Some Kind of Hell

by London Casey

  Tatum nodded to me, mouthing go…

  And that’s what we did.

  We left.

  Logan and I, together.

  21

  I held Logan in my bed, more nervous than the first time we were naked in the same bed together. We were over the covers, our shoes and socks off. I took advantage of the situation by enjoying the smell of Logan. How much I’d missed that smell. His head rested on my right breast. Each time he moved or talked it made my toes curl, wanting him so bad. I hadn’t been touched since… a while. No matter the situations going on I couldn’t help myself and how I felt about Logan. How much he turned me on. How easily he turned me on.

  My right hand played with his hair. My left hand scratched his arm.

  We were in silence for a long time before Logan said anything.

  “When did you find out?” he asked.

  “Find out what?”

  His hand moved and he touched my stomach with his pointer finger as though it were made of deadly acid or something.

  “I just felt so much happening at once,” I said. “I threw up at your last show, when you started playing that new song. Maggie made a joke about it but then I started to put dates together. I used to be obsessed with calendars and time, before I met you. Then I completely lost it…”

  “I know how it happened,” Logan said, “but… how?”

  I swallowed and hugged him. “I never got more birth control. After things ended with Jared, I just stopped. I didn’t think anything would happen. And I should have thought about it and said something…”

  “I should have done something,” Logan said.

  It was the first time he came close to admitting involvement in the situation.

  “No,” I said.

  “Yes. I always… well, before,” he said.

  “Always what?” I asked.

  Logan turned his head and looked at me. He was suddenly in control, hovering over me. Looking at me. The passion flickering in his eyes. He was coming to life, back to me.

  “You were the first person I, you know, without protection,” Logan said.

  I don’t know why but it shocked me. I figured being a sexy rockstar meant free game for anything he wanted. And maybe that was the case, but that didn’t mean he had to be stupid about it.

  “Really?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know,” Logan said. “With you, everything feels right. I couldn’t ruin the moment. I couldn’t stop myself. I just… wanted it. You. So bad.”

  Logan lowered his mouth, keeping a very short distance between us. I moaned already and didn’t care.

  I needed Logan right then.

  His hand moved down my body again and he stopped between my legs. He touched me, his fingers curling, pressing, rubbing. I swallowed and took a desperate breath. I moved my lips up and brushed against Logan’s mouth.

  “Logan,” I said, “I need you.”

  “I know,” he whispered.

  Then he kissed me.

  Our lips came together with the same fire as before. The kiss skipped anything slow and romantic. We went right for the lust filled wild need. Our lips and tongues came together, savoring and wrestling. Logan’s fingers moved to my pants. He unbuttoned them and slid his hand into my pants. Over my panties, he was back between my legs, pressing again, feeling the warmth of my core. I groaned again and he groaned back. He pulled me so we were both sideways on the bed. When his hand moved again, his fingertips teasing along the line of my panties, my body thrust at him. I couldn’t play any games. My body couldn’t take it.

  He touched me, finally, his fingers to my body. With one finger he played and teased, smiling at he did so. I continued to try and kiss him, kissing his bottom lip first, nibbling. I kissed his top lip and moaned again as he slid a finger into me.

  I managed to collect myself enough to touch him. We then began to move everywhere, me rolling on top of him so he could undress me. He tore my top off me and I sat up tall to unsnap my own bra. His hands cupped my chest and I put my hands on his, never wanting him to let go. I was perfectly positioned on him, feeling his intense thickness. I started to grind on him, taking some control. Then, Logan rolled me off him and rolled on top of me. My hands then worked in a fury to strip him of his pants. I pushed his pants and boxers halfway down his legs before I lost interest in his pants and found interest in something else. My hand touched him, gripped him, pulled him, stroked him.

  Logan kicked his clothes off, fighting against me, but I didn’t stop.

  I couldn’t stop.

  I needed to touch him.

  On his knees, he touched my legs. He squeezed and jumped, opening my legs. I let out a laugh, a pleasure filled laugh. As I stared at Logan’s perfectly chiseled body and then to his eyes, everything felt okay. It was like I had woken up from that terrible nightmare I must have been having. Then I saw Logan look at my flat stomach. There were no signs I was pregnant but I could see his eyes change, even for a second or two. I reached for Logan’s waist and pulled, wanting him inside me.

  He came forward and did just that.

  With a hard thrust, Logan entered me.

  The sensations soared everywhere. I felt pleasure and pressure colliding in an explosive fashion. Logan didn’t have a single care either, taking control and taking his emotions out on me. He thrust hard, he grunted, he moved faster by the second, and he kept his eyes locked to mine. We literally stared at each other the entire time.

  There were times when I felt like we were madly in love with each other, giving each other our bodies as that symbol of love. But then there were times when I had the chilling feeling that I would never have Logan touch me again. That we were fucking to say goodbye.

  Either way, when we climaxed and it ended, Logan and I crawled under my covers. The lights were off, the room black and silent. Logan made me turn around so he could press his naked body against mine.

  I didn’t mind one bit.

  I felt his breath against my neck and shoulder. His right hand cupped my right breast, gently massaging me, teasing me, making me want to turn around and have him again. Just as I seriously considered doing it, Logan’s hand moved away from my breast. His fingers trailed down and he stopped at my stomach. His open hand was widespread as he touched me.

  He didn’t say a word and neither did I.

  Tears flooded my eyes.

  As I fell asleep I wasn’t sure if I was crying from relief, happiness, or pain.

  22

  I woke to the sound of knocking.

  Loud knocking.

  Hard knocking.

  And a muffled voice.

  I grumbled and put the pillows over my head. I didn’t want to deal with a thing. I wanted to just be in bed all damn day with Logan. To hold him. To have him hold me. To talk about things. To move forward in all our lives.

  “Annie,” Maggie’s voice called again and again.

  “Go away!” I cried out.

  But Maggie didn’t go away. That’s not what made her one of my closest friends. If she went away and listened, we wouldn’t have been friends. She opened my bedroom door and came inside. I had to smile, because she was about to find both me and Logan naked in bed.

  Maggie touched me and shook me.

  “Annie, wake up,” she said.

  I lifted my head and moved the hair out of my face. I rolled to my side and let the covers fall down far enough to let Maggie see that I wasn’t wearing a top.

  “Are you naked?” she asked.

  “Yup,” I said. “Do you mind?”

  “Mind what?”

  “Soon as Logan wakes up, we’re…”

  Maggie’s eyes told me what I’d find. I sat up, holding the covers to my chest. I looked to my right and the bed was empty.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  “That’s why I’m trying to wake you up,” Maggie said. “Logan’s… kind of gone.”

  “What do you mean gone?”

/>   “He was supposed to be at band practice an hour ago.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Noon,” Maggie said.

  “Noon?” I yelled.

  Wow. I had a really long good night of sleep. I guess that’s what sleeping with a guy from DownCrash would do to a girl.

  “Yes,” Maggie said. “They were supposed to practice. They have another show, tonight, and Tripp doesn’t want the same thing to happen…”

  “Yeah, that was rough,” I said.

  “Uh, it’s about to get rougher… or worse… or whatever… nobody can get a hold of Logan.”

  “Shit,” I said.

  I climbed from my bed, holding the covers to me. I looked at Maggie and looked down, then back up.

  “Fine,” she said and left the room.

  I hurried to get dressed and met her at the table. I got a cup of coffee and sat, unsure what to do. My heart was hurting but not as much as I thought it would. Maybe part of me expected it to happen. To have Logan up and leave.

  “Did they check his apartment? His hometown?” I asked.

  “That’s what Tatum said,” Maggie replied. “He’s just gone.”

  “What about the cemetery? Where his grandfather was buried?”

  “I don’t think cemeteries have phones,” Maggie said.

  I scowled at her. My stomach hurt as I thought about Logan driving around. I thought about his car. The clothes, instruments…

  “He’s probably sleeping in his car somewhere,” I said. “I bet you.”

  “Yeah, but where?” Maggie asked.

  And that was the question of the day.

  The minutes lingered, adding into hours, and nothing happened. Maggie and I both left and drove our own cars, looking for Logan. I knew there was no use in doing it, but I wanted to get out of the apartment and think.

  It hurt.

  It really did hurt.

  I pulled over on a back road and sat there starting at a tree. I opened the sunroof on my car and listened to the sounds of natures. Leaves rustling. Squirrels jumping branch to branch, tree to tree. Bugs and animals talking to each other.

  I grabbed my phone and had to text Logan.

  I hope you know you can trust me. Always. I just want to know you’re okay.

  I sent the message and bit my lip as my thumb went to the calendar.

  I begged myself not to do it.

  Just… don’t…

  But I did.

  I opened the calendar and started scrolling backwards. This was Annie’s little trip through time. I hated myself for doing it. But it was a comfort thing. I needed to do it to keep my mind from going bonkers.

  I found the date we first fucked.

  I found the date I met Logan.

  I went back even more.

  I found the date when I moved into Maggie’s apartment.

  I found the date when Jared and I split. That date when he told me had another girl. And that the girl was pregnant. How I knew it was coming…

  I threw my phone to the passenger seat and gripped the steering wheel wishing I could just steer to another time. Another life. Another everything. To a place where Logan was happy, his grandfather was alive, DownCrash toured the world, and maybe a place where I just faded off into a sunset.

  Part of me almost wanted to be back with Jared, pregnant with his baby for the financial benefits. The second the thought crossed my mind, I wanted to slap myself. How sick of a thought could I have? Did I really want that kind of life?

  My phone buzzed and it was reply from Logan.

  I’m alive, if that’s what you’re asking.

  I sighed in relief.

  I know you’re alive, Logan. You were supposed to be at band practice. And there’s a show tonight. Your band is looking for you. They’re your family…

  I sent the message and never got a response.

  I let another thirty minutes pass before I turned the car around and drove home. There I found Maggie waiting as she was getting ready. When I saw her with a brush to her hair I thought about the show that night.

  What was going to happen?

  She read my eyes and let the brush stick in her knotted hair as she hugged me. She squeezed me and didn’t say a word because there was nothing to say that would fix a thing in that moment.

  I wanted to cry but nothing came to me.

  Had I grown that accustomed to being let down that it didn’t bother me anymore? If that was the case then I had some real problems in life. That was a path of numbness and routine… the same path I had with Jared.

  “Do you think he’ll show up?” Maggie finally asked me.

  “I think he will,” I said.

  I told her he texted me, once, but at least it was a response.

  “I don’t know what to think right now,” Maggie said. “Tripp and Tatum are beside themselves. And Jason isn’t helping matters.”

  “Why? What’s wrong with him?”

  “He’s moving forward,” Maggie said. “He wants everything done right now. The studio time is booked and paid for, so he kind of can’t mess around.”

  The studio.

  DownCrash was supposed to be going into the studio in less than a week.

  Less than a week.

  It was their chance to record something that would get them to the next level.

  “I just wish Logan would use all this to motivate him,” Maggie said. “To inspire him…”

  “All this?” I asked.

  “Yeah. His grandfather. You.”

  “I’m just a situation I guess,” I said. “Something to use for motivation.”

  “No, Annie, not like that. Christ. I meant like to pull him out of it. You know?”

  I didn’t know.

  I shook my head.

  “Like why can’t he take the pain from his grandfather’s death and use it to play guitar? His grandfather played guitar, taught him, right? And with you… he has a big reason to get signed and make money…”

  “A big reason,” I said.

  “Annie…”

  “I guess we’re not all perfect like you and Scarlett, huh?”

  I walked to my room and slammed the door.

  Maggie and I wouldn’t speak to one another until we were in my car going to the DownCrash show.

  If there was a DownCrash show.

  We arrived and when I saw just Tripp and Tatum standing backstage, their hands in their pockets, Tripp with a foot against the wall, Tatum’s tongue flicking at his lip piercing with force, I knew things were going from bad to worse in a hurry. I was quick to tell them that I had heard from Logan through text at least once that day. It was more than Tripp and Tatum heard from him.

  They wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn’t blame them. I felt like I had caused this to happen. Sure, I didn’t have a thing to do with his grandfather’s death but before I came into the picture, everything was fine. Logan was normal. DownCrash kicked ass. Life was good.

  I walked the long and lonely hall to the front of the club and waited for Maggie to meet me there. She lingered much longer than I wished she would have but it seemed like everyone was on the verge of breaking down and the tension was going to explode.

  Maggie did come to me and she hugged me. Out of nowhere. She just wrapped her arms around me and squeezed.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  I opened my mouth to respond but the lights went out.

  The crowd cheered.

  They were ready for a DownCrash show.

  I had no idea what they were really going to get.

  When the lights came back on, there were only two people on stage.

  Tripp and Tatum.

  They each wore a guitar and they looked nervous as hell.

  “Hey everyone,” Tripp said.

  The crowd cheered back.

  “I’m really sorry… but we have some bad news. Those who don’t know yet will be sad to find out that our bassist, Logan, had a death in his family.”

  The crow
d all seemed to sigh at the same time. A few people shouted condolences and it bothered me. The fans knew nothing of what was going on. But that wasn’t the right kind of thinking, was it? The fan made DownCrash what they were…

  “But we’re dedicated to our shows,” Tatum said. “And our band. For you, the fans, and for Logan, who couldn’t be here tonight.”

  The crowd booed.

  “That doesn’t mean there won’t be a show though,” Tripp said.

  He lifted his guitar and smiled.

  Tatum did the same and the two took seats right there on stage and started to play. They stared at each other and slowly worked into an impromptu rock concert… well, an acoustic rock concert.

  And damn if it wasn’t amazing.

  Not that I’d ever wish for anything bad to happen to Tripp or Tatum but I sort of hoped without Logan the band couldn’t function.

  That theory was shattered as Tripp and Tatum played.

  They were so good and so in sync, singing, playing, trading solos, laughing, and engaging the crowd. They took a terrible situation and made it quite amazing actually. It was the kind of show people would talk about for years. The show that would be brought up for the entire career of DownCrash.

  At one point Tatum brought pieces of his drum set out and started to play drums with brushes while Tripp played guitar and sang.

  The two of them commanded the crowd for almost two straight hours, playing any and all DownCrash songs and even started to take requests from the crowd for covers. They literally could play anything and it kind of became a game to try to challenge Tripp and Tatum on stage. The concert was more of a jam session… with a thousand friends there to laugh and cheer.

  “There’s one last song we want to play,” Tripp said. “It’s new… and it was written by Logan. This is for him. For his heart.” Tripp’s eyes turned and looked at me. “For all he’s going through.”

  Wow. Talk about a dagger to the heart.

  The first time DownCrash played that song live I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up. That was the beginning of thinking about being pregnant. And then as I stood there listening to Logan’s beautiful song being played by just Tripp and Tatum, I wanted to throw up again.

  How could have things gotten so bad so fast?

  Tripp and Tatum traded solos, Tripp playing the parts Logan should have been playing. It hurt me each time Tripp played a note Logan had written for himself.