I could ever have an actual relationship with her.”

  “Maybe you can’t have the same relationship you once had,” T.J. replied. “But you might be able to create a new one. One you feel comfortable with.”

  “Brain and brawn,” Tina murmured.

  T.J. looked down at his sneakers and smiled.

  “Are you blushing?” I cried, poking the dimple in his left cheek.

  He swatted my hand away, grinning. “Get out of here! Aren’t you supposed to be having a girls’ night?”

  “We totally don’t mind hanging with you,” Shelly responded.

  I laughed once. “Speak for yourself.”

  T.J. jabbed me in my ribs. “You couldn’t handle hanging with me, Curly Sue.”

  Tina arched an eyebrow. “Prove it. Let’s go dance.”

  “I don’t want to intrude on your time.”

  Tina took one arm, and Shelly took the other. They pulled him to the dance floor, as Kenzie and I followed behind them. We were all laughing as they sandwiched T.J. in between them. He was being a good sport about it, and I was having fun. For the first time, I was happy to be back home, surrounded by my friends. I glanced at Tanner and Charlotte, who were dancing closely just a few feet away. They’d be back together in no time. Tanner winked at me when he caught me staring.

  I glanced at the time on my phone, wondering what Chase was doing for the tenth time today. He was most likely performing somewhere in L.A., with dozens of girls hoping to get a chance to talk to him after his set. I did my best to push the thought from my mind, but I could not help wishing he was here as I saw the way Tanner looked at Charlotte.

  At one o’clock in the morning, we all waved goodbye and went our separate ways in the parking lot. T.J. walked me and Shelly to her car.

  “Goodnight, Red.” They high-fived each other before she got into the driver’s seat. He touched his hand to my arm. “See you tomorrow, doll face. Good work tonight.”

  On the ride home, I leaned my head back on the headrest and stared off into the distance out the window.

  “You really don’t feel anything for T.J., do you?” Shelly’s question broke the silence.

  I shook my head. “I can’t be interested in someone when I’m in love with someone else.”

  She placed her hand over mine. “I know how much you miss him. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

  “Me, too.”

  Chapter Sixteen: Forgiveness

  “What do you think?”

  “I think it’s going to hurt,” Tanner replied.

  T.J. was grinning from behind his desk. “I think it’s perfect for you.”

  I turned the piece of paper around to face me. On it was the head of a warrior princess that John, the tattoo artist, had sketched for me based on my description of what I wanted. She had long flowing hair, war paint under her eyes, and wore a headpiece that formed a V on her forehead; the whole tattoo would be done without color, with the exception of her piercing blue eyes.

  “Where are you going to put it?” Tanner asked. He was leaning against the wall in T.J.’s office. We had just finished training, and I wanted to show T.J. the tattoo idea before we headed home.

  I shrugged, looking at T.J. for his input.

  He leaned his elbows onto his desk, rubbing his five o’clock shadow while he contemplated. “It would work on a number of places, like upper arm, shoulder blade, or ribcage.”

  “I think I would like it on my arm.” I touched the shoulder that had been injured in my accident a year ago.

  Tanner nodded in agreement. “That’s going to look so badass.”

  “Let me know if you want company when you decide to go,” T.J. offered.

  I stood from my chair, and swung my purse onto my shoulder. “Ready, little bro?”

  Tanner tossed me his keys. “I’ll be out in a minute. Just have to talk to Teej for a minute.”

  I arched an eyebrow at him. “Okay.” I waved to T.J. and closed the office door behind me.

  Outside, the setting sun was still warm. May had gone by in the blink of an eye, and the summer was underway. I sat on the curb beside Tanner’s Mustang, closing my eyes and tilting my face towards the sky. Though I had kept busy with work, training, and hanging out with the girls, I could not deny that there was still something missing from my life. Chase’s calls came in less frequently now, but I woke up to the same text each morning: “Have a good day. I love you.” I didn’t know what I would do once those texts stopped. I knew eventually they would.

  My training with T.J. was coming to an end. I wanted to get the tattoo as part of my celebration for completing his program. I had not thought about alcohol once since my slip up after meeting with my mother. I was on my way to recovery.

  A shadow was now blocking my sun. I opened my eyes to see Tanner. “You ready?” he asked.

  “Yup. Everything okay?” I asked, brushing the dirt off of my backside as I stood.

  “Yup.”

  We buckled our seatbelts, and he backed out of the parking spot. After driving a couple of minutes in silence, Tanner glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Is there something going on between you and T.J.?”

  “What?” I half-shouted. “Are you seriously asking me that?”

  “I see the way he looks at you. I just can’t figure out if you’re looking at him the same way.”

  “First of all, he doesn’t look at me in any way that you’re imply
ing. Secondly, I most definitely am not looking at him like that.” I twisted in my seat to face him. “Is that what that was about back there? Please tell me you did not say something like this to him.”

  His eyes remained on the road. “I don’t want him taking advantage of you. I’m trying to look out for you.”

  “Take advantage of me? Tanner, what the hell? You know T.J. You’re the one who told me about how great he is. He has been helping me. Nothing more.” I looked down at my lap. “You know what I’m going through.”

  He nodded sheepishly. “You helped me so much with Charlotte. I want to be able to help you, too.”

  “You carried me over your shoulder out of a party when I was drunk, slept in my bathtub to make sure I was okay, and took me to train with T.J. so that I would get sober. You have helped me more than you can possibly imagine.”

  “I’ll always look out for you. Even if you never get back together with Chase – which I think you will. My dad saved your life. Helping you makes me feel like I’m helping him, in some weird way.”

  I gave his arm a squeeze. “I think about your dad every day.”

  “Me, too.”

  When I walked into my apartment, I sat on the arm of the couch and stared at my phone. I knew I had to reach out to my mother one last time, but I had been putting it off. It was the final piece of my puzzle – all I had to do was snap it into place. I pressed her name on my screen, and lifted the phone to my ear.

  “Hi, Merritt,” she answered quickly.

  “So, I’ve had some time to think, and I would like to meet with you one last time.”

  “Okay. When are you available?”

  “Tomorrow at seven, again, if that’s okay with you.”

  “Sure. Yes. Seven is good.”

  “Good. Bye.”