Some Kind of Hell

by London Casey

  The pregnancy?

  The baby?

  The…

  “Annie,” Logan said, looking down at me.

  “I’ll let you two talk,” the nurse said. “But I’m a button press away if you need anything.”

  “Logan, what happened last night?” I asked.

  “You’re not pregnant anymore,” he said, his words shaky and awkward.

  “What do you mean…”

  But then it came to me.

  The pain.

  The blood.

  I closed my eyes for a second.

  “I…”

  “… lost it,” Logan said. “That’s what happened. But you passed out as Tripp and Maggie hurried to get you here. You were confused and dehydrated while everything was happening. So they kept you overnight, just in case.”

  “So, I’m not…”

  “No,” Logan said.

  He licked his lips. I bit on my bottom lip. I looked at Logan for a few seconds and then stared straight ahead at the white wall of the hospital room. My mind flooded with thoughts.

  Should I be happy?

  Should I be upset?

  When I looked to Logan again, I saw the emotion on his face.

  “I know,” he said. “I know.”

  I opened my arms and we hugged each other. We held each other even though the position was very uncomfortable. We needed it.

  I cried for everything. I cried for my life, for Logan’s life, for Logan’s loss, for my loss, for the time I obsessed over, for the time I lost. I cried for love because no matter what had happened I was still in love with Logan. That burning feeling never went away, and something told me it never would.

  Logan cried to me, finally. He squeezed me tight, not wanting me to see him crying and that was fine. I just wanted him to do this, to open to me like this.

  He put his damp cheek to my damp cheek.

  “I’m so sorry, Annie,” he whispered. “I did all this…”

  “No you didn’t,” I said. “We did this together.”

  “No. I shouldn’t have broken my bass and trashed the garage. If that hurt you or made this happen…”

  “It just wasn’t meant to be,” I said. “That’s life.”

  “I fucked up,” Logan said. “I wanted to just fade away and die. He was the man who started this dream for me.”

  “And your dream is coming true.”

  Logan pulled away and wiped his eyes. He then used his thumbs to wipe my tears away. He shook his head.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Do you really think I’m part of DownCrash?”

  “Of course you are,” I said. “Didn’t you talk to them?”

  Logan shook his head. “I came here when Maggie called me.”

  “You spent the night?”

  “Of course I did. Leaving your room was the biggest mistake of my life.”

  “Where did you go, Logan?”

  Logan hung his head. “I had to see if it was still true.”

  “What was true?”

  “That my grandfather was dead.”

  The words were like a punch to my stomach. For being such a strong, sexy man, there was an innocent tone to his voice then. It broke my heart.

  “What did you do?”

  “I went to the cemetery,” Logan said. “I waited for you to fall asleep. I held you, kissed you, smelled you. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get my mind to calm down. It’s funny because when you said you were pregnant, the one person I would have wanted to talk to was… him. But he’s dead. He couldn’t talk to me. I began to wonder if it was all a bad dream. I mean, not you, Annie, but the situations, you know?”

  “I thought the same thing,” I said. “I wanted to wake up from my bad dream with you in my bed…”

  “That’s what I wanted,” Logan said. “So I snuck out and went for a drive. I got to the cemetery and waited for sunlight. I drove through and stopped, walking to what my mind swore to me was going to be a flat patch of grass. My grandmother’s headstone would be there but nothing else. When I saw the mound of fresh dirt, my mind just… went…”

  I reached for Logan’s hand and squeezed. I pulled at his arm, wanting him closer to me. He bent down over the bed again and his nose touched mine.

  “I fucked up,” he said again.

  “We all fucked up,” I said. “But that’s part of life, right? We fuck up and we wait to see who’s there waiting for us. Those who are there are the ones who care the most.”

  “I care,” Logan said. “Annie, my heart hurts because I care so much. If I lose you…”

  “Never,” I said.

  We kissed again and this time nobody interrupted us. We had to stop because it started to get really hot in the room. Logan wanted his body against mine and I wanted the same. I pulled at his hair, touched his stomach, and even teased him at his pants. One of his hands touched my chest and I moaned.

  That’s when we had to stop.

  We laughed and then waited for the doctor to come.

  I was cleared from the hospital two hours later and Logan drove me home.

  “Call them,” I said.

  “Not yet,” Logan replied. “I want you first.”

  I wasn’t going to argue that.

  Logan lifted me and carried me to my room. We couldn’t do exactly what I wanted. My body needed time to recover from what happened. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t enjoy each other’s company.

  We touched, we kissed, we groaned, and we slept.

  We let the day slip away without a care in the world.

  Maggie texted me and I let her know that I was fine. I was out of the hospital and in bed with Logan.

  I asked her about DownCrash and she replied with a long text.

  IDK. They are at the studio right now. Jason called and wanted them there today. I overheard Tatum and Tripp talking to Jason about everything that happened. They were all calm but Jason wants the demo recorded. I heard something about someone already showing interest in the band. Logan needs to call… they aren’t the same without him.

  I turned my phone off and rolled to face Logan.

  He was sleeping.

  I traced lines on his face, wondering what to do. I could give him my phone and let him read the message. Or I could wait it out and let him make the decision. Logan always seemed like the shy one in the band and maybe the coming success had him worried. Had him scared. Maybe it’s not what he wanted.

  The longer I waited the closer the time came for DownCrash to start recording. To record without Logan. That meant someone else would be sitting there, in a studio, playing bass and guitar. It was like… cheating.

  Yes.

  Cheating.

  That was the word that came to me.

  Cheating.

  It was Logan’s job to be the bassist for DownCrash. It was his job to play acoustic guitar when needed. It was his acoustic song that was going to take the demo in a whole new direction and get the band signed.

  I pushed at Logan, waking him.

  “I’m up,” he said and opened his eyes. “You’re nervous.”

  “Me? Why me?”

  “I can feel you breathing,” he said. “You’re driving yourself mad about the band.”

  “How did…”

  “They’re recording, aren’t they?”

  “Maggie sent me a text… if you want to read it…”

  “No,” Logan said. “I’m going to kiss the love of my life and then we’re going to the studio. Right where I belong.”

  25

  The kiss turned into more kissing and thirty minutes later we scrambled to get out of the bed before I lost complete control of my urges. Then Logan hurried to drive to the studio which was close to an hour away. It was the end building of a long strip of stores and looking at it from the outside, nobody would ever know it was a recording studio.

  He parked at the back and I saw the collection of vehicles.

  Tripp’s car.

  Tatum’s car.

&n
bsp; Maggie’s car.

  Scarlett’s car.

  Everyone was there.

  Everyone but Logan. And myself.

  When we got out of the car, Logan came to me and put his arm around me.

  “Annie, you’re part of this,” he said. “Know that. This isn’t just the three of us… there’s six now.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” I said.

  “Yes you did. You loved me. You never stopped. If it wasn’t for you, I would have been gone. I would have gone to the funeral and then just left.”

  “You wouldn’t do that to the guys,” I said.

  “I wouldn’t,” Logan said, “but the person I felt like… he would have been gone. You saved me.”

  “Logan, you saved me too,” I admitted. “Before I met you” - my hands touched his chest and stomach, my fingers curling, wanting him so bad again - “I was lost in time. Literally. I stared at calendars and tried to find the days and moments that made me happy and the days and moments that broke me. It’s sort of ironic because when I met you, I lost track of time and it wasn’t until I got sick did Maggie say something about… well… what happened.”

  Logan smiled. “Then we saved each other.” Logan turned his head towards the building. “Now. Let’s go save DownCrash and this demo.”

  Logan slipped his hand into mine and we walked into the building. We climbed the stairs to the third floor and the second Logan opened the door, I heard music. I heard DownCrash playing. It lasted a few seconds and stopped.

  “Let’s try it again,” a voice said.

  Tripp’s voice.

  Tripp started playing guitar and then a bass came in. I squeezed Logan’s hand, not sure what his reaction would be to seeing someone else playing bass. I hoped he would keep cool and I hoped Tripp and Tatum would give him a chance to talk.

  We walked into the studio area along a small hallway plastered with albums and autographs.

  Then we turned and there it was.

  The open room.

  The recording area.

  The front wall was a large glass window and on the other side of the window were all the computers and mixing equipment. Where they would take DownCrash’s songs and mix and master them into pieces of perfection.

  The song continued and when I saw Tatum playing bass, I sighed in relief.

  The drum kit stood empty, telling me there was only two people playing in DownCrash.

  Tripp waved a hand and ended the song. He took his headphones off and so did Tatum.

  “You guys suck,” Logan said.

  Maybe not the best way to welcome himself back to his bandmates but when Tripp and Tatum saw Logan, they were all smiles. Tatum took the bass off and hurried to Logan. He grabbed Logan by his arms and lifted him off the ground for a second.

  “Shit,” Tatum said.

  “Yeah, I’m here,” Logan said.

  Tatum looked at me. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I said.

  “Maggie told me,” Tatum said. “I’m really sorry, Annie…”

  “Me too,” Tripp said. He put his guitar down and ignored Logan, coming to me. He hugged me, gently and with care. “I’m so sorry for what I said. How I acted.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “It was a rough night, right?”

  “Fuck,” Tripp said.

  Tripp then turned to Logan. His lips puckered and he shoved his hands into his pockets.

  “I’m sorry I scared you, man,” Logan said. “I know with everything that happened…”

  Tripp nodded.

  “There was something kind of cool that came out of it,” Tatum said.

  “What’s that?” Logan asked.

  “Jason made us take pictures of what you did. He wanted to use it as the cover for the demo.”

  “The broken bass and shit?” Logan asked.

  Tatum nodded. Then he looked at me again. “And he wants you to write something up to put on it too. He’s going to call you either today or tomorrow.”

  “I…”

  Tripp cut me off. “What the fuck, man? What were you thinking?”

  “I wasn’t thinking,” Logan said. “I was in pain. I was… like dead or something. I’m sorry.”

  “You scared me,” Tripp said.

  “Aw,” Tatum said. “He was scared.”

  “Fuck off,” Tripp said. His eyes were locked to Logan. “You really scared me. I… I love you, Logan. You’re like a brother to me, you know? To imagine you running out or hurting yourself…”

  Logan grabbed for Tripp and hugged him. “Never, man. Never. The music… Annie… you guys… I’d never…”

  “He’s right though,” Tatum said. “My stomach was in a knot. Even after you tried to punch me. Twice.”

  Logan closed his eyes. “I’m sorry about that too.”

  “You wanted to hit me,” Tatum said. “For a long time I bet.”

  “We all want to hit you,” Tripp said.

  They laughed.

  All three laughed.

  DownCrash was right there, huddled together, embracing their loss, their pain, their hope, and the bond they formed together through music.

  “Can we fucking play or are we going to hug?”

  The voice echoed through the room and I recognized it as Jason’s.

  Logan looked at me and nodded.

  I slowly worked my way to the back room and saw Maggie and Scarlett there. We all hugged. We were, I guess, the girls of DownCrash. We then sat and watched the magic happen.

  The magic of DownCrash.

  The second Logan picked up the bass and Tatum got behind the kit, the sparks began to fly. The energy was back. The recording happened fast and flawless. Jason leaned over the control panel the entire time, nodding, looking at the guy handling all the recording and mixing, laughing at how big the band was going to be.

  And we were right in the front row seats.

  Maggie and Scarlett talked a little and I ignored them. Not because I wanted to but because I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t stop watching.

  26

  And even after the recording was done, I couldn’t stop watching. When we went back to the garage and celebrated, I watched DownCrash. The next day when we all met with Jason to talk about strategy, it started to really sink in. Two days later DownCrash received their demo. In a case, with a cover. The picture of Logan’s bass and amp destroyed, my words I wrote to Logan scattered in the background. The demo had no title other than DownCrash.

  It was perfect.

  We listened to the demo twenty times, at least.

  We listened to it in the garage.

  We listened to it in the car.

  We blasted it around town.

  And when we turned the demo off, finally, the local radio station was playing it.

  It was like a whirlwind of a dream come true.

  DownCrash played three shows in a week, each one with more people in the crowd. The anticipation and need for the band was skyrocketing. People fought to see DownCash. People sang every song, word for word, without missing a beat. When Jason showed up at the last show with a box of t-shirts, they were sold out in ten minutes. A hundred shirts in ten freaking minutes. I stood there and watched the gleam in Jason’s eyes as it happened.

  The shows didn’t change though.

  They were the same DownCrash.

  They played any and all songs, engaged the crowd, and loved every single second of it.

  When the show ended, the crowd chanted for DownCrash and didn’t stop. Maggie, Scarlett, and myself were in the back, waiting for the guys. They came off stage, slapping fives and hugging. We stood there, waiting for our men. Our strong, sexy rockstars. They came to us and I held Logan as tight as I could.

  I was never so in love in all my life.

  The crowd didn’t stop.

  DownCrash!

  DownCrash!

  DownCrash!

  The place didn’t calm. The place didn’t empty. The energy was growing and swelling by the second.<
br />
  Jason walked down the hall, clapping his hands together.

  “Boys,” he said. “I have some big news… but first, you better satisfy these fans…”

  Logan looked at Tripp and Tripp looked at Tatum.

  The corners of all their mouths began to flicker with smiles.

  “Holy fuck,” Tripp whispered.

  “Our first real encore,” Logan said.

  “But we played all our songs,” Tatum said.

  “Play them again,” Logan said.

  They rushed back to the stage, arms around each other. We couldn’t see the stage but I knew the exact second they were visible again, because the crowd erupted. It was like the show had just begun.

  They played two more DownCrash songs, two of the same from the show, but the crowd didn’t care. Not one bit. When it ended the second time, Tripp, Tatum, and Logan all took turns thanking the crowd.

  Ten minutes later, Jason had everyone in a crammed room as he paced.

  “What’s the news?” Logan asked.

  “The news… is that you sold a hundred t-shirts in record time,” Jason said. “Which means I’m going to get my supplier to really step it up. More shirts. Posters. Anything I can get printed.”

  “Merchandise,” Tripp said. “Wow.”

  “That’s right,” Jason said. “It’s the big time now.”

  “Big time?” Tatum asked.

  Jason froze and smiled. “You guys have two more shows here and then we’re off for a little while…”

  “Off?” Logan asked. “Off meaning…?”

  “Do you own suits?” Jason asked.

  “Suits?” Tatum asked. “I haven’t worn a suit since…”

  He looked at Logan and stopped.

  None of them had been dressed up since Logan’s grandfather’s funeral.

  “Eh, fuck it,” Jason said. “I guess the greatest rockstars never signed their deals in suits, right?”

  “Wait,” Logan said. “Deal?”

  Jason smiled. “Deal. You guys have been signed. To RocX Records. Three album deal, six figure advance to each member… oh, and you guys will be playing a benefit show with Chasing Cross…”

  My eyes widened.

  Tripp, Tatum, and Logan were now standing. They hugged, they cheered, they screamed.

  “Whoa,” Jason said. “Calm… calm… I’m not done yet.”

  “Not done?” Logan asked.

  “The benefit show will be in a month or so, but before that, you guys are going straight into the studio.”