Losing It

by Zaria Garrison

  Either way, I want you gone. If I bring my baby brother there and you are on the premises, it won’t be pretty.”

  Sharmaine wiped her tears on the backs of her hands. Her sadness was suddenly cut short by her anger. She gripped the phone tightly. “Jack, has your whole family gone loco? Your mother won’t let me speak to or see my children. Now you think you can put me out of my own house.”

  “You tried to kill him, Sharmaine!” he yelled. “If I were not a Christian man, I’d be over there right now showing you just how angry and loco my family truly is. Get out of my brother’s house. We don’t ever want to see or hear from you again.”

  Two days later, Consuela opened the door to a U.S. marshal. Frightened, she quickly summoned Sharmaine to the door. The marshal served Sharmaine with eviction papers, advising that she needed to be out of the house in ten days. At the bottom of the summons, she was shocked to see Leon’s signature. Weeping, she ran to the phone to call Keisha.

  Chapter Five

  Leon Cleveland sat quietly in the police interrogation room alongside his brother Jackson as they waited for the detective to interview him. After spending four weeks in a coma and another three weeks recuperating, he’d finally been released from the hospital a week earlier.

  “Jack, this whole thing is ridiculous. I don’t believe Sharmaine is the person who shot me. I’m tired. Let’s just go home,” he said.

  “From what you’ve told me, and the evidence the police already have, there’s no other possible explanation. I know you love her, man, but you have to face the fact that maybe she isn’t who you thought she was.”

  Leon sighed. He and Sharmaine had grown up together on the same street. He’d been smitten with her as long as he could remember. When he was fifteen, he mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date. At the time, Sharmaine was an eighteen-year-old college freshman. She laughed in his face as he professed his undying teenaged love. That didn’t discourage him. He had decided that afternoon she would one day be his wife. Up until the shooting, he thought he knew everything there was to know about her. His mind refused to accept that she’d suddenly become a different person.

  “Mr. Cleveland, thank you for meeting me. I just need to get the final details of your statement. This case should go to trial in a few months,” Detective Saunders stated as he entered the room and took a seat.

  “Detective, I will tell you up front that I don’t believe my wife did this. My brother has explained to me that she’s been charged. I’ve read the evidence report. But there has to be some type of mistake,” Leon answered.

  “This is just an interview, Mr. Cleveland. It’s not the trial. We just need to get all the facts together, okay?”

  Leon nodded his head in agreement.

  The detective continued. “In your statement, you said you went to join her in the shower, and that’s when you were shot.”

  “No. I said I thought she was in the shower. I never saw anyone.”

  “Who else do you think would have been in the shower in your master bedroom, Mr. Cleveland?”

  “Whoever intended to shoot me and frame my wife,” Leon answered flatly.

  “Leon, come on, man. With your testimony, the police can put Sharmaine away for a long time. She did this. Just accept it and cooperate,” Jackson urged.

  “I’m here, aren’t I? I’m cooperating, but I won’t implicate Sharmaine. Go ahead and ask your questions, but don’t try to tell me how to answer,” Leon replied.

  Jack sighed and looked over at the detective, who was flipping through his folder of notes. He flipped through several pages before continuing. “Mr. Cleveland, tell me how you felt when you saw your wife having sex on that video tape that is circulating.” The detective leaned forward in Leon’s direction. “I’m a man. I know it didn’t feel good to see your loving wife in such, shall we say, compromising positions. Did you two argue about that?”

  “That’s not my wife in that video. You guys know that with computers they can make anybody appear to be having sex with anybody else. It’s not her. There was nothing to argue about.”

  “I guess of all people you would know, Mr. Cleveland. I’m just wondering if the thought that it could have been her ever entered your mind as you watched it.”

  “I never watched it,”Leon responded.

  The detective looked surprised. “You mean to tell me you’ve never seen the video tape or photos that have been in the news since January?”

  “My wife and my daughter saw the news reports. I’m well aware of the content. I don’t need to see it,” he answered.

  The detective stood up quickly and walked out of the office. Leon and Jack looked at each other, wondering what was up. He returned a few moments later carrying a laptop computer. After finding the file he was looking for, he set it down in front of the two men. “I think you should at least watch it, Mr. Cleveland,” he said.

  “Why do I need to watch it? Are you hoping I will get angry at my wife and say she shot me? No way. I’m not falling for that. Take it away.”

  The detective ignored him and allowed the video to start. Leon shifted his chair and turned his back to the video screen.

  “That’s real funny, Detective, but I still don’t want to see it.”

  Continuing to ignore him, the detective turned the volume up as loud as it would go.

  Leon heard moans that sounded exactly like his wife. He covered his ears. “Stop it. I don’t want to see this video,” he protested.

  “What are you afraid of, Leon?” Jackson asked. “If it’s not her, what harm will looking at it do? Turn around.”

  “I’m not afraid of anything. I don’t watch porn,” he answered.

  Jack stood up and walked in front of his brother. He pulled his hands from his ears and looked him directly in the eyes. “Just look at the video, Leon. Stop acting like a three-year-old and just watch it,” he ordered.

  Grudgingly, Leon turned around and finally looked over at the screen. He watched for several minutes before finally pushing the laptop away. “Turn it off. I don’t want to see anymore. Turn it off,” he demanded.

  The detective stopped the video then picked up the laptop and left the room. Jackson looked over at his brother with his fists clenched. He was visibly shaken. Jackson put his hand on Leon’s shouder but Leon brushed it off.

  “I know it was hard to watch. Just calm down, man,”Jackson said.

  Leon stood up and began pacing around the room. He paced back and forth, mumbling incoherently to himself. Then he suddenly became aggressive. He slammed his fist over and over against the wall, trying to smash his way through. Jack went to him to try to calm him down, but it was no use. He fought the wall until he couldn’t stand it anymore, then he slid down onto the floor in tears.

  “I’m sorry, Leon. If I’d known it would affect you this way, I wouldn’t have insisted you watch,”Jack said.

  “It‘sher,”Leon whispered through his tears. “It’s Sharmaine.”

  Jack knelt on the floor near his brother. “Are you sure?”he asked.

  Leon wiped his face, trying to regain his composure. “I’m positive. She has a birthmark on her left cheek the size of a dime.”

  “I’ve never seen a mark on Sharmaine’s face.”

  Leon shook his head at his brother. “It‘snot on her face. It’s on her bottom cheek. They didn’t put anyone else’s head on her body. That is Sharmaine’s body.” His voice shook with emotion and he wiped his face again.

  Jack reached into his pocket and handed Leon his handkerchief to dry his tears. He wanted to scream “I told you so!”but realized it just was not the time. Instead, he waited without responding and calmly listened to his brother.

  “I trusted her. How could she do this to me, Jack?”Leon asked.

  Jack shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. He knew better than to speak, or the anger he felt would come spilling out. He was infuriated with Sharmaine, but he knew his brother felt even worse. It was difficult, but he kept his emo
tions inside. He realized he had to be the support for Leon. He couldn’t get through it without him.

  When he felt Leon was finally calm, Jackson quietly stood up and left Leon sitting on the floor of the interrogation room. He walked down the hall in search of the detective. When he found him, he advised him that no statements would be given that day. “My brother’s not feeling as well as we thought. I’m going to take him home, but he’ll give you a statement on another day,” he said. Without waiting for a response, he returned to the room to get Leon.

  They rode in silence as Jackson maneuvered through the busy Atlanta traffic. Leon stared out of the window of the car, trying to figure out how he’d been so wrong about his wife. Prior to his release from the hospital, he allowed his brothers to convince him to file paperwork evicting Sharmaine from the house. He was reluctant to put her through it, but he felt that it would make things easier on all of them. As a condition of her bail, they could not be together, and he wanted his children to be able to return home. It was only temporary, he’d told himself. He felt once the trial was over, she would return home, and everything would be the way it was supposed to be. Now he realized that things had changed forever. His wife had lied to him about the tape. Worst of all, she’d cheated on him. He felt nauseous as the images from the video flashed through his mind over and over.

  Suddenly, he turned to his brother. “Jack, where can I get one of those—”He paused. The words were on his tongue, but refused to leave his mouth.

  “What is it, baby brother? You wanna stop for something to eat?” Jack tried to guess what he was trying to say.

  Leon took a deep breath and forced the words to fall from his lips. “I want a copy of the sex tape. Where can I get it?”

  Jack look surprised. “You’ve seen it. Why would you want a copy?”

  “I just do. Can you get it for me?”

  “It’s all over the Internet. Just Google her name and it will pop up.”

  “We told Keisha to have it pulled. I’m guessing the only copies left are not good quality. Is it available anywhere else?”

  Jack looked at Leon, puzzled. “Why do you want that tape? Don’t torture yourself, man.”

  Leon stared at him for several silent seconds; then finally he spoke. “I guess you’re right. I’m sorry I brought it up.”They rode the remainder of the way home in silence.

  Chapter Six

  Sharmaine waited patiently in the church vestibule for her pastor. She didn’t have an appointment, but that had never been an issue in all of the years she’d attended New Life Outreach Center. Bishop Jimmy Snow was more than her pastor; she and Leon considered him to be a dear friend.

  He greeted her warmly as he stepped into the hallway. “Sharmaine, it’s a pleasure to see you,” he said.

  Sharmaine stood up and hugged his broad frame tightly. “I’m sorry to just show up like this, but I really needed to talk to you.”

  “It’s no problem. Come into my office and have a seat.”

  Feeling better already, Sharmaine grabbed her purse and followed him inside. She took a seat in a plush leather chair, while he sat behind his desk.

  He casually leaned back in his chair. “What’s on your mind, Sharmaine?”he asked.

  “I don’t know where to begin. Everything just seems to be going out of control since that awful sex tape showed up.”

  “I’ve seen the news reports. You don’t have to go into details if you don’t want to. Just tell me how I can help you.”

  Sharmaine let out a long, slow breath of relief. “You don’t know how wonderful it feels to hear you say that. Everyone I know and love has turned their backs on me. Well, except for Keisha, of course.”

  “The world is fickle. They will turn their backs on you without hesitation, but the church is not supposed to be that way. I’m here for you.”

  Sharmaine smiled broadly. “Thank you, Bishop. That means a lot to me.”

  “You’re welcome. Now, tell me how I can help.”

  She hesitated for a moment, trying to get up the courage to ask. “I want to sing during service on Sunday. I need to sing God’s praises and minister with my voice. It’s what makes me feel alive. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I really want to do this.”

  He looked taken aback. “Even with the renovations, the church will only hold about eight hundred people. That’s not even a fraction of the crowd you are used to singing for. Besides, most Sundays we are not filled to capacity. It would be only around five hundred people here.”

  “I don’t need a crowd, Bishop. All of my concerts have been cancelled, and the CD pulled from store shelves. I’m not even sure that anyone wants to hear me. I just really want to do it. I want to stand before God and sing His praises. Please, may I do that here on Sunday?”

  Bishop Snow smiled. His chestnut brown face dipped in as his dimples made their mark on his cheeks. “Sure, we’d be honored to have you.”

  When she arrived at the church the following Sunday morning, Sharmaine went through the back entrance to the church at Keisha’s insistence. Several parishioners recognized her as they drove up, and Keisha was uncomfortable with the looks they gave Sharmaine. There were numerous stares and lots of whispering.

  “Let’s just go find Bishop Snow,” Keisha suggested.

  Once inside the building, the two ladies took seats in the long hallway outside the pastor’s office and waited for Bishop Snow. For the first time in years, Sharmaine felt butterflies dancing around in her stomach. Her heart was racing and her palms were sweaty. She resisted the urge to dry them on her dress. They’d only been waiting a few moments, but to Sharmaine, it felt like hours. She took long, easy breaths, trying not to hyperventilate.

  Keisha looked over at her and noticed how anxious she was. “Are you okay?”

  Sharmaine shook her head. “I’ve changed my mind. I can‘tdo this. My throat is dry and scratchy. I can’t sing this morning. I need to get out of here. Take me home.”

  Before Keisha could respond, the office door opened and Bishop Snow walked out and greeted them warmly.

  “Good morning, ladies. I’m feeling so blessed to have you here,”he said.

  “Bishop, I was just telling Keisha I don’t think I can do this. I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to just go on home.”

  Without answering her, Bishop Snow took Sharmaine’s hands into his and he began to pray earnestly. He thanked God for Sharmaine and her gift of song. He praised God for allowing her to safely arrive. He prayed that someone would be blessed by hearing her voice. Bishop Snow prayed and thanked God for nearly five minutes. He held tightly to Sharmaine’s hands as he spoke. When he was done, Sharmaine’s eyes were misty with tears.

  “Now, are you ready to go inside?”Bishop Snow asked.

  Sharmaine nodded her head. She and Keisha followed the bishop into the sanctuary. Once inside, he led the two ladies to a pew in the front of the church. He gave each of them a hug and a reassuring smile; then he went to the pulpit and took his seat.

  Behind them, Sharmaine heard voices rumbling and whispers. She couldn’t make out everything they said, but none of it was flattering. Ignoring them, Sharmaine focused her eyes and her attention on Bishop Snow as he began service. It was the first time Sharmaine had attended church service since the tape scandal began almost four months earlier. Suddenly, she deeply regretted not coming sooner. She’d read her Bible and fellowshipped at home, but she realized that wasn’t nearly enough.

  As she sat listening to Bishop Snow, the weight of the past several months seemed to slowly lift from her shoulders. Before she knew it, she found herself yelling out “Amen”and “Hallelujah.”

  By the end of his sermon, she was on her feet, clapping and rejoicing in praise. She was so caught up in praise that she’d completely forgotten she was going to be singing that morning, and was surprised when he called her name.

  “Church family, we have an extraordinary treat today. Our own Sharmaine Cleveland is here this morning, and she’s going to
sing. I know we are in for a huge blessing. Sharmaine, come on up here,” he said.

  She froze as her anxiety returned.

  Keisha gently nudged her. “Go ahead, Sharmaine.”

  Sharmaine looked at Bishop Snow as he extended his hand to her. She took a deep breath and slowly walked toward the front of the church. Her hands were trembling and the sweat returned to her palms as she took the microphone from him. She kept her back to the congregation for a few moments as she silently prayed. Finally, she turned to face them. As she looked out at her congregation, she noticed frowns and grimaces on some of their faces. Others were leaning and whispering to their neighbors. Keisha gave her a big smile and the thumbs-up sign.

  “Good morning, everyone,” Sharmaine said. “Um ... I asked Bishop Snow to allow me to minister this morning in song. I know you’ve all heard some things about me, which are very unflattering. I’m not here to address any of that. I just ... I just want to sing God’s praises.” Sharmaine stopped speaking as she noticed several parishioners getting up from their seats. They glared at her, then turned and walked out of the church. She looked over at Bishop Snow.

  “Go ahead, Sharmaine. Don’t let the devil stop you from praising,”he said.

  “Um, this song is called ‘Going Throughand um ...”Sharmaine paused again as she noticed a commotion in the congregation. Brenetta Reeves was standing up to leave and causing a stir as she tried to drag her husband, Shawn, with her. He protested, trying not to make a scene until it was obvious that all eyes were on them. He looked toward Sharmaine and shrugged his shoulders; then he followed his wife out of the church.

  Bishop Snow suddenly stood from his seat and stepped to the podium. “God sent Sharmaine Cleveland by this morning to bless us in song. None of us here has any right to judge or condemn her for the things going on in her life. She is our sister in Christ, and we should welcome her with open arms.”He paused and looked out over his congregation. “Now, if there is anyone else who wishes to miss out on that blessing, then I want you to go ahead and leave right now. I will not tolerate any more rumblings or interruptions.” He motioned toward the ushers. “Open the doors so that all who choose may go right now.”