The Fight Within

by Laveen, Tiana

  “Tiiimes are bad! Happy or saaaad!” he went on and on. “Treasure, damn you, woman!” He closed his eyes for a moment. “I still love ya, baby. You’d drive me crazy sometimes wit’ that smart mouth of yours, but you was true blue, a good woman. I could depend on you…didn’t have to worry about you not doing the right thing. You never screwed around on me. You took care of the kids, worked, cleaned and cooked. You’d fuck me like I needed to be fucked!” He cursed out loud at the damn ceiling, hoping Jennifer, the whore he couldn’t shake loose, heard his drunken rant. “Fuckin’ selfish ass bitches…lazy in bed! Just layin’ on your goddamn back, looking pretty in that expensive ass lingerie collection I bought you!” He shook his fist angrily at the ceiling, then burst out in more maniacal fits of laughter.

  “…want cosmetic surgeries, expensive coats, cars, your own penthouse. Want me to pay for your mother’s shit, your sister’s shit, your girlfriend’s shit, your low-class brother that’s in and out of prison’s shit! Want me to eat your dry ass pussy and you ain’t sucked my dick in months! Fuck you! Get tha fuck outta my house, bitch! Get uh damn job!” His voice strained and cracked as he reached toward the invisible sky. The domed ceiling of his office looked like gold dusted heaven, though he trusted he’d landed in dusty, dank hell.

  I used to have it all…

  I had the shit men dream of. Good family. Great friends… beautiful women, my pick of the damn litter! Saw Treasure and had to have ’er ass… She was smart, sassy, sweet and so.damn.fine…

  …And broken.

  Body smooth like freshly poured chocolate. Thick, beautiful hair that got bigger in the goddamn sun, despite having a perm… She hated it, but I loved it—it was her glory. Long, luscious legs and an ass I could play a chess game on, and not lose one.damn.piece. Breasts so soft, supple, more than a handful but manageable. She kept herself together…liked to cook, would eat too many cookies every now and again, but always got herself back in check.

  A fucking dime…

  …And she was mine.

  You know, as I think back on it, I really can’t understand why I wasn’t satisfied with her. Why wasn’t she enough? The grass really does always look greener on the other side. At first, I blamed her for everything and shit, Treasure ain’t no damn angel, but she pretty damn close to it…

  He hung his head, feeling the weight of his bad choices tearing him down, shoving him closer and closer into a recently dug up, open grave.

  I’m tryna do better, Treasure…

  He wished she were sitting there to hear his pleas…believe his heart longed for her, wanted to make it right.

  He was picking up his children more, making a concerted effort, though Brian barely spoke to him as of late. Regardless, he attempted to talk to his wife over and over again—no, ex-wife—but she’d cut him off at the pass. The damn woman left him no choice but to call her mother, tell her that he was trying to fix his marriage, but her daughter was being hard headed and worst of all, she was dating some bastard that didn’t have a pot to piss in. He picked up his glass and sloshed the drink around as his mood drew darker.

  Jennifer was by now surely passed out upstairs after one of her many prescription pill cocktails, which she chased with a glass of white wine. She was his latest, not his last…but now he felt tired, so very tired.

  No more of this… no more! I’m done with Jennifer, JoAnn, Staci, Anna, Amber, Vanessa, all of ’em! I’d trade them all to get just one woman back, just one! He slammed his fist onto his desk. Nah, she is going to listen to me, tonight…she gotta listen!

  He grabbed his phone after a series of hiccups, and dialed the number.

  She was mine first, and she’ll be mine until the last moment in time…

  ‡

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “I mean, are they black or red? Pink?”

  Treasure rolled lazily over on her side and nestled her pillow between her thighs, pressing the damn thing tight between them. She tried desperately to squelch her pussy’s voice. The bitch was talking to her again, begging to be slipped an intoxicating lickey and mickey otherwise known as Sean’s fucking tongue and dick.

  “None of those…” she finally answered, faux admonishing him.

  “Come on, what color are your panties tonight?” Sean groaned throatily on the other end. His final was scheduled for the following evening, so with him being swamped with studying, a simple naughty conversation would have to suffice in their time of horny need.

  “…None. I have none on…”

  “Mmmmm…did you shave your pussy today?” He groaned, then she heard him swallow as he most likely visualized her in the buff.

  “Yeah…” She slipped her finger inside of her mouth, sucking it just so, wishing it were his damn dick.

  “There’s no hair at all? Not even a landing strip?”

  “None, it’s bare.”

  “Let me come over and inspect…”

  “Sean, no!” She giggled like a damn schoolgirl. “You’ve got your exam tomorrow morning! You’re supposed to be studying right now, not on the phone with me asking about panties! Ridiculous…”

  “I’ll be in and out. I promise not to take too long. I mean, unless you want me to.”

  “No!”

  “Come on! Look, I’ll undress really fast, fuck ya, and leave! You won’t even know what happened!”

  A short laugh escaped before she could cover her mouth to stifle it, but she checked herself, lest she wake up her sleeping children.

  “No!”

  “Then come over here!”

  “Yeah, right!”

  “Just wake up Brian, say you have an errand to run and you’ll be right back.”

  “Go study, Sean.”

  “Damn it!” he hissed. “Alright, but you owe me…”

  “You always think I owe you. What do you expect for compensation?”

  “I drafted up some blow job coupons… The last couple of times we’ve had sex you’ve not given me one beforehand. We are now 2 and 0.”

  “What?!” she said, cracking up. “So now you’re keeping score, huh?”

  “Ya damn straight. I want it all,” he teased. “Good night, baby…I love you.”

  “I love you too, honey, and good luck on your exam. You’ll do great.”

  “I hope so…I’m about to go jerk off and then study… Well, I should probably study first, then jerk off because if I jerk off first, I’ll fall asleep.” Then just like that, he ended the damn phone call.

  “Nut!” Setting her cell phone on her nightstand, she plucked the beaded silver chord to turn off the lamp. A few minutes later, it buzzed again.

  “Who is that?” Treasure’s eyes flickered in the darkness as she pulled herself out of the beginning stages of slumber. Clumsily clawing at her nightstand, she seized her phone in a stilted grip and pulled herself up toward the headboard. “I don’t believe this shit…it’s two in the damn morning…” She read the caller-ID, then picked up. “What is it, Jackson? Oh, let me guess? You couldn’t get the response from me you wanted by running to my mother, of all people, to get some shit started. You have a lot of nerve calling me.” She sighed and let her head drop to the side. Her body refused to completely rise to the occasion.

  “Never mind that. This is important. I need to speak with you,” his deep voice choked out.

  “This couldn’t wait? Look how late it is.” She glanced at the clock on her nightstand.

  “I never get the chance to talk to you without it turning into an argument, Treasure. Can you humor me this one time, please?”

  “Fine Jackson,” she huffed, running her hand along her forehead, dragging her fingertips over the bunched flesh created by extreme annoyance. “What is it?”

  “I called your mother because I was desperate, can’t you see? I…I still love you, Treasure.”

  “I don’t have time for this.” She sighed again, not in the mood for one of his preposterous power plays or unscrupulous tactics that usually began with a kind word o
r two, to warm her up for the final kill. “Have you been drinking?” She sat up, frowning, certain he’d been dipping in the alcohol cabinet again. Not to mention, Tyrese’s ‘Stay’ played on low in the background.

  “I’m not drunk, Treasure. Look, I’ll get right to it. I know that I cheated, I know that I was wrong, but… I miss you. Look, baby, people make mistakes, okay? What I did had nothing to do with you; it was me…all me. I don’t want to draw this out, drag it out further. We both know we still love one another. So, I’m calling to see,” he took a deep breath, “I wanted to see if we…if we could try to make this work, give it another try.”

  “…I must be dreaming.”

  “No.” He chuckled. “You’re wide awake and so am I, baby. Finally. I am wide awake and see what I risked and lost. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I was too stupid to see that at the time. You know this is the best for everyone.”

  “…Don’t,” she said in a whisper.

  “Don’t what?” He sighed. “Treasure, look, if not for me and you, baby, for the sake of Brian and Asia. Don’t you think they deserve you giving us another chance? I sure as hell do.”

  “Jackson…it’s been a long day, and I’m tired. I just want to go to bed and I want you to go, too.” She gripped the sheets, twisting them around in an iron grip.

  “You’re tired? Yeah, so am I. I’m tired of not having you in my life.”

  “Okay, okay, Jackson.” She clamped her eyes closed as her aggravation morphed into heated anger with swirls of sorrow. “What I don’t appreciate is you dragging our children into your ploy this evening. How dare you attempt to bring the children into this, make them a bargaining chip?!” She leaned over and snatched the chain on her lamp, illuminating the room as she came alive, breathed in fresh air and woke the hell up once and for all. “What a typical ‘Jackson’ move…when all else fails, try to pull at heartstrings and guilt trips. Sorry, not interested in being in your puppet production and my vacation is long overdue, but the excursion sure isn’t planned for Remorse Island!”

  She knew from his silence that the man was astonished, appalled, had fallen flat on his lying face. For a quick second he must have thought his slick, greasy words were working their snake-oil charm on her. She smirked, milking the moment like a golden cow, basking in the satisfaction. The only thing that would have topped the night like a succulent cherry would’ve been seeing his face crack and break into tiny pieces upon the ground…and her leap up and smash the remains with her heel.

  “You really thought this would work, didn’t you? Wow…” She grinned in disbelief and shook her head. “You thought that if you apologized and asked for a reconciliation, bringing up the children for good measure, I’d give it the old ‘college try’. Jackson, you must’ve confused me for some fool that graduated top of the class from Imbecile University located smack dab in the land of Stupid-Ville! First, you treat me like trash during our marriage. Then, you cheat on me multiple times. Then, you move your whore into your house. Then, you question me about my boyfriend and call my mother, tattletale on me like I’d done you wrong, and now this! How can you stand yourself?!

  “Since you’ve been gone, I’ve learned a lot about myself, one thing being, I am wiser, better and stronger than I ever dreamed possible. You cheating on me, the lies you told, the cruel things you said over the years to pump up your ego by deflating my own, in some ways, set me free. It forced me to not live my life via what you told me I was, but instead, based on what I knew I was to become!”

  “This is about the garbage man, right?” He chuckled mirthlessly. “You’re gettin’ some good sex, and now he’s made you think you’re top shit. You’re not, Treasure!”

  “Ahhhh yes, here is the real Jackson!” She chuckled. “Here is the man I know all too well! Welcome back!”

  “A younger, muscular white guy blows your back out, and now you have all the confidence in the goddamn world! He doesn’t want you, Treasure! He’s just using you!”

  “Oh really? Thank you for your insight.” She rolled her eyes. “Well, as the song goes, if it feels this good being used, he can use me up! Now, I have a busy day tomorrow. Don’t you call me unless it is about the children, do you hear me?! Don’t call here again talking about getting back together, none of that shit anymore, and you and my mother can both stick your advice and opinions where the sun don’t shine. Neither one of you is fit to dole out any guidance, at any time, on any subject matter unless it is regarding your mutual insanity! I’d like to go back to sleep now, so if you’d excuse me…”

  “Treasure, what is with some of you black women now, huh?” He chuckled. “You think these white guys are like some savior, Jesus comin’ to get you! You and your attitudes and entitled ways! Newsflash, we’re all the fuckin’ same! He ain’t no better than me! You think his ass is going to ride up on some horse and save you, like he is a messiah! I’m so sick of this shit. So because a black man pissed you off, you go runnin’ off to the other side, like you really showing me, huh? Don’t you see what you’re doing?!”

  “Funny how you didn’t feel that way when you cheated with not one, but several women, some of whom—including the woman currently hemmed up in your house—were white! So you can take all that regurgitated, manipulative, sorry ass rhetoric screwed up men like you like to spew, and fuck off. I never heard you talk about your homeboys dating white women as being a bad thing. I never heard you tell our son to stop dating white girls, either, but suddenly when I do it, it’s gotta be because I hate black men and I must be set straight! I don’t think of you enough to even care about getting revenge, bastard! I’m not checking for you, you aren’t on my radar, in my dreams, my thoughts, nothing! Go play in rush-hour traffic, Jackson. You can miss me with that bullshit! You are sitting here on the phone acting like some hurt little child or some jealous mistress begging for a second chance to home-wreck! Since you want to act like your sweetheart, I’ll talk to you like your girlfriend. BITCH, SWERVE!”

  “I want you to remember something, woman,” he said, his tone threatening, angry, seething and rising with rage like violent waves against a sandy shore. “This is exactly why us black men started dating white women…this type of fucked up attitude right here!”

  “I’m yawning in case you didn’t hear that…you want an instant replay?” She asked lazily.

  “Yeah, you real funny, Treasure. I want you to remember that I tried to put our family back together. When you are all alone again and he’s moved on to another sugar mama, or someone more attractive and younger, closer to his own damn age, I want you to remember that you had a chance to have it all, and you blew it!”

  “Jackson, if my boyfriend calls me right this second and says, ‘Treasure, I was only with you for a little fun and I’m now moving on,’ it would hurt like hell, I’ll admit that to you. It would hurt, because I love him so very much, but you know what, Jackson? The difference now is, I know I’d be alright soon enough, damn it!” she yelled, rising and pointing about the room as if the motherfucker were standing right there before her. “I know I’d get over it, survive and make it! He and I love each other in ways you’d never understand. That man has given me the green light, let me feel okay in my own damn skin. He doesn’t want anything from me but my love, and I don’t care if you believe that or not. This isn’t about you, it’s about me, and no matter how you twist and turn it, the Jackson Show is cancelled, off the air for good, without even a damn re-run, and now it’s my turn to shine! I have strength to continue on, with or without him and anyone else in this world, minus my children!

  “I have the tools, the self-esteem and the confidence to do so! It’s not just about the person I’m with, it’s about the experiences that he’s given me, and he is a damn good man! He has honor and integrity, knows how to treat a woman, unlike you! Now, if there is anything else you wish to toss my way to try to ruin my new attitude, my new lease on life and how I see myself in this big, wide world, you can try me if ya want to, but
you’ll fall like Autumn, flail like a fish, and fail like Jackson, you paranoid, emotionally abusive, simple-minded motherfucker!”

  And with that, she disconnected the call.

  Treasure slammed her cell phone back down on the nightstand, plucked the light chord, and wrapped herself up in the sheets tighter than butterfly larvae in a cocoon.

  Calling me with that bullshit! Some damn nerve! Goodnight, Jackson. Take your kangaroo court tactics somewhere else. Love for you doesn’t live here anymore, because I love myself first!

  *

  Sean sat in one of the hundreds of folding taupe metal chairs in the wedding reception hall. Asia, dressed like a lily of the valley and her face twisted up into a knot, leaned in close to him and whispered, “My Aunt Jasmine has been married three times before!” She spoke behind a cluster of giggles, gossiping in the way young girls do. Sean smirked at the young lady, getting a kick out of the revelation all the same.

  “Well,” he shrugged, “some people have to keep doing the same thing over and over till they get it right. She’s an optimist, I suppose.”

  “An optimist? What’s that?” The girl’s brow rose as she leaned back from him, waiting for an explanation.

  “It’s a person who looks at the bright side of things” He slumped a bit in his seat. “Like, something bad might happen, ya know? But they’ll find the good in it. Like say, for instance, you fall off your bike and skin your knee, right? But while you’re on the ground, you notice a five dollar bill lyin’ there. Instead of focusing on the pain, you think how lucky you are to have found that money…things like that.”

  “Ohhh, yeah, I get it!”

  Brian plopped down on his other side like a gray cloud about to shit turds of despair. The boy had been in a foul mood since they’d entered the place. He’d been torn away from a Saturday evening of glee and trouble, the kind that only a sixteen-year-old boy could enjoy. Nevertheless, there he sat now at his mother’s insistence, hating every minute of it, and making no secret of his extreme dismay.