Complete Works of Oscar Wilde

by Oscar Wilde

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Oh, I came straight in from the terrace, Lady Hunstanton, just as I was. You didn’t tell me you had a party.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Not a party. Only a few guests who are staying in the house, and whom you must know. Allow me. (Tries to help her. Rings bell.) Caroline, this is Mrs. Arbuthnot, one of my sweetest friends. Lady Caroline Pontefract, Lady Stutfield, Mrs. Allonby, and my young American friend, Miss Worsley, who has just been telling us all how wicked we are.

  HESTER: I am afraid you think I spoke too strongly, Lady Hunstanton. But there are some things in England –

  LADY HUNSTANTON: My dear young lady, there was a great deal of truth, I dare say, in what you said, and you looked very pretty while you said it, which is much more important, Lord Illingworth would tell us. The only point where I thought you were a little hard was about Lady Caroline’s brother, about poor Lord Henry. He is really such good company.

  Enter Footman.

  Take Mrs. Arbuthnot’s things.

  Exit Footman with wraps.

  HESTER: Lady Caroline, I had no idea it was your brother. I am sorry for the pain I must have caused you – I –

  LADY CAROLINE: My dear Miss Worsley, the only part of your little speech, if I may so term it, with which I thoroughly agreed, was the part about my brother. Nothing that you could possibly say could be too bad for him. I regard Henry as infamous, absolutely infamous. But I am bound to state, as you were remarking, Jane, that he is excellent company, and he has one of the best cooks in London, and after a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.

  LADY HUNSTANTON (to MISS WORSLEY): Now, do come, dear, and make friends with Mrs. Arbuthnot. She is one of the good, sweet, simple people you told us we never admitted into society. I am sorry to say Mrs. Arbuthnot comes very rarely to me. But that is not my fault.

  MRS. ALLONBY: What a bore it is the men staying so long after dinner! I expect they are saying the most dreadful things about us.

  LADY STUTFIELD: Do you really think so?

  MRS. ALLONBY: I am sure of it.

  LADY STUTFIELD: How very, very horrid of them! Shall we go on to the terrace?

  MRS. ALLONBY: Oh, anything to get away from the dowagers and the dowdies. (Rises and goes with LADY STUTFIELD to door L. C.) We are only going to look at the stars, Lady Hunstanton.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: You will find a great many, dear, a great many. But don’t catch cold. (To MRS. ARBUTHNOT): We shall all miss Gerald so much, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: But has Lord Illingworth really offered to make Gerald his secretary?

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Oh, yes! He has been most charming about it. He has the highest possible opinion of your boy. You don’t know Lord Illingworth, I believe, dear.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: I have never met him.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: You know him by name, no doubt?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: I am afraid I don’t. I live so much out of the world, and see so few people. I remember hearing years ago of an old Lord Illingworth who lived in Yorkshire, I think.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Ah, yes. That would be the last Earl but one. He was a very curious man. He wanted to marry beneath him. Or wouldn’t, I believe. There was some scandal about it. The present Lord Illingworth is quite different. He is very distinguished. He does – well, he does nothing, which I am afraid our pretty American visitor here thinks very wrong of anybody, and I don’t know that he cares much for the subjects in which you are so interested, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot. Do you think, Caroline, that Lord Illingworth is interested in the Housing of the Poor?

  LADY CAROLINE: I should fancy not at all, Jane.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: We all have our different tastes, have we not? But Lord Illingworth has a very high position, and there is nothing he couldn’t get if he chose to ask for it. Of course, he is comparatively a young man still, and he has only come to his title within – how long exactly is it, Caroline, since Lord Illingworth succeeded?

  LADY CAROLINE: About four years, I think, Jane. I know it was the same year in which my brother had his last exposure in the evening newspapers.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Ah, I remember. That would be about four years ago. Of course, there were a great many people between the present Lord Illingworth and the title, Mrs. Arbuthnot. There was – who was there, Caroline?

  LADY CAROLINE: There was poor Margaret’s baby. You remember how anxious she was to have a boy, and it was a boy, but it died, and her husband died shortly afterwards, and she married almost immediately, one of Lord Ascot’s sons, who, I am told, beats her.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Ah, that is in the family, dear, that is in the family. And there was also, I remember, a clergyman who wanted to be a lunatic, or a lunatic who wanted to be a clergyman, I forget which, but I know the Court of Chancery investigated the matter, and decided that he was quite sane. And I saw him afterwards at poor Lord Plumstead’s with straws in his hair, or something very odd about him. I can’t recall what. I often regret, Lady Caroline, that dear Lady Cecilia never lived to see her son get the title.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Lady Cecilia?

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Lord Illingworth’s mother, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot, was one of the Duchess of Jerningham’s pretty daughters, and she married Sir Thomas Harford, who wasn’t considered a very good match for her at the time, though he was said to be the handsomest man in London. I knew them all quite intimately, and both the sons, Arthur and George.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: It was the eldest son who succeeded, of course, Lady Hunstanton?

  LADY HUNSTANTON: No, dear, he was killed in the hunting field. Or was it fishing, Caroline? I forget. But George came in for everything. I always tell him that no younger son has ever had such good luck as he has had.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Lady Hunstanton, I want to speak to Gerald at once. Might I see him? Can he be sent for?

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Certainly, dear. I will send one of the servants into the dining-room to fetch him. I don’t know what keeps the gentlemen so long. (Rings bell.) When I knew Lord Illingworth first as plain George Harford, he was simply a very brilliant young man about town, with not a penny of money except what poor dear Lady Cecilia gave him. She was quite devoted to him. Chiefly, I fancy, because he was on bad terms with his father. Oh, here is the dear Archdeacon. (To Servant): It doesn’t matter.

  Enter SIR JOHN and DOCTOR DAUBENY. SIR JOHN goes over to LADY STUTFIELD, DOCTOR DAUBENY to LADY HUNSTANTON.

  THE ARCHDEACON: Lord Illingworth has been most entertaining. I have never enjoyed myself more. (Sees MRS. ARBUTHNOT.) Ah, Mrs. Arbuthnot.

  LADY HUNSTANTON (to DOCTOR DAUBENY): You see I have got Mrs. Arbuthnot to come to me at last.

  THE ARCHDEACON: That is a great honour, Lady Hunstanton. Mrs. Daubeny will be quite jealous of you.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Ah, I am so sorry Mrs. Daubeny could not come with you to-night. Headache as usual, I suppose.

  THE ARCHDEACON: Yes, Lady Hunstanton; a perfect martyr. But she is happiest alone. She is happiest alone.

  LADY CAROLINE (to her husband): John!

  SIR JOHN goes over to his wife. DOCTOR DAUBENY talks to LADY HUNSTANTON and MRS. ARBUTHNOT.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT watches LORD ILLINGWORTH the whole time. He has passed across the room without noticing her, and approaches MRS. ALLONBY, who with LADY STUTFIELD is standing by the door looking on to the terrace.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: How is the most charming woman in the world?

  MRS. ALLONBY (taking LADY STUTFIELD by the hand): We are both quite well, thank you, Lord Illingworth. But what a short time you have been in the dining-room! It seems as if we had only just left.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: I was bored to death. Never opened my lips the whole time. Absolutely longing to come in to you.

  MRS. ALLONBY: You should have. The American girl has been giving us a lecture.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: Really? All Americans lecture, I believe. I suppose it is something in their climate. What did she lecture about?

  MRS. ALLONBY: Oh, Puritanism, of course.

 
; LORD ILLINGWORTH: I am going to convert her, am I not? How long do you give me?

  MRS. ALLONBY: A week.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: A week is more than enough.

  Enter GERALD and LORD ALFRED.

  GERALD (going to MRS. ARBUTHNOT): Dear mother!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Gerald, I don’t feel at all well. See me home, Gerald. I shouldn’t have come.

  GERALD: I am so sorry, mother. Certainly. But you must know Lord Illingworth first. (Goes across room.)

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Not to-night, Gerald.

  GERALD: Lord Illingworth, I want you so much to know my mother.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: With the greatest pleasure. (To MRS. ALLONBY): I’ll be back in a moment. People’s mothers always bore me to death. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.

  MRS. ALLONBY: No man does. That is his.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: What a delightful mood you are in to-night! (Turns round and goes across with GERALD to MRS. ARBUTHNOT. When he sees her, he starts back in wonder. Then slowly his eyes turn towards GERALD.)

  GERALD: Mother, this is Lord Illingworth, who has offered to take me as his private secretary.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT bows coldly.

  It is a wonderful opening for me, isn’t it? I hope he won’t be disappointed in me, that is all. You’ll thank Lord Illingworth, mother, won’t you?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Lord Illingworth is very good, I am sure, to interest himself in you for the moment.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH (putting his hand on GERALD’S shoulder): Oh, Gerald and I are great friends already, Mrs…Arbuthnot.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: There can be nothing in common between you and my son, Lord Illingworth.

  GERALD: Dear mother, how can you say so? Of course, Lord Illingworth is awfully clever and that sort of thing. There is nothing Lord Illingworth doesn’t know.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: My dear boy!

  GERALD: He knows more about life than any one I have ever met. I feel an awful duffer when I am with you, Lord Illingworth. Of course, I have had so few advantages. I have not been to Eton or Oxford like other chaps. But Lord Illingworth doesn’t seem to mind that. He has been awfully good to me, mother.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Lord Illingworth may change his mind. He may not really want you as his secretary.

  GERALD: Mother!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: You must remember, as you said yourself, you have had so few advantages.

  MRS. ALLONBY: Lord Illingworth, I want to speak to you for a moment. Do come over.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: Will you excuse me, Mrs. Arbuthnot? Now, don’t let your charming mother make any more difficulties, Gerald. The thing is quite settled, isn’t it?

  GERALD: I hope so.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH goes across to MRS. ALLONBY.

  MRS. ALLONBY: I thought you were never going to leave the lady in black velvet.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: She is excessively handsome. (Looks at MRS. ARBUTHNOT.)

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Caroline, shall we all make a move to the music-room? Miss Worsley is going to play. You’ll come too, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot, won’t you? You don’t know what a treat is in store for you. (To DOCTOR DAUBENY): I must really take Miss Worsley down some afternoon to the rectory. I should so much like dear Mrs. Daubeny to hear her on the violin. Ah, I forgot. Dear Mrs. Daubeny’s hearing is a little defective, is it not?

  THE ARCHDEACON: Her deafness is a great privation to her. She can’t even hear my sermons now. She reads them at home. But she has many resources in herself, many resources.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: She reads a good deal, I suppose?

  THE ARCHDEACON: Just the very largest print. The eyesight is rapidly going. But she’s never morbid, never morbid.

  GERALD (to LORD ILLINGWORTH): Do speak to my mother, Lord Illingworth, before you go into the music-room. She seems to think, somehow, you don’t mean what you said to me.

  MRS. ALLONBY: Aren’t you coming?

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: In a few moments. Lady Hunstanton, if Mrs. Arbuthnot would allow me, I would like to say a few words to her, and we will join you later on.

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Ah, of course. You will have a great deal to say to her, and she will have a great deal to thank you for. It is not every son who gets such an offer, Mrs. Arbuthnot. But I know you appreciate that, dear.

  LADY CAROLINE: John!

  LADY HUNSTANTON: Now, don’t keep Mrs. Arbuthnot too long, Lord Illingworth. We can’t spare her.

  Exit following the other guests. Sound of violin heard from music-room.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: So that is our son, Rachel! Well, I am very proud of him. He is a Harford, every inch of him. By the way, why Arbuthnot, Rachel?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: One name is as good as another, when one has no right to any name.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: I suppose so – but why Gerald?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: After a man whose heart I broke – after my father.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: Well, Rachel, what is over is over. All I have got to say now is that I am very, very much pleased with our boy. The world will know him merely as my private secretary, but to me he will be something very near, and very dear. It is a curious thing, Rachel; my life seemed to be quite complete. It was not so. It lacked something, it lacked a son. I have found my son now. I am glad I have found him.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: You have no right to claim him, or the smallest part of him. The boy is entirely mine, and shall remain mine.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: My dear Rachel, you have had him to yourself for over twenty years. Why not let me have him for a little now? He is quite as much mine as yours.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Are you talking of the child you abandoned? Of the child who, as far as you are concerned, might have died of hunger and of want?

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: You forget, Rachel, it was you who left me. It was not I who left you.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: I left you because you refused to give the child a name. Before my son was born, I implored you to marry me.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: I had no expectations then. And besides, Rachel, I wasn’t much older than you were. I was only twenty-two. I was twenty-one, I believe, when the whole thing began in your father’s garden.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: When a man is old enough to do wrong he should be old enough to do right also.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: My dear Rachel, intellectual generalities are always interesting, but generalities in morals mean absolutely nothing. As for saying I left our child to starve, that, of course, is untrue and silly. My mother offered you six hundred a year. But you wouldn’t take anything. You simply disappeared, and carried the child away with you.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: I wouldn’t have accepted a penny from her. Your father was different. He told you, in my presence, when we were in Paris, that it was your duty to marry me.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: Oh, duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself. Of course, I was influenced by my mother. Every man is when he is young.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: I am glad to hear you say so. Gerald shall certainly not go away with you.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: What nonsense, Rachel!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Do you think I would allow my son –

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: Our son.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: My son – (LORD ILLINGWORTH shrugs his shoulders) – to go away with the man who spoiled my youth, who ruined my life, who has tainted every moment of my days? You don’t realise what my past has been in suffering and in shame.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: My dear Rachel, I must candidly say that I think Gerald’s future considerably more important than your past.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: Gerald cannot separate his future from my past.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: That is exactly what he should do. That is exactly what you should help him to do. What a typical woman you are! You talk sentimentally and you are thoroughly selfish the whole time. But don’t let us have a scene. Rachel, I want you to look at this matter from the commonsense point of view, from the point of view of what is best for our son, leaving you and me out of the question. What is our son at present? An
underpaid clerk in a small Provincial Bank in a third-rate English town. If you imagine he is quite happy in such a position, you are mistaken. He is thoroughly discontented.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: He was not discontented till he met you. You have made him so.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: Of course I made him so. Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation. But I did not leave him with a mere longing for things he could not get. No, I made him a charming offer. He jumped at it, I need hardly say. Any young man would. And now, simply because it turns out that I am the boy’s own father and he my own son, you propose practically to ruin his career. That is to say, if I were a perfect stranger, you would allow Gerald to go away with me, but as he is my own flesh and blood you won’t. How utterly illogical you are!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: I will not allow him to go.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: How can you prevent it? What excuse can you give to him for making him decline such an offer as mine? I won’t tell him in what relations I stand to him, I need hardly say. But you daren’t tell him. You know that. Look how you have brought him up.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: I have brought him up to be a good man.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH: Quite so. And what is the result? You have educated him to be your judge if he ever finds you out. And a bitter, an unjust judge he will be to you. Don’t be deceived, Rachel. Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT: George, don’t take my son away from me. I have had twenty years of sorrow, and I have only had one thing to love me, only one thing to love. You have had a life of joy, and pleasure, and success. You have been quite happy, you have never thought of us. There was no reason, according to your views of life, why you should have remembered us at all. Your meeting us was a mere accident, a horrible accident. Forget it. Don’t come now, and rob me of – of all I have in the whole world. You are so rich in other things. Leave me the little vineyard of my life; leave me the walled-in garden and the well of water; the ewe-lamb God sent me, in pity or in wrath, oh, leave me that. George, don’t take Gerald from me.